<p>I grew up in a family where my mother worked 2 jobs to pay the bills because my father did not earn much and was out if work for a while. My parents stayed together until my mother passed from cancer.</p>
<p>My father remarried a few years after my mother’s death. The woman who my father married has 2 kids. I am an only child. Here is my dilemma:</p>
<p>My father gives the same generous gift to the 2 kids as he does to me. This Christmas the 2 kids made a point of saying in advance that “there would be no gifts except for the little kids.” The woman my dad married repeated this many times and told me not to get them anything. I told her I wanted to and felt funny not buying my dad and her something but she said she definitely did not want anything. So I didn’t.</p>
<p>On Christmas day her 2 kids give her and my dad a camera and a digital device and say “oh, we just couldn’t resist.” I sat there as they opened the gift.</p>
<p>As usual, my dad gave them the same amount of money as he gave to me,</p>
<p>I feel weird about my dad giving them the money that my mother worked so hard for and would have wanted me to have. I also feel weird that they did not include me in the gift-giving as I would have wanted to chip in.</p>
<p>My philosophy on gifts - it’s a gift so nothing should be expected. If someone happens to give me a gift then great but I don’t expect one, and if I feel like getting someone a gift then I do - it’s none of anyone else’s business so I don’t care whether they decided to no longer give gifts or not - they can decide for themselves but not for me. </p>
<p>The only time I’d feel weird is if someone gave me an expensive gift because no one should be doing that and I don’t need one but fortunately that hasn’t been an issue.</p>
<p>One potential downside to gifts is in the area of expectations and potential jealousy such as you’re experiencing. It can really turn what should be a happy event into something quite negative. If you adopt my philosophy then you won’t have the issue. Remember that the money your dad is (presumably) his - not yours. He can spend it as he wishes. Your emotions are understandable and you’re having to deal with more than most people do but the quicker you can move past the gift giving emotions the better for you. For the next event just give whoever you want to a gift (or not) regardless of what other people (say they) are doing.</p>
<p>I’m sorry. I’m sure this is a tough situation, and blending families under these circumstances is never easy. I would definitely have a talk with your step-sibs. I don’t know what your relationship is with them. It’s perfectly possible that leaving you out was simply thoughtless on their part, but not meant to be malicious. I’d let them know that if they plan on giving a group gift to your parents in the future, that you’d like to be included. Beyond that, I wouldn’t feel embarassed or awkward at all about having respected your parents wishes for no gifts.</p>
<p>I am going to chime in because I have a blended family ( two kids from first marriage, husband has one, one child together ) As difficult as it is ,when there are gift giving occasions such as Christmas, I work very hard to make things as equal as possible for all kids. This includes counting the gifts as well as trying to match the dollars.
Even though I literally do all of the shopping and wrapping , I have never had a thank you from my step-daughter…always a " thanks Dad" the gifts she gives to all of us are either blantantly re-gifted crap or dollar store items , but we expect that , as her mother likes to slap my husband in the face at any chance given
This year because of the war she started on his birthday ( a big one ) I decided to put little or no effort into her gifts any more. she still had as many to open , but I signed the gift cards with my name first…still nothing , but then that is how she was raised so I expected that…and my family no longer buys her gifts or sends her cards because she has made no effort to thank any of them either</p>
<p>On the other hand , my ex’s wife also will not purchase anything for our girls , but leaves it up to him ( not too easy for a man to buy gifts for daughters that age ) </p>
<p>Were you set up ? That is hard to answer…it is always harder for the child not living in the household…and the situation of your mother not being here anymore makes it all that much more painful to deal with this situation for you , and I am guessing your father as well. Maybe , if they set up their own rules and exclude you , then you can do your own thing too…either way, I am sorry that this is a painful experience for you…we deal with it too</p>
<p>^ Yeah but there is NO comparison to how hard it is for adults in the situation, compared to how it is for kids. Just simply no comparison. The parents chose to be in this family situation, kids did not; the parents, as adults, should be by definition a heck of a lot more mature than the kids and not expect the same. And kids in this situation are <em>understandably</em> not going ot have the same bond with their biological parent so the step parent should get over it already. (As a side point- a step-parent should and would be buying gifts for her step-kids…an ex spouse however would never be expected to be buying gifts for their ex’s children! That makes no sense whatsoever; one is in a parent role, the other is in no relationship at all). </p>
<p>OP: my sense it there was miscommunication. Please don’t start assuming you did something wrong so this is their response. I’ve seen so many situations where someone says “please lets not do gifts” and then someone does anyway…and it all unravels and someone is stuck feeling foolish because they respected the request for no gifts. i think that is the situation you are in. And even if for some strange reason your dad’s new wife has some issue with her, that is her problem to deal with, not yours. She’s the adult and parent in this relationship. </p>
