i will love you if u gimme advice on my essay

<p>plz.plz plz
viewed my essay and gimme some advice,no matter structrue or words or main idea or attitude
i am open to accept any kind of suggestion/advice</p>




<p>“You lose!” cheered out Hao.
“No. I lost this round because I didn’t cheat. I would never do what you were doing!” I defended in a higher key.
“Hey, you forgot counting this one on me. Let me see…twelve plus two…fifteen!” yelled Wan, stretching his arms in the air.
“Give me a break.” I could not believe my ears, “ it’s fourteen!” Hao and I almost threw out the line at the same time.
“I know. I intended to say that. Thank God you both have realized I am the winner,” said Wan with an arcane smile on his face.
Hao, Wan and I were all eight years old then. We attended the same school, more specifically, the same class. Moreover, our mothers gave birth to us three at the same hospital in April of 1988.
“Isn’t that amazing? God must have already arranged us to meet and become best friends forever even before we were born.” I kept telling this to the other two boys, no matter how they teased me.
I do not believe in God, actually. Nor do I believe every living man is pacing on a settled track of life. Life is made up of millions of unpredictable tiny events, places and person.
We used to go to school and back home together. Hao’s mother regarded the view we were walking in a line “a moving harp”. I was the tallest, then Hao. Wan was the shortest and had plump cheeks. However, he was always the one who graded the highest and the one who protected Hao and me from danger of being bullied. He learned tae kwon do at age of four and he was a master of swimming as well as a good runner. It’s unreasonable that such an athlete-passionate boy was only 4 feet 6 inches at age of 12, for lots of exercises enhance the process of growing as we were usually told. No sooner than Wan passed out at a math class one day had the whole class realized that Wan was born with leukemia and his sister died of that.
Then hospital, not school or the way to it became the only place we met. In fact, Hao and I went to visit him every day after school. We did not buy him any flowers because we did not make it seem he was a Patient to us, his best friends. Besides, we had never bought any flowers nor did we have money to buy with.
When we arrived there, Wan was taking his medicine under instruction of a nurse. He looked pale and weak. I even doubted whether I had entered the wrong room. There were no plump cheeks, no yelling, no stretching arms, no nothing except a room full of white: white bed sheet, white ceilings, white patients uniform and white tablets.
“How’s school day?” He greeted us and took a sip of water. The nurse left and warned us not to keep Wan up for too long.
“Don’t listen to her. I am fine.” He whispered in an artificial-OK way, but the following coughs sold him out.
Han and I, we were too young to handle such situation. It’s different from visiting your sick grandma. In front of us was our best friend, the one we had known since age 4, the one we shared one bottle of Coke with and asked help for Calculus from. We did not know how hard it was to cure such disease. We did not even know what kind of disease it is. The only thing we did know was our best friend would die in no time. We stood beside his bed, silently with watering eyes.
“Hey, don’t behave like that. I am really OK. Guess I had too much spicy noodles tonight…what about playing pokers?” He took a pair of cards from under his pillow, “Promise me never tell the nurse. This is my last pair. She doesn’t allow me to play and has taken the previous two ones away.”
“Let me give out cards today in case Hao would cheat.” Wan glanced at Hao while giving out.
He was humorous as usual.
He still remembered every single rule we made on this play.
And he was always the winner.</p>

<p>It was the last time we played cards in three. Several weeks later, Hao and I went to Wan’s funeral. Everybody’s eyes were reddened. They felt pathetic for loss of such a young life and complained about the cruelty of life.
Just like what I said, life is unpredictable that forever friendship will never come into reality between Wan, Hao and I. But I am still gratitude to life for letting me be a best friend of Wan and for letting me have an once-in-a-lifetime memory which I would treasure all my life. Most importantly, I have learned how to lead a life in a positive way even when I suffer from any obstacle.</p>

<p>“Do you know how much is twelve plus two?” I asked Hao once.
“Fifteen. How could I forget?”
We both smiled…</p>

<p>I never comment on the personal essay question because know one really knows what how a particular adcom will evaluate them. However, yours is well written, with a beginning which ties together the ending.</p>

<p>However, how many applications use the "my ________ died" as a topic? However touching, is it a bit cliched in the eyes of an adcom?</p>

<p>How much does it reveal of you beyond a cursory "I don't believe in God" line which may put off some adcoms and devotion to a friend which is not unusual at all?</p>

<p>A more compelling and daring essay would be to discuss your non-belief in God and how the death of your friend reinforced or led you to question that belief. This angle would get the adcom to better understand who you are and what you would bring to the life of the college.</p>

<p>My son did a humorous essay about his not so straight teeth and how they reflected his views on perfection vs the journey to improve. By the end of the short essay the adcom knew a lot about him besides his not so perfect teeth and he got a nice note from one adcom member about it.</p>

i am still brainstorming for my official essay to be sent to AO.
I wrote this one because my last essay did receive tons of critisim.I tried to write in a better way.and see how well i can write
still practicing.</p>

<p>Hua, just remember, the adcoms whan know something about you beyond the transcript, test scores and the ec's. The more interesting picture you can paint, the more compelling the essay will be. The tragic death of your best friend is just such an event. However try thinking outside the box a bit more to find a more compelling personal aspect which will grab their attention.</p>

<p>BTW, I think your writing skills are quite good, though you might want to take that with a grain of salt since i'm an engineer.</p>

<p>My first thought, and one that might distract the adcomms is very basic: What game were you playing? I could not get past that question in my head as I continued to read the essay. You might spend three words or so letting the reader know the game so that he/she is not distracted by the same thing I was.</p>

<p>You have a wonderful gift for observation; while reading, I felt the truth and sadness of your friendship with Wan. I don't get a strong feeling of you as an individual, however. Can you rethink the point of view of your essay in order to make it more about yourself? I know that many girls don't think of themselves as the center of the universe, but, when you are writing an admissions essay, you do need to be the center of attention! Good luck, and keep trying.</p>

<p>midwesterner,thx for your encouraging reply
its the most motivating one i have got from all replies.
thx again.
you are right.
i am still brainstorming my official essay.i will try to be more personal,revealing more of myself in my essay.
i love your saying"the center of attention", which wiped out my hesitation to tell myself.</p>

<p>I get the sense that you value your friendships, that you have a big heart, you value your history, and you feel the loss of your friend. The essay shows great sensitivy. I as though you have conveyed part of your personality. JMO, but overally, I liked it. The grammer I will leave to you and your English teacher.</p>

<p>I think this is a good beginning, but agree I found the opening dialog confusing and thought somehow there needed to be a bit more of "what I learned from this experience". I don't think I'd emphasize the "I don't believe in God" aspect so much as the idea that life deals you the unexpected and you have to learn how to make the best of the good times and cherish the memories. (Without being quite as cliched as I am being!) I like the ending very much. There are a few small grammar glitches, but since you should rewrite a bit more I won't touch on them now. There were at least as many in the replies by the way! Your English flows very well.</p>

<p>I am glad so many folks responded to your essay. I would just suggest that, in the future, you post asking if anyone would like to review your essay and then PM it to them.</p>

<p>I think it is risky to post your essay on the Internet. Unfortunately, other people plagiarize.</p>

<p>Uh ... what is the essay question?</p>