<p>Time makes grieving disappear in most of the cases. When my D broke up with her boyfriend, her decision hurt me very much because I didn?t think that was possible to happen with them after being happily together for the last thousand days. I tried to be supportive to both of them, even more with the boy that showed to be devastated and falling into depression (and he is three years older than my D). When his mother wrote to me saying that she wanted to stop our friendship because she disagreed with the way I raised my D, I kept away from the whole family hoping that it would be until they realized that they are teenagers, and the world shouldn?t fall apart because they broke up. Busy with my own life, this episode was no longer in my mind until recently. Weeks ago I ran into this boy?s dad at the supermarket (we used to be close friends), happy to see him, I went to greet him, and he avoid eye contact and walked out. Maybe he didn?t see me, but I was less than six feet away from him. Two weeks ago, my D was one of the main characters at the school musical, and of course, I had to see her the three days! So had my old friends. They went there even when they don?t have kids at school anymore nor know the younger kids. At the beginning I was glad to see them, I thought that their ?grieving period? was over, but I was wrong. They congratulated every cast member skipping my D that was with them. They greeted parents they don?t even know, but they skipped us. This Friday, there will be a concert and my D is the soloist singer in the jazz band. She was selling the tickets (it?s a fundraising), and these people already bought them. Why they do this? Should I confront them and ask what is what they want? Or should keep apart expecting the best? I don?t want my D to be hurt; she was very upset last time she saw them.</p>
<p>This is a difficult situation. If these people are having trouble dealing with reality, I would avoid them until they can grow up and behave properly.</p>
<p>We have been lucky–my kids’ HS boy & girl friends all had nice parents that we enjoyed seeing, even after the breakups. We all agreed our kids were terrific, even if not perfect for each other over the long term.</p>
<p>Something about the circumstances of the breakup (or the impression – accurate or otherwise – that they received about the circumstances of the breakup) has led these people to have a negative impression of your daughter and your family’s values.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s something that can be corrected.</p>
<p>Neither you nor your D has any control over the other family’s inexplicable behavior. What you do have control of are your own actions. All I can suggest is that you do your best to feel sorry for them or to hold kind thoughts for them despite their behavior because obviously they have some major problems with how they deal with situations.Understandably, their behavior hurts you and your D. However, their behavior is their decision and there’s nothing you can do about it. It might not even have anything to do with you or D. Frankly, it sounds far from the norm like that family has some very big problems totally unrelated to you or D.</p>
<p>All you can do is rise above their behavior, and enjoy and appreciate the situations and friends/family who do help you feel supported and happy. ou don’t have to let that one family ruin what could be nice experiences for you and D.</p>
<p>What you need to do is change your expectations about them</p>
<p>If you expect nothing, you will not be disappointed</p>
<p>Somethings to think about:</p>
<p>What did th ex tell his parents
No offense, but I often wonder about HS couples and a three year age difference, no matter how swell the girl is, the maturity of the guy is a question for me
They may be embarrassed by what they said</p>
<p>Whatever it is, you have to consider them gone</p>
<p>Its as if they broke up with D themselves and haven’t gotten over it</p>
<p>And again, no offense, but why should HER decision as a HSer breaking up hurt MOM so much…hsers are supposed to break up, its natural</p>
<p>I guess I’m kind of hung up on the age difference. He’s three years older, she’s still in high school, and they dated three years and broke up a while ago. I’d be thanking my lucky stars that my daughter got out of that relationship. Particularly, knowing what you know now about the parents. As long as the parents and boy are not making trouble for your daughter, you’re just going to have to get past your hurt at their rejection, because in all honesty, I’d be concerned about fostering a new relationship with them at this point anyway. It sounds like you truly liked the boy and his family, but clearly there’s something wrong, and it’s best to keep your daughter at a safe distance.</p>
<p>Why do parents make such a big deal out of teenage relationships? Jeez.</p>
<p>(I’m not referring to you, Cressmom, I’m talking about the other family and its cold shoulder.)</p>
<p>smile at them, wave, and walk on. </p>
<p>teenagers are supposed to date and break up and move on. it’s part of learning. obviously they are taking it personally and are chosing to be unkind. don’t react that way. smile, wave, walk on and leave the poor behavior to them. rise above it and move on. maybe they will be able to do that someday.</p>
