I think I'm an idiot, and I'm the only one.

College Life
1

I don’t even know where to begin. I am feeling very…overwhelmed. Clueless. Lost in the fray. You know that awful feeling when you’re sitting in a room and every single person around you knows what they’re doing and knows what’s going on, and you are so lost that you wonder if maybe you’re in there by mistake? That’s me, every single day so far in college. I’ve been here less than a month and I’m feeling discouraged beyond belief. I’m not even in a super elite college - I’m probably among the ‘best’ at my college, as my stats were above average when I was admitted and I’m one of the few students on a scholarship - and yet everyone around me seems to be far superior.

I guess I should explain. A lot of this post is going to be computer science- related but the general idea of it is “I am feeling very small, inferior, overwhelmed, and underqualified” so bear with me and all the CS-talk if you care to hear about my suffering. So I’m a computer science major who really doesn’t know anything about computer science. I thought I did - I took AP Comp Sci in high school and really loved learning Java, and I researched some of the fields of CS and was super fascinated by all of the directions I could go in - but now that I’m here, with all these other CS majors, I feel about ready to give up entirely. I don’t know anything about computers, and I thought I was here to LEARN that stuff, to learn about operating systems and programming languages, but nope. Everyone seems to already know all of it. Except me.

I keep going to these meetings for clubs - programming clubs, hackathon clubs, artificial intelligence club - and with every meeting I become more hopeless. I don’t know anything. Yet everyone sitting in those club meetings, all these other freshmen, are nodding along and looking totally confident.

In my programming class, which is supposed to be “for students with zero programming experience” my professor is throwing out these words like “shell” and “command line” and I don’t know what the hell they mean. She wants us to use Babun. I have no clue, NO clue, what that is. And I recently found out about an opportunity for freshman to assist in a bioinformatics research lab and I was like “Awesome! That’s exactly the field I’m interested in!” so when I went to find out more, I saw the heartbreaking line “students with experience with LINUX and Python preferred.” Um. What? I don’t know any of that.

When I try to go online for basic help (see my recent Google searches: “What is Python” “Python for beginners” “What is Babun” “What is Linux” “how to use Babun”) I just get more and more lost in all of the jargon and terminology. How the hell is anyone supposed to get to the bottom of this mass of information and START somewhere?

THE WORST PART BY FAR, is the serious pressure for us FRESHMEN to have professionally polished resumes and be ready-to-hire. What?? I’ve been in college for three weeks! I just learned how to work the laundry machines here! And now all these companies like Facebook and Google and Bank of America and a million others are coming to these career showcases/career fairs/etc. and people are telling us, freshmen, to “go! Submit your resumes! Try to get an internship!”

What resume?? Do all the other students here have impressive work experience and I’m the only one who doesn’t??? My work experience consists of managing the Facebook pages for a few local businesses back home. I was an officer in a couple of high school clubs. That’s it! That’s all I’ve done! What do they expect from us? What freshman has a resume worthy of showing to these places??

Please, please someone tell me the Big Secret that I’m not in on. Why am I the only student, out of hundreds and thousands in my major, who is actually a BEGINNER? How come I’m the only student who doesn’t feel qualified for an internship? And how do all these other CS freshmen KNOW all this stuff? Serious question. They learned it somewhere and I need to know where because apparently I have years worth of catching up to do :slight_smile:

And if anyone can relate to this feeling of utter insignificance and cluelessness, please do share… I feel so alone.

2

I know nothing about CS and I have no advice to give.

I just wanted to note that you’re a good writer with a strong voice and I see great success in your future. So at least you have that going for you.

3

I am sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed and inadequate, but know that you are not alone, you really are not. My first bit of advice. Follow your passion…seriously, you are a very good writer.

If you are determined to stay with CS you are going to have to start asking questions, to real people, not just googling it and hoping to learn in online on your own. Many of these kids are passionate about CS they spend their free time programing and hacking etc, it’s their thing so you may have a bigger learning curve. Keep going to the club meetings, watch over people’s shoulders and ask questions.

It takes a lot of dedication to become proficient at something that you just “like”, seriously consider if you want to spend the next 40 years working at a career that you are not passionate about. Take the time to talk with some English Professors and stop by your school’s career center, it’s OK to change your mind.

