<p>what would you say? What would your words of advice be to your son or daughter as they are preparing to leave home?</p>
<p>I’ll actually paraphrase something said by Elon University President Leo Lambert at a speech to incoming students last year. It went something to the effect of, “life is a buffet, don’t settle for a bologna sandwich”. Simplistic - but it captures the essence of leaving home - don’t be afraid to try new things and take risks - don’t always play it safe - this is the time to broaden your horizons and leave the familiar behind. I was raised by parents with the exact opposite view of life who were constantly afraid of anything new/different/unknown. As a result, I tend to be cautious and settle for the known, safe and familiar. So, for my young adult offspring - I always advise them to be more adventurous and enjoy where it may lead them.</p>
<p>You will need to grow accustom to the life style you could afford.</p>
<p>I would say that they should fully expect to pay their dues and work hard to develop experience, expertise and a good reputation.</p>
<p>High School senior? </p>
<p>We actually did those for our kids, for a church booklet done each graduating year. In retrospect now that the kids are older, I’d be sure to include: </p>
<ul>
<li><p>take advantage of your talents, but don’t forget to ask for help when you need it.</p></li>
<li><p>keep in good contact with home… you’ll be missed more than you can imagine</p></li>
</ul>
<p>Study just a little bit more than you want to. You will really be glad you did later.</p>
<p>Absolutely pursue interests and passions, regardless of what the crowd is doing. Remember that you are totally adequate just the way you are. Don’t be fearful. And here’s a good one I tend to think about when I am pursuing a goal and things get tough:</p>
<p>The successful person makes a habit of doing what the failing person doesn’t like to do –
Thomas Edison</p>
<p>Seek out not only those whom you are comfortable with, but those who challenge you, and encourage you to explore new ideas and ways of looking at the world.</p>
<p>I like all of the advice. I have already written the letter to our son (it was at the request of his AP English teacher, to all parents). But I will informally add your suggestions. This is what I wrote: </p>
<p>Next year at college, you will be on your own more than you ever have before. The college years are a wonderful time and also a tremendous time of growth in independence. It will be up to you to balance all the areas of your life: school work, fun, maintaining an adequate sleep schedule, allowing time & energy for the basics (ie laundry, eating, shopping for incidentals, haircuts, shaving etc), time to socialize, and time to simply relax. </p>
<p>You already have a good conscience. We are very proud of you in that regard. We trust you very much. We don’t feel like we have to remind you of our values. You have already developed your own conscience that is uniquely yours. You are respectful of others and respectful of the differences between people. You are not quick to judge others, you are tolerant. You have a good work ethic, love to learn for the sake of learning. Grades are important to you, but not unduly so, learning for its own sake is more important. You know how to be a good friend to others, and you are very loyal. You are also a good judge of character. You know how to love.</p>
<p>Here are however, some words of wisdom (I couldn’t resist):</p>
<p>1)If you can’t look yourself in the mirror, then it is time to ask yourself why & rectify the situation. Strive to be honest with yourself, while keeping in mind that we all have some self- delusions. Just don’t get carried away with yours. We all experience moments when we feel we have let ourselves or others down. Recognize those moments & make amends.</p>
<p>2) Family is important: stay connected with your sister even if you don’t agree with her, even if your future spouses don’t get along, even if she has hurt you, even if you have hurt her. Aside from us, she is the only person who has shared the history of your childhood. I truly think she will always love you no matter what you do. </p>
<p>2) Stay healthy: include exercise in your life on a regular basis. Take time to relax & check in with yourself. Consider learning how to meditate. Get enough sleep. Allow yourself time to eat healthy foods. Take charge of your medical needs, keep track of when you are due check-ups, dental cleanings. This includes keeping track of your prescriptions and when you need to renew them. Brush your teeth! As you become older, please do keep track of things like colonoscopies, prostate exams, etc & get them even if they are unpleasant or inconvenient. (Remember what happened to Lee and to your Uncle David.)</p>
<p>3) Money is a good thing but not the be-all and end-all of existence. It truly does not buy happiness. Manage your money wisely but do not hoard. Find the right balance between having enough for security and being able to spend for enjoyment. </p>
<p>4) Find what you like to do. Pursue your passions. If you are lucky, this will be your career. If not, then as an avocation. Find ways to contribute to society that are meaningful to you. Don’t be afraid to take risks. Figure out what you believe in and don’t be afraid to say it. Not everyone will agree with you, but that is ok.</p>
<p>5) Find someone to love and nurture that relationship. But keep in mind you are only half of it; the other half is your girlfriend/wife/partner. You can’t control the relationship; she will share equal responsibility for it & is also responsible for her own happiness, just as you are responsible for yours. We know you will make someone a great husband. Find someone who will make a great partner.</p>
<p>6) The teen years are actually a pretty tough time. Most adults would never want to repeat their adolescent years. We all remember that period with some embarrassment: the insecurity, the unreturned loves, the mistakes, the feeling that everyone else knows what’s happening but us. I am guessing you already know all this, but I am going to say it anyway: I promise you, it does get better. We all grow in confidence and self awareness, and self acceptance. It just takes us all a while to get it all together.</p>
