I need some parental help: is this unethical, illegal, or both -

Parent Cafe
1

<p>So I’ve been dating this girl for awhile now and her father really, really doesn’t like me.</p>

<p>There’s no rational basis for his hatred. I’ve never brought her home past curfew; I’ve never tried to give her drugs/alcohol; I don’t pressure her into sexual situations. It’s like something you’d see in a bad movie, but it’s real </p>

<p>He did the same thing to his daughter’s last boyfriend - for some perspective the father used to be my dentist and went on for a good half-hour while I was in his chair about what a jackass, dumbass, and everything else the last bf was - and I didn’t even know his daughter or her boyfriend at the time!</p>

<p>His wife is much cooler and doesn’t really get along with him (and for some reason loves me) and has called me to apologize when I catch wind of his insults, but she’s the docile housewife type and has never said a word to contradict him in her life. I’ve actually heard him yelling at her with the standard “I make the money therefore” as me and his daughter were leaving one night.</p>

<p>What’s worse is he’s the smile at your face, stab your back type. He won’t say a word to me, but is apparently maligning me every chance he gets - first and foremost with his daughter. Well, in his last assault on my character/intellect/morality for, gasp, taking his 18-year-old daughter out to a movie, he went over the line - even for him.</p>

<p>He sat on the board that gave a scholarship I applied for and kept my transcript lying around his house. To punctuate his “he’s a dumbass” argument he made her read my high school transcript as he was in his 2 hour tyrade against me. (I failed quite a few classes in HS - went to CC and transferred into a certain ivy in New Haven 1600, 800, 800, 790 SATS).</p>

<p>That can’t be legal, can it? Even if it is I would expect more maturity out of my baby sister. Am I wrong to be upset here? I really care for the girl, but I can only take so much before I just spin on the guy (wouldn’t be much of a fight he’s fat and usually drunk).</p>

2

<p>This type of person will never be happy with anyone his little girl dates, and he sounds like control freak. BUT DON’T HIT HIM! He is trying to goad you into this, and he can file criminal charges against you. It will cost you a great deal of money to defend, and will put the D in the middle even more than she is right now. Controlling your temper will only prove that you really are a great guy, and his words will continue to fall on deaf ears. Plus, no matter how wonderful the D thinks you are, once you hit her father, you will be out the door. If you really like the girl, you will have to put up with the father. He will never go away. As to his keeping your transcript around - how did you find this out? From the D? If so, you can’t bring anything up - there is no way the D will testify against her father. She is probably more than a little afraid of him. If you can’t live with the situation the way it is, then find another girl whose father is impressed with your turnaround.</p>

3

<p>Unless your girlfriend is willing to say her dad shared the information with her and others and “turn him in” on your behalf, there isn’t much you can do to prove it. If his D does help you, it could cost her her family. And as you stated, mom stays out of it. So I am guessing you need to jsut live with it, as awful as it is.</p>

<p>And if he keeps saying things to his daughter/your girlfriend, she is either just taking it or defending you. </p>

<p>There is sooo much going on here, it can’t all be covered in one post, but here goes:</p>

<p>Dad is saying things about you to daughter.<br>
D/GF is still going out with you.<br>
But: is D/GF defending you, is she just taking it, is she telling you what Dad is saying, is she sugar coating it or makng it worse, I mean the bad boy attraction thing and irritating dad can be fun </p>

<p>If no one stops Dad, is this somethng you want to keep dealing with, since there is basically nothing you can do. If you accuse him, it will get GF in trouble with him even more.</p>

<p>If GF still lives at home, this is part of your life. GF has too choices, Say “Dad this is my BF, he is a good man and I wish you good see that. I don’t want to hear anymore. Maybe you and he can work this out, because I want you both to not put me in the middle. It makes me really sad when I have to hear that” or she just let dad rant, and continue seeing you. She does not need to keep rehashing with you by the way what did is saying. What is the point of that?</p>

<p>You could meet with him I guess, but I really can’t imagine what good it would do. And he is probably very good at the way he maligns you to others, so he doesn’t look too irrational, just like a concerned dad.</p>

<p>If you get serious with this girl, this could be your life, and some people do change, but many do not. Dad may come around, but you have seen how he treated other boyfriends. Maybe as his D gets older he may mellow, but maybe not.</p>

<p>With regards to last “going over the line”, what did he do?</p>

4

<p>The fight thing was more of a joke - I’ve never hit anyone in my life; I wouldn’t know how!</p>

<p>You’re right about the control thing. He won’t let her spend the night w/ friends, won’t let her see some friends, and literally dictates every second of her life. The only reasons he lets her see me is because she’ll fight him tooth and nail about it and he doesn’t want my family to know what he does. He also is a very heavy drinker which doesn’t help the situation.</p>

