<p>I’m surprised at how many parents feel obligated to pay for their children’s nonessentials. We are well off financially and paying full freight for our daughter’s education. She has had to work since 16 and save money for college. She is also required to come up with $10000 a year either through scholarships or work. This is her freshman year and she came up with $12000. Any spending money that she needs is her problem.</p>
<p>Sue, it is unlikely that your son is going to get the funds for a $30K a year education. When you get your EFC, you’ll find out how much federal methodology says you should pay. Doesn’t mean you have to pay it. It also gives you an idea what the govt will pay for your son’s education, including loans. The rest of the need money will come from the college itself, and most colleges that fulfill 100% of need will require an additional form which will want to know about the father’s financials. You need to ask the colleges where your son is applying what you need to do get this other parent out of the process. </p>
<p>Despite what the EFC may be, many families have an amount they are willing to spend for college. You would not be unusual in that situation. When your son picks a college, he needs to find a gameplan to get the costs down to what you are willing to pay plus what is reasonable to borrow, and what he will be able to earn during each year. That will be his financial safety school. When the EFC figure comes in, he can look for schools that will likely meet a portion of his need as few schools give 100% of EFC and build his loans, earnings and your contribution around that and pick his financial matches and reaches that way. If schools can truly be convinced that the father is out of the picture, and if your son has some PROFILE and other financial app schools on his list, there is usually a greater chance of more generous aid, perhaps 100%. Also there may be schools where he is in the top 10% or better that give merit money, that can be possibilities. He should also apply for local scholarships that may decrease his loan amounts. </p>
<p>Young men and forms are often like oil and water. I had to be the straw boss in getting my sons’ paperwork completed. Some parents end up doing a lot of the work. Some kids need that extra help or push for a while. It is really a matter of parenting style. There are also parents who feel strongly that the kid’s gotta do it all if he wants anything, and that too may work, though it may mean he doesn’t go anywhere next year, and you’ll have to wait till he gets motivated enough to do the necessary paperwork to go to college. My personal opinion is that unless you feel he is truly unqualified to go to college, you may want to get involved in getting his paperwork completed. Unfortunately, I know a number of folks with a kid lying on the sofa doing little after highschool, perhaps working a menial job and living for a few hours of night life with friends. Maybe these kids will wake up on their own and work towards something with more of a future; maybe not. If you can stand it, try it. I could not.</p>
<p>“How to deal with this? My son will be graduating in June and is applying to schools whose total cost is 45K. Only one would be about 30K. I have given him some forms to fill out for potential scholarships (one from my employer and one from my life insurance company). They aren’t really involved forms, yet he is totally disinterested in even applying for them. All the $$ he made last year was spent on clothes (who really needs 17 pairs of shorts and 13 polo shirts just to name a small portion of his stuff).”</p>
<p>How to deal with it? Tell him the amount of money that you’re willing to pay each year toward his college costs. Tell him any restrictions on that such as if he has to maintain a certain gpa. Let him know that he’s responsible for raising the rest through scholarships, loans, working, etc. Put this in writing.</p>
<p>If he applies so that he only gets into schools that would cost beyond what you’re willing to pay, that’s his problem. He can take a gap year and work to try to fill the gap or he can apply to cheaper schools. Assuming that he learns in April that he only has expensive options, then the cheaper schools that he’d have to apply to probably would be community colleges. </p>
<p>He may try to manipulate you into paying for the more expensive colleges, but you’d have made your plans clear, so if he would have no one to blame but himself if community colleges are his only options come April.</p>
<p>I think it’s really important for students to take some financial responsibility for pursing their dreams. The fact that your S isn’t bothering to even fill out easy scholarship forms indicates to me that he’s either very selfish (in that he thinks it’s perfectly fine for you to bust butt to pay for his college while he does nothing) he’s not that interested in college. He may be the type of person who needs to take time off after high school to find out whether college is something that he is truly interested in. No matter how smart he is, if he’s not really interested in the academics of college, he could go there and just party and flunk out as my older S did despite being brilliant and going to a college that he loved (unfortunately for the wrong reasons – the climate and fact that it was best in the country in one of his favorite sports).</p>
<p>sueinphilly - all you can do is tell him what you can and will pay and make sure he understands he is responsible for coming up with the rest. Does not sound like he is ‘hearing’ you right now so he may be in for a pretty tough reality check in a short while. Sounds like he needs to apply to at least one financial safety. We are older parents - Dad is retired - so will not take out loans as there is no way we can pay them off. Our D understands this and we have explained that there is a certain amount we can pay so she is applying for scholarships and also plans to work summers plus take advantage of federal work study which we think she will qualify for. Our hope is that she comes out of college without loans or at least minimal ones. I think there is a limit to what schools will give out in loans. I hope so - the thought of your son starting life with $120,000 in loans is apalling. If you have not already done so Sit him down now and explain the facts of life to him including how onerous such a debt will be. Be firm about what you can afford. You are entitled to protect your own future.</p>
