<p>Okay, sorry to have made this thread stray so far into my messy house! It was just an example of wanting change, but really wanting others to change in a way that may not be possible. This brings to mind Al-Anon:</p>
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<p>Maybe I should read up on them!</p>
<p>moonchild – Perhaps we can be a resource for each other when things get tough.</p>
<p>Missypie – it couldn’t hurt. Certainly anything that requires someone else change for us to be happy is going to be a no-win situation for us. Not that I haven’t tried in my own life.</p>
<p>I desperately want to take my daughter because she seems to have devoted her life to trying to change her father. So much so, that her boyfriend commented on how he doesn’t want her to get started on him. So far, she won’t go. Sigh.</p>
<p>I thought this thread was making dramatic positive changes… aren’t there people out there who have done this? I would love to hear some more stories. Not that clutter isn’t fascinating but. Missypie, speaking of which, there is a book called Stuff, about the hoarding instinct that might shed some light on your H.</p>
<p>Plus, Missypie, I took your original intent to be that there are some dramatic, positive changes YOU would like to make - about you, for you . Right or wrong?</p>
<p>Yeah, we got off track because I used our cluttered house an example of wanting to make a change that is really only possible with the cooperation of others.</p>
<p>missypie – It often feels like that, so I don’t find your posts off track at all. It’s a conundrum.</p>
<p>Well, it’s not a major change, but I have found that it makes me happy in a cluttered home and cluttered world…</p>
<p>I have a small garden just off the patio. Herbs and flowers. Interesting shapes and textures. Some cactus, some palms. I started it after DS left home and find that nurturing little plants fills that momma-need. Also, no one else touches it. And no one leaves socks or magazines lying around there. When I get home from work, I like to sit outside and enjoy the nature and orderliness. I have a nice place inside where I can sit and see the garden through the patio door without being too distracted by those who know no neatness.</p>
<p>Really, this is the biggest change in the last year and it does provide a nice escape.</p>
<p>Hi Missypie,</p>
<p>I don’t know really how to make changes. And yet, I have made some. I’ve lost 35 pounds in the past year and a half. Slow. But, mostly I’m trying to learn to eat to feel better, so slow is okay. What was the turning point? Not sure. Just one day I decided to do whatever I needed to do to feel better. Why that day, and not a different day? Don’t know.</p>
<p>Now that I have some energy, we are going through our <em>stuff</em>, and giving it away. Again, it is slow. We have collected a lot of things! I have kept asking my pre-teen to help me clean and getting no response. Well, a couple of days ago, I cleaned her sisters room (she’s home for a couple of weeks before starting college) and yesterday and today the pre-teen went on a cleaning rampage like nothing I’ve ever seen. I don’t know what got into her. It’s a miracle. </p>
<p>The last few years, I’ve been going through <em>the change</em>. There is a lot of change going on here, some visible (weight loss), some not (my attitude, mental outlook).</p>
<p>Missypie - I don’t mind getting off-track at all. This thread is very interesting to me.</p>
<p>Mstee - I would love a thread for those of us starting or going through the “change”. I have so many questions. Had my first crying fit this week. I felt like a crazy woman!</p>
<p>Just a tidbit - I greet hubby at the door every evening when he comes home from work. A kiss and a hug are in store for him. Sort of like the dogs, but just can’t wiggle my tail like them, as I have a bad back. :)</p>
<p>I think some of the recent threads on changes that people have made in their lives or are contemplating have been tremendously inspiring. We have a big house and as kids have moved out it’s been apparent that repairs were needed and it was full of “stuff”. My husband and I also disagree on getting rid of things that we once spent money on, I’m more of the opinion that I’d rather put it in the trash than have it cluttering up the house but it’s hard! Plus it’s hard work! So we’ve been getting repairs done and decluttering at the same time but there’s a lot left to do. It’s a process.</p>
<p>EO- if you want to do some specific research, I noticed that the hystersister.com website has tons of people talking about HRT or not, some surgical change, some not, but still lots of experiences for your consideration</p>
<p>Here is why I hoped this thread would be inspiring to me (selfish motives, yes 
)</p>
<p>If it’s up to me, here’s how I want to change my daily living.<br>
Personal wellness: I want to exercise more (and have the time to do it), eat better (I can be very happy eating vegetables and rice three nights a week) and then get some good solid sleep at night.<br>
Home wellness: Just as I want to “cleanse” my body I want to cleanse my home. Freshen things up, get rid of SOOOOOOOOOOOO much stuff we have. Have less, but have better stuff - all around - food, furniture, etc.
