I need your help

Parent Cafe
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<p>I have been wanting to write something on here for a long time, but things kept getting in the way. I was first going to make separate threads about my different situations, but I have just decided to just compile everything in one single thread. Reading the thread might be a little weird. I will start from the end to the beginning. I hope you can understand it.</p>

<p>First of all, I just want to say that it will probably be hard to understand the whole situation and that it might be hard to comment. I will try my very best to vividly describe everything in detail. Also, please don’t hesitate to comment (good or bad) about me. I want love to hear the good and the bad.</p>

<p>I am currently a junior in college and on track to graduate in 4 ½ years total. The bad part is that I currently have a 2.25 GPA. </p>

<p>Now let me back up from there. I started college graduating high school with a 91 average (Top 20% of class). I wasn’t awarded any scholarships because my SAT scores were not high enough. I never had any specific college choices. I guess it was always decided that I was going to go to the local state school. It is a lot cheaper than other schools (about $4,500 a year). I couldn’t see spending $15 or $20 thousand for a year of schooling. My parents have always said to me that they would pay for my schooling (they saved money up in a college fund). </p>

<p>High school was OK for me. I really enjoyed being in choir and being involved in an organization. I did very well my Freshman year. I was in the top 10% of my class (with a 94 average). Sophomore year was a bit more of a struggle. I barely squeaked by with a B in geometry. Junior year I struggled a little more. I got 2 C’s and had to retake a class. I did better in my Senior year. I got all A’s and B’s and really enjoyed my classes. The problem with me was that I never did well taking tests. You can give me the work and I’ll do it, but I always struggled with tests. It seemed like it was the opposite with other students. My homework grades brought my grade up, while it hurt other students. </p>

<p>Elementary and middle school was easy for me. I never had to worry about failing classes. My main concern was just not getting a C. Teaches always commended me when my Mom went to student-teacher conferences. They always had nothing but good things to say about me. I remember my science teacher even saying that I will be a successful person saying that I would graduate at the top of my high school class.</p>

<p>Well now I will get back to topic. My grades have been going down since my first semester of college. I obtained a 3.0 my first semester (2 A’s and 2 B’s). Well that wasn’t good enough for my Mom. She expected me to be getting all A’s since I had “nothing else to do”. I still don’t know what that comment means. Second semester I did OK. I got 1 A, 1 B, and 2 C’s. I took 3 classes in the summer and got 1 B and 2 C’s. In the fall, I enrolled for 5 classes. This is when the downfall started. I ended up getting 1 B, 2 C’s, and 2 F’s. Well you know what my Mom’s reaction was if she reacted badly to a 3.0 average. I decided to take a 2 week class during my winter break (I just didn’t want to stay at home.). I really enjoyed the class. The whole 2 weeks was class work and a lot of group work preparing for a presentation. It was really fun working with my group members and it was a great experience. I received a B in the class. I decided to only take 4 classes in the Spring. Accounting was really hard for me. I always did the homework fine, but when I got to the tests it looked like I was reading something in a foreign language. I ended up getting a D in Accounting and B’s in the other 3 classes. I took 1 class during the summer and got a C (had to drop the 2nd class). Well now on to Fall 2007. I took 4 classes. The Math class was very hard for me (and my other classmates). About 60% of the class failed. It was the worst class I have ever attended. I barely passed Accounting for the 2nd time (thank God!). I ended up getting a F in the Math class, a C in Accounting, and a B and a C in my other classes. Well now to the current semester. It seemed like I was so burnt out when I started. I really did enjoy my Management class. If I did better on my quizzes, I would have gotten an A, but I got a B. Got a C and a B in my other 2 classes. Well. I still had my second Accounting class. I struggled throughout. My grade was so bad that I didn’t even bother showing up to the final. </p>

<p>Well that’s pretty much my whole story about my years of schooling. Well now on to the second part of this thread (thanks for reading so far). As you can tell, I went from doing great in elementary and middle school, to doing good in high school, to doing not so great in college. </p>