<p>"Young men and forms are often like oil and water. I had to be the straw boss in getting my sons’ paperwork completed. Some parents end up doing a lot of the work. Some kids need that extra help or push for a while. It is really a matter of parenting style. "</p>
<p>From my experience, there’s a good chance that a student who can’t get their college paperwork done without their parent structuring their time is not ready for college, where they’d have to prepare for exams and write papers and do lab experiments without the prof giving them the kind of structure that occurs in h.s.</p>
<p>Older S claimed he wanted to go to college, and well meaning parent that I am, I did most of the research for him (based on his desires) and presented him with options that I thought he’d like and we could afford. I also structured his time so that he got his college and scholarship apps done well before their deadlines. When S ran into grade problems in h.s. senior year, my husband and I called a conference with all of his teachers. S didn’t bother to show up! Said he didn’t realize that he needed to be there. He ended up graduating by the skin of his teeth despite having some of the top scores in his class.</p>
<p>Older S then went off on virtually full scholarship to a college that he loved, didn’t bother to go to class, had a blast socializing, watching sports and wroking on the school newspaper, and flunked out despite entering with scores far higher than most of their students. </p>
<p>With younger S, I took him around to colleges, but left the application process itself in his hands. He stared at the computer for hours, saying he was working on apps, but managed not to get any in by their deadlines. Afterward, however, he quickly managed to get an Americorps position, which he has enjoyed this year.</p>
<p>He also ran into grade problems senior year. Husband and I told him that if his grades remained bad, we would not pay for his first year of college. He’d have to pay for it, and if he got a 3.0 or higher, we’d chip in for the next year. We also told him that we would not help him to apply for colleges.</p>
<p>I have noticed that S has been learning some important lessons in his Americorps job (He is doing Americorps while living home and paying $200 a month in rent – something we have told our kids they’d have to do if they were not fulltime students). He is finding out that in the real world, one has to write and turn things in things like grant applications on time (He has been a major procrastinator, and almsot didn’t graduate from h.s. because of a backlog of papers that he ended up having to do at the last minute). He also has found out that he has to get to work on time (He had gotten an “F” in his first period class because he was constantly late).</p>
<p>Anyway, S has applied to colleges with no help from us. He actually seems proud of what he has accomplished. I am guessing that he’ll end up living at home and going to our local second tier public, where he can get a full tuition scholarship based on his grades and scores. In the past, he had said he wanted to go out of state to an “excellent” private college, but I don’t feel bad that he probably won’t achieve that dream. He has created his own options, and I don’t see any reason to jump in and provide money when S didn’t do what he was capable of doing academically.</p>
<p>It’s important for our students to learn life isn’t a fairytale. Wishes don’t come true because you dream them, but because you work hard to attain them. Parents are not fairy godmothers.</p>
<p>I agree with you, NSM, that there are many kids, seems to be mainly males, that are not ready to go on to college, and for the parent to do the work and get them out there is a formula for failure and a waste of money. I also know of many, many young men who are in college, or have graduated from college only because of some intervention of their lazy ways by parents who wanted them in college. Sometimes that extra push does the job. My good friend’s oldest son, just could not get his act together for college apps, and in desperation at the 11th hour, she and her husband made him do with a lot of help from them. They were not proud of their part in this process, in fact, they were very upset. And worried that if he did get into college that he would just waste the money it would cost. Well, he did get in, went, did reasonably well, and is now in law school. Sometimes it does pay to jump into the process; sometimes not. I think the parent has to make that determination, and there are risks either way you go. Sometimes just for family dynamics it is better to send the danged kid off and cross your fingers, because it does not seem to be a good situation having him around. That your son completed an Americorp form and went through that process himself, getting a job there, is great. That is quite an accomplishment in my eyes. Sometimes they don’t get the job apps done either, and it forces some hard decisions and possibly some drastic action that most of us just don’t want to do; ie kicking out the bum. It is preferable to send him off to a college, if you can get him into one, and it just might work out.</p>
<p>sueinphilly – the schools will not lend your son $30K a year, nor should any young person be expected to borrow that. If you qualify for financial aid, he may get around $7000 (at most) in subsidized loans for his first year, and up to around $5000 in work study money. Work-study still leaves the student with the burden of finding a campus job and working the requisite hours, so it is very common that students are not able to earn the full amount of their awards. If your son goes to a school that guarantees to meet full need, then the school will make up whatever the difference is between your EFC & the loans/work study in grants – but they will decide what the EFC is – they will ask for info and consider assets beyond what is on the FAFSA. </p>
