<p>I have 2 essays due tomorrow, one for Boston U and one for John Hopkins. Any assitance on the essays context and grammer is apreciated</p>
<p>(sorry, i forgot to post the essay)
Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn’t you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)</p>
<p>A long brightly lit hallway greeted me as I walked out of the changing room. I could feel a breeze creep up my gown as my mother and I walked down the hallway. Everything is going to be okay my mother assured me. Her soothing voice helped rid me of my of the anxiety from such thinly cloth gown, but it returned when we reached the end of the hallway. I was greeted by a group of people dressed in blue surgical garbs and a sole hospital bed that accommodates my size. I was scared beyond my mind, I wanted to run out of there with all my might, but remembering what my mother told me earlier stopped me. I reluctantly followed their instructions and planted myself squarely on the bed. Out of nowhere, a giant figure wearing a polka dot garb approached me with a giant syringe. Relax, this will only hurt a bit said the giant figure as it plunged the syringe into my left arm. I winced at the pain, but soon there was no pain at all. My mind echoed my mothers words, Everything is going to be okay, as I was pulled in unconsciousness. When I came to, I was greeted by my mothers face. How are you doing, Andrew? she asked me. I was about to answer her when I received a jolt of pain. I was thrashing around in the bed covers, screaming for anybody to make it stop. Then I saw it, my entire left calf was wrapped in bandages. Then I knew that everything is actually not okay.</p>
<p>Juvenile dermatomyositis is a rare autoimmune disease that only affects 300 children every year, and I happen to become one of the lucky 300. It started with my deteriorating strength, first I was unable to carry my backpack, and then I wasnt even able to carry myself. My parents had to carry me to school every single day, because I lack the strength to travel long distances. Then came the rash, it started at the eye and instantly, my parents knew something was wrong. I was taken to many different doctors, most of them disregarding the rash as an allergic reaction. However, my parents knew it was more than an allergy, and pushed the doctors to conduct numerous blood tests and checkups. I knew it was something serious once I undertook an EMG, an EKG, and a biopsy. Only then did the doctors conclude that I have juvenile dermatomyositis.
Eight years later, the pain from the biopsy still runs in my left leg, the scar ever so present. I couldnt stand anybody else suffer the same pain that I had to go through physically, mentally, and financially. That is when I resolved myself to find a more simplistic way to diagnose this disease rather than to employ a similar process that I had to go through. Hearing about John Hopkinss position in the world of biomedical studies, I knew I had to apply for it, to prevent another child to endure what Ive gone through.</p>
<p>also, my NYU supplement are ready for PM, if anybody wants to take a look at them, just PM me</p>
<p>A long(insert comma) brightly lit hallway greeted me as I walked out of the changing room. I could feel a breeze creep up my gown as my mother and I walked down the hallway. “Everything is going to be okay(insert comma here)” my mother assured me. Her soothing voice helped rid me (of the anxiety from such thin cloth gown)((I’m not sure what you’re trying to say here, is the revealing gown causing you anxiety, or is it something else?)), but it returned when we reached the end of the hallway. I was greeted by a group of people dressed in blue surgical (garb) and a sole hospital bed that accommodates my size((this phrase is a little confusing, ‘sole’ seems a very innappropriate word)). I was scared beyond my mind(and wanted to run out of there with all my might, but remembering my mother’s words stopped me.) I reluctantly followed their instructions and planted myself squarely on the bed. Out of nowhere, a giant figure wearing a polka dot garb((‘garb’ sounds strange here, use a more specific word)) approached me with a giant syringe. “Relax, this will only hurt a bit” said the giant figure as it plunged the syringe into my left arm. I winced at the pain, but soon there was no pain at all. My mind echoed my mother’s words, “Everything is going to be okay”, as I was pulled in unconsciousness. When I came to, I was greeted by my mother’s face. “How are you doing, Andrew?” she asked me. I was about to answer her when I received a jolt of pain((describe what you felt here, burning? stabbing? where?)). I was thrashing around in the bed covers, screaming for anybody to make it stop. Then I saw it, my entire left calf was wrapped in bandages. Then I knew that everything is actually not okay.</p>
<p>Juvenile dermatomyositis is a rare autoimmune disease that only affects 300 children every year, and I happen to become one of the lucky 300. It started with my deteriorating (strength; first, I was unable to carry my backpack, and then I wasn’t even able to carry myself.) My parents had to carry me to school every single day, because I lack the strength to travel long distances. Then came the rash, it started at (my) eye and instantly, my parents knew something was wrong. I was taken to many different doctors, most of them disregarding the rash as an allergic reaction. However, my parents knew it was more than an allergy, and pushed the doctors to conduct numerous blood tests and checkups. I knew it was something serious once I undertook an EMG, an EKG, and a biopsy. Only then did the doctors conclude that I have juvenile dermatomyositis.
