I need tips on organizing a 13 yr old boy

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I have a 13 year old son that cannot remember anything! He forgets homework assignments… He forgets to bring home material to prepare for upcoming tests… He has a band concert on Sunday and by accident I ran into the band teacher yesterday who asked if I was aware my son’s instument had been broken for a week… Oh boy!</p>

<p>I met with his teachers two weeks ago and they all said he is disorganized. </p>

<p>any ideas? I am VERY organized, and understand the benefits of being prepared and having your things organized… </p>

<p>I know so many disorganized adults and have never had any luck changing their ways!!</p>

2

<p>“I know so many disorganized adults and have never had any luck changing their ways!!”</p>

<p>I think you’ve already provided the answer. Best thing you can do is simply make them more self-aware, and let the chips fall where they may.</p>

<p>He will face consequences, and decide for himself whether they are worth remedying.</p>

3

<p>My son was the same way at that age. He was bright, though, and I made it a priority that his forgetfulness was not going to hinder his learning. I would do everything in my power (talk to his teachers, get their cooperation, keep up with his homework and make sure he’s bringing it home, etc.) to keep him on task with his studies and get him through this period of his life (it may take a couple years) successfully. Don’t let the psychological changes he is undergoing hinder his academic development.</p>

<p>I think some boys just experience neurological changes around puberty that make them act out in a variety of ways- confused, irresponsible, “stupid”, forgetful, aggressive, whatever. As moms, we tend to focus in on the changes that young girls/women go through (mood swings, highly charged emotions, crying, etc.) since we went through it and understand it. But the changes that boys go through (and they do go through emotional changes in puberty too), we kind of overlook. For example, most of us wouldn’t react to our daughter having a miserable week because of monthly cramps, crankiness, and upheaval, by saying “get over it!” We’d have more sympathy than that. But people tend to have very little sympathy toward boys when they go through similar brain-dead periods, without realizing their bodies and brains are changing too.</p>

<p>When my son was that age, I read some books by Michael Gurian that were helpful. Also there’s a web site that can give additional resources:
<a href=“http://www.boysproject.net/index.html[/url]”>http://www.boysproject.net/index.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Hope this helps.</p>

4

<p>OKay, lets just work with ONE thread here…some ideas:</p>

<p>When my D was in 7th grade, she HATED her teacher, and thus was unenthusiastic and disorganized</p>

<p>So, EVERYDAY, when she came home from school, she had to go over with me what her assignments were for each class, and she had to rewrite them on a calendar we created, in the morning, she would go over that calendar to be sure she had everything for school</p>

<p>It was not punishment, but a way for her to focus…their brains are so full, their bodies are changing, they are so much more involved than we ever were, and we need to teach them skils…and actually in the beginning of her “forgetting” assignments, etc., with one teacher, because of D’s’ gradesm she had to get the teacher to signoff weekly that her work was turned in, D kept a log of assignments and all teacher had to do was initial it…well, we only had to do that 3 times and like magic, D was getting her assignments in, she didn’t like having to get teacher’s initials Friday afternoon, while her friends were outside hanging out…again, not punishment, but a way to get D to focus…</p>

<p>Basic skills and aid:</p>

<p>Make sure his work space is organized
Make sure you have all the supplies he needs
Have a BIG calendar and weekly, update it with concerts, projects etc</p>

<p>After awhile, it becomes more internal, and mom doesn’t need to remind as much, and THEN if they forget stuff, you least know you have provided the tools and the environment for student to do well</p>

<p>I for one am fine with letting natural consequences happen, BUT, if he doesn’t have the knowledge and the tools to succeed, when the times comes TO get organized, he still won’t know what to do</p>

5

<p>I just had to write again because this thread hits SOOO close to home. I remember clearly the angst and frustration when my son was 13.</p>

<p>Do not, I repeat do not, let the concept of natural consequences lead you down the path of allowing him to fail academically. In other words, don’t let him fail in school to teach him a lesson. I actually had a teacher AND a psychologist tell me to do this! I am SO glad I did not listen. They told me to stay out of it, and at the end of the semester when his grades were poor, we could punish him. Whaaaaaaat? So let me get this right…we let him NOT do homework, study, write papers, etc., then we wait until he flunks and THEN do something. HMMMM. Meanwhile he’s behind in all his subjects, and has a poor foundation upon which to start high school. Good idea. :p</p>