<p>If your son is graduating this June and has already applied to colleges, this is a conversation that should have taken place between you and your son last August – before he finalized his list. I have been around this board, off and on, since its inception many years ago, and every spring we see kids who have managed to get into their dream colleges, but can’t afford it – and are finding out for the first time that their parents are not willing to pay an amount that makes attendance possible. </p>
<p>I don’t think that parents are obligated to pay for college educations for their kids – but I think in fairness it is a parental obligation to be clear about what they will contribute before the kid starts sending in applications. I mean, the bottom line, a teenager may have no idea as to what their parents finances are like unless we tell them. I made a dentist appointment for my daughter while she was home over winter break and had a conversation with her this week about what it cost – she was shocked! (She said the appointment lasted 20 minutes and she only had her teeth cleaned - she thought it would cost around $30 – I said I thought the bill would be at least $75… but it arrived today and it was $110). Of course I am happy to pay for my daughter to go to the dentist twice a year, but the point is that if I suddenly decided that she had to bear that expense on her own, she would be in for a very rude awakening. </p>
<p>Back to the point: it is good that you are thinking about this issue now – but you are late in the process, and in April you are probably going to find yourself either making an adjustment in the amount you are willing to pay or borrow, or possibly leaving your son without the ability to attend college because it will be too late for him to apply to the types of colleges where he might get generous merit aid. There are many bright kids on this board who could qualify for Ivy League colleges, but have opted for far less prestigious universities where they have generous merit awards — but it sounds like your son may not have known that is where he needed to be looking. </p>
<p>Obviously, late is better than never – so maybe you can sit your son down this weekend and have that talk. There are still colleges with later application dates – and fortunately the less selective colleges are also the ones that tend to have later deadlines. Your son needs a financial safety – a college that he knows he can get into and he knows he can afford, no matter what. For my kids, that was our in-state public. My daughter was lucky enough to get generous need-based aid from a top private college – but we couldn’t count on that. </p>
<p>The problem is – if you haven’t run your numbers with an online financial aid calculator – it is very likely that you have an unrealistic idea of what your EFC will be. If you think you can afford $9000 a year, I’ll bet that the colleges think you can throw in $20,000 – I don’t know if that’s the case – I’m just trying to get across how important it is to check out the real numbers rather than sitting back and hoping things will work out.</p>
<p>I’m not trying to be harsh – just trying to present a dose of reality now, since it is better to face up to this in the first week of January than the last week of April.</p>
<p>"Your son needs a financial safety – a college that he knows he can get into and he knows he can afford, no matter what. "</p>
<p>Adding to Calmom’s excellent advice; Your S also needs to be willing to go to that school, and to feel that school is a place that he’d enjoy for 4 years. It’s not enough to find any affordable college that he knows he’ll gain acceptance to.</p>
<p>That being said, I don’t believe that there’s one perfect college for any student. There typically are a range of colleges that would be good fits, and where students would be happy and academically fulfilled. There’s still time to find affordable schools for your son where he knows he’ll gain acceptance and would get a good education that he’d enjoy receiving.</p>
<p>thanks for the feedback. I just did the Fafsa and it says my EFC is almost 12K. that is very funny. I probably should have lied and said I have less in the bank (57K). I can’t lie about my salary(agi 52K with additional 9K for retirement). Would my EFC be the same for a 30k school as it would for a 45K school? I guess as my college expenses go up and my savings go down, sucessive years would have a lower EFC. </p>
<p>I have been TRYING to talk to him for months. I know he wants to get away from me (we have always had a strained relationship). He considers my actions (telling him to fill out the forms) harrassment and verbal abuse. </p>
<p>My son is very smart. Highest Sat scores were 790 math, 740 verbal, 720 verbal. He says he wants a Phd in mathematics. But he is the laziest person on the planet. I don’t need for him to be a perfectionist, but he really only does the minimum of anything at the last possible minute. He’s still got all A’s and B’s. (at a magnet school in Philadelphia, Pa where not anyone can get into). I have not been able to motivate him to try his best. Minimal effort is for losers and slackers. I believe in giving whatever you do, your best. Don’t need to be perfect, just try hard. Is that so wrong?? I don’t care if you are a trash collector or a brain surgeon, sloppy and lazy are not good traits, IMNSHO</p>
<p>I don’t know what he thinks is going to happen. He hasn’t even been accepted anywhere yet (got deferred from Harvard EA). He has serious delusions of grandeur. I mean you don’t apply to Harvard unless you think you are at the pinnacle. The other schools he’s applying are Univ of Pa, Columbia, Boston U and NYU. Rutgers is the ‘safety’ and cheapest school.
