<p>"If you’re sure that the diploma is all they’re withholding, you don’t have a problem. He will never need that piece of paper. "</p>
<p>There’s a chance he will need that piece of paper, so I think she should do what she needs to do (short of paying $250) to get it while the school still can find it.</p>
<p>It is not only the diploma being held hostage for $250. The final transcript won’t be sent to the college if this school is like my D’s.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t go in this case because the school was dishonest with your son. But I was in the same boat as your son, I was at my graduating HS for only for only one year. I had a lot more friends from church and stuff from the other high school that I was transfered from. I did atttend my high school graduation, but I did not attend my undergraduate or graduate school either. I think one graduation is enough. No regrets either.</p>
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<p>Do any of your son’s friends have digital cameras? In the hands of someone with a little practice, these can take very good pictures. </p>
<p>D. and her friends dressed up nice, went to a pretty place outdoors, and took turns taking each other’s “senior” pictures with her camera. They emailed them to Walmart (you can get different sizes, including wallet), and for about $10.00 each had all the gorgeous senior pictures they wanted. I think some kids who went the studio route paid up to $600.00.</p>
<p>I agree with the majority. It’s not important in itself, especially if it’s not important to your S.</p>
<p>My S’s graduation ended in a torrential downpour/blazing lightning storm twenty minutes after it began. He couldn’t have been happier.</p>
<p>Though that was fine for us, I did feel bad for those who were not moving on to college (and despite what one poster said, HS graduation is a big deal for a lot of kids–it may well be their only graduation, and they may know a lot of people who didn’t finish–we don’t all experience the same paths. End of sermon).</p>
<p>However, your S’s future with his new friends is obviously much more important to him–that’s what matters in his case.</p>
<p>And more importantly–the diploma issue is, I agree with others, the bigger one here. Their stance is outrageous, and i hope you can find some support to have this resolved in a reasonable way (not paying that money!)</p>
<p>I paid next to nothing for my D’s senior photos. My H and I took her to “The Picture Place” in our local mall. They do digital photos that are ready in about an hour. We had purchased a membership several months earlier for around $30. The membership entitled us to four sittings over a 12 month period and four 8X10s. My D brought a couple of changes of clothing with her to her senior photo sitting. (Having different poses in different outfits was the thing to do at her H.S.) D chose 2 photos after viewing her choices. We copied the photos at home on our printer in several different sizes. Had we not owned a printer we would have gone to Walmart and done as Conyat suggested.</p>
<p>I’m sorry that the OP’s school is holding her son’s diploma hostage. I hope that problem gets resoved quickly.</p>
<p>My H.S. seemed to fear that few students would voluntarily attend graduation. We were told that if we wanted to receive our diplomas, attendance at the graduation ceremony was mandatory. I would have skipped the ceremony if not for the threat. My parents had no qualm about my skipping graduation. However, we all agreed that I would go so that there would be no hassle in getting hold of the diploma. </p>
<p>I agree with SBMom’s assessment of graduation ceremonies. There were nearly 700 students in my graduating class. The graduation ceremony consisted of very brief remarks by an administrator and the endless reading of names. I was the class valedictorian - an honor in name only. No one ever gave a valedictory address at my H.S. It would have made the ceremony far too long! No students got any special recognition at graduation other than National Honor Society members wearing a different color collar than the other students and an asterisk by their names in the program. In a way, the top ten students in the junior class,who acted as the honorary marshalls for the senior class, received more recognition than any of the graduating seniors. The juniors had their names listed in the program along with an explanation of how they were chosen as marshalls. </p>
<p>For me, H.S. graduation was pretty meaningless. I would have preferred spending my afternoon watching a movie! It’s been 35 years since I graduated, and I have not changed my mind. I wouldn’t worry too much that the OP’s son will change his mind and regret not attending graduation sometime down the line. I happily skipped the graduation ceremonies for both my bachelor’s and master’s degrees. I’ve had no regrets!</p>
<p>The idea about borrowing a cap and gown to take a picture is a good one, if you want a “graduation” photo.</p>
<p>Normally I would say to tell your son just to go to the graduation, he might like it and worst case its 2 (or 3) hours out of his life. But since he has an outing with his new college frosh classmates at the same time… I’d let him skip graduation and go on the outing. Sounds like he’s thought this out pretty well.</p>
<p>Will there be someone at graduation trying to collect the money? I doubt it. They want all the other parents to be in happy-mode. Just go and deal with the administration later.
OTOH, if you decide to skip, have your son borrow a cap and gown from a friend for family photos in the living room and you can have your own ceremony… I skipped my college grad and had a blast posing in my son’s cap and gown 30 years later.</p>
<p>I think they might believe they can take liberties with your $250 because they’re a charter school. It’s part of the culture and it cuts both ways, since charters are “free” of accountability to unions, the district and so on. But that free they are not.
