I think I'm having an emotional breakdown.

<p>Hi parents.
I recently transferred schools, from a smaller state U to the flagship. I came here completely excited but nervous.
Now, two months later, I can't seem to focus on school. I feel so alone here because I feel like I haven't made any friends. This normally wouldn't bother me too much as I have always felt like a loner, but I keep crying all the time for no reason. I can't focus on school, I care about it but I don't care, ya know? Like, I'm skipping classes for no reason and not doing papers and not studying for tests and then everything is due all at once and I can't seem to do any of the work. I'm freaking out because I can't seem to want to do anything at all besides lay (lie?) in bed all day on my computer doing nothing. Or reading. I have a paper due in three hours that I haven't started which is going to be late if she even accepts it at all and I had a small paper due yesterday in a different class which I haven't done yet. I can't stop procrastinating and even though I've always procrastinated, this is the worst it's ever been.</p>

<p>I feel like I'm drowning. I've been having suicidal thoughts and even though I've never acted on it before, it scares me. I've battled depression before in high school, a lot of it stemming from body issues and feeling absolutely worthless all the time. That's how I feel now. I feel ugly, fat, stupid, like nothing. And it makes me cry.</p>

<p>I've had suicidal thoughts before but I've never acted on it. But about two weeks ago, I honestly felt like if I had something I knew would kill me, I woulda taken it. And I've never felt that way before. I started crying today randomly, after experiencing this moment of complete loneliness and I called my mom. She didn't pick up so I literally just could not stop crying. I walked around, pulled myself together, went back to my room and my mom calls me back. Now, I've never ever talked to my mom about this because I don't want her to worry. But I can't stop now and I'm telling her about how I feel sad and lonely but not about the suicidal thoughts and about classes. And she's amazing. I haven't been home yet but she offers to pick me up Friday and drop me back off Sunday even though Thanksgiving break is only 2 1/2 weeks away. She is an amazing mother but I can't help but feeling like I'm failing as a daughter. </p>

<p>The thing is, I don't know if I need to take a break from school right now, if I should stay here, talk to a counselor and try not to fail my classes or what. I'm completely lost and scared and I have no clue what I'm doing and this is my first cry for help so please parents help me.</p>

<p>You need to go to counseling right away, today. This is not a time to keep things to yourself. Nothing is as important as your well-being, and if you're not well, you need to get help to get better. There is no shame in asking for help, rather, it's a sign of strength. We all need help from time to time, and this is a time for professional intervention. If you can't talk to your parents, talk to someone. Today. Hang in there...</p>

<p>Since you couldn't talk to your mom, this is what she would have said to you:
I love you. You are wonderful. I am so glad you are my daughter. Your health and well being matter more to me than any stupid grade. I think you need to talk to someone. I know the school has a counseling center. Please pick up the phone and make an appointment. Tell them how you've been feeling, and I bet they will see you right away. And get some rest. You sound very stressed, and I bet it's in part because you haven't had a decent night's sleep in a long time. But make the call.</p>

<p>I agree that you should seek counseling immediately. Believe me, you are not the only one who is going through feelings of depression but it sounds like you have reached a level of crisis. You need to call your college's crisis hotline or your city's suicide prevention hotline NOW. Do it now before anything else. Those papers are not as important as your health and life. You could start with your RA who can get you the help you need. And I would encourage you to tell your mother everything, especially about your suicidal thoughts. She obviously loves you very much and she will understand and give you the support you need.</p>

<p>SuicideHotlines.com</a> - When You Feel You Can't Go On -- Let Someone Know Your Pain.</p>

<p>USA</a> NATIONAL Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression.</p>

<p>You are aware you are depressed, having adjustment difficulties and need help. The above links are for emergencies, available 24/7. PLEASE go IMMEDIATELY to your school's counseling enter for more direct assistane. These feelings are manageable and will pass.</p>

<p>I am sorry that you are going through this right now but please know that by reaching out to us you are doing the right thing. Check out the resources jym626 has recommended and contact the mental health department at your school for counseling. I am not only a survivor of suicide (my daddy committed suicide 18 years ago) but have also suffered from bouts of depression since I was your age. I wish I had received therapy when in college. Instead I waited years before I sought help. Cognitive therapy worked wonders for me and given your ability to express how you are feeling so well in your post I'm confident it will benefit you as well. A qualified therapist will help you decide if a break from school is necessary.</p>