<p>Throughout my childhood, my father never did much with me. He never complimented any of my good grades or anything that I accomplished. He said a couple of years ago that, “Parents shouldn’t compliment their children, they should only criticize them”. I was in a loss for words when he said that. I asked for an explanation for that comment, but he never came up with a response. I remember when I played on a basketball team and had a great day. It seemed like I made every basket. Well after the game, my dad comes up and says “how many shots did you miss”. I remember the coach was there and he looked stunned. Of course that is “what parents are supposed to do” (according to my father). I think I spent more times talking with my friends at school and my grandparents than I did my father. When I speak to him now, it is as if I am speaking to a stranger.</p>

<p>Well of course someone is to blame for all of this. My father blames my mother because she didn’t let him do things with me. And of course somebody who gets blamed has to blame somebody else. That is where I come into the picture. My Mom blames me that I never let my father do anything with me. Presently, I can’t say anything positive about my father. I know it is sad, but it is the truth. Of course my Mom never agrees (even though she witnessed everything). I feel like I am going crazy.</p>

<p>The one thing that has keeping me grounded is my hobby. I have collecting autographs for the past 7 years (mainly sports). The past 2 years, I have started collecting celebrity autographs. I have always wanted to before that time, but my Mom never wanted to wait. I have experienced many great things the past 2 years and I have developed favorite bands and TV shows. It is always fun learning about the person before or after I get the autograph and becoming a fan of them.</p>

<p>Well now to the present. I figured that if I get all B’s the rest of the way, I will get a 2.5 GPA. I would be fine with that, but of course my Mom would see that as a failure. I am going to 2 classes in the summer and I will finally be able to get rid of the prerequisites for my classes.</p>

<p>The thing that troubles me is that it seems like I don’t care about school anymore. It didn’t even faze me when I received an F in my Accounting class this past semester. I am really burnt out. I would love to take a break and go to a couple of cities that are close (I have enough money saved up from jobs), but my Mom always says that “what if something happens” and “it is not safe if you go alone”. I can barely get to the closest city that is 45 miles away.</p>

<p>I would like to thank you for reading this far. I hope I typed with vivid imagery.</p>

<p>My questions to you are:
Should I be worried about my GPA? </p>

<p>Would it be a complete failure if I get a 2.5 GPA?</p>

<p>How could I convince my Mom to let be travel by myself?
I really appreciate in advance your comments. Please feel free to add any comments (good or bad). Thank You.</p>

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<p>2 things that struck me reading your thread
Sounds like accounting may not be your thing? You are not good at it and you do not sound like you enjoy it. Why are you doing accounting classes? Are you sure you are in the right major for you - it is difficult to do well in subjects that do not interest you.</p>

<p>But my biggest reaction. How old are you? You say you are a junior in college. So I am assuming 20 or 21? Good heavens why do you have to ‘convince’ your Mom to let you travel alone? You are an adult. It is up to you to make that choice - you do not need permission. My daughter has just turned 19 and just finished her freshman year. She has a job over a thousand miles away from home - in fact she left today and is driving there. She has already got lost once, adding a couple of hours to her journey and her fan belt broke several hours into the journey and she dealt with calling a tow truck and getting it fixed. Am I freaking out. Yes I am. Would I like her closer to home. Of course. Would I have tried to stop her from applying for this job and having this experience. Not for a moment. Not that she asked my permission nor would I have expected her too. I am proud of her and excited for her and I think it will be an enormous growing experience for her. Will miss her like crazy but that is part of her growing up. She plans to study abroad also - probably her junior year. </p>

<p>It sounds to me like you need to work on becoming more independent. Are you living at home during college? I am assuming so because i would have no idea where my daughter is going during the school year unless she chooses to tell me (which she often does though i am sure she often does no as well). Maybe you can start by telling your Mom you are going to ‘wherever’ and that you will call her when you get there to let her know you are safe.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the reply.</p>

<p>I am 20 and I am living at home during college. I am majoring in Management, but every business major has to take 2 Accounting classes.</p>

<p>I am a very independent person. I love going to places by myself.</p>

<p>“Maybe you can start by telling your Mom you are going to ‘wherever’ and that you will call her when you get there to let her know you are safe.”</p>

<p>I wish it was that easy. My Mom would then use “blackmail”. She would then say if you have money to go places, then you might as well pay for rent and you might as well pay for your education.</p>

<p>So I am stuck in the middle. I want to me more independent and travel to places on my own, but I can’t.</p>

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<p>insomniatic, you are working hard and haven’t quit. That’s impressive in itself.</p>