<p>Agreed with the above. You can also use this as a teaching moment for your D. She can’t change their attitude; she can just change how she reacts to them. She now sees what immature grown ups are like; if she can protect herself from them, she’s ahead of the game. </p>
<p>I feel sorry for the parents; they seem to be stuck in high school themselves! They may also, for whatever reason, believe that your D’s behavior “caused” their S’s depression. (Of course, whatever happened, they’re wrong about that!) I find that happens with parents who are in denial about problems their own kids are having, but need someone to “blame.” Unfortunately, they’ve chosen your D, but you can explain to her that this is their problem, not hers.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Funny. This happened to me in high school. I broke up with my girlfriend with whom I decided I had nothing in common. Her parents gave me the cold shoulder afterwards, and she snubbed my mother!</p>
<p>Of course, I was young. I didn’t handle it well. I chose a strategy that I thought would minimize the hurt. It may well have maximized it.</p>
<p>Who knows how your daughter handled it. Maybe she handled it very well and maybe she didn’t. In the end, it doesn’t really matter for your situation. I’m with the person who said, “Smile, wave, and move on.”</p>
<p>Thank you all of you for your words. I loved that boy very much, he was like my own son 24/7/365 at home with us, but I already moved up and I can still cherish the good moments we had with him; I would like for these people to feel the same, they shouldn’t believe that my D was the one when she didn’t feel that, she was only 16 years old and she wasn’t ready for the boy’s demands. My D loved him very much, it wasn’t easy for her to take the decision, she was hurt by it and we were hurt to see her suffering, but she grew up from that experience and she is happy and confident now. I think the boy is ok too as any 20 years old should be (and they will be together at college anyway, we like it or not)
I will have to stop whining and be happy watching the concert in the second row behind them ;).</p>
<p>Teens entering into intense relationships and parents buying into those relationships (both hallmarks of baby boomer parenting, IMHO) can often lead to extremely bad feelings and worse. Through their son’s relationship this family has gained an unfavorable impression of your parenting, whether justified or not. Time will help ease their feelings, but the friendship is probably beyond salvaging.</p>
<p>I wonder sometimes if kids stay in relationships for too long because they don’t want to hurt the parents’ feeling and disappoint them.</p>
<p>In some cases I bet the kids get over the relationships faster than Mom and Dad, the opposite of what it should be</p>
<p>He was, what 19 when the breakup happened? </p>
<p>Egad, and they will be at college together? Hopefully its a big school</p>
<p>I don’t think parents of HSers should invest so much in their child’s relationships, if a parent loves that boy like a son, that puts undue pressure on the girl…I thnk parents can care about the significant other, but at this age, no way should they feel he is like their own child, because then the girl, if she wants to break it off, get some space, etc., may feel she is hurting her parents by puting the boy, their “other child” out of their lives</p>
<p>This isn’t directed at the OP, but for other parents to consider</p>
<p>Many parents don’t handle this well, especially if their kid is the hurt party, the one who was (I hate this word >) dumped. What can you do. Be cordial. We had a similar situation where the other parents actually tried to cause trouble by going to the school administration with some trumped up charges!!! But we took care of that pretty easily.</p>
<p>I can imagine how hard this must be when you were such close friends with the parents. It’s kinda childish of them. Maybe the breakup was rough, especially if the boy became clinging and pleading; maybe your D had to eventually sound forceful and cold, just to make sure it ended, maybe? and that makes those parents angry; maybe the parents intervened on his behalf (yuck) and she had to be straight/blunt and they couldn’t handle it. No matter what, it’s been long enough ago, that they should get over it.</p>
<p>How in the heck is your D choosing to go to the same college. That’s what I can’t get over. not that she should restrict her choices, but still…</p>
<p>Anyhow, i would not confront these people. You are done with them. There is nothing you can do, you will never have the same relationship again after their attitude. i would just nod cordially if I caught their eye in public, even if they did not acknowledge.</p>
<p>cressmom, I reread your old posts about this “family”- run from them…after reading what you said about their lack of respect for your parenting, the note from the mom…the cruelty of the boy and the school formal, etc…I would want nothing to do with them and am not at all suprised they are “snubbing” you</p>
<p>You are better off without them in your life and you are a good person and can’t see how not good they were…</p>
<p>Go back a bit and see how they and their son treated you and your family…do you really care whether they are social with you?</p>
