<p>My mom and I are having a disagreement over something. We came to a compromise that I would do theatre club this year to see if it was something I wanted to do as a major (if I would really commit to it!). Well, I went to a meeting, signed up to do a couple events, and told my mom how excited I was to do this. She responded that my grandparents and cousins are going to be in town. I know this sounds horrid, but I absolutely want to do these events! It basically determines whether I go to Philly for the American Theatre Conference! What should I do - accept that my mom doesn’t want me to go, or tell her that I’m going either way. She basically told me that if I go, I’m going to be locked out of the house…I know ditching my family is bad, but this is really important to me! What do I do?</p>
<p>My kids know better than to sign up for events without checking the family calendar first. They might sign up, but know they have to check on that before it is final. It sounds like it is multiple events, can you compromise and do just one while the relatives are in town? You might not get to the theatre conference, but those are the breaks sometimes.</p>
<p>Well, I am a mom of a teenage girl so I will give you my perspective…it is always better if you can try to talk calmly with your mother. 
I would suggest saying you would like to talk to her about this, and pick a peaceful moment. Calmly remind her you discussed making this commitment, and that you signed up for these events without knowing about the family visit. Emphasize that you now made a commitment to the theater group and they are counting on you. Can you offer any sort of compromise to show you are meeting your mom half way? For example, can you leave early and meet up with the family for dinner? Arrive late and spend some time visiting with the family? Talk to the club advisor and see what your options are? Failing that, you could offer to send a note to these family members explaining the prior commitment, how sorry you are to miss them, how much you will look forward to the next visit, etc? Anything you can do to demonstrate a mature ability to handle the situation should be appreciated by your mother. And good luck; let us know how it goes!</p>
<p>Are you in college? Do you go to school close to home? If you were away, you would not be around for grandparents and cousins to visit. I think that at a certain point, family has to understand that you will not always be around…life works that way. If your mom controls all the strings, you are sort of at her mercy. Do you really think she would lock you out of the house for doing something important with your own time?</p>
<p>@intparent - I totally get that, but I would have liked to know since we are hosting them next week. I know this sounds pathetic, and it really is, but the only excuse I’ve got is “I didn’t know.” Pathetic? Absolutely! Honest? Yes.
@GoldenWest - Calmly probably would have worked better…a LOT better. I do lose my temper sometimes…and I like the idea of meeting them halfway! Thanks!
@teachandmom - I neglected to mention that I am at community college. Probably would have been nice for me to mention that. Yes, my mom controls all the strings, but do I think she would lock me out? Maybe, maybe not, depending on her mood…she might ban me from certain things though. Her house, her rules (which I totally understand!).</p>
<p>So… is there some method you are supposed to use to check what is going on before making commitments? Like looking at a calendar near the phone (that is the one at our house), or at least asking mom (that is the backup plan at our house!). If you were supposed to check and didn’t, then you kind of owe it to your mom to show up.</p>
<p>If you DON’T have a method now to be able to check, maybe you should have a (calm) discussion with your mom about how to avoid these situations in the future by coordinating better before either of you makes a commitment (although I know she may not have control over family visits!). But at least so you both know what is going on…</p>
<p>Your mom MIGHT be impressed by your willingness to avoid this type of conflict in the future. THEN you might try seeing if you can negotiate getting SOME time for your theater activity while the family is in town anyway. Not the full enchilada, but maybe part of a day or something (I do understand how theater people are, though, partial time is never good enough!). But maybe everyone can compromise some and you can at least keep part of your commitment.</p>
<p>Thanks, intparent! There was really no way to check, I was at school for the meeting, and this usually wouldn’t be such a big deal, but…
-Only 2 students (myself included) signed up to be actors for the haunted house. In addition, I am on the design committee and need to be there. That’s why this is a big deal. If there were more people involved, I’d feel better telling our director that I couldn’t make it.</p>
<p>OP, I think you’re being too hard on yourself - even just by your thread title - and you are not ‘pathetic’. I also don’t think purse strings should dictate everything you do; it’s important that kids have increasing freedom to make their own choices as they mature. I think it’s cool that you’re getting involved in school; is the visit by the relatives a basically routine event? or something more special about it? </p>
