I hate the whole “old” thing and I am scared of it. I am really scared to think of facing all the stuff that can happen in the last years. I’m terrified of my husband dying. I hate this! I want these years to truly be golden, not full of dread and worry. Am I the only one? I do NOT want to be a bother to or a burden on my sons!
You are without a doubt in good company.
I never used to think about it, until I had to begin looking after my mother, who was in an early stage of dementia, when my father died unexpectedly. They had retired in Florida; I had to bring Mom home to CT.
Mom passed away last year after 5 years of dreadful deterioration, and now I’m in horror of developing dementia myself someday, and my daughter having to deal with it as I did.
No you’re not the only one. I have been almost consumed by this for the past few weeks and have been looking for self-help books on ageing and dying and what to expect. Found nothing that speaks to me. It is not something I want to speak to anyone irl about either. I feel like I am in the departure lounge without an exciting trip being the reason…just dread.
@CTmom2018, I’m sorry. : (
I try not to think about the last year of my father’s life. My mother died of cancer, much younger, but knew what she was facing and could see the downward trajectory. Not that that’s any better… But he had the addition of not being able to communicate well and being pushed into a nursing home. How much better to be able to take things into your own hands while you still can.
Has anyone read any of the books by Thomas Debaggio? I haven’t, but I used to visit the family herb farm regularly and would see them there (and hope I’d never need to read them). He had Alzheimer’s.
((VaBluebird)) I wish I had something more consoling to say, but the fact is that we women tend to outlive our spouses. Mine is 10 years older than me, so there is also that.
Plus, we had our daughter late, and we only have her, so she will have to cope with aging /dying parents sooner than most of her peers will. I only hope she is married by then and doesn’t have to do it alone.
Just went through palliative care of my
mom in hospice. We are kinder to our pets at the end of life than we are to people.
Just erased a much too long post. As a physician I know too much and it can become easy to be afraid. To cope I ignore the dire possibilities. Mom died suddenly of a heart attack at 53. Have seen so many people- patients, relatives and others become old, disabled and die many different ways.
It is best to not dwell on the possibilities. Think of that in the distant future, not soon. H and I have had discussions about who might die first et al. He had an ankle injury and I talked about how if it he needed a wheelchair I could literally push him around. We got our finances and other such stuff organized. I’m trying to improve his meager cooking skills and have learned how to do the financial stuff I hate. Learning how to cope without a spouse. Then- put it out of mind.
It’s our stage in life. More past than future. Learning curve in dealing with it. It helps to talk with other in our age group- like here. It’s really late and I’m starting to write too much. Think about how scared you were when you were a new parent- you survived, kids did too. You will adjust to this new stage in life- figure out how to deal with it.
Yes, it does frighten me and I do think of it somewhat regularly, but don’t try to dwell too much…I push it out of my mind as best as I can. I’m 56 and feel that I’m still sort of young-old. But things bring it to the surface. After spending 5 months alone all day when I was laid off, it made me wonder if this is what it’s like as a widow with grown kids. It was very lonely.
I have an acquaintance who found out her 57 year old Hubby has cancer and given less than a year to live. I can’t even imagine and that stopped me in my tracks. How would I help my DH grieve his untimely death, and go on myself…we’ve worked so hard and he would like to retire. I would be so angry on his behalf.
One son seems to rely on us for support and guidance…he is still young of course. But the thought of him having to spend 3 decades without us being there is upsetting. Will he be okay? Who will he turn to?
Well, I guess I do get ahead of myself. Plus…yes, after seeing my Dad die within a month of diagnosis and being there in hospice, seeing how you die, it’s really scary. I just hope it’s not painful…don’t we all?
This.
My father was healthy and with the program until he has a heart attack at age 89 and died 48 hours later. That’s my plan too. I’m trying to be as healthy as I can be so I don’t deteriorate over the years but die like my father did – quickly.
What scares me is that I don’t really have that much time left. I’m 67 now, and amazed to think that 20 or 25 years is all I have left.
http://theconversationproject.org
Check out the Conversation Project. Founded by Ellen Goodman…discusses those conversations, and things you need to think about…in a very good way.
It is not always horrible.
Both of my parents died suddenly while they were still completely independent (living separately – they had been divorced decades earlier). They both had health problems, but they were the sort of health problems that involve lots of doctor visits and prescriptions and mild compromises in lifestyle (my father had a lot of dietary restrictions; my mother couldn’t drive at night). They were not the sort of health problems that involve being housebound and needing the help of aides or living in a nursing home.
We should all be as lucky as my parents were, but some of us won’t be. Some of us will develop health problems and disabilities severe enough so that we will become isolated and lonely, and some of us will reach a stage where we feel that we are a burden to others because we actually are. And some of us will face a truly miserable illness of one sort or another.