4

Actually I do have advice…my husband was an ME major at carnegie mellon. He loathed it…beyond loathe. But he went through all 4 years (he was there on a football scholarship so had to stay) but then got his masters in creative writing and life turned out well. :slight_smile: You have many paths.

5

You need to go to all the office hours your professors and lab assistants offer and get help on the terms and tools you are not familiar with. Hands on demos are much more effective than trying to learn by Google. When you get caught up a bit, raise your hand and ask questions in lecture as soon as an unfamiliar term comes up.

When you are feeling a little more confident, talk to the officers of the clubs you are most interested in and ask how they got started in whatever topic. It may make sense to wait on some things until you get a little more experience and confidence. Take an AI class before going to AI club, for example.

Finally, I doubt you are the only one. Once you start going to office and lab hours, you will find other people asking questions. Try to form or join a study group so you’re not figuring everything out on your own.

As far as internships go, write a forward-looking resume with the coursework you plan to take before summer comes. Ask for advice at the career center for which companies would be the best matches. Even if you don’t land a summer internship, writing a resume and interviewing will be good experience for next summer when you have two years of classes under your belt.

6

@SouthernHope @labegg Thank you for your compliments, but they’re bittersweet to hear. “You’re a great writer” has been the only compliment I’ve heard consistently from my teachers from the age of…eight. Here are some other words I like to use to my describe myself: cynical, rational, and realistic. And here’s why: okay, I have skills with language & communication. Exactly what lucrative career is that supposed to lead me to? Who out there is super eager to hire an English major? I’ve done all the research I can on “careers for writers” and the results are very vague and scattered and not promising. I love to edit, proofread, write essays, and construct arguments. Try and find me a career in that field that makes more than a high school teacher’s salary…

As for CS, I really did think (for about the past year) that I would major in this. I loved AP Computer Science and the idea of a CS degree sounded like it could only be a good thing. A promising degree in a growing field with many areas of specialization. I planned all along to specialize in computational biology because I reeeally have a strong interest in genetics, microbiology/virology, and evolutionary biology (seriously, this stuff is, like, my second passion. English is my soulmate but this is my best friend) and I thought that would be the perfect way to combine that passion with computer science. Then I found out that computer science is an entire world of information I’ve never encountered and I’m so intimidated and I’m realizing I didn’t really have a backup plan. I thought “CS and some minor” would be my path. Idk what to do if not that.

@AroundHere Thank you for the advice. You’re probably right in that I should talk to professors and TA’s. I’m just kind of intimidated by them because I’m in classrooms with 300 or 400 people and I feel like the professors/TA’s don’t really want to talk to us/deal with our stupid questions/are too busy to really genuinely help us… that’s probably dumb but it’s how I feel.

7

First of all, this is an optional opportunity, so if it stresses you out, forget about it and focus on your schoolwork.

This is what office hours are for. Look at your syllabi, figure out when your professors and TAs are holding office hours/help sessions, and go prepared with work and questions.

8

Yes, it’s dumb. If you don’t get over the shyness about asking for help, you are not going to make it through. Period.

College classes move much faster than high school classes. Every day you waste not asking for help is like wasting 2 or 3 days at high school pace.

9

Here is the scoop with CS – you are in with a lot of “coder boys”. They have been living and breathing computer stuff for years. And a lot of them LOVE to show off, treat people who don’t have as much background like try don’t belong, and just generally act like jerks.

But here is the thing. Most of them don’t know as much as they are pretending that they do. They have gaps, too, but aren’t going to admit it. And some of them have really bad habits – in particular, they often write code that can’t be maintained by anyone else.

There are plenty of people who don’t get internships after freshman year. And some not after sophomore year, either. Don’t sweat that part, and ignore their bragging about it.

Your profs & TAs want to help you learn, and want to teach you the right way to do things. You may not get As in everything, but you can do fine just the same. So go to office hours and ask for help. If the department offer tutoring, take advantage of that. Also, see if you kind find a few others to study with who aren’t jerks. The women in your class might be a good place to start.