<p>The grades and your parents’ attitude have been disappointing, but it sounds like you have wisely tried to get all your requirements finished and hopefully the worst is now behind you.</p>

<p>You’ll graduate with a 2.5 – you’ll have your diploma.</p>

<p>It does sound like you need a break and the travel sounds like a good way to take one. Would your mother be happier if you travelled with a friend? Would you enjoy going somewhere to visit a relative – would that be more acceptable to her? Is it possible to get an internship or do something school related that would require you to stay elsewhere for some weeks?</p>

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<p>I agree that you need to begin to believe in yourself. For your father to be so lacking in warmth and encouragement and for your mother to be so demanding are NOT YOUR FAULT!! It is they who have problems, and perhaps these problems have ended up hurting you-- a lot. I am not a mental care professional at all, but I am a teacher, so I know teenagers. It could be that talking to someone who could help you sort out some of the results of this pressure might be in order. You are an adult, and you can make your own decisions. Distance from your parents, as painful as that might be, is a thought. You live with them, and maybe that can’t change, but get away for a while during the summer, if you can. Then, try to have a talk with them, when things are pretty calm, and maybe they can see you for the good and caring person you are. If not, it is sad, but it is their loss. You sound like you will be a success. </p>

<p>When you finish college, as long as you have not flunked out, and it doesn’t look like that will happen, you will be fine. Your GPA will be fine. Let up on yourself a little.</p>

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<p>I’m so sorry that you’ve been having trouble in school, and that your relationship with your dad has been so distant.</p>

<p>To answer your questions: </p>

<p>-I don’t know how you can get your mom to loosen the reins. No doubt you’ve spoken with her, but if she won’t budge, you are rather stuck, as you say, since it’s your parents’ house, and they support you. I regret that you can’t have the independence you seem to deserve at this time. </p>

<p>-You can, it seems, obtain some additional independence locally. There are presumably many things locally that you can take up on your own–community service, tutoring, intramurals, a new hobby, a new part-time job, etc. Such activities perhaps can fill part of the independence gap for you.</p>

<p>-Your immediate goal as I see it is to become financially independent of your parents, so that you can either pay them reasonable rent or move out on your own. A great step in that direction would be to finish your degree, improving your grades in the process. To this end, I would recommend that you speak with a counselor at college, in order to try to figure out why your grades have been low. </p>

<p>-With regard to your father, I am so sorry that he has taken such a negative viewpoint in raising you. I can tell that the experience has been, and still is, quite painful for you, and I am sorry. </p>

<p>I’m sure that you realize intellectually that your father’s approach to parenting is not considered appropriate or viewed at all favorably today. If it were possible for you, your mom and dad to go to family counseling, I think that you could get some help there. I’m thinking, though, that your parents might not be willing to go. If they won’t go, I would recommend discussing your father, also, with an on-campus counselor. I think that the chance to share your feelings, and gain some additional perspective, could be helpful for you.</p>

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<p>Thank you for your insightful comments. They are very helpful.</p>

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<p>In addition to the above suggestions, I would add that you should remember always that the only behavior you can change is your own. You can certainly seek family counseling in order to improve the relationship you have with your parents (as suggested above), but you are an adult and the relationship will be an adult-to-adult one, not really a parent-child one at this point. </p>

<p>I think that you need to somehow pull yourself out of the mindset where you are deciding that the actions of others (in particular, your parents) are the only reason you are where you are. Of course it’s true that their actions have led, in part, to this; but you can only count on changing your own behavior, not theirs. </p>

<p>You are old enough to decide for yourself that you ARE going to do your best in school. If you are not able to do that, then get a job and get out on your own until you decide that finishing your education is enough of a priority that you devote the time and focus to your schooling that is required. </p>

<p>Best to you in this. I know it’s hard, but you CAN re-direct yourself, I believe. And just graduating and getting that degree is a worthy goal. But it can only be a “worthy goal” if YOU decide it is a priority and are willing to do the work. Your GPA will not matter that much, unless you are trying to get into grad school.</p>

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<p>“I think that you need to somehow pull yourself out of the mindset where you are deciding that the actions of others (in particular, your parents) are the only reason you are where you are. Of course it’s true that their actions have led, in part, to this; but you can only count on changing your own behavior, not theirs.”</p>

<p>Sorry if I alluded that my parents are the only reason I am where I am.</p>

<p>I do blame them for some part, but I know that I am the only person that can change myself.</p>

