My mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness two weeks ago, and then had a terrible fall in the hospital leading to a broken hip. She is suffering like an animal and was already blind and almost totally deaf with other health problems… My dog passed last year and we did not let him suffer like this, he was peacefully put to sleep in the company of his daddy. I hate, hate, hate this situation. My daughter has promised me that when the time comes she will put a pillow over my face. I remind her of that regularly.
zooser. I am so sorry that your mom is suffering and you are suffering watching her. My parents have both died. It was as if we were living in a swirling dark and stormy vortex as we struggled through the process. We found it was very beneficial to step away, step out of the vortex long enough to gather our strength and get a fresh breath of air. Take care of yourself.
One thing I’ve started doing is going through my Dad’s things, xeroxing everything to share with my sister, and putting it into files. Unlike the unhappy files I used to have about his health, HIPAA stuff, etc., these are happy files that are about his life. Letters to Mom, news clippings Grandma saved, old report cards (Grandma saved them ALL), resumes (oh, these are great - remember the day of putting your marital status and social security number on your resume, along with your top secret security clearance?) - all in all it reminds me that he had a really wonderful life, even if the last year or two were not so great.
And of course, I vow to try to do it a bit differently myself. Not fight going into an easier place to live, get my stuff in order, keep moving, make H keep moving, etc.
I have done one thing:
I have one kid who has struggled getting herself together. I made it a point to tell her that I am very proud of her. That, yeah, I wish she had made some different choices but that it has nothing to do with how much I love her, how proud of her I am, what an awesome and talented and compassionate person she is. I really needed to tell her that. If I died and she thought for a minute I was disappointed in her it would break my heart.
Gosh, we are all just so lucky to be here to even be able to discuss this.
My H is a fitness fanatic and in excellent physical shape. Alzheimer’s seems to run in his family (grandmother, aunt and mother) and I am secretly scared that he will develop it but will live for years and years because his physical condition is so good.
I had a similar worry about my Dad. He had run marathons back in the day, but later needed a pacemaker and a defibulator. I worried that those devices would keep him alive in some unnatural way but that didn’t happen.
I’ve had to come to terms with the thought of dying over the past few years. I was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2007 with two recurrences since then. I also have an 89 year old mother who hates being old. I know it seems cliche, but I truly try to live my life one day at a time. That’s all we have. I do try to eat well and exercise and keep my fingers crossed. Life can change in an instant. Worrying doesn’t add one hour to your life. In fact, it robs you of the time you have now.
Even if you have a DNR and a living will, it doesn’t help if your loved one isn’t being kept alive by anything but is still suffering with no hope of ever getting better. Zooserman my sister and I made a similar promise, but I said I couldn’t do the pillow thing, so we’re going to use pills and champagne…Go out like Marilyn.
My dad has been worried that his death is imminent for the past 30 years! What a waste to spend any time on morbid thoughts. I don’t think about this at all. I am thankful that I am healthy and I still feel young. There is no point in worrying. What will be, will be.
There is no point in worrying. There is plenty of point in preparing.
As I mentioned earlier, my (divorced) parents each died suddenly.
When my mother died, her financial paperwork was in utter chaos. And she had never talked to anyone in the family about her finances or her record-keeping. My sister and I had to tear her house apart looking for documents. Even finding her will was a challenge (and frankly, we do not truly know whether the will that we executed was her most recent one – it was simply the most recent one we could find). Also, her tax situation was a disaster. She had blatantly cheated on her taxes for the last two years before her death, presumably betting that she would not be caught in her lifetime. She would have won that bet, but she left her executors (my sister and me) with a legal mess to clean up.
My father, on the other hand, had his finances in impeccable order, and every year, he and I sat down at his desk and he showed me where everything was kept (including the obituary he wrote himself because he had struggled in the past to write accurate obituaries for other family members and knew what a challenge it was). I knew where to find every important document. When he died, only one document was missing – the title to his car – and I believe that was because he had removed it from its usual file because he was actively shopping for a new car at the time. We never found the title, so I had to wade through some bureaucracy to get a replacement, but other than that, everything was extremely well organized.
If it turns out that there’s an afterlife, I’m going to be having very different conversations with each of my parents.