10

I feel like this is going to be me… I’m planning on going into Mechanical Engineering and I’m not even sure how I’m going to like it. I mean, I’m taking AP physics, I’m taking AP calc, but I feel like when I get to college, everyone is going to know so much more than me?
Through your writing you remind me a lot of myself, btw.
Anyways, I’m sure that there are at least some people in there that have no idea what they’re doing- possibly even less than you think you don’t. A lot of those people are probably faking it till they make it.
In the meantime, maybe you should scope out some people that know as much as you and start a “idk w t f is going on but we’re just gonna go with it” club. That should be the name, too. I mean, I don’t have any college experience (yet) but what you’re going through, I’ve heard, is common.

11

Your professors, TAs and academic advisor(s) are people too, not Gods who are unapproachable, but people who eat, drink, joke, sleep, and all the other things that you do. Go to them and tell them how you feel and ask how to best approach what you so desperately seem to want to learn. Some may actually be impressed by your honesty and make extra effort to help you. Right now CS feels like you have been dropped in a foreign language immersion situation and it is very uncomfortable. It will take a lot of effort but isn’t insurmountable. There is NO way that you are the only one feeling the way that you do. People your age are not always so open about how they are feeling, and that is one way that sites like this one are good, you get to vent and get some feedback. Once you get it off your chest and a few ideas, then comes taking action to try to remedy the problems. It won’t happen overnight.

You do not have to have a resume or attend career fairs and pursue internships right away either. These are all things that come with time. You have a long life ahead of you.

12

professors and TAs want to help you. that’s what most are there for. ive had friends who were TAs who would tweet about how they longed for students to show up to office hours and how happy it made them to finally see at least one student show up. these CS “pros” probably learned some coding on their own. there are so many online resources like codeadaemy, coursera, edx, ect. (those are websites where you can learn stuff for free online from top universities). i know what it’s like to feel like you dont belong because somehow everyone else seems so qualified compared to you. but the truth is that a lot of them just learned it on their own in their free time. but as intparent said, many pick up bad habits from being “self-taught” that might end up harming them in the long run. they’re going to try to act like jerks who know everything and they’ll probably treat you like you dont belong. dont let them intimidate you, fake it till you make it. nod your head even if you dont understand, but make sure to ask questions in office hours.ask others for advice, tell them that you’re a fresh beginner. if you let them know where you stand, they’ll be more inclined to help you at your level. you have to allow yourself to be a bit humble and be willing to put yourself in that vulnerable position of saying “i have no clue what any of this means, but i want to learn, please teach me”

professors LOVE students who are honest about their weaknesses and actually want to improve and learn. so many of your classmates will probably think they’re “too good” for that - they’ll act as if they already know the material correctly, and probably keep going through their classes with a myriad of misconceptions. no one likes interacting with arrogant jerks, not professors, not employers. your writing skills are so important because they let you communicate efficiently and professionally with these people. im willing to bet you know how to make a proper email. employers LOVE this. dont underestimate how valuable communications skills are. when you’ve gotten the luck to interact with someone (professor, TA, employer) who has GREAT communication and writing skills, you’ll realize just how amazing and valuable that skill is. and after you stop interacting with them, you’ll realize just how horrible it is to interact with people who cant write a basic email, or write a proper test, or ask a clear question. (not trying to sound like a grammar elitist or anything, but seriously, good communication skills are one of those things that you don’t really think much about, but once you experience the best, you wont want to turn back).

  • go to office hours. tell them about your passion. ask them anything, even if you think it's dumb. let them know your level. and dont forget to let them know of how passionate you are about this. don't give up just because it gets hard without even trying. professors will put you in higher esteem if they see you as a genuinely passionate and curious individual that is willing to learn. they wont think highly of arrogant 18 years olds who act like they know everything there is to know, who act as if they can just ditch class because "lecture is so useless, ill just show up for the exam because i already know this stuff."

be confident in the fact that you’re probably a better communicator than most of your classmates, and that you’re hopefully humble enough to throw any sense of pride away that you might feel about having to ask your professors for help. im not saying you sound prideful, but i realize that that might be where the fear to ask questions is coming from. who cares if someone thinks you sound dumb? get over it. just ask, because you need to learn your stuff. if they laugh, let them laugh. all you should care about is getting the information you need to learn, dont sweat the small stuff.

