I’m so sick of my roommates and their boyfriends

College Life
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I’m not sure if this the right place to post this but I really need to vent. I’m a student living in suite-style housing with 5 other girls. The setup is three shared bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a kitchen and living room (which are in the same space). I’m not super close or even friendly with my roommates except the one I share a room with (we were friends before living together).

Recently (ish), two of my roommates got boyfriends. Normally I wouldn’t care but the boyfriends are over ALL THE FREAKING TIME. I know my roommates pay to live here and they are entitled to bring guests over, but it’s starting to get ridiculous. At the beginning of the semester we all made an agreement to text our roommate group chat if we had guests coming over before 10am or after 10pm so none of us would be caught off-guard by guests during times when people are waking up/getting ready for bed. Since my roommates started dating, respect for that rule has flown completely out the window.

There was one Saturday where I woke up at 7am and walked out of my room to get breakfast to find my roommate and her bf kissing on the couch. No text. It was really awkward so I went back to my room. They were out in the living room until 4pm and it was terrible because I felt like I was trapped there and couldn’t go out to eat or shower or anything—and based on the conversations I had with my other roommates, they felt the same. Eventually (around 1pm) I got sick of being trapped in my room and decided screw it, I’m getting food. It was really awkward being in the same room as them and my roommate was glaring at me, but I literally hadn’t eaten anything all day because of her so I decided to not care. Something similar to this has happened a few more times since.

My other roommate with a bf brings him over almost every evening and never texts the group chat when he comes over after 10pm or stays past 10pm. And walking in on them is WAY more awkward than it is with the first roommate. There was one Friday when I was getting back from my sister’s house at around 11pm and I opened the door to find them making out in the entry way and blocking my way in. I had to very awkwardly ask if they could move and my roommate was annoyed that I had interrupted them. No text in the group chat. Another time, my room-roommate and I were at a sports game. We got home at around midnight and walked in to find them laying on the couch and very passionately making out. Again, no text in the group chat. My room-roommate and I decided to make hot chocolate in the kitchen (the game was very cold) and be obnoxiously loud. After five minutes of us doing this, our roommate FINALLY texted the group chat saying that her bf was over.

Another thing that’s so aggravating is that the roommates with the bfs are always in the living room late at night or early in the morning, and they are never quiet. I’ve been woken up super early and have had problems sleeping because of them.

When I try to say something to the roommates with bfs they get annoyed and accuse me of being judgmental. My other roommates (who have told me they are uncomfortable with the situation as well) don’t want to say anything because they’re scared or making those two roommates mad at them. I’ve checked with housing, and none of this is technically a problem to them unless the boyfriends are frequent overnight guests in the shared bedrooms.

I’m just so sick of paying overpriced rent for a space that I can barely use because it’s always taken up by boyfriends. I’m so sick of having to be the “bad guy” because I dare to suggest that my roommates respect the boundaries we ALL agreed on. I just want to live in my house in peace—not worrying if I’m going to walk in on a very personal moment at any given time. I feel like that shouldn’t be too much to ask, right?

Anyway, that’s my rant, haha.

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You all need to meet again and discuss what the rules are going to be now that you’ve all had some practical experience with your original rules because those rules aren’t having the desired effect. Acknowledge that the rules you made aren’t being followed and figure out why.

It’d be helpful to hear from the girls who have bfs to find out why they can’t text in advance. But it would also be helpful to understand why they are using the common space for activities they’d like to have private. There may be dynamics in their relationships that they hadn’t anticipated.

It’d be useful to hear from the girls wo bfs about how they feel and what would work for them. But also whether texting ahead would alleviate the problem.

There is a fundamental conflict between an expectation of privacy and a shared space. If you can have this conversation with humor and kindness and avoid accusations, it’ll help. Remember that you’re all trying to solve a problem together, not hold a trial!

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3 words: Housing Office Arbitrator.

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Is this on or off campus housing?

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Is there an RA you can talk to, to hold the meeting? You won’t be the first or last in this situation. You should feel conformable in your own space and not have to feel awkward.

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Here are a few ideas: 1) Try to talk to your suite-mates and come to a cordial agreement that everyone can be comfortable with; 2) Ask the RA to mediate if not satisfied by the outcome of your conversation; 3) Stop by the Office of Residential Life and see if you and your friend can move into a traditional double room (with no suite-mates) next semester if she is on the same page and that is an available option.

As an aside if your roommate is on the couch with her bf I would not close myself in my bedroom. I’d stay in the living area, do whatever I wanted, and wait for them to move. Just be sure you are always dressed in something you are OK being seen in when you leave your bedroom.

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Exactly…you should use that living room and kitchen the way you want to. That is the “public” area of your apartment. Maybe they will take the hint when you just start to cook a spicy meal!

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Thanks for the advice! From my view, it seems like they’re always in the living room because we have shared bedrooms that are really small, and our official housing agreement has really strict rules about guests in bedrooms. But maybe there’s something more to it!

While I would love for them to just stop bringing their bfs over so much, I feel like asking for a text is the most I can ask of them. I feel like they won’t respond well if I (or any of my roommates, for that matter) ask if they can limit the amount of time their bfs spend at our place, because so far they haven’t technically violated any housing agreements. At the very least, texting the group chat (preferably in advance) will give the rest of us time to prepare so we don’t walk in on them at awkward times. It’s not ideal but it feels like a compromise they’re more likely to go for.

Fortunately though, I got some of my roommates w/o bfs on board to hold a roommate meeting, so hopefully we can address this soon.

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It’s off-campus but technically still a part of the campus housing. There are no RAs.

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I’ve started doing the dishes every time one of the bfs comes over haha. Both of these roommates care a lot about cleanliness, so they can’t really get mad at me for tidying up!

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They can’t get mad at you for using the common facilities in your suite. So…just use them. Maybe they will take the hint.

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I think people have a legitimate right to privacy in a bathroom or in a private bedroom.

I don’t think there is a “right” to privacy in a shared living/kitchen area.

So perhaps when you sit down to the roommate meeting, take the focus off of the boyfriend issue, and just lay out ground rules that apply to everyone, every guest, etc. If you had a friend of whatever gender hanging around all the time, your roommates will be happy you guys have set boundaries ahead of time, right?

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Yeah I suppose we could do that but I think it would be pretty obvious who the meeting is directed at haha. We have discussed rules for guests in the past (for example, texting the group chat was one that we agreed on), and we’ve all had male and female guests over with no issues. The only time the rules are being ignored are with the boyfriends.

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