I really really need some advice

Parent Cafe
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<p>I am not a parent, but I need some advice on dealing with my parents and I think that I really need some parental perspective. I hope that it is all right for me to post here. This is not going to be a whiny post about how my parents won’t let me do something. I seriously need some advice because I do not know how I can get through to my parents about the seriousness of what is going on here without having them overreact.</p>

<p>I am about to graduate from college in a month. I have had a really rough senior year, and this past semester has been especially tough. I went through a really emotionally devastating break up, am having a lot of the usual angst about graduating from college and finding a purpose for my life, and have had to contend with writing my senior thesis. All this sounds like typical stuff, but it has had a really bad effect on me. I am pretty sure that I have been clinically depressed for at least the past six months. I am sad all the time. I literally cannot remember the last time that I was happy. I am tired all the time and sleep a lot during the day but then sleep restlessly at night.</p>

<p>I know intellectually that at some point my life will get better, but I don’t care. I just don’t see a purpose to living any more. I go to sleep every night hoping that I will die in my sleep. I think that I’m a petty self-aware person, and I do have perspective on my situation but it doesn’t make things any better. I know that it’s ridiculous that I am feeling this way, considering the fact that my life is pretty good… I have great friends/family and a lot of options for my future. But none of that matters. I think about suicide all the time, even though I will never do it because of how it would devastate my friends and family. I know that I need anti-depressants.</p>

<p>Here comes the issue. I have told my parents maybe a quarter of this. They know that I am depressed. I had to downplay it because they are both INSANE worriers and I knew that they would start treating me differently, bothering me constantly, etc. I just want everyone to act normally towards me. I have not told them about the thinking about suicide, but I have told them that I think that I am clinically depressed and told them I wanted to see a psychiatrist and get medication. </p>

<p>My mom is completely against this. She doesn’t want it “to go on my record” that I have mental health problems. She also claims that anti-depressants make people suicidal and says that if I “can’t cope with life”, I should move back home after I graduate. Her suggestions have been to get more exercise and eat bananas. Seriously. I cannot move back home after I graduate. All of my friends have left the area and I would just become more depressed and isolated. So I downplayed it. I am still on my parents’ insurance, so she will see if I go. I don’t know what to do. She is so against the idea unless I move back home, and that is just not an option.</p>

<p>How can I communicate to her that I need some serious help here that eating bananas will not fix without having her overreact and claim that I am unable to take care of myself?</p>

<p>Sorry, this is really long, but I just really need some advice.</p>

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<p>PinkyLee–You are right that stress and life changes can trigger deprssion. You don’t need to start with a psychiatrist. Your regular doctor can help you begin to sort things out, although she may decide to call in a psychiatrist for a consultation. My internist was actually the doctor who was most helpful in identifying the most helpful medication for my depression and has been far more conscientious in montioring for potential physical side effects (I have some serious physical health issues) than the psychiatrist that I initially saw for help with my own chronic depression. Do you think that the student health center can help you?</p>

<p>Take a deep breath and relax. And make a few calls in the morning. You will work this out, and things will be OK.</p>

<p>SnS</p>

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<p>Pinkylee, Please go see a doctor, any doctor, I am sure they have some sort of counseling at your school. I know you don’t want you mom to know that you are seeing someone to get some help, but you are an adult and if you choose to see someone that is your decision not your moms. And she will get over it. When someone gets as low as you are you really need to get some help. If your mom knew just how you are feeling I am sure she would encourage to to seek help. I understand that being an adult you want to keep your mom at a little distance, but that also puts you responsible for seeking out your own help. Please understand that you are not alone and millions of people have sought out help for depression. As sewnsew said above, make a few calls in the morning. And let us know how you are doing. I’ll be checking back to see if you have written more.</p>

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<p>Pinkylee, go to the University Health services first thing in the morning. Tell them what you have been thinking. They are used to helping students with this. Privacy laws prevent them from speaking to your parents about anything. In fact, they can not confirm that you were there, or that you entered the hospital, if needed. Go get the help you need and don’t worry about what to tell your parents. They will eventually begin to understand depression, but in the meantime you’ll be getting treatment and feeling better.</p>

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<p>Yeah, I don’t want to freak anyone out, this isn’t a crisis situation. It’s been going on for months, and there’s not really any immediate danger. I appreciate the concern though. I tried the university health services, and went to a few counselling sessions, but they were kind of useless. The therapist I talked to meant well but idk, it just didn’t really do anything for me. She is the one who told me that I should definitely try some medication though. Thanks for the advice about going to a regular doctor, I think this is what I may do.</p>

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<p>pinkylee, do see a doctor immediately, but to be quite honest, your mom is also kinda of right. If you are not exercising much right now, get out and do it. Research indicates that mild exercise can be extremely helpful to clinical depression. Walking, biking, swimming are all good ways to do it. I know it it tough to fit into a busy schedule, but it can be extremely helpful. And it never hurts to eat more bananas.</p>

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<p>^^^But you also need to see a doctor and probably need to get some medication.</p>

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<p>Please look for another counselor. Counselors have different personalities so you may need to see several before you find one you can really connect with, but it’s worth it. Depression is insidious. It sucks the life out of you, and usually a combination of medication and counseling is needed to fight it.</p>

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<p>Hi there, I’m not a parent either, rather also a student about to graduate the same time as you and facing some similar issues (virtually all close friends/support network moving away, and a long and complicated relationship ending). </p>