<p>“Locking you out” sounds very harsh. I agree with others that you should try to work this out with your Mom in calm way that will set a precedent for future issues as you mature and needing to make more of your own decisions. </p>
<p>When my oldest was 2 months into college, she called home one day to tell us that she was going to South Dakota for a residence hall govt. convention or something like that. After I hung up, I looked at my husband and said : “She didn’t ask my permission; can she even do that?” (that was my moment of zen)</p>
<p>So… next time you have to say to the director, “I am tentatively signing up, but I have to check my family calendar first. I will confirm for you <whenever, tomorrow?=”"> for sure if I can do this." You kind of got yourself into this by not doing that, and I don’t blame the director OR your mom for the problem. Maybe you have to disappoint both people to some extent – tell your mom you need to go to SOME of the meeting so you don’t let your group down, but make some time for your family too. And immediately tell your director what you can and can’t do so they can find a replacement if necessary. If others didn’t sign up for the haunted house, maybe the director needs to twist some arms and get some more volunteers. The sooner you speak up the easier that will be.</whenever,></p>
<p>At some point, a young person in college cannot be expected to always be checking the family calendar before making his or her own plans, even if she does live at home. If you were away for school, this would not be an issue; it seems to me that somewhat similar rules should apply, assuming you are meeting whatever other obligations you have agreed on to be continuing to live at home. What if it was a job and you had to work when your family was visiting? Anyway, hope it all works out for you! ;-)</p>
<p>I disagree – if you live at home, coordinating calendars is basic common courtesy. As it would be if you lived with a spouse.</p>
<p>Well, I am sure your home runs in a superior fashion to mine.</p>
<p>I’m with goldenwest. How often do these relatives visit? If it’s once a year or less and they are coming at non-holiday time, surely it should be a topic of family discussion so that OP would be aware of upcoming family events without need to check family calendar. If it’s often enough that it hasn’t come up in conversation, then how can it be so important that OP needs to pass on special opportunity? OP can promise to make extra Skype call or send photo spread by e-mail or go out to breakfast together during visit. Being somewhat adult means being able to make some plans and things without being tied to minutia of family calendar. It isn’t like she’s skipping because she promised to go bar-hopping with her buddies.This is important to her. Definitely a family conversation to set expectations and boundaries more clearly is in order, to preserve harmony and promote better communication. Threatening to lock someone out of house about something like this doesn’t seem appropriate. Mom should be happy daughter is getting involved at school and supporting her in that.That isn’t always easy for young community college students to do with living at home and going to school with older working adults.</p>
<p>You can’t live your life around mom and what she wants you to do. If this is what you really want, then do it. She should understand that this is an opportunity that looks good for your future. </p>
<p>Plus, I’m sure you can see your relatives another time.</p>
<p>I am guessing that the real issue here is not conflicting schedule, but the mom’s fear of her child wasting two years of a community college on a theater major.
As I understand the first post, the OP is signing up for a theater club to do a haunted house, in order to see if she should declare theater as her major. I bet that if the OP told her mom “hey, I really want to do this club, but I realize majoring in theater in community college will not bring me closer to a career in theater, and lets sit down and explore options of my interests and college offerings, and help me figure out a major”, the relative visit would go away.
Im sorry to be somewhat negative, but the way I see this is the student is not extremely focused on the future (sorry, but doing a theater major at a community college will not bring you an opportunity to do theater professionally in the future), and mom is struggling with trying to set a daughter who should be past that age on a course.</p>
<p>@mhmm - it’s actually not like that at all. My mom is totally fine with my doing theater club to see if I want to major in theater. She doesn’t want me to major in theater, but I think she’ll accept if I do. Many people have gone various routes to get to acting. My mom says I should go with what I want, as long as it’s a strength. I know I have the determination to do it - it’s just a matter of proving it to my parents!</p>
<p>Growing pains. You BOTH have to realize that you now have separate lives that do coincide once in a while. You BOTH are responsible for making this work now and in the future. In my house we start to send invitation through the exchange calendar in the iPhone. Now I know my kids events ahead of time so I can plan family time without interfering with their events. We had planet of meltdowns and upsets but now things are working very well. It will take a few tries and some WILLINGNESS, but you and your family still need to plan many events together so the sooner you sit down and work out a solution the better.</p>
<p>Everyone - we reached a compromise! YAY!</p>