<p>I agree with others that you should talk to them about it.</p>
<p>I would ask the 2 step sibs if you could all go in together on the gift shopping the next time. I would call them way in advance. I am assuming your relationship with them is at least cordial. You have email & all that; even if you can’t do the shopping trip because you are away, you can get in on the planning part of it. </p>
<p>Are the step sibs girls? And in their teens? I am getting the sense that maybe they were quite honest when they said “we couldn’t resist”–teen girls often get into the store and see something, and all of a sudden whatever the plan was goes out the window. Before assuming a set-up (you have to be step sibs with these people for a long time) I would guess they got carried away when in the mall surrounded by other shoppers. </p>
<p>I don’t pay much attention to “I don’t want anything.” I do at least small things or handmade things (such as tree ornaments) for the people who “need nothing.” We gave our son in law a share of a camel from Heifer International this year, because he never “needs anything” (the actual camel went to a Maasai herder in Kenya). We included a camel Christmas ornament in the box with the paper about the “gift.” It was a big hit!</p>
<p>One thing you could do that would make you feel less empty handed is, never go home without a gift “for the table.” Even in situations where families have “agreed” not to do gifts, it is courteous to bring some food item that can either be used for the holiday meals or be put out if company comes (this latter helps the hostess). </p>
<p>If your school is in a town or region that has a specialty—like Wisconsin has cheese, or Calif has wine, or N Engl has maple syrup----you could bring some of that, esp if your folks live in a different area. If they are entertaining at the holiday, bringing some really nice chocolates, or unusual “treats” to set out, might be appreciated. If you have to fly and traveling with food or wine bottles is not easy, then try to pick something up on the way to the house — esp at Christmas time, even grocery stores have a surprising amount of nicely-packaged things. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>We have a bunch of step-situations among our cousins, et al, and I have noticed that as the years go by, the step sibs become better friends. The remarriages and so on had nothing to do with any of the kids, after all, and you are going to be the next generation of this family. Try to reach out to them & see what happens.</p>
<p>Kudos to you for wanting to do the right thing. It will take some effort to get adjusted to this situation, and communication may be challenging but will be the best investment you can make. Give your step-siblings the benefit of the doubt and assume that they just got carried away. Next year, ask to be in on the gift, and if they refuse, get your own meaningful gift - it does not have to be expensive. Try hard not to resent the monetary gift - you do not know the financial situation fully - maybe the second wife came into this marriage with money. You probably still miss your mom and need to talk about her and remember all of the good things about her - do this while avoiding comparison to your step-mom. Good luck!</p>
<p>If there is something in this situation that bothers you, there is one person you should speak to - your dad. Put it in terms of “I’m worried/uncomfortable/whatever” about x and so. </p>
<p>But one thing for sure - DO NOT discuss anything in terms of “money that my mother worked so hard for and would have wanted me to have.” That money is your father’s now to do with as he pleases; if your mother “would have wanted” you to have it, she would have left it to you in trust or outright in her will.</p>
<p>The one sure way to turn this into a large problem is to make it about money. Concentrate on the relationships in your new blended family and your feelings about the loss of your mother.</p>
<p>My vote is to talk to your dad. Do NOT say that he’s wrong to give the money to your steps or that you think your mom would have wanted you to have the money. That will make matters worse. </p>
<p>I would tell him that you had intended to give gifts to him and your stepmother but your stepmother insisted that you should not do this and so, out of respect for her wishes, you refrained from doing so. So, you just felt awkward when your steps ending up giving gifts. I’d turn it into “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings by not giving you a gift. I want to explain why…” </p>
<p>It may be that your dad is aware that his wife said this to you; it may be that he isn’t. I would just make sure that he is. Then let it go.</p>
<p>I can see why you are mad. Were you set up? I’m with the other posters, it’s hard to say.</p>
<p>What really helps me in these situations is if I tell someone and they come up with a funny take on things. Then I hang onto their funny observation and it helps diffuse my being upset. Just as a for instance I was recently yelled at by someone in a parking lot for driving too fast. I mean really yelled at. When I told my husband about it later he said “It sounds like he got madder at you than most people would have if you had actually hit them.” It was such a funny thing to say because it was true.</p>
<p>If your step-siblings are playing games with you then the good news is that the game-playing usually stops when people become adults and grow up. The bad news is the stakes become higher as parents die and money is inherited. I’m at that age and some of the scenarios I’ve witnessed are so sad and sometimes the outcomes are so unfair that the sibling relationships don’t survive.</p>
<p>I’m really sorry that your mother passed. You’re too young to have to come to terms with that kind of loss.</p>
<p>mine is almost similar only that i have to survive on my own. What should i do as a student trying to get to ivy universities with no parental support.</p>