<p>7) Above all, know that we love you very very much no matter what. Keep in mind we are available to talk, if you want to run something past us, you want some advice or you just want us to know how it is going. If you get into a pickle, please do call. We will try to help and will not judge. We don’t expect perfection. Know that we are proud of you.</p>
<p>Love,
Mom & Dad</p>
<p>wedge, your letter drove me to tears. It just puts me right back to all the emotions of graduation which happened only a few months ago and the “sending off” on move-in day.</p>
<p>I found the letter we wrote for church booklet. Mostly it was a recap of DS’s childhood. Here’s the last paragraph, the only part with actual advise. </p>
<p>“We will miss you when you go off to enjoy your new adventures at college. Go forth with joy in your heart and the lessons you have learned from your family and friends at <church name=”">"</church></p>
<p>Right up my alley. I had a book published (CafePress) for my D when she graduated in 2006. In it were “Words of Wisdom” from me, and my entire family and several close family friends. The book was about 75 pages long. It became one of her most cherished graduation gifts, and a few years ago she was going through some personal struggles and while home for 2 weeks during winter break, I sat and read the entire thing to her. I wanted to remind her of all the love and support she had on this earth. </p>
<p>Sorry for the length, but this is what I wrote:
There is no doubt in my mind that as you read the “words of wisdom” that I will share with you, that you will hear a lecture from your mother, rather than hear words of comfort and support. However, I also have no doubt that as you grow and mature (possibly even becoming a mother yourself some day) that you will begin to hear the actual feelings behind my words, and not just a “lecture” from your mother. My hope is that that moment comes sooner rather than later.</p>
<p>Stand on your own two feet…does not mean ‘do it by yourself’. What I believe it really means is that there comes a time for us to try to walk. Like when you were a baby. At first you needed to be carried, then you taught yourself to crawl, eventually you pulled yourself up on anything you could, and stood, then you held on for dear life and “cruised” a room, and finally, bravely, you let go, and tried to walk. BOOM! You fell down. You got back up, and with wobbly legs, you tried to walk. BOOM! You fell down again. Time after time, for countless times, you tried to walk unassisted. And then it happened. Arms straight out, legs ready for balance, you did it! You walked. Unassisted. But you were not alone. Someone who cared for you and loved you was always close by, being there to lend a hand, or even just words of encouragement when needed. We clapped for you and cheered you on as you went from walking to running, to skipping and jumping. Through skinned knees and all the bumps and bruises that independent movement brings. And we will continue to be there through all the windy roads you will now begin to travel independently. We will continue to cheer you on and offer our love and support, our guidance. As you stand on your own two feet, just know you don’t have to do it by yourself.</p>
<p>The other side of risk is regret…Do your best to be able to look back some day and be grateful that you took some risks; not the bungee jumping into the gorge kind of risks, but the kinds of risks that inspire ourselves and others. The ones that round us out as citizens of the world. Take the risk and fall in love. More than once. Let others fall in love with you. It’s a risk worth taking. Try something new and different. It’s a risk worth taking. Feel your feelings. It’s worth the risk. It’s an empty feeling to wonder “what if” so do what you can to not have to ask yourself “I wonder what would have happened if…”</p>
<p>Rely on your own judgment and your own sense of self-worth…Try not to be a follower all the time. Let others follow your lead and begin to recognize all that you have to offer. When you’re feeling down and like something’s ‘missing’ that’s the best time to get out and give to others what it is that’s missing. Almost instantly you will find the missing piece, just by giving it away. </p>
<p>Don’t always be a slave to your budget…It’s a good idea to keep an eye on your budget, but there are times when it’s ok to “break the budget” the object of the game is to make that the exception rather than the rule. Remember, it’s your money, you earned it, and you have also earned the right to spend it. This goes back to risk VS regret.</p>
<p>Keep your living space organized…Chaos creates chaos and unease, so does being compulsive, so try to be well-rounded about this. By being aware of your surroundings you can keep anxiety to a minimum. </p>
<p>There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few that will catch your heart… pursue those…There are so many things to see and do in this lifetime but the ones that will leave indelible impressions (both good and bad) are those that captured your heart. The ones that moved you to laughter or to tears. So follow your gut and listen to what it’s telling you. You have instinct. Follow it. The worst that will happen is you’ll make a mistake. Learning from a mistake turns it into a lesson. One that hopefully you won’t have to go through again.</p>
<p>Take a stand…You’ve actually been very good at this in your life. Don’t sit idly by and watch injustice. Stand up for what you believe in. Make waves. Cause an uproar. Let your voice be heard. It only takes one person to change one thing from what they ‘normally’ do to make change. Be that one person. Do that one thing. Change is good, change is growth.</p>
<p>Keep your passport up to date…Because you never know when you might have an opportunity to go to Paris, or Shanghai, or Moscow and need your passport. Remember that 6 month leeway that the Department of Homeland Security has imposed!</p>
<p>Do your laundry on a regular basis…it doesn’t really take that long, and trust me…your roommate will appreciate a nicely smelling roommate, and you’ll almost always have whatever it is you want to wear! Don’t mix reds with whites, and don’t put wool in the dryer! Remember my green sweater?</p>
