I need YOUR input on my personal statement

The prompt: “Please choose one of the commitments that you listed in the
Activities section (activity, interest, or work experience)
and provide a short description of its importance to you.
Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student
experience at Penn State.”


While my peers were hooked to cartoons, I became interested in computer technology and designing websites when I was eleven years old. Instead of flashy graphics and poor user navigation implemented by other designers, I choose to balance the use of a website against the design. I believe that aesthetic quality is second to effective user function. Pursuing a career in Management Information Systems will allow me to apply my methodology, improving end-user functions, to real-world business applications.

<h2>When friends and teachers approached me with computer problems, I was always able to provide assistance. I want to be a leader in the “information revolution”, and to be able to apply my methods to improve the sectors of businesses worldwide. Therefore, I want to be a part of this by broadening my capabilities and skills that Penn State can offer me, through its influential information technology-related courses. Plato said it best when he stated, “The direction in which education starts a man will determine his future”, and accordingly, I see a bright opportunity in pursuing a career at Penn State. Being one of the proud students to say “We Are Penn State” will be a stepping-stone towards success in my life.</h2>

Critique me to the nth degree-- Be nasty. If possible, please offer me any suggestions as well. :slight_smile:

<p>This is a personal statement. Go back and personalize it. Why computers instead of cartoons? How did it make you feel? Were you excited? Fascinated?Don't tell them. Show them. Have some passion.</p>

<p>Don't talk about crap you think they want to hear. "End-users". "Sectors of business" . Please. That's crap. Nobody buys that you get your jollies from that stuff and it is wasting their time and your space. Cut to the chase. You get a thrill from finding a solution in code. You found something that makes you feel a part of something bigger. I don't know, maybe even something better. </p>

<p>Good God man (woman?), if you show them who you are and they DON'T like you, isn't that a good thing to know now? Stop writing like you want to get into their college at the price of your soul.That price is too dear. </p>

<p>O.K. I intentionally let myself get "animated" to see if I could show you how to put some feeling and personality into your statement. Now, I've probably convinced them I'm a nut, but at least they know who I am. LOL. Try it again.</p>