I think some families value elite educations even for non-lucrative majors because of the elite social connections i.e. marrying into money even if your own job won’t make you much money.
It is but there’s also nothing wrong with Towson, UMBC, Salisbury etc either.
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There is nothing wrong, but ROI is not there (for me too). Why Salisbury when CC+UMD is cheaper and better plus guaranteed if it is right fit. People have strange prejudice against CC. But in our area I know many smart and capable kids that prefered CC->UMD route vs UMBC or any other school.
I do not buy that 4 year experience approach, and no friends if you transfer. You can have no friends at Salisbury too. We have a neighbor who transferred out from Salisbury after 1 semester. Was not a good fit. On the hand, many successful transfer students from CC. Double win on my books: less money, less stress. Final result is identical.
I can understand they think that and still cringe. To each their own but still. When parents use financial control over their kids for their own bragging rights, I will always disagree.
They aren’t my kids but when parents post asking opinions or for feedback, they might see opposing viewpoints.
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Yep, we are not in 1980… My daughters were never raised to think that college is time to find a husband with a fat wallet (or from affluent family) at any cost. College is to get an education to become independent.
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I always find this thinking odd, from a logic perspective (even aside from the very 19th century approach). Do such people want everyone except themselves at these schools to be elite to maximize such odds? Where is the trade off between hooks of legacy and donor (more likely to be this target marriage material) getting precedence in admissions vs your own child getting in? What makes them think an “elite” family would approve of such a union, anyway? Etc!
We were sort of in the same place as you with my younger daughter, so I understand your dilemma. We are in-state NC, so great options. My daughter wanted out of NC so she could meet new people (high school kids in the 2 largest cities in NC are surprisingly well-connected with each other even if they went to different high schools) - so to her, going to NC State, UNC, App or UNCW would be like a continuation of HS. We are full pay as well, so while I understood her desire to try something new, my husband struggled with paying OOS when we have so many great in-state options.
She applied to the popular in-state options and also UofSC, UTK, UGA & VT. She received merit from UofSC, UTK and a small annual award from VT (a rounding error, as my husband calls it). She instantly bonded with VT and really had to sell it to my husband because she’s a finance major and that degree can be pursued in-state for much cheaper. It helped that she added a second major that the in-state options didn’t have, so that worked in her favor. Choosing to go OOS was a great decision for her and we were lucky to be able to give that to her. I won’t lie though - she’s senior and I am excited to only have one more semester of writing those checks!
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So as someone whose parents would likely be considered “elite” and had a bit of this “best college” mentality, you’re right that this is incorrect thinking. My parents didn’t send me to college with the idea that I would meet a rich man. They sent me to college with the hope that the alumni and donor network would help me find a great job. Which it did 
I also did meet my husband, who wasn’t rich and my family loves him more than me.
I think this Succession mindset that we sometimes see on CC is not reality. Most elite families aren’t forming arranged marriages or sabotaging their children’s dates. It’s not HBO people! They just want the same thing most people want, their kids to have every opportunity available to them.
As for paying for a “good enough” school, I guess we are partially guilty of this. I see no reason to pay 90K for a school that is just as good as a 50K one. But we did agree to pay for every school that our children applied to, because we made sure to ok the list ahead of time. The heartbreaker to me is when you allow your kid to apply to an expensive school and then yank the rug out after acceptance. Either don’t allow them to apply or make it clear that it must come in under a certain dollar amount.
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We’re in very much the same situation. S25 feels like the VA options - UVA, VT and JMU (W&M doesn’t have what he wants) feel too much like the high school crowd. I’m trying to make sure that what he’s saying is that he actively prefers the more expensive OOS school for reason 1, 2, 3 and not just that he doesn’t want to go to an in-state school where he will see HS kids.
So, to bring this back to the topic of “I’ll pay for a good enough school” - it’s not that I won’t pay for the pricier option (again, assuming he gets in to both and both are options). But that I want him to think about what that cost differential could mean and to be able to advocate why it’s a good idea.
