<p>cmbmom - I am doing to play devil’s advocate here. I read something once that said, “Let them hold on as long as they need to - it will prepare them to let go when they are ready”. (The original quote was more eloquent than that!). Many may not agree with that philosphy, but it seems to hold true with my kids. </p>
<p>Our older D is in honors program of large state U 75 miles from home. We asked her to stay on campus two weeks before coming home her freshman year, which she did. I can still remember her driving up the driveway on that Friday afternoon tears streaming down her face, she was so happy to be home. After that first two weeks and seeing those tears I told her, come whenever you want, whenever you feel the need. I think those trips home just “recharged her battery” and let her head back to school reenergized. Someone likened it to when your toddler would be playing with other children and would come and lay their head on your lap or grab your hand for a second before they headed back into the fray. Same thing, just at a different time in their life. My point is that after that first semester of freshman year, we could hardly get D to come home! She made friends, joined groups, assumed leadership positions, later got a job with the honors program (which we didn’t ask her to do, or really even want her to do!). Sometimes she would come home, sometimes we would head to campus when something was going on. The trips home got less and less. She adjusted and has done just great - set to graduate with honors in May (with a 4.0 if she can maintain it!). I don’t think that denying her the ability to come home would have hastened that process - it just would have made her miserable. </p>
<p>Younger D is a freshman at a top 15 school 350 miles from here. Very different campus experiences, very different academic expectations, and different distances. Also freshman D is not allowed to have a car. We told her we would get her home or we would come as often as she wanted us to, and we meant it. She has been there 3 weeks but is finding that the academic expectations of a science major, weekend commitments to music lessons and study groups, are really restricting the freedom she has to come home. We went up last week to hear her first concert, but I can tell she really needs to come home and “touch base”, but it is not feasible right now. We offered to her that we would come up, take her to lunch and/or dinner, even come and get her and have her stay in the hotel (just to get her out of the dorm for a night) this weekend if she wants. Give her some familiar faces, a break from the campus food, but not keep her from doing the work she needs to get done. </p>
<p>I also think a lot of time adults ask kids to do things we would never do. Would I, as an adult, retreat from a cramped, unairconditioned college dorm rooom that I shared with a stranger to my lovely, familiar home bedroom for a night of peace - ABSOLUTELY!! Yet we ask our kids not to.</p>
<p>I ran into a couple of older ladies while walking the dog this morning who asked how younger D was adjusting to college, etc. They related stories about how they made their kids stay until the first break or 6 weeks or whatever. I guess I’ve just never felt I had to take as gospel what other people told me to do with my kids. My husband and I have always done what we felt in our heart’s was right for them and it always seemed to be the right decision. Go with your heart - you know her best. Maybe a mixture of her coming home and you heading to the school.</p>