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<p>I had one wild and crazy idea, which was that you get a position at a summer camp.</p>

<p>It certainly would be a change of scene, would get you out of the house for up to 10 weeks, and would give you some cash.</p>

<p>Of course, lots of people are not cut out to spend 24/7 with youth in a remote location, but still…</p>

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<p>Wow, I could have written the op many years ago. I apologize in advance if my question is inappropriate but are you Asian ? I ask because I am and our experience was so similar. My parents criticized us children incessantly. Nothing was ever good enough. That was their way of motivating us. They told us many years later they realize it was wrong but they didn’t know any better then. </p>

<p>I speculate that your mom is only vaguely threatening you about paying your way if you don’t do as she says. That gives her control. If push comes to shove she will not cut you off if that is what you are worried about. </p>

<p>I moved, actually ran away from home because in my case my dad keep saying that if I want to do things my way I can leave, so I did. I moved to the dorm with 6 black garbage bags, my worldly belongings of that time. My parents were actually quite devastated and ashamed that I moved out. I am not suggesting you do the same, it was quite hard though doable. I finished my degree and my relationship with my parents are ok now. </p>

<p>I think it may be a good idea for you to take a year off, earn some money and regroup though. I think you sound burnt out.</p>

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<p>As long as you are living at home you will have to deal with your parents. Your Dad’s approach is not typical, I am sorry you have to deal with it. Keep in mind that while you can’t change other people’s behavior, sometimes if you react differently their behavior will change. I agree with ADad your goal should be to be financially independent so you can live on your own. Obviously a college degree will be a big help.</p>

<p>So to the school thing. Can you figure out what is happening on tests? Do you think your problems could be exacerbated by anxiety? Do you think you could use more help on how to study for a test? Your school probably has some sort of service to help kids with academic issues, they may be able to help you find ways to study for tests more effectively. I’d also suggest you find some courses that only have papers or projects. There are bound to be a few.</p>

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<p>No, I am not Asian.</p>

<p>I was going to work the summer, but I still need to take 2 prerequisite courses so I can take the classes that I want to take in the fall.</p>

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<p>I would just like to bump this thread up to the top.</p>

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<p>Insomniatic, do the best you can to graduate with the best average you can get without knocking yourself out. Some of us have difficulty juggling diverse subjects and do much better taking one class at a time. It might be beneficial for you to just work on getting your degree and not worry so much about what it will be and what your gpa is going to be. If you get a better idea of what you want to do, you can pick up a course as you work after you graduate.</p>

<p>To understand your parents’ perspective, however, let me tell you about my son. He could not understand why we were not thrilled with his grades. As far as he was concerned, passing was all that mattered, and by the time he was done with college, that was all that mattered to us too since we just wanted him out with a diploma even if it was in basketball dribbling. However, when he joined the “real” world and took a course that would be helpful to him at work, he found that his employers under their tuition reimbursement plan would only pay fully for an A and partially for a B. Reality check here. Mom and Dad were paying for Cs. Sure we complained.</p>

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<p>Are Math & Accounting required courses for graduation ? Is there a way to avoid taking them ?</p>

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<p>“Are Math & Accounting required courses for graduation? Is there a way to avoid taking them?”</p>

<p>Unfortunately, all business majors have to take 2 Math and 2 Accounting courses.</p>

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<p>Can you have these courses taken at a community college and than transfer it back ? At some colleges transfers do not count in the GPA.</p>

<p>If you repeat the courses and get a better grade, will the old grade be taken off ? </p>

<p>You sound burnt out to me. Would you consider taking a year off to gather yourself ?</p>

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<p>"Can you have these courses taken at a community college and than transfer it back ? At some colleges transfers do not count in the GPA.</p>

<p>If you repeat the courses and get a better grade, will the old grade be taken off ? </p>

<p>You sound burnt out to me. Would you consider taking a year off to gather yourself ?"</p>

<p>I am going to take my Math class over at the community college and my Accounting class at the University this summer. I am taking the Accounting class with the same professor (so I know she is a good professor).</p>

<p>Unfortunately, the old grade won’t be taken off. </p>

<p>I would love to take a year off, but it probably wouldn’t be manageable. Do you have any suggestions?</p>

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<p>What are the obstacles for taking a year off ?</p>