<p>I may sound harsh, but sometimes you have to let go of “sick” people, and while some parts were good, the bad parts were not worth it.</p>
<p>CGM and chocoholic, you both made very good points. My D and her long term BF broke up last year. He was my S’s good friend too, and had spent more time at our house than at his own. I sensed his feelings had begun to change for my D but it was a shock to her when he told her they were over as a romatic couple. I suppose he thought it would be an easy transition for my D but it wasn’t. I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable in her own home, and I had to tell XBF that it wasn’t OK for him to just pop in and hang out like he had been doing for years. It was traumatic for everyone, and HS breakups shouldn’t be that way. He was hurt that he had “lost” his second family, S was upset that his friend wasn’t around a lot, and my younger S lost a big “brother” AND golfing instructor. We were all too intertwined. Now I’m laying groundrules with my younger ones that there will be no dating the kids who hang out here a lot. No “office romances” here anymore! ;)</p>
<p>Intertwined, what a good description…</p>
<p>there has to be some space, and that way, there is a perspective.</p>
<p>if a parent is too close to the person, they may miss changes, they don’t hae that distance, and they may be afraid of losing their own relationships, with the ex and the parents, and not really see what is going on with their own child</p>
<p>And in the case of luckysmom, the brother should be there for his sister, not focused on the ex…</p>
<p>And good for you, luckysmom, for seeing it the way you did…and setting some boundaries</p>
<p>Can I add another perspective? I went “steady” all 4 yrs of hs… great guy…my family loved him…his family was great to me… we broke up freshman year of college…I was living in a coed dorm…he was at a military academy…our worlds could not be different… he married one of my best friends from hs… I was not invited to the wedding…which was completely understandable…XMAS cards and calls when relatives passed away… fast forward now 30++ yrs… I saw him last fall at a hs reunion… he was polite to everyone…including me…and finally I told him I would like to have a more direct conversation…I told him that I was a fortunate young lady to have known him and had him as my hs boyfriend…that he was a wonderful guy and that over the years I cited him as an example of mr. behaves right… knows how to treat a lady kind of guy…and that I wanted him to know that he should be proud of who he was and who he is…those comments really helped blow away all the years of defenses and we got to chat… a lot about our families… my parents died years ago (25+) and it was really a gift to me to have that conversation provide a bridge back in time to my “family” as seen thru his eyes… cause he really knew them. </p>
<p>My feeling is that Cressmom and her daughter both loved this kid… for the right reasons at the right time… Cressmom’s daughter grew to want to explore others/more and she was honest with him… his mom’s note and their family behavior is all defensive because their son was hurt… I vote for Cressmom and daughter to just take the high road and try to low profile their behaviour around them…because slowly over time, the other family may resurface and remember the good times… and if they are all lucky, then maybe 30+ years from now, they may be able to reminisce and have their hearts touched again…send good vibes the way of the other family, show them how to remain open to a friendship…and perhaps they will follow your lead?? </p>
<p>I know my life is better because of a great friendship at a formative age… I am grateful that he was a good guy then and now… and I wish that Cressmom’s daughter can know she will have that perspective some day too…</p>
<p>Teenage courtships are a natural part of life. Those parents obviously don’t think of it that way. Their deal, not yours. Explain that to your daughter. Having a bf or gf in highschool and moving on is normal. 40 year olds who don’t understand this have a peter pan complex or something. It’s too bad for their son. He’s the one whose going to suffer- they’re not helping.</p>
<p>My daughter started dating a boy when she was 15, and he 18. I didn’t approve and insisted on them being at my house most of the time so I could keep an eye on things. As a result I became close to him but never got involved with his family (think goodness) or felt that they were right for each other. He was hyperactive, too emotionally clingy and I suspected ADHD or something similar. When D decided to break up 2 years later (she was just a HS junior at the time) he was devastated. He went into a tailspin that resulted in therapy and meds and it’s come back to me that his family blames my daughter for his breakdown but it’s obvious to me he had problems that had never been properly addressed. After the breakup he called me daily, sometimes many times a day, to talk. I let him because I was a bit nervous he might do something drastic, and suggesed he seek help and talk to his own parents as well. Eventually he stopped calling and a year or so later I ran into him and his dad at a store. When they saw me they both walked out without saying anything and I accepted that. It’s sad how hurt people get but I don’t know any sure fire ways of avoiding it.</p>