<p>I’d talk to all his teachers, explain that you’re trying to get him organized, that you don’t want his forgetfulness to compromise his education, and that you’d appreciate it if they’d help you stay on top of things- by letting you know if he forgets to hand something in. And if he does, have him do it anyway and hand it in late. Then I’d get with him, get him an organizer, help him stay on it, like citygirlsmom said. Maybe you could have incentives for him having all his assignments done properly every week, or something like that. But by all means, if he falls off, be there to make sure he does the assignment eventually!</p>

<p>I used to have an agreement with my son’s teachers- that if he forgot a homework assignment, I was going to have him do it late and turn it in anyway, even if he got a zero. The lesson he learned was that he wasn’t going to be “off the hook” by forgetting the worksheet or assignment.</p>

6

<p>Another idea-Make every teacher initial his hw assignment book daily. This would make the teacher see if everything was written down. You could check it daily at home. You can check to make sure all papers are in his backpack in the morning (you can stand at the door, or do at night just before bedtime).</p>

<p>My kids did not get their book initialed, but I know a boy who did, and it created so much embarrassment that he worked harder to do his hw, so that he would not need this step.</p>

<p>BTW, when my kids forgot a book, handout etc., I drove them back to the school, or they were required to borrow it from a friend. No excuses.</p>

7

<p>Work with your S’s teachers. In my experience, teachers are very familiar with the 13-year-old-flakey-boy syndrome, and are willing to help you deal with it. </p>

<ol>
<li><p>Get him a planner which he takes to school EVERY DAY. Have him write down his assignments in it and have the teacher sign it. If there is no assignement, make him write down ‘no assigment’ and also get teacher’s signature. Check the planner yourself every day. If he leaves the planner at school, make him go back and get it. If he didn’t get assignment signed by the teacher, we call a classmate to confirm. We have a second, duplicate planner that stays at home, in case the original planner “gets lost.”</p></li>
<li><p>Get him color-coded folders, different colors for different subjects. Go through each folder with him, every day. When he does homework, make him put it in the right folder right away. If the subject has a corresponding book, I actually make S clip the folder to the book, so when he takes it out in class, the folder comes out too: that increases the odds the homework gets turned in. </p></li>
<li><p>Set up a nightly routine: go through the planner w/ S. Write down long-term assignments in the stay-at-home planner. Establish a time-line for the long-term projects. If there are several things to be done in one night, we make a TBD list for the evening and discuss what should be done first and why. (Teaches prioritizing skills.) I make S cross each item off as it gets done. (To develop list-making habits.) When S is finished with each homework, make sure he puts it in the right folder and into the backpack right away. </p></li>
<li><p>Help S put together a back-up system with some of his more-reliable classmates. We actually tell them, “Aaron, you’re our science back-up.” We have the kids’ phone numbers handy. If S has a question about what’s due when, we call science back-up Aaron. The back-up kids get a kick out of this as well: makes them feel very responsible & grown up. Last year I took Aaron out for an end-of-the-year ice cream sundae as a thank you, because there was no way S would have gotten through the year without him. </p></li>
<li><p>We have an incentive system in our home: you want to join the ski expensive snowboarding club? You want a cell phone? OK - but only with no Cs on your report card. (And we stick to it. So pick incentives you can actually live without!) We even told some of S’s teachers about the incentive system. His language arts instructor has been known to remind my S in class: you want to snowboard this winter, right? </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Finally - make sure you always have a glass of wine handy. You’ll need it for when the system fails (and it WILL fail from time to time) and you’re feeling like there is no hope.</p>

8

<p>The above post is what we did, give or take</p>

<p>What you will find is that much, like the initials, you won’t have to do forever, but it does create the good habit of writing everything down, and if there is some slipping, you can go back to it</p>

<p>that is what we did, after three weeks, D said she didn’t need to get initials anymore, so she stopped that, and so long as she was getting her work in, and was still completing the planner, etc., good</p>

<p>something else, remember to compliment when they are doing it right, so when you see planner and it looks neat and complete, give him a hug or a high five, sounds corny, but positive feedback helps alot</p>

<p>what is so funny was, my D’s room was always really neat, her clothes perfectly color coordinated, but her papers, not so much</p>

<p>i think two things can be in play there- bored or overwhelmed with the work, and it can be both, with the different subjects</p>

<p>the kid either thinks, oh, I can do this without doing the homework, or the other side, what’s the point, i will never get it, or the teacher is confusing, and the kid isn’t sure what is expected of them- sometimes they spend tons of time on homework and its just glanced at, and others, what they thought was a simple assignment, turns out to be much bigger</p>

<p>kids don’t often see the value of assignments, and that needs to be discussed, and sometimes the value is that the teacher just wants it done…</p>

<p>so a bit of discussion about each class- too easy, struggling, etc, can give both student and parent insight as to what is going on</p>