"i love food"- comment on my essay pleeeease

Colleges & Universities Yale University
1

<p>Your application is incomplete if you do not complete your essay. Please do not submit online until your entire application is complete. This personal statement helps us become acquainted with you in ways different from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will demonstrate your ability to organize thoughts and express yourself. We are looking for an essay that will help us know you better as a person and as a student. Please write an essay (250-500 words) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. </p>

<pre><code> I love food. The natural phenomenon of hunger plagues me more so than it does others - the sweet scent of a syrupy pancake, the greasy feel of a bologna slice in my mouth, the burning sensation of hot spaghetti sauce on my tongue - I just can’t fight the temptation! Because of my affinity to food, I feel the best way for someone to get to know me is through a creation of mine - the Manpopatain. My creation consists of three things: the Liberty Melt from Manhattan Sandwich Company, the Slaw Dog from Popo’s Hot Dogs, and a Chicken Kabob Salad from Captain’s Pizza. This trio of heavenly delight (my mouth waters just thinking about it) is like myself because in order to obtain this elusive bliss of absolute fullness, I must be loyal, determined, and most of all, friendly in my journey to end my hunger.
The adventure starts when my stomach rumbles like a groggy lion. I glance at my sister who is a bit disturbed by the intensity of this sound and we both think the same thing; where should I get my food? As she describes glistening burgers drenched in grease from Wendy’s and steaming, pineapple-laden pizzas from Dominos, I daydream about my ambrosia - the Manpopatain. Crispy, lightly salted potato chips, pop tarts with 1% real fruit filling, neither of these things appeal to me for I am a loyal person - loyal to my friends, family, and especially my Manpopatain.
One-third of the way there, I am hardly full from my Liberty Melt. Leaving my first destination, I reach a small predicament; where am I going to park at a peak lunch hour for Popo’s? I circle the lot across the street only to be disappointed by the lot’s fullness. Then it pops into my head - the elementary school parking lot! Few people think of parking there, so I take advantage of the vacancies. Once in Popo’s I reach another problem - an enormous line. I contemplate the meaning of the Manpopatain to me and decide it is well worth the wait. My determination prevails as I strive to have it do in everyday life and phase two of my creation is complete.
On a near-full stomach my determination drives me towards my final stop for the “atain” part of my Manpopatain. I enter with a smile on my face absorbing the potent scents of culinary geniuses at work. I order the usual, a Chicken Kabob Salad, and banter with Mike, the cashier, as he prepares my salad. The friendliness I show to him allows his generosity to prevail in rounding down the price of the salad for my benefit. Stomach full and wallet empty, I reminisce about the meal I have just enjoyed. Not only is this meal delicious, but it is also a part of me exemplifying my most honorable characteristics.
</code></pre>

<p>how is it??</p>

2

<p>I like it because it’s amusing with good wc, not overdone. However, it sounds more like a homage to food versus what food reveals about you. You only tie it in with the very last sentence. Still, in your essay you failed to exemplify your characteristics. My humble advice: cut out a bit of your intro and middle about food and add more to the end. Tell more about your “honorable characteristics”. Nothing you described in your previous paragraphs reveals anything about you except for the fact that you love food, can describe food very well, and ate a salad. Stay with the topic, I really like it. Simply add more about yourself, less about glorifying one trip. Perhaps on how the manpopatain represents you: have each section represents an aspect of you. Right now, you have only described eating each section, not how it reveals more about you. In case I was not emphatic enough: KEEP THE TOPIC, MAKE IT MORE ABOUT YOU. </p>

<p>A bit of advice, anyone could steal your essay here. Anyone can search online and come to this post. A safer alternative would be to ask people to PM you if they’re interested in reading your essay.</p>

3

<p>It’s definitely an interesting essay, but I think it’s a bit too fluffy. We get the idea that you like food from the beginning - what we don’t need to know are brand names, and what we don’t want to know are the characterists for every feeling related to hunger that you encounter. Let me give you an example:</p>

<p>I enter with a smile on my face absorbing the potent scents of culinary geniuses at work.</p>

<p>Ok, first of all, this sentence isn’t grammatically correct. It should be:</p>

<p>With a smile on my face, I enter, absorbing the potent scents of culinary geniuses at work. </p>

<p>The first version of the sentence claimed that the smile was absorbing the scents. Ok, so my second deal is the adjective usage: step it down, buddy. It’s obvious you know what to use, but you’re not using it correctly. I mean, this sentence just sounds verbose and meaningless. Less is more. </p>

<p>Anyway, good luck with your application. :)</p>

4

<p>Is this for Yale? I suggest you remove this essay immediately and submit it through email to people who have already applied EA.</p>

5

<p>Ah, now I’m hungry.</p>

<p>It’s a great essay, and I agree with Grad2005, as much as it pains me to say. You never know who could filch your writing on these boards. </p>

<p>But really, I think it is an excellent essay. Not boring at all, which is really what most of the others I read on these boards are. Good luck!</p>