Eight years later, the pain from the biopsy still runs in my left leg, the scar ever so present. I couldn’t stand anybody else suffer the same pain that I had to go through physically, mentally, and financially. That is when I resolved myself to find a more simplistic way to diagnose this disease rather than to employ a similar process that I had to go through. Hearing about John Hopkins’s position in the world of biomedical studies, I knew I had to apply for it, to prevent another child to endure what I’ve gone through.</p>
<p>for a lack of better format, I posted some edits in (parentheses) and comments in ((double)). It’s a really good essay, with a good message. The only problem I see is that it’s very cold in the description, like you’re describing it from a 3rd person point of view instead of your own. I guess I can understand that though, if this is still a painful subject then you probably want to distance yourself from the memory. Yu come off sounding very strong, sincere, and confident, and there are very few grammar errors. good essay :)</p>
<p><em>phew</em> what a relief
thank you, i was really nervous about the context and stuff, finally i couldget some sleep</p>
<p>well here’s a slightly revised version for ya, NYU supplements would be up soon</p>
<p>A long, brightly lit hallway greeted me as I walked out of the changing room. I could feel a breeze creep up my gown as my mother and I walked down the hallway. “Everything is going to be okay,” my mother assured me. Her soothing voice helped rid me of the anxiety from wearing such a thin cloth gown, but it returned when we reached the end of the hallway. I was greeted by a group of people dressed in blue surgical garb and coincidentally a hospital bed that accommodates my size. I was scared beyond my mind and wanted to run out of there with all my might, but remembering my mother’s words stopped me. I reluctantly followed their instructions and planted myself squarely on the bed. Out of nowhere, a giant figure wearing polka dot scrubs approached me with a giant syringe. “Relax, this will only hurt a bit” said the giant figure as it plunged the syringe into my left arm. I winced at the pain, but soon there was no pain at all. My mind echoed my mother’s words, “Everything is going to be okay”, as I was pulled in unconsciousness. When I came to, I was greeted by my mother’s face. “How are you doing, Andrew?” she asked me. I was about to answer her when I received a jolt of pain, it was as if somebody was ripping apart my very leg. I was thrashing around in the bed covers, screaming for anybody to make it stop. Then I saw it, my entire left calf was wrapped in bandages. Then I knew that everything is definitely not okay.</p>
<p>Juvenile dermatomyositis is a rare autoimmune disease that only affects 300 children every year, and I happen to become one of the lucky 300. It started with my deteriorating strength; first, I was unable to carry my backpack, and then I wasn’t even able to carry myself. My parents had to carry me to school every single day, because I lack the strength to travel long distances. Then came the rash, it started at my eye and instantly, my parents knew something was wrong. I was taken to many different doctors, most of them disregarding the rash as an allergic reaction. However, my parents knew it was more than an allergy, and pushed the doctors to conduct numerous blood tests and checkups. I knew it was something serious once I undertook an EMG, an EKG, and a biopsy. Only then did the doctors conclude that I have juvenile dermatomyositis.
Eight years later, the pain from the biopsy still runs in my left leg, the scar ever so present. I couldn’t stand anybody else suffer the same pain that I had to go through physically, mentally, and financially. That is when I resolved myself to find a more simplistic way to diagnose this disease rather than to employ a similar process that I had to go through. Hearing about John Hopkins’s position in the world of biomedical studies, I knew I had to apply for it, to prevent another child to endure what I’ve gone through.</p>
<p>here’s the NYU supplement, damn i’m tired as hell</p>
<p>•In the year 2050, a movie is being made of your life. Please tell us the name of your movie and briefly summarize the story line. </p>
<p>Behind the Mask
Discover the inside life and the making of a world renowned surgeon. Learn about his past, living in the slums of Brooklyn and his quest for knowledge. Follow his days in the military, serving as a corpsman and saving the lives of wounded soldiers. Finally, explore his time as a medical surgeon, saving countless lives while spending his spare time writing scripts for video game companies. It is the story of a man who was able to accomplish all of his dreams.</p>
<p>•Please tell us what led you to select your anticipated academic program and/or NYU school/college, and what interests you most about your intended discipline.</p>
<p>When I was young, I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease, Juvenile Dermatomyositis, and throughout my childhood have been filled with nothing but pain and hardships. I couldn’t stand anybody else suffering the same way I did physically and mentally. I vow to prevent such suffering from happening to anybody else. I see the answer of fulfilling my vow in the study of biology, the ability to understand life and sustain its health.</p>
<p>Fyi, boston has delayed their deadline till Jan 4.</p>
<p>Is English your native language? You’ve got some verb tense issues in there.</p>
<p>Should be: “A hospital bed that ACCOMMODATED…”
“Then I knew everything WAS not actually not okay”
“I couldn’t stand FOR anybody else TO suffer the same pain.”
“to prevent another child ENDURING what I had to go through.”
“Only then did the doctors conclude that I HAD juvenile…”</p>
<p>You don’t “undertake” an EKG or an EMG. “Had undergone” would be better.</p>
<p>On your NYU essay. It’s “hardship” not “hardships.”
“I couldn’t stand TO SEE anybody…”
“I VOWED to prevent…”
“I see the answer TO fulfilling…”</p>
<p>yea, english isn’t a walk in the park for me, that’s why i’m here
Thanks fr the revisions, it’s deeply appreciated</p>