<p>If you call the counseling center, they may tell you that they are very busy and can't give you an appointment for a week or more. They say to most callers. You need to tell them that this is an emergency and that you need to see somebody immediately. </p>

<p>Asking for help is the hardest part. This will get easier. You will feel better.</p>

<p>Your mom sounds great and she loves you very much. Remember that you are loved very much.</p>

<p>It sounds like you are very depressed. I am no doctor but I quarantee you that eventually they will find that depression is a physical problem that effects you mentally/emotionally. My best advice is to seek help from a professional becuase of your state of mind. Next take one task at a time and complete it. Don't focus on all that you have to do. Once you start completing tasks you will feel better. Stay busy. Staying in bed is never good imo. I have suffered with depression on and off for years. You going to have to learn to fight through the depression.</p>

<p>There is help for you. People want to help you and you deserve help. Two things: First, get to the health center immediately and tell them everything you have said here. Don't hold back any of it. Second, tell your mom everything. The pain your mom would feel if you hurt yourself in any way and she never knew you were in such pain -- it would be immense. She needs and deserves to know. Above all remember that depression is temporary - it can and will get better and help will speed the process dramatically.</p>

<p>First, don't worry about school. You are suffering from a serious depression. If the school knows that is what is going on, someone, a dean or advisor or professor, will help you withdraw without penalty. Yes, you would lose work that you have done, but the pressure will be off for awhile. My daughter had to withdraw for a medical reason at this point in a semester. She went on medical leave for one semester, then returned. Yes, she lost all her work for the interrupted semester, and she had done all of it up to the point she became ill, but she did not look back.</p>

<p>Okay, now the important part. Get help and get it now, as others have said. Do not wait even a day. When you are depressed like this, it can be hard to make that effort and it feels difficult to call for an appointment or show up at the front desk at the mental health office. </p>

<p>So what will help you get to help? I think you should either talk to an RA or advisor whom you already know, or tell your mother. Your mother is going to need to know that you are not only depressed, but suicidal, at some point. She can find the appropriate help for you. Or you can start with someone at the college.</p>

<p>Please, please don't hide how you are actually feeling. The quickest way forward is to fully acknowledge the full extent of what you are feeling and dealing with it.</p>

<p>And don't feel stigmatized. Depression strikes most of us at one time, and 50% of college students apparently suffer from it during college years. You have been through a difficult transition to a bigger school, and did not have the benefit of orientation or being part of a group of incoming freshmen. This could have triggered a tendency to get depressed.</p>

<p>Dealing with it properly now will teach you a lot about how to deal with it in the future.</p>

<p>Nothing is as important as your life. The problem with school is fixable over time. Let that go and talk to someone asap. Please, let us know when you have so we can stop worrying too!</p>

<p>Please go to the student health center.</p>

<p>Tell them you are having thoughts of harming yourself.</p>

<p>If you can't do this, call 911, and they will come and get you and get you help.</p>

<p>Hey guys. Thanks for the kind words. I slept for a few hours last night and felt good waking up so that's good. </p>

<p>I called mental health services but they don't have anything for another week. Online, they say they always have on-call therapists if it it's an emergency so I'm going to call them back and ask to speak to one. It's just hard for me because I hate crying on the phone and that's what I basically am gonna do. </p>

<p>I'm also gonna e-mail my advisor and ask her what she thinks I should do. I just can't picture staying here for the rest of the semester and doing well but I can't picture going home. I feel like, what could I do at home? It'd be like failure to me and I've already sorta gone through this in hs. I mean, I'm willing to go home for my own sake but then what? </p>

<p>I know this isn't all about school but school and finishing it is very important to me. The good thing is that my school has a branch campus in my home city so for next semester, I can take classes there and they'd transfer directly. </p>

<p>Compmom, thank you so much, your post in particular made me feel better. Hiding what I feel is so normal to me; these actions have been very out of character but I feel it had to be done. </p>