<p>As for me I could hardly be considered the bad boy. I failed in HS because I was going through cancer treatment and stopped caring. Not to sound like a pretentious jerk, but I go to Yale now for christ’s sake. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, and I’ve never tried any drug harder than advil. I should also clarify that he used to really, really like me (wanted his son to live with me if he got accepted into Yale), but the second I started seeing his daughter he sang a far different tune. Actually our famalies used to be fairly close. I’m convinced the only reason I still get to see her is because he doesn’t want my grandfather to know about this - he’s a prominent politician and he (gf’s dad) shamlessly kisses his (my grandfather’s) ass every opportunity he gets. Of course my grandfather already knows and detests the guy, but I’m fairly sure that’s why I still get to see her because the one time I tried to talk to him seriously about this issue all he could talk about is “your parents or grandfather don’t know anything about [what he did], do they?” and variations of the same sentance.</p>

<p>So, yes, I did try to talk rationally to him about it around 4-5 months ago, but like I said before he’s a smile in your face stab your back type of person. He pretended like nothing was wrong and went on his merry way talking behind my back. Also, yes, my GF tells me most of what I hear - but his BS about me has been confirmed by his son (an old friend of mine), his wife, kids my age, and one of his close friends.</p>

<p>Like I said, I’m at loss now though. Obviously, this can’t go on forever. It’s been a year and I’m wearing thin. I could give you all specifics about how he acts, but it would be too personally id’able. The only way I can describe it is childlike. Very, very immature.</p>

5

<p>
[quotes]
D/GF defending you, is she just taking it, is she telling you what Dad is saying, is she sugar coating it or makng it worse, I mean the bad boy attraction thing and irritating dad can be fun
[quotes]
</p>

<p>As far as the irritating dad thing:
No, aside from the issue of me dating her the entire family tries to just stay out of his way. They know better than to anger him for the sake of angering him. Think toltalitarian patriarchal family where his word is golden law no matter how irrational.</p>

<p>As for him arguing with her she just sits and takes it. She says she learned that arguing with him is futile a long time ago (thats a quote). As for what she tells me I think I get the sugar coated versions that I have to coax out of her (I want to know for my sake). Once again to quote her, “he’s never been wrong or said he’s sorry at least since I’ve been alive - He’ll argue the stupidest things just to avoid losing an argument.”</p>

<p>edit: I’m sorry about spelling it’s 1:12, but this thing just has my blood boiling.</p>

6

<p>AHHH…drinking, that is a very big deal…</p>

<p>If he is known as a jerk, and you have a good reputation, well then, you will get the benefit of the doubt. And I meant no disrepect regarding the bad boy thing, i just know young women and sometimes, they play that game, but not in this case.</p>

<p>Is GF is college? How long is she going to stay at home?</p>

<p>The best thing you can do is support girlfriend, make sure no violence has taken place, keep acting like a gentleman. </p>

<p>Heavy drinkers- what can I say…unless they want to get help or want to change, this is her life and your life. Something GF should do is get some help, Al=anon for instance. Here is the link:</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/[/url]”>http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Even just one or two meetings can make a huge difference</p>

<p>It will also help you two understand mom and dad…and how to cope</p>

<p>Good luck, it can be a very rough road</p>

7

<p>I am very serious about Al-anon, there is no shame going there and it can bring some sanity to your lives. Something to be aware of, a heavy drinker doesn’t have to be drunk at the moment to behave irrationally. Or do harm. Alcohol can be a trigger, but the anger and irrational behavior can be there for the heavy drinker even when “sober”</p>

<p>I didn’t mean anything bad about sitting and taking it. Sometimes with irrantional people that is all you can do, nod, say yeah I am listening and then get away and do what you need to do. It is a way of coping and not making things worse. I asked because it shows more dynamics of the situation and how everyone is coping and surviving.</p>

<p>The meetings are with people all going through or who have gone through very similar situations. They get it. </p>

<p>The drinking thing, along with the anger is very very scary.</p>

8

<p>Yes, when I was first meeting her she shared some of this and I asked if he’d ever touched her - for what it’s worth she said no.</p>

<p>As far as the drinking thing. He always seems to have a beer in his hand and I’ve seen him absolutely “gone” at most of the parties he throws (family stuff et cetera), but I don’t know how much of his behavior toward me is alcohol induced and how much of it is a result of him always having to be the center of attention. He always has to be telling the story and the story always has to be good. For example, (which is relevant to this forum) his son was applying to schools this year and he was forcing him to apply to H and Y(and would have forced him to go had he been accepted) even though he wanted to go into elsewhere. For a good 5 months he would tell anyone who would listen how “xxxxx’s going to have a tough decision between H and Y.” Aside from the fact that this thoroughly embarressed his son when he didn’t get accepted - it just kind of shows his child-like need for attention. I think him maligning me to his buddies has more to do with that, trying to maintain an toughguy image with drinking pals.</p>

<p>She’s tried to get her parents to go into “therapy” (not alcoholic just general I beleive), but her mom has told her that there’s no way he would ever consider it and asking him would only anger him or make you the butt of jokes for awhile).</p>

<p>I mean I really like this girl, but I just need something to calm him down because I hit my threshold of middle-school style gossip and slander about me today. I don’t think I’ll be willing to just “take it” much longer. I’m generally known as a very nice young man, but I don’t want this filth about me being spread all over town. I certainly don’t deserve it for innocently taking a girl out for dinner and a movie (AND having her back by curfew)!</p>