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Note that parental restrictions affecting willingness to pay can occur for reasons other than prestige. Examples include requiring the college be a religious one of a specific religion, or the student must stay at home and commute (for reasons other than cost). Other examples are parents choosing the student’s major or being very restrictive about choice of major (or educational path, e.g. “must be pre-med”).
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Wouldn’t the less popular NC publics have fewer of the high school cohort?
Regarding students applying for schools beyond a family’s means — we actually did this (twice!) and I will share why.
We all knew where they would end up and were clear about that — the state flagship, barring a surprise pile of acholarship money. But, we wanted them to experience what other places were like, a basis of comparison, no fantasy of better, a sense that their actual choice was not so awful. When they look back, I wanted them to say “well, we couldn’t afford it but they would have taken me if we could” or “I actually went and saw that place and it wasn’t such a great place as people imagine”
Both were accepted at other schools. Both received nice scholarships, but not enough to cover the gap. They are well launched now, but I have heard them both refer to these schools at their low points as “I can’t be that hopeless, That University offered me a scholarship”.
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This is extremely common in my kids’ high school. Dozens and dozens of their classmates were told we’re paying for the flagship or Stanford/Ivy/etc. They’re all at the flagship. I started to wonder if it was really that they were rolling the dice that with admissions rates so low at the tippy tops, they wouldn’t have to have the hard conversation that they couldn’t/wouldn’t pay for more than the flagship so they offered “well if you get in at Stanford…” But it absolutely created a pretty depressing admission cycle for them with a lot of them feeling like they’d “failed.”
People can spend their money however they’d like. I’m not judging anyone for deciding not to pay $90K+ a year. I would suggest, however, that they may look at how they navigate this process with their child to minimize the stress and disappointment of only applying to lottery schools and one “safety”. The kids that were told early on, all I’m paying for is in-state had a much less stressful cycle.
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Absolutely. One of the wealthiest families we know has a rule that their children have to be within 500 miles from home. No cost constraints but within that distance.
As a kid who made his final decision after the 5/1 date 34 years ago I never told my kids they couldn’t apply to a school, but they knew we were going to have to workout the money along with any acceptances. My kids were also merit hunting kids so they applied to 15-18 schools. Some applications of course were simple and others were longer. With all the scholarship deadlines usually in Nov & Dec they really had to spray to all fields.
In the end the kids got to choose where they went but they also had to live the financial ramifications. Both choose a path that would have them graduating with no debt. D23 took a full-ride to a directional state school as she is an education major. For me it was about getting the best value based on all factors. D23 is going to either use her 529 for a Masters or roll it into a Roth IRA.
My mantra with the kids was if you don’t fill out the form you will never get the scholarship for sure. Both did well in each area.
Seems fair.
So window shopping. I get that, sort of. I am too stingy to pay app fees for that though. 
Assuming that I’m not a gazillionaire, I’m close to OctoberKate’s way of thinking. If the student is admitted to a group of similar schools, but one is much cheaper, I’d press pretty hard for the cheaper option.
In other words, let’s say Skippy gets into Michigan State (in-state) and prefers Penn State (OOS) for a liberal arts major. I’d be very reluctant to pay twice as much for a similar product at PSU. But if, in contrast, the kid gets into Michigan State and prefers Kalamazoo College at twice the cost, that’s apples and oranges. I’d pay for Kalamazoo if I could, because there isn’t anything similar to Kalamazoo that I can get at an in-state price.
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Except that in state public may not be the right fit. Our in state public is 30k kids. Extremely large classes. That works for some kids, not for everyone. Some kids would be lost or miserable in that environment for whatever reason. Value is wherever the student will thrive and that is not necessarily synonymous with in state public or Ivy League.
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That is a sensible and fair approach I think and pretty consistent with ours. It gives the child control over the decision and outcome while clearly making informed decision taking everything into account - including the potential for $$ for grad school vs loans.