Every charter school has a board of trustees or directors, who are private individuals with the best interests of that school at heart. This includes its fiduciary responsibilities to families and reputation in the community. They also tremble at the possiblity of a letter to the editor or anything that upsets their public image, in my experience as a teacher in both public and charter settings.
Even if the school was chartered by another organization or university, somebody human is behind the sponsors, too.
I realize you don’t want to jeopardize your other child’s fate in the school. I can give you the pep talk about standing up for your family will make your younger child’s career there better, because they’ll know not to mess with you the next time around.
Most important is that your son is graduating and off to a solid future. But none of us at CC likes to hear about a family being ripped off by a school; I think I speak for others which is something not often done in these parts.
It just bothers the heck out of me.
I like the idea of finding people to communicate with the responsible trustees, as Northstarmom spelled out.
Best wishes and I’m sure you’re rightfully proud of your family!!</p>
<p>Alright, so here’s a followup. (And by the way, yes, they actually have someone at the graduation collecting money. They are giving the students their diplomas <em>after</em> the ceremony; students have to check in at a table and parent volunteers are going to check a list to verify that the student has no holds, and will then release the actual diploma.)</p>
<p>So, the deal is, the graduation is taking about 8 hours of the day tomorrow. We have to attend a mandatory lunch, then a rehearsal, then the students have other gatherings, then lining up, and two hours of ceremony, followed by a lengthy reception. They’re graduating 80 students, I think. They have this whole thing where the parents are escorting the student up to get their (stand in) diploma, and a slide show segment for each students, and some sort of speech or something by a teacher about that student, etc. My partner and I both had to take the whole day off from work for it. </p>
<p>Anyway, here’s what happened. I sent email saying that we were sorry, our family had decided they were not attending, in part because of the financial matter, and in part because my son wants to spend the time with his classmates. And when he went into school on Thursday, there was much gnashing and wailing and <em>serious</em> guilting that went on. The school called me repeatedly, and said that they never got my repeated messages about financial issues, and this was the first they’d heard of it. They have reversed position about the AP test fees. And when I said, “Well, my son still really wants to attend this other thing”, the administrators and stuff said that it was really unfair of my son, that the teachers had tried so hard to make him welcome and that it was selfish and thoughtless and disrepectful of him not to attend, and intimated that I was being a bad parent by not making him do it. </p>
<p>And <em>that</em> pretty much makes it clear that the graduation isn’t for him, it’s for all the people with these expectations who want to be appeased or whatever. So, anyway, I called my son and said, “Well, they’re saying this and that, and I am not pressuring you, but I do think it’s your decision to attend or not”. </p>
<p>And the bottom line is, they guilted us into attending. <em>sigh</em> But we have all agreed that we’re leaving as soon as possible, and I’ve arranged to have him driven up to join the other gathering, already in progress. </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s an issue of us being ripped off. I think that the process for AP exams is very new for the school, – last year was the first year anyone took any – and that they’re still working out the financial process for that. But there’s a lot of this kind of stuff when you’re dealing with small schools, and I’ve come to understand that it’s just part of the whole thing. Like working at a startup vs. working at a big established company.</p>
<p>PS: As far as the cap n gown thing, they’re providing them – I think they’re renting – so the students haven’t had them in advance. They are not allowing any pictures during the event, but will have a photographer taking pictures of each student, or something. </p>
<p>The whole thing is very scripted, with very heavy parent involvement, committees, that sort of thing.</p>
<p>"And the bottom line is, they guilted us into attending. <em>sigh</em> But we have all agreed that we’re leaving as soon as possible, and I’ve arranged to have him driven up to join the other gathering, already in progress. "</p>
<p>No, they didn’t “guilt” you into attending. You are guilting yourself into attending.</p>
<p>You still could simply not go. From what you’ve described here, there is absolutely no reason for you and your son to go. You have been treated horribly by the school. You don’t owe them anything. You do owe your son a pleasant day and pleasant memories. From what you’ve described, attending the graduation won’t be pleasant for either of you.</p>
<p>Your and your son’s absence won’t hurt your younger son either. The people at the school know very well that they treated you wrong. They are lying to you, too, about the messages. The more you stand up for yourself, the greater the chance that they won’t attempt to mistreat your younger son.</p>
<p>I strongly suggest that you take a close look at the lesson that by going you’ll be teaching your S: That people can walk all over him, treat him horrendously, yet he should give up his plans and his desires to do what they want. </p>
<p>He is getting ready to go off to college. Is this the kind of lesson that you want to teach him as he leaves and learns more about living his own life?</p>
