I almost wrote about this last year and pledged to myself to write about this now as folks are beginning to shop.
I come from a big family…one of 5 siblings and then all of the human add-ons that come along with big families. None of us like picking one name and buying one gift that’s popular in many families so we all kept buying gifts for everyone…it’s been fun. About 5 years ago, though, we kind of came to a consensus that the adults already have everything they need so everyone should concentrate on buying only for the offspring. So then there were several years where the kids were drowning in gifts…they would open one…enjoy it for 3 or 4 minutes…and then another one would be pushed into their hands…meanwhile, some of my siblings (and their spouses) were literally not opening a single gift the entire day.
So two years ago, without telling anyone (it’s a madhouse of a day), I stopped buying gifts for the kids and turned back to my siblings and their partners. I brought a cashmere scarf for a brother-in-law who says he doesn’t want anything (and everyone took him at his word)…cozy slippers for my sister…a much-loved book for my brother…and so forth. And its been remarkable…they have LOVED their gifts…they don’t have to be elaborate…it’s just having a gift in their lap with everyone watching them open it…and its been most loved by those who are the most vocal about “oh, don’t buy anything for me this year.”
My grown kids want the Secret Santa thing, this’ll be the 3rd year. But they set a price limit, they pick one big thing, and the fun is out.
I want to buy everyone (small family) a little something. Then I learned there’s no SS when it comes to D1’s bf’s family (much larger, 4 kids, new spouses, etc.)
This year, all of my immediate family and their SOs will get something. No children of any age are in the picture. And I’ll keep it on the buget that works.
That’s a great idea to remember the adults. There are a few stores that seem to be reasonably priced and have fun items. World Market is really cool and I can always find something interesting.
“kids drowning in gifts”… back in the day, my own children were very much over indulged, with several Christmas present opening extravaganzas each year. One for each set of grandparents, and others when aunts and uncles spending alternet years with in-laws arrived. And sometimes they just got worn out opening presents. Now they have their own children and have really tried to limit the number of toys coming into their homes, but without a whole lot of success. They will all be with me on Christmas, and this is my genius idea. I’m pulling out just some of the rubber maid containers from an attic full of toys my parents gave my kids; sterilizing them (for DIL’s comfort) and wrapping them up so the grandchildren have lots under the tree to unwrap. It will be a huge number of exciting fancy boxes for toddlers, filled with my own kids’ childhood favorites. And no one will feel obligated to take anything home, though of course, they can if they want. I think my kids will be silently horrified when they see the number of packages under the tree but laughing themselves silly Christmas morning. Good luck to me with this plan.
Each of the"big kids" will have a small gift to unwrap from us, and they gift each other. Mainly I’m concentrating on excellent food and drink for the big kids, since that’s what they appreciate most.
We stopped buying presents for siblings AND their children years ago and it was liberating! Now we just buy for our mom, and she gets everyone a little something. I’m not a huge fan of Christmas but this has helped take some of the stress out of it.
@suzy100 , I want to do that, too. The only “kids” we buy for are DH’s two nephews and a step nephew, who literally just came into the picture 2 years ago, BIL reciprocates by giving to our kids. These kids now range from 22 to 28 and I think it’s about time to end it. And all we do is exchange $50 gift cards. I think it’s ridiculous, but when I mention it, DH says then what’s the point if we don’t give a gift. (Getting together)…I know, I know. (He’s not religious, I know, I know). Ugh.
For decades H and I mailed 27 gifts to relatives who we saw once a year if that. Finally we agreed to stop.
Great decision! We have an older friend and older aunt we send a food gift to and that is all. Now we only buy
for the two grandkids and checks for the 4 adults. H and I do exchange but it is something wanted/needed.
SH, I think you did a very thoughtful thing!
We only get gifts for little kids…and right now…there are only four (great niece and nephews).
We make a donation to charity in honor of our families. I know…some folks don’t view that as a “gift” but our family is good with that. Fact is…we don’t need “stuff” and others benefit from our donations. Several others in the family do the same…so a variety of charities benefit.
We get gifts for our kids, and DH and me. But I seem to get the short end of this…so this year, I’m buying a few things I want and wrapping them up just so I have the same number of gifts to open. I will say…we have reduced the gift numbers in a huge way. Nothing wrong with that either.
@thumper1 , I should wrap gifts for myself too! My kids have yet to start giving anything to me and DH. DH and I only buy for each other if it moves us, and it seems it’s never the same year. I’d say most of the time we don’t. All through the year I buy whatever I want and never a peep from DH. He is generous like that.
But last year, I splurged on him because he really needed help with a wardrobe update. Business wise, he has tons of suits and ties and can pull himself together with his eyes closed in that respect.
But for weekends going out to bars/restaurants, meeting friends, very much lacking. So I really splurged.
My kids had all their stuff. And I was there with nothing.
My family stopped buying for siblings and their spouses years ago. A few years later I bowed out of buying for the adults in H’s family. It simply overwhelmed me. We were the only ones on H’s side who had moved so in addition to the shopping, I had to ship everything and deal with returns. We continued to buy for the nieces and nephews until they reached age 22. I did not even start with the great nephews/nieces ( there are 14 of them).