The importance of doing this can’t be overstated. For the issues you’re talking about, @VaBluebird , be sure you have an Advanced Health Care Directive (or whatever it’s called in your state), giving a loved one the authority to make medical decisions for you. And make sure that person knows where the papers are, and make sure they know your wishes.
No, you’re definitely not the only one. Hugs.
Live your life well today. Find the right ‘best’ sort of relationships with your kids- not just in terms of family, but for their own independence and emotional health. I want my kids to be happy we were a unit. At the moment I go, I want them to remember the love, the good influences, the experiences, and exalt in that.
I think fear about death comes from not knowing and hearing frightful tales. And having regrets. You can work on fixing those regrets, whether it’s in your life or your relationships. I get inspiration from old folks who lived their lives well, whatever that means to them.
Unfortunately, you can’t assume much about today’s good health. None of us can predict. So really, make the todays as good as you can.
Well, I hate to throw cold water on the party, but we’re talking about apples and oranges.
I think OP is talking about the fear of being incapacitated, unable to take care of oneself, perhaps in pain or having difficulty with normal functions – e.g., breathing or swallowing.
But now we’re talking about getting papers in order and making peace with one’s family. All very worthwhile, but, frankly, a different topic.
Just as old age isn’t for sissies, neither is the act of dying.
My mother-in-law is 84, and when I first met her she could run circles around me. She was one of the most energetic, active people I ever met.
Today she sits in a skilled care facility, rendered almost quadriplegic by Parkinsonism.
It is one of the most heart-breaking things I have ever seen.
There was no preparation, no acceptance, no plan, no nothing - even though it took a couple years to get really bad. It has all fallen on my husband and sister, neither one of whom is retired with time on their hands.
I desperately do not want to do this to my kids. I can’t control what malady strikes me (dementia in my family - awful too) but I can control what I do to cope with it. Trying to prepare as best we can . . . estate plan, health care surrogate, POA, etc.
I can speak to a variety of your concerns: only child with much older parents. I have a myriad of diseases that reared their ugly head after my parents died. One didn’t…a disease that is…I had no relatives to go to.
Sounds liike your worst nightmare? Life is full of stuff. I really advise you to speak to professionals. You can, and should have a backup. Back up plan or plans. The more prepared you are for life’s challenges generally the less you need them.
Have a great day today.
Agree with SFMom, we do what we can to prepare for what we can. The start of this thread was fear; knowing things are in order (not just finances and POAs, but paring down all the crap we live with, the things we need to say or do, etc,) can make us feel better, overall.
But one extra thing may be to choose wisely where you live, the medical attitudes, your docs, hospitals, the nature of palliative and hospice where you are. Not all areas are equally bad or good.
@bevhills: Are you suggesting that one should be prepared to take things into one’s own hands?
@greenwitch I was blessed with parents who did take matters into their own hands. They both went through the experience of placing their parents in nursing homes and knew what could happen. They moved into a continuing care retirement community while still in their 70s. During my father’s final days he was able to go to the “health care” wing at no extra cost and my mom could see him anytime she wanted. She moved there herself, by choice, after her first real health scare last summer. They were willing to face facts and make hard choices and I thank God for it every day.
We don’t know what that would be like until (and unless) we get there.
Some years back, I broke my leg very badly and then injured my wrist during physical therapy, which meant that I could not use crutches or a walker for weeks and had to rely on a wheelchair to get around. I also needed help with a lot of things because I could not drive and could not go up or down stairs. I was embarrassed that I had to ask my family for help with certain things (like doing my laundry), but in general, I was surprised to discover that the whole situation really wasn’t that bad. If I was told that it would be permanent, I wouldn’t have been horrified. With a few modifications to my environment and lifestyle (like moving the washer and dryer to the main floor of my house), I could have coped just fine.
But there are people who look at a person who is using a wheelchair and say “I could never live like that.” I say that you don’t know whether you could live like that until you’ve tried it.
Of course, the disability I’m talking about is a relatively minor one. Some people have much more severe problems. But until we’ve faced those situations, how do we know if they’re intolerable?
Oddly, I’m not afraid at all. Not of dying or of what comes just prior. I hope it is gentle, but I don’t waste time with worry on it. At this point, I have my own parents to look after in this regard. So if I witness something awful toward the end, fear may creep in? We don’t know until it happens.