As far as boys and forms, I’m an adult and I don’t like them either, but they are a necessary evil for many things. Anybody every get a job without some paperwork?? </p>
<p>I have begged him to talk to ANY adult. </p>
<p>Thanks for letting me vent 
I’m going to send my son this link (and he probably won’t bother to read it).</p>
<p>here’s what he wrote for his “what do you do for fun” Univ of Penn Essay: any typos are his, not mine. Not all his essays are this lame, but I thought this was inappropriate</p>
<p>When is snows, I go down to Toys R Us, buy a skateboard, and I then take off the deck and wheels (everything but the
actual board). Then my friends and I, all our with “snowboards” go to the park and “snowboard” until it gets too cold to move or until our pants soak through. Then I always give my snowboard to one of the neighborhood kids to use, because it always makes them very happy.</p>
<p>I am VERY open about my finances. I tell my son how much I make, how much I get to keep and what it costs to live in this house. I am very organized and financially responsible (okay, CHEAP). He knows how much his contact lenses cost, what our copays for doctors are, and how much things cost in general. HE doesn’t care. </p>
<p>It is tearing me apart to see someone so smart be so lackadaisical. If someone just gave him a dorm key and a schedule, that would be fine with him.</p>
<p>There is only so much I can do in filling out forms for him. Mostly everything has to be sent from the school because they need to include the transcript and that isn’t given out to the parents. So even if I filled out the form and wrote the essay (which I would never do because this kid can write well when he wants to - he won a walt whitman poetry contest and immediately spend the prize on clothes) he still would need to take the paperwork to school.</p>
<p>Wow, Sue, I see a major train wreck coming in your situation. </p>
<p>Since your son is so math oriented, how about an Excel spread sheet with each school’s estimated cost of attendance (COA) from their web site, the FAFSA and IM-Profile EFCs for comparison, but more importantly your actual intended FC (something I just made up, AIFC), and the resulting gap that he has to fill with grants, scholarships, work and loans. If the safety is already funded through your AIFC, color that one green. For the dream schools with unfilled gaps, color those red.</p>
<p>Hand him this with the unfilled forms, tell him how much you hate all the arguing, tell him you respect that he wants to be more in control of his own future, and that he should let you know if he has any questions or needs your help with anything.</p>
<p>I’m now working with my youngest spawn on her freshman college apps. Her older brothers got real serious about colleges in their day after I sent them to an overnight recruiting function at their financial safety, Texas A&M, called “Whoopin Weekend.” <a href=“- Texas A&M University”>- Texas A&M University; One came back totally sold on A&M, and I had to actually talk him into what I thought was a better option. The other came back and said his safety was now UT and asked for those forms I wanted him to fill out. The point is this was a 3-day intensive reality check for them. Maybe there is something similar for your safety school?</p>
<p>Hi Sue,</p>
<p>Keep in mind that most of the schools (exception maybe NYU) will require you to file the CSS profile in addition to FAFSA so your EFC may change.</p>
<p>At minimum you file the FAFSA (at almost every school) to determine your eligibility for federal aid (Pell/ seog grants, stafford and perkins loans). The CSS profile is used at different colleges that distribute their own institutional aid.</p>
<p>Many schools that use a federal methodology to determine EFC will require only the FAFSA. Schools that use an instutional methodology or a combination of the 2 will require the CSS profile or their won FA forms.</p>
<p>Differences between the IM and FM models are</p>
<p>IM collects information on estimated academic year family income, medical expenses, elementary and secondary school tuition and unusual circumstances. FM omits these questions.</p>
<p>IM considers a fuller range of family asset information, while FM ignores assets of siblings, all assets of certain families with less than $50,000 of income, and both home and family farm equity.</p>
<p>FM defines income as the ?adjusted gross income? on federal tax returns, plus various categories of untaxed income. IM includes in total income any paper depreciation, business, rental or capital losses which artificially reduce adjusted gross income.</p>
<p>FM does not assume a minimum student contribution to education; IM expects the student, as primary beneficiary of the education, to devote some time each year to earning money to pay for education.</p>