Work wellness: The above I believe will make me more productive at work - when I’m feeling better and not sluggish. When I feel my home is in order I am more motivated to keep work in order too.</p>
<p>Conflicts:
Kids but primarily husband eats horribly. Unbalanced, unplanned, makes faces at my “healthy food”. He exercises, then comes home and has a mega bowl of ice cream or a 1/2 pound of potato chips. Everyone schedule this summer is CRAZY! Doesn’t even feel like I can cook a meal to have everyone there. So I/We are constantly grabbing something from the freezer/take-out to make a meal. I hate the randomness of it all.<br>
I am lucky enough to have a exercise facility right where I work. But, am sharing my car this summer w/S. So usually, I find myself having to get car home to either share with him or to take younger D somewhere - once I’m home, hard to motivate to go back. I settle for a walk in the neighborhood or a quick bike ride.
Home STUFF - WAYYYYYY too much of it - honestly, so much junk is H’s junk! A walk up attic FULL - seriously FULL - of old furniture waiting to be refinished - (a hobby gone wild) - we’re talking several sets of antique chairs, tables, rockers, dressers, etc. etc. - the market isn’t even good for this stuff anymore, the kids probably won’t want it and we don’t need MORE stuff!!! Same with the garage - more furniture stuff. Same with the basement - more furniture stuff - and projects undone for years, parts that will never be used, etc.</p>
<p>I really like things in order and I struggle with all this. I can’t change H and his habits - I don’t think so. So how can I find a balance to motivate myself and make things work for me??? Sometimes it feels like one step forward, three steps back. </p>
<p>I want to hear stories of how you made dramatic, positive changes in your life for YOU, bypassing or more cooperatively working with those around you.</p>
<p>Another box and several bags of <em>stuff</em> (shoes, clothes, books and etc.) got taken to the thrift shop today – for others to buy and enjoy! Yay! (a similar amount went away a couple of weeks ago). Soon, it should start to be noticeable, LOL, even though it seems like a bottomless pit of stuff. </p>
<p>Went a little backwards today on the healthy eating though, dang it. Ah, but tomorrow is a new day. And the pre-teen’s room is clean! I honestly don’t know what happened. She spent all day yesterday cleaning and vacuuming. I’ve never seen her do anything like that before. Wild.</p>
<p>My changes began almost 3 yrs ago when I started going to Al Anon. It has changed how I view myself and my family. I understand my Mom (she was the D of a violent alcoholic) and understand why she behaved the way she did. I also have learned that how my Mom parented us has had a profound impact on how I parented my children and how I interacted with my H.
Biggest changes- Reciting the serenity prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. The only person I can change is myself. I was driving myself and my family crazy trying to control and change all of them.
I stopped expecting my H to be able to read my mind. I now am much better at saying what I want. And if I don’t I have no one to blame but myself.
Learned that NO is a complete sentence.
Stopped having expectations about other family members behavior. Expecting my ADD son to be organized just drove me crazy. When I have expectations I just end up with resentments. When I find myself frustrated with my son I remind myself of some of his positive character assets. But have also learned that when I start each conversation with all the things he should be doing he just tunes me out and I end up angry and frustrated. Now if something is important I call him and first have some easy going positive conversation. It is amazing how much better our relationship is when I stopped expecting things of him that he was never going to deliver.
I used to go psycho everytime I had all my extended family for a visit. The food, the mess etc. For the last 2 yrs I started assigning people meals. It is amazing how they were happy to help if I just asked for what I needed. I also accept that the house will be a disaster when they leave. I can now enjoy the company without the underlying anxiety that the mess is everywhere. When I cleaned behind everyone it just got messy again. Now I clean when they leave.
I also learned to put myself first. I get a massage twice a month, I sometimes get my nails done. If I am in the middle of something my kids need to wait.
But the biggest change and one I constantly am working on is “Not doing for someone else what they could be doing for themselves” We are not doing our children or H’s a favor my solving all their problems.
I also turn things over to a higher power. I have accepted that I don’t have all the answers and nor should I.
I am a happier person and my family is also happier.</p>
<p>Missypie- my friend had a H and S like you. She rented a small studio cottage about 20 minutes from our town. When life and clutter gets to her she escapes to her “other” home. Not financially doable for most but a solution for her. When she had surgery she knew she could not count on her family to take care of her. So instead of going home from the hospital and being resentful she arranged to stay for a few days with a GF.
