Telling the student that ahead of time makes it clear to the student that they are aiming for a $15k+ merit scholarship, not just admission, at that school.
My heart breaks for the students who are made to feel they are not good enough through this process.
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We all make choices in life
Exactly, and to be 100% clear, the $50-55k budget is for any school, not just that school. And every other school on the list checks off various criteria and falls in budget based on sticker price. It’s when parents have different budgets for different schools based on prestige/ranking that it sends a certain message and puts unnecessary pressure on kids.
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That was the point of my quote.
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This is a real pet peeve of mine. I have seen kids so hurt by this. There is no reason to knock down their self esteem. One example we live with is my sweet, smart dil. For her it was we will help you pay for an MD but not a PA grad degree. Same thinking. You aren’t good enough if you don’t do what we want. Her grades were great she just decided after much research she wants to be a PA. So my DVM son who is still in his internship will be paying off her loan. They made sure to minimize costs.
He went to a lower ranked school with a great reputation in his specialty. He got a top ranked internship and has already secured his residency over kids from the name brand tippy top schools. It is what you do there that matters most. Don’t put additional pressure on these students.
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To each his own. Each family and each child will decide on their own. No judgments please.
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100% and as has been said in many similar “prestige” threads, many high achieving students find nirvana in the honors programs at so-called safety schools, or in-state publics, where they can be a Big Fish instead of a member of the herd.
There will always be Ivy-chasing families, and no one will ever convince them that there’s any other way to achieve success (God bless). There will also always be studies and data that support the notion that Ivy league grads get better jobs and make more money (which are regularly cited on CC) - but most of us know from our own experiences and those of our non-Ivy college graduates, that success is a multifaceted idea that means different things to different people. There is no scenario where all the non-Ivy kids are in the unemployment line and the Ivy kids have all the best jobs.
I thought the same until I started to read the responses 
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College is so incredibly expensive. How can you blame parents for seeking value for their money? The simple fact is that unless your child has extremely specific and special needs that cannot be met elsewhere, their in-state flagship public U probably will be just fine, even their local 4 yr state college. If what the student wants requires the connections that they MIGHT (not necessarily for sure, just only might) make at a highly selective highly exclusive private U, and there are very few of them that meet this criteria, speaking of both the college and the student, then MAYBE it would be worth an extra 200K.
So yes, it’s perfectly reasonable for parents to say, “If you get into such and such a school, I’ll pay for it, but otherwise, you’re going in-state public.” I don’t hear this as telling the child that they’re not good enough, that they don’t have worth. They’re telling the child that they want value for their money, that they value the name brand of the tippy-top school and are willing to pay for that, and that otherwise they’re going in-state public for the value.
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So I haven’t read the whole thread, and maybe this was discussed, but our situation is sort of a hybrid. I’m willing to pay up to $x - which means that many full pay fancy schools will be out for us - and S25 knows this. BUT! I’m going to really question if it’s the right ideas to pay $x for all schools, if there is something that’s an appreciably better value and similar in program that my child also gets into.
Example - we live in Virginia. My child is applying to the same type of program at VaTech, Clemson, and UTK. He is also applying to a very different (but equally desirable program to him) at UNC Chapel Hill. If he got into all four schools, I’d be willing to pay the full price (without merit aid) at Carolina, but maybe not at Clemson (both of which are about the same cost, and about $20k more per year than VT).
My reasoning isn’t that Carolina is a “better” or “more prestigious” school (although it may be). Rather my reasoning is that the experience at Clemson is similar enough to VT, and the programs are similar enough, that I don’t see the value in spending the extra money - money that could go to grad school that I wouldn’t otherwise be able to fund. Carolina, though, is a different major, smaller school, different vibe - making it a more unique experience among the schools he’s applying to, different from what the others offer and if that’s the right experience and right vibe, and S25 doesn’t have a comparable much less expensive alternative, then since it falls into our price range, I’ll pay for it.
The question for us - since OOS admission at Carolina is a slim chance, if any, so really that’s moot - is what’s the right $ differential at VT/Clemson/UTK. I’m hoping S25 gets some merit aid at the schools where he’s out of state. While I think $80k (over the four years) is more than I’d want to spend, would I spend $40k extra just because S25 likes a school better? Maybe? But part of that discussion needs to be why S25 thinks it’s worth the extra money, and for him to demonstrate to me that he understands what that means for our ability to fund any additional future schooling.