but yeah, not trying to scare you or anything. im pretty sure your professors and TAs will be more than happy to help you. don’t be afraid, that’s what they’re there to do. if they’re rude or arrogant about it, then that’s on them. it’s got nothing to do with you whether they’re old and sour.

good luck!

and i definitely recommend coursera’s python courses from university of michigan. they do a great job of introducing the bare basics to beginners. they’ll teach you about the main computer parts, how the languages work and what you’re actually doing when you write out code, ect.

btw the “command prompt” (at least on python) looks like this:


[QUOTE=""]
it's basically a dog asking you "what do you want me to do next?" it asks for the next "line" of code

[/QUOTE]

13

This may be, in part, Imposter’s Syndrome? I felt overwhelmed and “behind” everyone else for much of my time as a student at a rigorous school. Generally, as a premed student, and more specifically, as an Applied Math major taking required courses with mostly Master’s students. I often wonder how I’m getting a degree in this field when I feel like I haven’t learned much at all.

I’m not sure how so many CS students actually know what’s going on. Maybe some took a college course or two on programming, or really like to code in their spare time. Maybe some had internships over the summer. Or maybe, there’s going to be a point in the course (it’s still early), where everyone will be confused as the material becomes more complicated. Regardless, I’m sure you aren’t alone in feeling like this. One of my professors, a leader in the field of machine learning and a researcher in computational medicine, confessed to us once that he still gets nervous around some of the people he works with because he can’t understand all of their biology jargon.

Things that help:

  • []Do you have any friends in that class who could help you? Or, alternatively, reassure you that you aren’t alone in being confused (that helped me a lot, lol).
    [    ]Talk to your professor or TAs. Tell them some of the jargon you aren’t understanding and have them explain it to you. Professors who are experts and scholars often suck at teaching introductory courses because they don’t always remember that their students know literally nothing (hence, why they’re there). It’s not your fault, but you need to take initiative because they are valuable resources who will help you if you ask.
    []If you can’t bring yourself to do the above, at least take the time to Google search for some of the terms your professor uses a lot. Find a site that you can understand. Make note of these for future reference. It will take time–maybe a lot of time–but there is a site out there that is just right for you.
    [    ]You don’t have to understand all the information thrown at you perfectly. A lot can be learned through context. What’s important is studying efficient code and then doing a bunch of practice problems. I’m not sure if you have a textbook or not, but many websites will give you programming exercises, and some give feedback.
    []If you can’t get into computation-heavy internships, take a look at the Bio department. I feel like they’re much more willing to accept people with little experience, and there may be some hidden opportunities for you to practice coding in certain labs.

Things that don’t help:

[ul]
[]The club meetings: I went to a lot of premed seminars, advising sessions, and club. In retrospect, it was pretty masochistic of me, because I always left feeling more confused and overwhelmed. Stop going. Yes, it’s good to learn more about applications of CS. But, if you don’t have the background to understand what they’re talking about and you’re only leaving feeling worse, you’re just wasting your time.
[li]Worrying about internships and careers: Again, too early if you’re just starting to learn a new programming language (I feel like intro courses are always about JAVA, but then everyone uses MATLAB, Python, or R, lol). I considered majoring in CS as a freshman too, and I found that you needed a good amount of programming course background and a strong network to be considered for some of these opportunities. Talk to a professor in the CS department. Professors are some of the most likely people to accept freshmen because they are often more willing to teach and expect mistakes.[/li][/ul]
As for English:
Have you looked into law or technical writing? But no, I get that sometimes it’s best to be practical. Try to find people at your school who are in the field you wish to pursue. Ask them how they did it. Maybe they majored in Bio and minored in CS instead of the other way around.

14

I’ve been a developer and manager around Silicon Valley for 25 years and I know the type of people you’re talking about. @intparent was on the money in assessing them. Yes, they do have a head start on you in knowing the tools of your trade.

