If we skip graduation, will we regret it?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My family is considering not attending graduation – that is, my son would go do something else, and we wouldn’t go to the ceremony. Basically, he transfered to this high school for his senior year and never really felt part of the community of the school. It’s a small charter high school and this is the the first graduating class. The emphasis has been on how these students were the first students, have worked for 4 years, etc – none of which applied to my son. </p>

<p>On top of that, because the graduation is scheduled for Friday at 5 PM, family friends couldn’t attend, out of town family couldn’t attend – basically the only person attending is my partner’s mother, who my son barely knows. </p>

<p>And on top of <em>that</em>, the school pressured my son into taking AP exams after he told them we could not afford them – his teachers told him that the school would provide financial aid and didn’t want any student kept from taking them for financial reasons. AFTER the tests, the administration came back and demanded the money from my son. I contacted them and explained our financial situation, but they never got back to me. Yesterday, 3 days before graduation, an administrator told my son that he would not be given his diploma unless he paid the $250.00 for the AP tests. I don’t have that money, I’m not going to have any by Friday for this. That’s a week’s pay for me! </p>

<p>And finally, the local group of admitted students for my son’s new college are going on an outing together the same time as the graduation. My son said to me, “I would much rather be making memories with the people I’m going to be spending the next four years with, instead of with people I don’t know and will never see again after graduation.” My son really keeps telling me that he doesn’t care about this ceremony and that he thinks that going isn’t important to him. </p>

<p>But with all of that, I still feel like – well, I feel like graduation is in part a milestone about my having succeed as a divorced/single parent, through difficult times. Am I going to regret not having some pictures of my son in a cap and gown? (I couldn’t afford senior portraits, so we don’t have any of those.) The planned graduation ceremony involves me escorting my son and all that kind of stuff. But you know, there isn’t going to be anyone there of my family and friends to appreciate that. </p>

<p>Anyone else ever skipped graduation?</p>

2

<p>I don’t think you’ll regret missing it, and I am sure your son will regret attending it if he’ll have to miss the outing because of that.</p>

<p>I know many kids who skipped their graduations, and never looked back.</p>

<p>But, I guess, only you can really answer that question for yourself…</p>

3

<p>Both my wife and I did not attend our H.S. graduation.( We were not married at that time!) At the time it did not have any special meaning to me, I was ready for the next stage of my life.
As a parent, I have a slightly different point of view, our youngest is graduating on the 24th and we will be there. He has been in this school since kindergarten and has strong ties to the students and staff, as do we.
As far as regrets about missing graduation from my own H.S., never gave it a thought. (Well, maybe a thought, but never any regrets.)
I really don’t remember that my mom was upset by my decision, she also raised me alone , tight finances. I think she made a nice dinner and bought a cake.</p>

4

<p>I didn’t attend my h.s. graduation. I disliked my h.s. and my hometown. I never regretted not going to graduation.</p>

<p>My husband skipped his college and graduate school gradution. No regrets.</p>

<p>Our older S skipped his h.s. graduation. He has no regrets either.</p>

<p>Anyway, those are our experiences. No one knows how you’ll feel if you skip yours, however.</p>

5

<p>I did not attend my high school graduation nor did my husband; actually my husband had his wisdom teeth out the day of his graduation! It hasn’t bother either one of us or our parents. The only person that seems bother that we didn’t attend is my daughter; she can not understand how we could have chosen to not attend our own graduation. </p>

<p>If your son doesn’t want to be there, then it looks like he has made his decision.</p>

6

<p>Not the same, of course, but one of my best friends skipped his graduation for similar reasons and has absolutely no regrets. If he’s really thought it out, there’s no point in forcing him (or you) to go just for the sake of tradition and formality. I say, skip it!</p>

<p>Edit: Sorry, new here and just realized this is the forum for parents…whoops! Back to the current college kids corner I go. :)</p>

7

<p>I agree with the others. </p>

<p>Graduation as a ceremony is only special if it’s special; there’s nothing inherent in a graduation ceremony itself that makes it worthwhile. I suggest picking a date when important family and friends can come down and getting together for a nice dinner and celebration. I think that the achievement of high school graduation should be noted in some special way, but it’s up to your family to determine which way would be best for your particular situation.</p>