<p>FM ignores the noncustodial parent in cases of divorce or separation; IM expects parents to help pay for education, regardless of current marital status.</p>
<p>FM and IM apply different percentages to adjust the parental contribution when multiple siblings are simultaneously enrolled in college, and IM considers only siblings enrolled in undergraduate programs.</p>
<p>The IM expected family share represents a best estimate of a family?s capacity (relative to other families) to absorb, over time, the costs of education. It is not an assessment of cash on hand, a value judgment about how much a family should be able to use current income, or a measure of liquidity. The final determinations of demonstrated need and awards rest with the University and are based upon a uniform and consistent treatment of family circumstances.</p>
<p>Except in the most extraordinary circumstances, Colleges classifies incoming students as dependent upon parents for institutional aid purposes, even though some students may meet the federal definition of ?independence.?</p>
<p>Students enrolling as dependent students are considered dependent throughout their undergraduate years when need for institutional scholarships is determined.</p>
<p>For institutional aid purposes a student may not ?declare? independence due to attainment of legal age, internal family arrangements, marriage or family disagreements.</p>
<p>Your COA (cost of attendance) is tuition, room board, books travel expenses and some misc. expenses associated with attending college.</p>
<p>Your son’s stats put him in the range of being possibly accepted to any of his schools, but no sure thing except for possibly Rutgers. As for financial aid, Sybbie’s post is golden since most of his choices will require PROFILE. Where I see an issue is that there is a non custodial parent looming in the background, and the way you look at his non support may not be the way the colleges will. That is going to be an issue, so you may want to talk to the high school counselor about how you can approach this when it arises. They tend to have experience with this situation as it is unfortunately a common one. </p>
<p>Given that your son has already filled out an app, sent it in, etc, he will likely complete what he needs to do, especially if you remind him regularly, trying to keep the emotion out of it. You can also collect material from Temple and some PA schools, and keep it around without saying anything to him. With his stats, he should be able to get something from Pitt and your EFC would give you money from the state of PA for financial aid as well. It’s late, but he may want to give Penn State a quick app as a financial safety, though Pitt is better for money with his numbers. </p>
<p>I have found that with recalcitrant boys, especially ones who do not have good rapport with me (yep, my sons), it is better to quietly collect the info that they should have and just know it myselves so those alternatives are there to give ME peace of mind. THey have often ended up on a path that I investigated and discovered, once the time comes where push comes to shove. Yes, I hate living that way, but it’s their lives too, and they will and do pay the consequences of not putting the time into checking out alternatives and doing things in a timely manner. I would go nuts, however, just sitting there and seeing nothing happen, so I find this a middle road. You have to find your middle road. There are parents, who have very successfully, sat and let the kids take the full consequences of their inaction. As earlier posts show, NSM’s son is having a great “gap” year working for Americorp, and will be in stronger shape for college which HE is now doing the work to attend as a wiser and more mature young man. It does not always work out that way. I’ve seen such slackers working part time and have to be very painfully ejected from the home, causing a major disruption in the well being of the family, plus an ache in the parents’ hearts that I cannot begin to describe. I have seen parents get involved in varying degrees all the way to full involvement, and sometimes those slackers just needed that jumpstart, and end up doing just fine in college. So you have to choose your involvement level, given who you and your son are, and there is no guarantee what you do is the right thing. </p>
<p>Wish you luck, and am hoping that your son is just the regular old procrastinator who will rise to the occaison before the deadlines, and get it together. Hopefully, all will work out with the aid, and if not a good safety is available. Being in an area filled with local alternatives, I think it 'll work out fine, though not necessarily the way you or he may have ideally wanted.</p>
<p>"My son is very smart. Highest Sat scores were 790 math, 740 verbal, 720 verbal. He says he wants a Phd in mathematics. But he is the laziest person on the planet. "</p>