I’m a big fan of the continuing care retirement community concept, but I can’t get my husband to think about such possibilities yet. He’s 63, and I’m almost 61, but he can’t process the concept that we’re well on the way to being old. That may be changing, though. Our son turns 30 this week, and my husband has been thinking a lot about the fact that he’s old enough to be the parent of a 30-year-old (a rather startling concept when you think of yourself as being not much more than 30 yourself). So maybe I will make some progress soon.
In the meantime, we do need to think about becoming knowledgeable about each other’s responsibilities. Fortunately, it no longer matters that I was the one who always handled everything having to do with our children’s education – those responsibilities are over. But my husband has always handled the family finances (with consummate skill), and I’ve been sloppy about keeping up with what’s going on in that area. And I’ve always dealt with everything having to do with food – so much so that when I broke my leg a few years back, I resorted to a grocery delivery service rather than sending him to the supermarket because he could never find the things we needed. He doesn’t shop and doesn’t cook and won’t eat a vegetable unless I shove it in front of him. If I’m not home to prepare dinner, he eats cookies. We need to address that.
My parents both died suddenly, like no illness, no hospital, just boom. Best is to have your papers in one spot, organized and leave rest to fate. What does fear and anxiety get you? Nothing we can do.
It’s terrifying. My mom had a stroke on New Years Day, and is unable to walk or talk. People keep telling me stories of their parents living like this for months and years. I know she’s miserable, and my poor dad is heartbroken and isn’t coping. And sadly we, their five children are arguing more than helping each other and them. Like everyone I’d hate to be a burden but I also don’t want to be one of the ladies I saw in the rehab, totally zonked out in wheelchairs sitting by the nurses station in the rehab because they couldn’t be left in their rooms. There’s got to be a better way to make the end of life more dignified.
My mother always cautioned us not to waste time by worrying about what “might” be. We try to plan for the things we can and do our best when the unexpected occurs.
I think it helps to take action: make sure papers are in order and easily accessible, investigate longterm healthcare insurance if you think you may need it, be proactive with your health and fitness, then realize you’ve done all that you can possibly do. When your mind drifts to one your fears, try to replace it with the thought of steps you’ve taken to prepare for whatever that thing is. You can’t control the future, but you can control how you plan for and react to it.
My dad was several years older than my mom, so it was no surprise that he passed away first. He was in his 80’s, so they’d been together a long time. My mother handled it very well. She took care of her own affairs until she died (also in her mid-80’s). My husband is older than I am and I will be devastated if he dies first, but I know my reaction will set an example for my own children. I hope to model the strength I witnessed in my mother.
Neither of my parents needed long term care. My mom died from congestive heart failure at 79 after a few weeks in the hospital. My father lived on his own until his death at 95. He apparently was doing yard work and we found him dead in the yard that night. When I told my doctor that my father was out dead in the yard all day which I thought was horrible, he said “we should all be so lucky!” I do have a number of uncles who were in nursing homes for years from Parkinsons.
Worry and dread do no one any good, but for the love of your family, you really owe it to them to be grown up enough to plan for it. Document your finances and make sure at least a couple of family members know where to find those documents. Set up your wills, trusts, POA. Let people know your end of life wishes.
If you have things in your house that would be upsetting for your family to find, get rid of them now! Today! OK, you may wait until the next trash pickup day, but no later!! Is that what you want your family to be talking about at your wake?
Once your kids are settled, either move near them or find a CCRC in your own area, and let them know that’s where you are planning to move. Then take steps to move there. Don’t interrupt their lives at the peak of their careers and make them come rescue you.
Going through this with in-laws. MIL never talked about her disease during her 18 months of treatment or 15 months of hospice. FIL will enter hospice today, and mostly makes no sense but is clear and consistent in his expectation of a full recovery. Capacity for denial is unlimited, selfish, and unfair to the rest of us.
Very, very wise.
From my observations as a nurse, the best advice I can give anyone as they age is to KEEP MOVING. The most important factor in vitality and good health as one ages is fitness level.
The patients I have who didn’t exercise or do physically active activities such as gardening or dancing have many more problems-lack of mobility, chronic pain, chronic disease with accompanying numerous medications (many of which interact with each other to bad result), excessive amounts of procedures/surgeries/treatments, and more problems with mental status changes. They don’t have the pep in their step that the older folks who have always been physically active do. And not surprisingly, they don’t seem nearly as happy.
Of course, there are illnesses or conditions which strike people over which they have or had little to no control. Those are not the people I’m talking about. But to the extent we do have control over our destiny, staying physically active is one of the most important things one can do.