Of course, all of that is assuming that S25 has choices. If he only got into the most expensive school on his list, and didn’t get any merit aid, we’d send him there. They are all in the realm of possible for us. It’s just that spending the money has trade-offs, so if he’s in a position where he can do a cost/value analysis before he chooses, we want him to take that time. At the end of the day, it’s going to be his choice, but I’m going to make sure he understands the tradeoffs.
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I will swim against the tide here: prestige is important to our family. We were full pay.
But the process for us was to only apply to schools where there was excellent fit. My kids would have been fine at any one of them. And then they attended the most prestigious/best fit of the schools they got into.
There was no discussion of not paying if they only got into their “safety” school, or anything like that.
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All people approach it differently. What is messing up many families is not clear approach what will be done to make a decision. In our case we did 2 step solution and anounced it before application process:
- Max amount was set. Never crossed.
- Assumption was made that cost/benifit analysis will be applied after acceptance and FA/merit received.
CMU , UMICH- above max amount. Out.
Case Western with merit vs UMD (with merit) - not clear win.
GaTech more than UMD but within budget was clear win for particular major.
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I think the statement comes up often in the case of families who can’t afford a certain name - but say they’ll find a way.
That’s what causes people pause.
Obviously, if something is affordable, if it won’t ruin someone financially, go ahead - it’s your money.
But eating a steak at Flemings if you can only afford one at Outback - just isn’t wise - IMHO.
I also think that the statement might often be made by those who haven’t yet achieved the dream but are desperately chasing it for their children.
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So do you mean you aren’t sure if you will pay for Clemson, or do you mean that you will not pay for Clemson even if he gets in and wants to go there? I’m curious, why let him apply then?
If he wants to go to Clemson, will you say no?
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Well, the children in the instances I am thinking of are not really allowed to decide on their own / made to feel that they have to choose a certain college to please their parents to be seen as “worthy”. I do understand that at some level there is an actual and not just perceived difference in the “value” of the name brand of one college vs another (the extent of that is another debate). But it’s not like just choosing what car to buy, it’s an outcome that the child may not have much control over - at super rejective colleges especially - that has real effects on their feelings of self-worth, anxiety etc.
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I feel this is the difference. We are seeing more kids stressing over how to pay for college because their parents will “only pay for T20 or T50” colleges.
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I think this is strange. Ivy, top 50 or no college is ridiculous. But some families have very reasonable approach to use Community College->state flagship vs some “safety” OOS.
We have a lot of families in Maryland that use that approach to transfer to UMD vs (UMBC, Towson etc.) I think it is very solid option.
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But ROI should be factored in. If child wants to apply as education major, the kid should likely pick Indiana U (or any state public) over Dartmouth for example. When a parent is pushing for T20 or T50 schools just for clout, it puts way too much stress on the kids.
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Well in our case we refused to pay for theater major in any college. DD had an option to go to Community College and play in theater if she was interested.
She was given an option to consider theater minor at any school.
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If Clemson were the only school he got into, I would pay for it, even if it were full price, we can afford it. Given his stats, I’m really hoping that he gets some merit aid, and that the price will be more reasonable.
I “let him apply” because, as noted above, if this is the only school he got into, we could pay for it and it seems like it would be a good fit in terms of both program and vibe.
But that doesn’t mean, if he has choices, that Clemson is the best choice. For the particular program he is interested in, our in-state option has, arguably, better potential networking outcomes for him in the area that he wants to settle in and better name recognition in the industry. Plus it’s a lot cheaper. If it comes down to full price at Clemson vs in-state at Va Tech, I’ll want to make sure he really understands the price differential, and what that means for his future. Over four years, it’s $228,500 vs $143,000. That’s roughly $85,000 that I can’t then give him for grad school or a home down payment, or something else. I’ve agreed to give him the money, I want to make sure that he thinks through how he wants to use it, and that he’s smart about it.
At the end of the day, if he’s gotten in to multiple schools and has choices, I just want him to think through the choices. If he wants to go to Clemson, I won’t say no. But I likely will make him justify it to me - tell me why it’s the right choice and why it’s better for him than the less expensive alternatives. I won’t be using that justification as a test, and I won’t say no because there will be no “failing” the justification. But it is important to me that he demonstrate he’s really thought through the impacts to his future life of making that choice.
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