I know a lot of people were unhappy with me over this. I’m Scrooge or Grinch. But no one seemed to understand that buying for 2 dozen or so people I saw a few times a year was exhausting for me. It absolutely ruined my celebrating of Christmas.
As an adult I would be perfectly fine not getting any gifts. Really.
I was doing that at one time, also @fallgirl. It ruined the month for me, too. And the wrapping! Now I just an actual gift for a friend and my kids. I feel I have my month back! It took several decades of this, though.
Gift giving at christmas has me so confused. my heart and my head are not synced!
i have a single sister, and so does my DH. they buy gifts for our 4 kids every year. And it’s appreciated. SO – in turn, i buy them lots of gifts to make sure they know they are appreciated and we are thankful that they are generous to our kids.
It’s all nice and good ----- except i had a tizzy fit last year. — i rarely get beyond a trinket from them. last year it was wool socks. Yet - i spent personally a ton of time and money getting them the right gifts! I felt so left out of it all watching them open nice gifts, and it felt so unreciprocated . I kept thinking “i’m here too!” - see, my heart and head are not in sync.
+1 to all that outside the family gift buying ruining the month. I already don’t really love Christmas!
I’m going to have to go again with “you do you” here. If your family gets in a tizzy over it, then what really is in the spirit of the holiday even?!
Several years ago when my SIL posed to me the idea of eliminating the “you give us a $50 gift card, we’ll give you one” (seemed like this!) routine, I being one in the family to be able to present a new idea and have it be received well posed it to the rest of my side of the family. Everyone jumped on the bandwagon! Those of us who will gather (adults - meaning you have graduated from college/education) picks one name, genre of gift must be related to food, limit $25. It is SO entertaining to see what everyone gets - that’s one gift each to open and it has become part of the entertainment of Christmas day. Minimal “kids” left under college age - they will end up with maybe three gifts total on Christmas day.
All the gift giving and spending makes me a little ill. So. Much. Money!! I love buying for my kids but admit to dreading opening the credit card bills this month and next month.
Decades ago, both of our families agreed to limit gift-giving to each person’s immediate family. In our case, we buy presents for exactly one person–our son–and he’s easy. Hubby and I don’t exchange gifts as anything we need or want we buy as we need or want it, no wrapping necessary. Instead, we enjoy Christmas eve among family (usually an elaborate dinner at someone’s house and a Christmas movie after), and Christmas day is just the three of us and has been since our son was born.
I know, if everyone did this, the economy would collapse, so I’m not recommending it.
A few years ago, my cousin released me from giving to her 7 grandchildren. Some were getting into cooking. We thought it would be great to give them each a basket of their own utensils; rolling pin, measuring cup and spoons, spatula, towels, wood spoon, etc. I asked each mom for their child’s favorite color. I ordered aprons in the favorite color, got baskets in that color, and the accessories, plus some mixes and sprinkles. I spent 3 weekends, driving an hour to ikea, target, dollar stores, BB&B. The final baskets were $$$.
The responses, “Why did you get me blue?” Only the oldest said thx. Two boys got the newest LEGO Star War sets. Their dad told me, months later, that he put them in a closet for a rainy day.
Now, I buy for my cousin, who hosts this party, and my immediate family. Oh yes, the secret Santa at work, which is fun.
I love OP’s idea of focusing on the adults in her family. Every family is different, but her description of gift overload reminded me of how my D recounts Christmas at her in-laws. SIL’s older sister has the only 3 grandchildren in the family (for now) and his parents buy part of their Santa and their whole family emphasizes quantity over quality according to D. D & SIL were just at his parents’ house for Thanksgiving and they took their Christmas gifts to give last weekend. She was pleased that they could give to the niece & nephews at a time when they could appreciate what they had given them for more than the 1-2 minutes between receiving the gift and then moving on to opening the next one in the massive quantity of things they receive.
I will say this in regards to the OP’s idea and “twist”. I do think if you’re doing the gift thing with kids - it is good for them to also observe and watch how adults receive gifts - to see the joy on an adult’s face, or to observe the good nature kidding that goes with some gifts or the fact that siblings stay siblings in more ways than one - even as adults.
The kids in our family who aren’t old enough to participate in the adult Secret Santa - FULLY enjoy watching the adults do our thing with one gift. Of course, we’re also make it quite humorous with a special process we go through to figure out who your Secret Santa is.
We are doing the trading gift exchange; we all bring one wild and wacky present, and open or trade/steal from the other person. Lots of fun and such a relief! We used to do stocking presents for all, and big presents for all - and it was just exhausting!
I just started getting crabby about the company Christmas bonuses. I send hand written cards to each employee and give them a generous bonus. Only about 20% sent a thank you email. I told my vp I was thinking of just ordering pre printed cards and she was like oh so many mention to me how nice it is you do that. Yeah, well if the person doing it hears nothing then I think they don’t care.
As for gifts. I’m generally out of control. I’m scaling back this year. Hubby and I do exchange gifts. I’ve always thought it was important for the kids to see it wasn’t just about them.
Giving to just the adults would not lessen the load here. I have three siblings…two married. DH has five siblings…all married. That would be shopping for 15 adults…never mind that none of them lives close by. So…shipping too!
Our family is happy to give to the little tykes. And our immediate families.