<p>As for the people at the school, the best thing that you can do for them is not show up. That will teach them how to best treat people.</p>
<p>You may remember that a few weeks ago, I posted about a dilemma I had: I had been asked to host a birthday party for a friend who was stressed and depressed due to lots of problems with her mentally challenged adult child, and I had said I’d do it if it was a potluck. The person who asked me went behind my back and told people to bring nothing: As a result, the birthday girl was having to cook for her own party.</p>
<p>Then, the person who had asked me to host the party told me about those plans 2 days before I was supposed to host the party. I was furious. I really wanted a potluck (which is a normal way of entertaining in the circle that would be invited), and I didn’t want my overworked, stressed, depressed friend having to cook for her own party. I felt, too, that I was being treated like a servant in my own home since I wasn’t being allowed to set the rules for how I’d entertain.</p>
<p>I ended up not hosting the party, and telling the person who had asked me, and the birthday girl (whom I didn’t blame at all) why.</p>
<p>I am so glad that I did that because I really was being used by the person who asked me. My close friendship has continued with the birthday girl. I now know the other woman well enough to realize that under no circumstances do I want to continue a friendship with her, though I remain pleasant to her. I also have found out that that woman had been causing all sorts of problems at our church due to her manipulative, controlling behavior.</p>
<p>I was brought up by a mother who focused on making other people happy even when they were mistreating me. No matter what people did to me, she would act like it was my fault, and if I were just nicer and more undertanding, everything would be fine.</p>
<p>As a result, I ended up having "friends’ who really witches, and boyfriends who were very selfish and narcissistic. Finally, I’ve learned to stand up for myself. It’s amazing what a load doing so lifts off my shoulders. I need not any more ignore my own desires in order to make happy people who are unkind and whom I don’t even like. </p>
<p>Anyway, I hope that you use this graduation as a way of letting your S know that when he’s mistreated, he needn’t cave in and make the others happy, but he should follow his own bliss. Taking such a step also would make your own life happier and less stressful.</p>
<p>I can not tell you how much it literally hurts me to hear that you and he may go to that graduation after how horrendously the school has treated you. You know they only care about their image, not about you and your S. Make that graduation a happy day by not going.</p>
<p>^___ 'nuff said.</p>
<p>graduation is very boring. nothing interesting happens.</p>
<p>
My son gave serious consideration to skipping his graduation for a variety of reasons. He eventually opted to attend. We were happy to support him either way, and though we didn’t make this choice, I don’t think that we would have regretted skipping the ceremony.</p>
<p>D wasn’t sure she wanted to go to her graduation, but she eventually did. She was just so ready to leave high school behind & get on with the rest of her life. Her friends talked her into going, and it wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be. We were glad she went, because we enjoyed seeing her & her friends graduate. </p>
<p>However, in your case, Trin, it doesn’t sound as if there is really a reason to bother going. D had 4 years of history, and she did have some good friendships in her school. She was less invested in that school than she had been in the public schools she had previously attended (regional, rather than local, school), so I understand your position. I can only imagine how little she might have cared about the ceremony a mere year after she switched in. Since you have decided to attend, though … enjoy it! Leave as soon as it’s over, if you want … don’t feel that you need to stick around. If you are having a nice time, though, stay for awhile. Play it by ear. Even if you don’t have an especially good time, you will at least have had the pleasure of watching your child celebrate a milestone in life … that can never be a bad thing. Let us know how it went!</p>
<p>After reading what you wrote, I would certainly skip in favor of the outing with the future college kids.</p>
<p>He is not bonded with the class so what is the point? </p>
<p>He won’t regret it.</p>
<p>I’d really like to second what Northstarmom said. This day is for the celebration of your son’s transition to adulthood. I don’t think there is any better way to do that than to go to the college welcoming (especially since he is getting a full ride to his dream school!). Going to this graduation would be appeasing people who have done nothing but make his and your life difficult. Adult life is not supposed to be about appeasing people, but forging your own path. </p>
<p>It’s also important to value the substance over the appearance. Really, the graduation is not important; it’s not a huge rite of passage for him. Going to college is.</p>
<p>I vote NO!</p>
<p>(Btw, if you read these messages after you have already gone, don’t feel guilty all over again. You are doing the best you can, under what seem to be difficult circumstances.)</p>
<p>im skipping my graduation today. it was postponed from yesterday because of rain…and i have much more exciting plans tonight. (a concert). graduation really doesn’t hold much sentimental value for me. my mom admitted that she was a little sad, though my father agreed with my decision.</p>
<p>My vote would be leave it up to your son … if he’d rather go to the event for his college support his decision. I know a bunch of people who skipped their HS graduation … in fact, many of my best friends are skip graduation types (I married one).</p>