<p>In real life there are only a couple of things I care about. Are you happy, and do you feel fulfilled?..The rest is just filler. Really. I swear.</p>
<p>A Chinese philosopher said, “In 100 years not one will care.”…I would have to say it takes far less than that. So don’t even think about what ‘others’ think. It’s your life. You are the one who should care. So do things because you care. </p>
<p>You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge…You can stop being passively shaped by the internal and external forces in your life. It’s time to move your self-concept away from a world-defined, fictional self, and toward a self-defined authentic self that is grounded in the here and now. (Dr. Phil)</p>
<p>You create your own experience…Don’t play the role of victim, or use past events to build excuses. It guarantees you no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you’ve been dealt are good or bad, you are in charge of yourself now. Every choice you make - including the thoughts you think - has consequences. If you choose thoughts contaminated with anger and bitterness, then you will create an experience of alienation and hostility. When you choose the right behavior and thoughts - which will take a lot of discipline - you’ll get the right consequences. It doesn’t matter what happened before, it’s how you live with it today that matters. Remember, the past is over, the future hasn’t happened; the present is the place to live.</p>
<p>Take time to think about the five most pivotal people in your life…How have they helped shape you into who you are right now? Occasionally go back and rethink ‘the most pivotal people in your life’. Have they changed? Do some continue to be on your list? Ask yourself who and why. Have you ever wondered if you’re on someone else’s list of pivotal people?</p>
<p>Don’t ever work for a jerk…Another way to look at this is: don’t settle. It’s true, that for every opportunity there are a dozen missed, I know this for fact, jeeze, I’ve lost track of all the opportunities I missed a long time ago, but one thing is for certain, as soon as I was honest with myself, as soon as I believed in my ability, and trusted myself, the opportunity presented itself. Oprah says success is having done the work so that you’re ready when the opportunity presents itself. I will now assume that’s what I was doing all this time. Doing the work. But I rarely settled. I have worked for jerks, and I’m sure I’ve settled, but it didn’t do a thing to foster my confidence or propel me in my life goals. And for crying out loud, if anyone ever strikes you, strike back, and walk as fast as you can, run if you must, and don’t ever look back. This goes back to take a stand, and rely on your own judgment and your own sense of self-worth and even the other side of risk is regret, because as you’re bound to experience, life is a series of comings and goings, circles of good, bad and indifferent. But all with meaning. </p>
<p>Tu’um Est…Latin: It’s up to you.</p>
<p>To thy self be true…You have scruples and morals. At this time in your life is when you get to grow into them and adjust them to fit your life. You have a good foundation, and can now build upon it. You come from great female stock. The women in your lineage are strong, independent women who have made some serious mistakes in their lives and yet have managed to pick themselves up and keep going in a more positive direction. </p>
<p>What matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What really matters is helping others win too…There’s a great story that comes from the Seattle Special Olympics (I often wonder if it’s true or not); for the 100-yard dash there were nine contestants, all of them so-called physically or mentally disabled. All nine of them assembled at the starting line and at the sound of the gun, they took off. But not long afterward one little boy stumbled and fell and hurt his knee and began to cry. The other eight children heard him crying; they slowed down, turned around and ran back to him. Every one of them ran back to him. One little girl with Down Syndrome bent down and kissed the boy and said, “This’ll make it better.” And the little boy got up and he the rest of the runners linked their arms together and joyfully walked to the finish line. They all finished the race at the same time. And when they did, everyone in that stadium stood up and clapped and whistled and cheered for a long, long, time. And you know why? Because deep down, we know that what matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What really matters is helping others win too, even if it means slowing down and changing our course now and then.</p>
<p>Mr. Rogers has the greatest way to express things…
“It’s you I like.
It’s not the things you wear.
It’s not the way you do your hair
But it’s you I like.
The way you are right now
The way down deep inside you.
Not the things that hide you.
Not your cap and gown,
They’re just beside you.
But it’s you I like.
Every part of you.
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings
Whether old or new.
I hope that you remember
Even when you’re feeling blue.
That it’s you I like,
It’s you, yourself
It’s you.
It’s you I like.”
And what that ultimately means, of course, is that you don’t ever have to do anything sensational for people to love you. When I say it’s you I like, I’m talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch; that deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed. </p>
<p>So in all that you do, in all of your life, I wish you the strength and the grace to make those choices which will allow you to become the best of whoever you are. </p>
<p>I am proud of you, and cannot wait to see you enjoy the rest of your life.
Love,
Your Mother</p>
<p>“just” a Mom - WOW <tears></tears></p>
<p>This thread should be a stcky.</p>
<p>justamom, beautiful i cannot believe you apologized for length</p>
<p>My admonition…</p>
<p>listen to a lot of Simon & Garfunkel, Jimi Hendrix and Miles Davis in your free time before college starts in the fall.</p>
<p>WOW Justamom, that was great! I wish I’d had the chance to read it before I composed my note to my son. Thanks.</p>