Regarding the tickets. I would tell him it frustrates you to hear about the tickets and you would appreciate it if he just paid his fine and did not discuss it with you.</p>
<p>I am a long time poster using a different name because of the sensitive nature of my post. Two years ago I realized that I needed to make substantial change in my life because my life had evolved into one that was no longer worth living. I felt I either needed to change my life, or end it. I guess this might be called a midlife crisis of some sort. But really it was an awakening in me to realize that I had essentially raised my children to adulthood, but I had never really dealt with ME. So I have been gradually, slowly but surely, making changes. The first, and biggest change was admitting to myself, actually saying it out loud, and telling my husband of over 30 years, that I am in fact a lesbian. I have known this for my entire adult life, but I was raised in a family and in a time, that I just couldn’t or wouldn’t have been able to acknowledge this fact. I got married very young and had a bunch of kids. That was what I was supposed to do. I went to college, I worked full time, I raised my kids, and I was more and more miserable as the years went by. I finally reached a point where I just could not live the lie any more. I thought my husband would leave me, but surprisingly (to me anyway) he has not and says he will not, and that he loves me anyway and still wants to grow old with me. So we’ll see if that works. Next I had to work on my physical self. I had gained weight over the years, and decided I was going to lose 50 pounds (not there yet, but getting close), learn to eat healthier, learn to exercise for both physical and emotional health, begin therapy to deal with issues I have and also the gay issue (come out or not? to whom? the kids? family and friends? anyone besides my husband? look for love with a woman? ignore those feelings as I have all my life? much to think about/talk about in therapy with a LGBT friendly therapist).
So changes are happening, and I’ve realized it isn’t too late. I AM worth it. I am struggling, but I am learning and growing. It’s a process and a journey I know I have to take.
Oh, and Elizabeth Hasslebeck is an idiot. I didn’t just wake up and decide to be gay today!</p>
<p>Thanks for such a thoughtful post, and good luck in your journey toward self-discovery. And congratulations on having such a supportive partner. I hope you find the right route for you.</p>
<p>neverknow56, what courage you have! Thanks so much for sharing your story!</p>
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<p>abasket, pretty much everything you said. Maybe the two of us can just run away together.</p>
<p>I used to get “stuck” in the place of wanting to make changes in my life and then not even knowing where to start or how.</p>
<p>I eventually figured out that the problem for me was two-fold, 1. Perfectionism…since I could see where I wanted to be, all I could see was this gigantic chasm. 2. Impatience…once I knew what I wanted to change, I just wanted it done already.</p>
<p>But, then I just started to make small steps. I read somewhere once, “We tend to overestimate what we can get done in a day and vastly underestimate what we can accomplish in a year.” So, I started to take the long view.</p>
<p>For example, if somebody wanted to lose 10 lbs, eat well, a day at a time, excercise a day at a time and only step on a scale once a month. Give yourself 90 days to develop a good habit in place of a bad habit…so, if you want to work out more, just do it for 90 days. You can do anything for 90 days. Don’t eat processed carbs after 3pm for 90 days. Just see how it goes.</p>
<p>For me, in terms of the changes I wanted to make, they were similar to decluttering my life…physically, emotionally, etc…simplifying, and I did believe I would need cooperation from others to make it happen. But, i didn’t want to fight about it. I just focused on changing the things I wanted changed each day. If it bothered me, then I took care of it. I never asked for help more than once.</p>
<p>But, here is the ultimate trick that finally worked for me, in regard to getting my husband to do things…anything he wouldn’t do? I hired someone to come and do it. I said it once, waited a couple of weeks, when nothing happened I hired someone. After about the fifth time, I noticed that he was a little more “on it.” I never argued about it. I just figured if it mattered to me and not to him? So what? I’d just have it done.</p>
<p>He does a lot more now, and I ask for a lot less. We have more fun.</p>
<p>It took going through a major health crisis for me to focus on myself. Mostly because I was forced to. Now I dont think I own all of the Pie but I get a slice. What I want and need is important, sometimes I have to be forceful to be heard. But I keep at it. I lost many punds from the illness, and have changed how I eat and what. Because of this we dont have bad food in the house. If you want junk you have to go out and get it. I talk to my family alot about good nutrition and slowly things are changing. I am very clear about my needs, opinions, and expectations. I think I taught people how to treat me and now I am teaching them again. Of course it is hard for them to change, but I had a discussion with my husband explaining that it wasnt going to be negative, but that I needed to be happy. My older daughter is hard though, she is going to be a sophmore in college and she doesnt want to listen. she is a slob, lately I have taken to putting her stuff in garbage bags and hiding them. suprisingly she hasnt missed them, I think she just thinks they are in the piles in her room. LOL Its a process, slow, I just refuse to go back.</p>