Remember though: knowing how to fly an airplane doesn’t make you an aerospace engineer. Similarly, knowing Linux commands is not the same thing as understanding operating systems. Teaching yourself to code isn’t the same as understanding language theory and data structures. You are clearly drawn to computer science. It is a beautiful art. Coding and jockeying Linux are simply tools you will learn to use as you explore this field. Don’t lose sight of that.

What these other students currently know may well become an impediment to what they can learn if they think they already know it all. Genuine curiosity and desire to learn (rather than show off what you know) will make you a favorite with the profs and TAs.

I was first introduced to computers in college back in the stone ages. The first systems I worked on are literally in museums. The first programming language I learned is long obsolete but the discipline and theory I learned from it I still use every day. Java is a worthy successor for the purpose of teaching good programming skills, as well as being widely used in the real world. Classmates who haven’t had a good introduction to Java may be the ones trying to catch up pretty soon.

Finally: can you find a tutor or mentor to work with you through this initial startup time? It would help if you had someone who could guide you regarding what’s worth learning on your own and what isn’t. For example, a mentor might tell you “Yes, learning Linux is a useful skill and here’s an online tutorial I really like.” or “You don’t need to worry about Babun since you use a Mac” and save you many hours of googling.

15

You said something I find disconcerting: “what lucrative career is that supposed to lead to?”

If you focus on money, you won’t be happy. It’s an old cliche, but it’s relevant. Can I suggest you go into your college career center, and do one of those tests that helps find a career suited to YOU? Talk to your advisor and figure out if your true interest lies elswhere. It is entirely possible that CS is not the right major for you. You say everyone has told you for years that you are a good writer. Listen to them. It doesn’t mean you have to be a starving writer living in a drafty hovel somewhere. Use the services your college offers. That is what they are there for, to help guide students to career paths. Not necessarily to career paths that will instantly earn big bucks.

You are there on a scholarship, and I suspect you are putting a ton of pressure on yourself to be some superstar student. You are a normal person, and I guarantee there are others who feel that you do. Have you seen all the posts on this forum? And those are just the ones who are being proactive and trying to turn things around by using this site. There are MANY other students right now, at every college in the country, who are experiencing similar feelings.

I would consider changing your major if you find yourself still feeling like this by the end of the semester. But first, give it a chance. Swallow your pride, and don’t worry about not feeling like the superstar kid on a scholarship. Go to professor office hours. Go to the tutoring center. Join study groups. Googling is great, but it is no substitute for human interaction. Be proactive and get busy figuring out what is going to work for you. Good luck.

16

I suspect you were a high stats kid who isn’t used to having to struggle a bit. I disagree with others suggesting you give this up already. You went into the major because you enjoyed it… Don’t give up at the first obstacle. If you work through this semester, you might find all the sweat was worth it and that you have a deeper appreciation and maybe love for the major. Or maybe not, but at least give it a fair shake.
Go to office hours, make use any available tutoring, when at the clubs and in the class keep an eye out for the students who seem to know what they are doing and like helping others and see if any of them would be willing to show you a few things.

17

Go to the professor and TA’s office hours. Starting this week. Now. Don’t wait. That’s what professors have office hours for. Most of the time, they sit there in their office for the whole hour and no students show up.

You know what that means? You have an opportunity for a whole extra hour with just you and the professor for extra help. If you still need help, all you have to do is ask and maybe the professor and/or TA will offer to sit down with you for additional time outside of regular office hours. They might be able to recommend a tutor who could assist you.

18

Jumping on the bandwagon here to say that the advice and encouragement in the above posts is spot on.

For 100% certain, you are not the only one.

For 100% certain, many of the most ‘advanced’ and confident ones are going to have their own challenges (especially those with bad habits + arrogance- it can end very badly…).

For 100% certain, there are profs & TAs who can make this hard part easier for you. And- although you need to do it in a civil way- you actually can call out a prof in a class that is designed for beginners for assuming that students already know something (best make sure it wasn’t mentioned in reading you didn’t do though).

There is so much happening in your life right now, but it will get better. You will learn how to work harder, faster, smarter, and soon things that seem overwhelming now will be matter of course.

(also, look for internships within your uni for the first summer- it’s a great way to get started).