<p>I still don't know what to do or how to tell my parents I want to go home. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.</p>

<p>Try to just take it a step at a time.</p>

<p>Dont' think that far ahead. Just call the health center and tell them it is an emergency. There will be someone there to help you with the rest of it.</p>

<p>Good luck to you.</p>

<p>I want to say that I think it is great you have taking the step of reaching out for advice.
That is way more than some people can manage to do & really says a lot about how strong you are.</p>

<p>Don't worry about crying the whole time on the crisis line, they have experience with that & crying might help you feel better for a while.</p>

<p>You should be able to take a medical leave & might even get refunds for your classes- but that isn't the most important thing right now believe me.</p>

<p>Try writing down what you are feeling, it might help you to organize your thoughts and if you can write down what you want to say to your mother, it might be easier for her to hear & understand what you are going through.</p>

<p>You just treat yourself gently and go get some help. Everyone hits a rough patch.</p>

<p>Please don't be afraid to tell you parents. I'm sure that your health and safety the most important thing to them.</p>

<p>None of this is your fault. Depression is an illness. You will feel better once you get treatment.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you.</p>

<p>Call mental health services again. The person you talked with didn't realize that you need to see someone right away. They want to help you but it is hard to tell over the phone whose situation is more urgent.</p>

<p>I was lucky in college to have two RAs who were very good. (I also had some that weren't so good). The ones who were good helped students in your kind of situation. Do you think it would help to talk with your RA?</p>

<p>You took a great first step by writing here, and I'm glad you posted a second time with an update. </p>

<p>A lot of posters had some great advice. Let me just add a little more: Depression is a medical condition, and it is treatable with medication (as I know from personal experience). </p>

<p>Health care offices have to find a way to ration care, and they can't tell over the phone how serious your problem is. I'm an adult with children, and I've told new mothers many times: If you really feel your baby needs care, don't just accept an appointment next week. Otherwise, the receptionist thinks she's taken care of the problem, or at least it isn't her problem anymore. Understandably, she can't know how bad the situation is. In your case, if you feel that next week isn't soon enough, walk into your student health services clinic, tell them you need help and that you will wait to be seen. Let me tell you, if you had broken your leg, they would see you that day--and depression can be more life-threatening than a broken leg. I can assure without knowing your college that you will not be the first student to go there with depression; they see it all the time, and seeing a regular doctor can be the first step.</p>

<p>Here's a long story, but it illustrates my point that sometimes you have to insist you need care. My toddler once fell and broke his arm. It was obviously broken. He screamed like I had never heard him scream for 30 minutes, and then he fell asleep (a coping mechanism for babies). I called the nurse to get permission (as required by my HMO) to take him to the emergency room. Amazingly, the nurse said, "No. If he is asleep, his arm is not broken." I couldn't believe it, but knew I had to wait until my husband got home from work in a few minutes anyway because I had another young child that someone had to stay with. When my H got home, I called the nurse and said, "Now he's awake and his arm is swollen to three times its normal size. Now I'd like permission to go to the emergency room." (I didn't tell her that he was awake because I'd woken him up.) She finally granted permission. Indeed, his arm was broken and he needed emergency surgery.</p>

<p>It can be so hard to advocate for oneself, or to be a squeaky wheel on one's own behalf. I am a tiger when it comes to getting an emergency appointment for one of my kids, but I sure am not the same when it involves getting help for myself.</p>

<p>I wonder if there is someone- your mom or an RA, who can also call and help you get an appointment sooner. Or you could try walking into the clinic.</p>

<p>You are extremely brave here, and maybe realize that crying will illustrate the problem, which is a good thing!</p>

<p>This could be the beginning of some good things in your life, believe it or not. I have seen it with one of my own kids.</p>

<p>You are an articulate intelligent and caring young lady. I can see this in your one small post and my heart goes out to you. As a parent I will tell you, you cannot “fail” as a daughter. If my son had a cold and it progressed to pneumonia I would be angry at myself not taking him to the doctor. Your mom is here to love and protect you… that’s our job :) Send your mom an email saying you need help and copy the message you posted here. Don’t worry about school right now. You are more important that a paper! Concentrate on getting help to feel better. Big hugs!</p>