8

<p>Skip it - I have always thought that high school graduation is very overrated, especially if the student is going on to college. I went to my high school, college, graduate school and law school graduation and I really don’t remember any of them and wouldn’t have regretted missing any or all of them.</p>

9

<p>I don’t think you will regret it, but I did know a kid in your situation last year. His mom really encouraged him to walk with his class, even though he had transferred in for senior year and didn’t feel too connected with the school. He said he enjoyed it and was happy he participated. Of course, he had lots of family there so that made a difference, I’m sure.</p>

10

<p>As someone who attended HS graduation recently as a student, I regret going to it! It was hot, the speeches were boring…I just wanted to get back to the parties. I attended my school for four years and all of my family and friends were there! </p>

<p>I think your son makes the best point: he wants to start making new memories! I would definitely not encourage him to miss out on making friends at his future college; it seems like he would regret missing that opportunity more than not attending his graduation. In this situation, it is not really, Is walking across the stage worth it? but, Is walking across the stage better than the other option? IMHO, the answer is no.</p>

<p>Other parents suggested a great compromise about organizing another time for family and friends to celebrate - it’s also a good picture opp! :).</p>

<p>As an aside, the more you deliberate about the importance of graduation and stress it as a milestone to both yourself and him, the more you may regret missing it. I suggest putting it behind you quickly and with no ceremony. Then you’ll be much less likely to think twice later.</p>

11

<p>Are you going to appeal that $250 with a call to the Superintendent’s office, saying your understanding was different than the high school’s, and now you don’t know what to do. Can you recall clearly the person you spoke with about it, or the time of the year, anything to pin it down…or was it all through your son’s messages. I hope you can get relief from the $250 if they really told you at the h.s. they’d cover it. Or maybe the h.s. just has it down in their computers as unpaid, but no way to have it waived unless you call it back to their attention. Sometimes these things are just a function of a computerized list of what monies are left outstandikng, like unreturned library books, before graduation. Anywy, good luck. I’d pursue it by phone, maybe start with the school, opening iwth “there must be some mistake” and if that doesn’t work out, then up to the Superintendent.</p>

<p>As for Graduations, we don’t insist over our kids’ wishes. It’s to honor them. Your S is a h.s. grad, whether or not he goes to the ceremony. I know it’s different when you come in late to the life of a school in Senior Year.</p>

<p>Our D didn’t want to go to h.s. grad, because she didn’t like the place, but she adored college and rejoiced at that graduation. We didn’t go to the h.s. grad but went to the college grad, each time taking the lead by her feelings. No regrets either time.</p>

12

<p>paying: The school is a very small charter, and isn’t answerable to a superintendent. I did write my son’s assigned mentor teacher. I didn’t write the principal, because the last time I contacted her about a concern, she wrote me a very angry response telling me that I was negative, not contributing to the school, and (in much nicer words) that I should … Because I have a younger child who has 3 more years at the school, I don’t want to antagonize the administration any more than I evidently have already. </p>

<p>I think one of the main problems is that we live in a relatively affluent area where the economic divisions are mostly along racial lines. If we fit the local stereotype of a “poor” family, we’d probably have less problems, but over and over I get the sense that because all the 6 figure income parents look at me and see someone like themselves, they assume that I’m just making up this financial issue. </p>

<p>My son is incredibly excited that he gets this fairy tale happy ending – full ride to his dream LAC – and compared to that, high school graduation is just not important. I’m just struggling to honor that feeling, I guess.</p>

13

<p>I don’t think you or your son will regret skipping graduation. My daughter graduated last Saturday and what made it special to us was seeing and talking to all of her friends, most of whom she had gone to school with for many years. Their speeches made reference to many of the things that had happened over the course of high school, and my daughter was very involved so it was meaningful. If it had been either of my two older sons, that would not have applied, as they were not involved in high school life other than attending classes.</p>

<p>I agree with you. Your son gets his fairy tale happy ending and that’s what you should focus on. Congrats to your son–and to you!! I’m sure he will have many happy memories in college.</p>

14

<p>Just so you know, my sister and I STILL complain about how our parents didn’t go to our graduation. And I graduated in 1975!!! :slight_smile: (At the time we didn’t care.) </p>