<p>Time for him to learn the difference between fantasies and reality. Let him know – now – in writing what you are willing to pay. Let him know now – in writing what the consequences will be if he doesn’t get into any colleges that he can afford or likes, and then decides to not go to college next year.</p>
<p>To me, the appropriate consequence would be: If he chooses to live at home, he’d have to be employed fulltime and paying a reasonable amount of rent. If he chooses to move out (which he may do), he can support himself. Realize that if he moves out, he will not be on the street. Some friends will take him in and probably will kick him out if he doesn’t eventually contribute his share.</p>
<p>My S is doing a gap year with Americorps, making about $200 a week. He pays us $50 a week for rent plus $20 a week in gas for the car that he and I share. He pays for all of his clothes and personal expenses. We pay for his cell phone since it’s on our family plan. He has to continue doing his regular chores at home and to continue following our house rules. </p>
<p>My S had wanted to have his own place, which would have been fine with us. After, however, I showed him the classifieds, he realized that the cost would have been much more than he wished to pay, so he decided to stay at home, and has throughly lived up to his end of the bargain.</p>
<p>As is the case with your S, my very bright (760 v, 780 m) S also hates paperwork. Through his Americorps job – something he cares about deeply – he has learned that he can’t escape paperwork, and the real world doesn’t play with deadlines!</p>
<p>I find this Buddhist mantra very helpful in preventing my feeling responsible for other people’s lives and mistakes:</p>
<p>"?All beings are the owners of their karma. Their happiness
and unhappiness depends upon their actions, not upon my wishes for them.? </p>
<p>And do trust me: You are not alone at all in your concerns about your S. One of my friends is going through something similar with her two intelligent boys. IMO, the most important thing to do is to be very clear with your sons about your expectations and boundaries, and then don’t let the troubles that they cause themselves become your troubles.</p>
<p>The only way that some of our guys learn how to live thoughtful lives is by feeling the acute pain of the messes that they make for themselves. Their doing these things is not our fault.</p>
<p>“When is snows, I go down to Toys R Us, buy a skateboard, and I then take off the deck and wheels (everything but the actual board). Then my friends and I, all our with “snowboards” go to the park and “snowboard” until it gets too cold to move or until our pants soak through. Then I always give my snowboard to one of the neighborhood kids to use, because it always makes them very happy.”</p>
<p>Just wanted to add a positive slant to this since I don’t think it is nearly as dismal as you think. In a few words your S has managed to show: economy and innovation (using a cheaper alternative method to do an activity he enjoys), passion (staying outside until he turns cold or wet) and more importantly, compassion (letting other kids’ use the board because it makes them happy). There IS hope!!!</p>
<p>He does NOT want to live at home. That is a certain. </p>
<p>He knows what the costs are. I have told him. He is not uninformed in the least. </p>
<p>I will be sending the CSS (already did it for harvard back in november) to Penn, Columbia and BU. </p>
<p>I have seen this train wreck coming for YEARS. He didn’t just acquire lazy as a habit I ‘hound’ and ‘harrass’ him. I think he’s trying to punish me. I think a part of him thinks I will ‘cave’ and pay. NOT SO. I have told him that once he turns 18 (in Oct 07) then I am not legally liable for anything. </p>
<p>He is one of those boys that some parents would have held back from starting kindergarten because of age. But I couldn’t do that because he was so academically bored in preschool. He could benefit from a grade 13. But he doesn’t want to live at home a moment longer than necessary (he’d leave today if one of his friends parents would let him live there). </p>
<p>When I got him a cell phone (prepaid) a year plus ago, I told him it was for necessaties, not pointless blather. I find him using it in the house when the landline is free vs 10cents for every minute. I don’t want to commit to a plan and give him what he wants, a more unlimited plan (but of course he wants the extra text allotment too). And again, I tell him to get a JOB. He made 1K last year doing temp work for the IRS. Spent every penny on clothes. Now I don’t make him go naked, but I don’t think someone needs 12 hoodies, 25 tee shirts and 17 pairs of basketball shorts. So I pay my agreed allotment and he paid the rest. He has stuff he paid $60 for and doesn’t ever wear.</p>