<p>Please filter whatever I have to say through your own understanding of your issues, what I have to say may not be as applicable to you as it was to me. I may give advice that is against what others have told you, take it only for it’s worth.</p>

<p>Your college counseling service is a good place to go, I never used mine, but I did speak to friends that did. The problem with them was that they did not get much out of it. It would take weeks or months to get a non-emergency appointment, and the staff are so overworked they simply cannot give adequate attention to their patients for things like depression which required time and sustained effort on their behalf. Some people I knew abused the overworked system and obtained medication (mainly for ADHD) after a single consultation, but their aim was to walk out of the office with the pills, and they succeeded.</p>

<p>The first thing to consider is your relationship with your parents and talking to them about your issues at length. Obviously they will see what you tell them through their own lens, their own job stresses and normative ideas about your life. However, parents are possibly the single most reliable and caring resource you can have, so it is worthwhile being truthful to them and obtaining their full support. Go talk to them in person if need be.</p>

<p>In terms of seeing a psychiatrist and potentially going on medication, I have only this advice to give. Since your issue not a broken leg but more of a broken spirit there isn’t complete consensus on how to treat these things. You will get vastly different advice and treatment (pharmacological or not) depending on the clinician, their background, their training, and their philosophy. If you seek a doctor make sure that their approach is compatible with your expectations, and don’t be afraid to look for someone else if it’s not. As a personal anecdote, when I was at my lowest I happened to hear about a guest lecture being held at my university by a professor who has very non-traditional views on antidepressants (1) and he presented some alarming research.</p>

<p>Medication may work for you, I am not a doctor so I can not say. What I can say is that pretty much no one but yourself can provide the continuous 24/7 support that you may need. You should ask for help, but you must also try to pull yourself out of this situation. Eat better. Do some physical activity. Read a book. (I’m quite serious about this one - I went out and bought a bunch of texts on philosophy, sociology, evolutionary biology to try to find out what the academic view is on the meaning of life, it was sorely needed intellectual stimulation.) These things sound cliche but they are enormously helpful. Lack of sleep can also cause really terrible moods and depressive behavior. Edit: One other thing, do not isolate yourself. Spend time with friends and people you like, you may not be in the mood to ‘hang out’ but you may find it to lift your spirits a lot, even if temporarily. Try to change things one step at a time. You may find that insurmountable obstacles cease to be so once you take a few steps.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you.</p>

<p>References:</p>

<p>(1) [Irving</a> Kirsch, P.h.D: Antidepressants: The Emperor’s New Drugs?](<a href=“HuffPost - Breaking News, U.S. and World News | HuffPost”>Antidepressants: The Emperor's New Drugs? | HuffPost Life)</p>

<p>(Brief overview of his book. I have not read the book, but I plan to in the near future.)</p>

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<p>As has been said, call a doctor in the morning and go. That’s the first step. Also, for now, filter out your mother. There is no reason to keep her up to date. Just take care of yourself. That’s your job, take care of you.</p>

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<p>If I had a parent who reacted as your mom does to any mention of taking care of yourself for possible depression, I’d honestly come up with a temporary cover story for a while, so that she does not interfere with your resolve to go see a medical doctor. </p>

<p>I’d tell her you’re going to the doctor to diagnose some “fatigue” you’ve been experiencing. Truthfully, for all you know right now, you might have any one of a number of medical needs. Maybe it’s hypothyroidism, anemia, vitamin deficiency, mono…(that’s the list to tell Mom, not depression). </p>

<p>Tell her that whatever the doctor diagnoses and advises in the coming week, you will be following that doctor’s advice (lab tests, medicine, diet, exercise). Tell her, and yourself, that you are taking responsibility for your own health now, as is appropriate for someone about to graduate college. </p>

<p>If she’s prescribing bananas, there’s nothing wrong with that, per se, it’s just not enough. She is doing it because it’s what she knows has a few vitamins in it. She’s absolutely wrong about everything she’s saying about “having mental illness on your record…” for taking antidepressants under a doctor’s care. For goodness sake. </p>

<p>Use the word “fatigue” every time you really mean “depression” when talking with Mom. I say that because she is so hostile to the possibility of your having even mild depression, and you don’t need an obstacle to getting help for yourself right now. </p>

<p>When you’re feeling stronger (and someday, you will) perhaps you’ll decide to educate her, but for the moment just take care of you. </p>

<p>Tell the doctor all your symptoms, and let him/her diagnose. If antidepressants are prescribed, begin the same day, as it can take a couple of weeks to begin to feel a difference in mood. Ask the doc how long it will take before you notice any change, so you have a realistic expectation.</p>

<p>;) Pugmadkate and I just crossposted. She said everything I meant, but she said it in 6 sentences rather than 6 paragraphs.</p>

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<p>pinkylee- what you are going thru is not all that unusual but that doesn’t make it any less devestating. The fact that you are articulating that you have thought about suicide means you need help immediately, which you seem to recognize. I know a lot of meds are over-used, but there are studies too numerous to count that show that depression is often due to chemical changes in the brain and can be alleviated with meds. You need to talk to your doctor- if you went to your regular GP, your parents might see it on the insurance but they wouldn’t know what it was for. With our insurance, I would never even know if my kids went to the Dr. Your GP can steer you in the right direction; either counseling or meds or both. Just don’t put it off. You have been feeling like this long enough that it is not going to go away on it’s own. As far as it “going on your record”, we are not in the dark ages any more. Depression is a recognized chemical condition that can be corrected. No employer would ever know about it and it should not negatively impact your future opportunities in any way. Let us know what happens-we care!</p>