<p>GO!!!</p>

15

<p>Go To Graduation. Omg Just Go.</p>

16

<p>I would usually encourage people to go to the graduation; it is a milestone, and deserves the formality and ceremony to mark it. BUT, in your case - noway, uh-uh, stay away… your son should head off into the sunshine with new friends at his LAC, and you should mark his graduation with something like a family dinner. (And, p.s. - does he have any friends at his high school? If so, have him ask one of them if he can borrow the cap and gown for an hour so that you can take a photo! At my kid’s school, they have to BUY their cap and gowns, to the tune of about $35 - afterwards they are tossed or donated to goodwill. I’m sure one of his friends would be okay with him borrowing the cap and gown…)</p>

17

<p>What concerns me most is the diploma’s being held hostage for $250 that you don’t have.</p>

<p>One of my friends was recently in a similar situation in which she was expected to do things that were not possible due to her income and health. She didn’t look poor or unhealthy, but really was.</p>

<p>She handled it by sharing her situation with some friends, including some who happened to know the top person (who was acting as mean to my friend as your principal has acted toward you). Two of the friends were lawyers.</p>

<p>One of the lawyers wrote a polite letter to the person in charge asking for a change. A partial, but still not acceptable, change occurred.</p>

<p>One of the friends who knew the person in charge also approached that person on a personal level.</p>

<p>It ended up that there was a meeting between the person in charge, my friend, a lawyer and another person while 2 other of my friend’s friends waited outside. A satisfactory solution was reached. Incidentally, the person in charge burst into tears during the proceedings. After she realized that she couldn’t push my friend around, she tried to manipulate through tears.</p>

<p>It’s very clear now that the person in charge is backing off my friend. Bullies do back down when they see power.</p>

<p>So, even though it may be embarassing to you to reveal your financial situation to others, I do suggest that you tell a couple of close friends, particularly those who may have some connection with the school or the principal. If the school has an advisory board, also let them know.</p>

<p>What’s happening is flat out wrong, and if you don’t stand up to it, even worse will happen to your younger son as well as others who are low income. Bullies feed on people who won’t stand up for their rights.</p>

<p>I also suggest that you make a copy of your paycheck and show it to the people whom you’d like to support you.</p>

<p>My friend at first didn’t want to stand up for herself because she was embarassed about her low income and health problems, which she had hidden from everyone including her family. She now realizes, however, that her false pride really had hurt her, and by revealing that info and standing up for herself, she helped herself as well as others that the person in charge undoubtedly was bullying, too.</p>

<p>As for graduation, I understand why your family doesn’t want to attend. As an alternative, you could throw a nice party for your son, his friends and any teachers who were supportive.</p>

18

<p>Wish we could have skipped graduation on Sunday. It is meaningful only if the graduate has a meaningful relationship with the school. I’d say to skip it and take advantage of the forward-looking alternatives that the day presents. BUT nail down that $250 first so it will be clear that you aren’t conceding the point by skipping the ceremony.</p>

19

<p>My son skipped his high school graduation for health and personal reasons. Nobody cared then or now (three years later). </p>

<p>I’m more concerned about the high school withholding your son’s diploma. If you’re sure that the diploma is all they’re withholding, you don’t have a problem. He will never need that piece of paper. But will the high school issue his final transcript to his prospective college? Will they issue additional transcripts if he needs them for jobs or internships? If they won’t, then you have a problem that needs to be resolved.</p>

20

<p>Weenie, if the KID wants to skip it, how could he resent the parent for not going?</p>

<p>I skipped my HS graduation because I went to a huge school and had the same thought: hot, boring, impersonal-- & I was already WAY OVER that place. On to the next. </p>

<p>Plus, no disrespect, but it did not feel like that big of an accomplishment to graduate! Let’s face it, dopes graduated. Maybe in 1900 finishing HS was a huge accomplishment, but to me it seemed like a no-brainer, a given. (Had I been the first in my family to finish HS I would probably have very felt differently though.) </p>

<p>I had a great time at my college graduation and my parents came to it. It felt much more meaningful. (Might I add, it was the first time they’d set foot on the campus. No helicopter parents they!)</p>

<p>My D skipped her HS graduation (Also huge, hot, impersonal) because of a special unforseen family event that conflicted. She thought it over for about 10 minutes.</p>

<p>No regrets for either of us.</p>