<p>As for the noncustodial parent, I will be sending a letter to all the colleges that get the CSS and the ones that don’t too that there is no other parent at all. Eric never met his father and I have never gotten a dime from him. I wouldn’t be able to find him if it was a matter of life and death.</p>
<p>scansmom: thanks for the feedback. this is part of what is killing me. He is a great kid in so many ways. Doesn’t drink, smoke, sleep around. And he is SO smart. He doodles calculus?! I honestly think that we have always brought out the worst in each other (I share equal blame). I know he would be much happier away from me. He is being this way to Spite me. I am convinced of that.</p>
<p>He emphatically says NO to Penn State (doesn’t want a college only town) and Temple and Drexel too. Only reason to stay in Philly would be to go to U of P (in his opinion). I am having him apply to Albright as a ‘home state’ safety school. Not that it’s cheap, but any state money would be okay. I think I make too much for him to get stuff like Core Philly. Do people realize that you can gross 64K in a year, yet only bring home half of that to spend (My health insurance and flexible spending account is nearly 5K a year)? City wage another 4% of gross income. yes, I put a high $$ into retirement but that is because I have no husband and will never see an inheritance from my famiy.</p>
<p>“He is one of those boys that some parents would have held back from starting kindergarten because of age. But I couldn’t do that because he was so academically bored in preschool. He could benefit from a grade 13. But he doesn’t want to live at home a moment longer than necessary (he’d leave today if one of his friends parents would let him live there).”</p>
<p>He has lots in common with my older S, who skipped a grade, and could have skipped another grade, but my husband and I refused because we were concerned about his immaturity.</p>
<p>In trying to help him achieve his so-called dream of going far away to college back to the Midwest (He held a lot of anger at his dad and me for moving him out of the Midwest when he was 8), I did lots to structure his time so that he got into Midwestern colleges that we could afford and he would love.</p>
<p>With his disorganization,there’s probably no way that he would have gotten those college and scholarships in on time without my loving, well meaning, but very firm help.</p>
<p>And what happened? The kid who had literally despised anyone who used drugs or drank underage, went to college and started partying and flunked out. Unfortunately, due to his talents, despite his young age, he was able to find temporary professional jobs (paying $31,000 annually) that were also 3,000 miles from our home. After those jobs ended, he decided he’d pursue a punk rock career, and then spent his time partying and living with a well meaning childless, middleaged relative, who thought she was being nice to not charge him rent even though my husband and I told her that she needed to charge a reasonable rent so our son didn’t become a freeloader. After she retired and moved away, S woke up enough to move to another city and find a regular job, which from what he tells us in his rare communications, he’s still working.</p>
<p>If I could do it over, I would have held that bright young man responsible for organizing his college paperwork. If as a result, he didn’t get into college or didn’t get the scholarship help he would have needed, he would have had to deal with it probably by working and/or going to school while living at home or moving out and finding some employment in our hometown. It would have been very difficult for him to have moved far away, so he would have had to quickly come face to face with how his actions were causing him misery.</p>
<p>Instead, he somehow continues to feel like a success, so hasn’t yet felt the pain of his ill conceived actions. He also has been able to live in big city locations that offer far wilder lifestyle options than does our fairly conservative college town.</p>
<p>On the bright side – I know at least 2 ,middle aged college professors - one an economics prof, the other who recently wrote an award-winning novel – who are nice, good family men, good reputations in their field – who when in their late teens, early-mid 20s had the kind of lifestyle that my S has. There really is hope that smart, but lazy guys, can turn their lives around. What seems to do that, however, is their being smacked in the face by Life, not anything that their parents try to do to offer financial or organizational help.</p>
<p>sue</p>
<p>I’d guess a grade 13 would just be more of the same. He could be a kid who will be inspired and motivated by great profs, interesting peers and a good college environment IF he gets off his tail and gets reasonable apps in (reasonable financially as well). You are totally right to stand your ground about how much you can afford. Hugs to you–this must be painful to watch.</p>