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<p>She can go to Al-Anon by herself, it is for her, not to change her parents, she can’t. What Al-Anon can do is let her see she is not alone, she how she can take care of herself, learn that she is basically powerless in changing her parents, sad as that sounds. </p>

<p>There is nothing you can do to “fix” him, calm him down, nothing…you have tried everyhing already, remember, people with a lot more life experiences have not been able to change him or calm him down. You won’t be able to. No one can, only HE can change.</p>

<p>Now, it is up to GF to take care of herself. She is of legal age, the meetings are free (maybe a small donation). She already knows, as do the rest of the family that he will not change. And he has probablly gotten worse of the years.</p>

<p>So focus on each other. You have to remember you have NO POWER over the parents. Only over your own decisions. Your reactions to them. Your frustrations. Your anger. All valid by the way. </p>

<p>If you are uncomfortable witht e group meeting thing, don’t be, it is all confidentinal, and GF can go to another city. And she can go and just listen and not say anything. For as long as she needs or wants to. </p>

<p>This is something GF needs to do for herself. And, you can go to, but not together. She has different issues than you do. And she needs to worry about herself, and not what you are dealing with right now. That is not meant to sound harsh, but its hard sometimes for people to take care of themselves when someone they care about is dealing with something as well. </p>

<p>I am so sorry you are going through this. It is hard. And it is hard to feel powerless. But in this case, as sad asit is to hear, there is very little you can do with regards to the parents. It is who they are and who they have been for years and years.</p>

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<p>Sorry late edit I didn’t know if you saw this:</p>

<p>
[quotes]

As far as the drinking thing. He always seems to have a beer in his hand and I’ve seen him absolutely “gone” at most of the parties he throws (family stuff et cetera), but I don’t know how much of his behavior toward me is alcohol induced and how much of it is a result of him always having to be the center of attention. He always has to be telling the story and the story always has to be good. For example, (which is relevant to this forum) his son was applying to schools this year and he was forcing him to apply to H and Y(and would have forced him to go had he been accepted) even though he wanted to go into elsewhere. For a good 5 months he would tell anyone who would listen how “xxxxx’s going to have a tough decision between H and Y.” Aside from the fact that this thoroughly embarressed his son when he didn’t get accepted - it just kind of shows his child-like need for attention. I think him maligning me to his buddies has more to do with that, trying to maintain an toughguy image with drinking pals.
[/quotes]
</p>

<p>By the way, I really appreciate your imput, Citygirlsmom. I’ve calmed down since my original message here.</p>

11

<p>Something else, when his son did not get into HY, and you did, making you look bad is like “well, how great can that school be if they took helpmeplz…”</p>

<p>You are a symbol to him of what he perceives as a failure of his son or of the school, a reminder. Not your fault of course, but Dad probably doesn’t see it that way. He sees you and remembers his pride and how he was embarrassed. Remember, none of his thoughts are rational, but it is what you are all dealing with</p>

12

<p>What you need to remember and so does GF (well she pretty much already knows) is that you have no influence over parents. And once you can accept that reality, you will feel better. If you know you can not fix somebody else, and can only help each other and your selves, the sense of relief is actually very freeing. Take that anger and energy and volunteer somewhere, change the focus, help others that will accept it…</p>

<p>But, if he hits someone, drives drunk, then you need to decide what to do…the driving thing is something people can do something about, and physcial abuse is as well</p>

<p>get some sleep, start fresh, you can PM me if you like</p>

13

<p>Yeah, I felt bad for the poor son. I’ve known him for years and he really is a great guy, but I knew he was courting disaster when he was telling everyone that as if he was already in.</p>

<p>Thanks again, Citygirlsmom.</p>

14

<p>There may be a couple of factors at play here.</p>

<p>First, you’re going to a university that he hoped his son would have the opportunity to attend. (He won’t be the last person who reacts to your having gone to Yale with something other than unadulturated admiration. (Just between the two of us, isn’t making other people jealous one of the reasons people chose to go to Yale?))</p>

<p>Second, you’re dating his teenaged daughter. It’s a rare father who genuinely likes any guy who dates his teenaged daughter. Having him pretend to like you may actually be the best you can hope for right now. Many fathers treat their daughters’ suitors with unconcealed contempt.</p>

<p>Some day, when she’s older, if you’re still around, and have behaved honorably toward his daughter, he may develop a genuine liking for you. And you may actually find that he has one or two qualities that you have come to admire.</p>

<p>Over the years, I’ve developed a remarkably warm relationship with both my mother-in-law and my father-in-law. That’s not something I would have predicted on that morning a dozen years ago when the two of them gazed at me coldly while awaiting the answer to his blunt question: “So, how much money do you make?”</p>

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<p>sounds like Meet the Parents</p>

16

<p>But remember, you need to throw the alcohol into the mix, which even skews things more.</p>

<p>And with that in the mix, no matter how rational everyone else is, the person with the problems is almost impossible to deal with</p>