<p>I’m not a parent, so this is merely a question of cuiriousity. I’ve been meaning to ask something similar for a while, and this seemed like a good complement to the other thread.</p>
<p>I honestly don’t know what I would do. I’ve thought about it a lot because the son of a relative has gone to jail for such an offense and the parents stood by him. He became addicted to drugs in high school and it has been a road of horror ever since.</p>
<p>My gut feeling, and again, I’ve really thought about this. Is that if the victim were other than one of my own kids I would probably not cut off my child. I wish I could say that some crimes are so egregious (which they are) that I couldn’t ever speak to that person again, but when “that person” is my child I just don’t know.</p>
<p>Did anyone else read “We need to talk about Kevin?” I read that at around the same time the relative’s son was sentenced so it really affected me.</p>
<p>A student randomly killed another student in our high school about five years ago.</p>
<p>Two years ago, in an adjacent town, a student who had just graduated from high school murdered his ex-girlfriend.</p>
<p>In both cases, the young men were sentenced to life in prison without parole.</p>
<p>I just can’t fathom what this is like for the families involved.</p>
<p>Bake him/her a cake and put a file in it.</p>
<p>All you can do is help them make the best of the situation. It is the ultimate in tough love. Help them to get through, and come out better.</p>
<p>Love them, visit. Write letters. Pick them up if/when they got out and try to help them make reparations.</p>
<p>I would set up some sort of recovery fund for the victims… be it for therapy, etc…</p>
<p>I hope I never have to find out.</p>
<p>Hope I never find out.</p>
<p>My cousin is a repeat violent offender. She is also a drug/alcoholic. The first few times when she would get out my aunt would let her live with her and buy her stuff–cars to get to work, a house when cousin said she wanted to move–and the cousin wrecked them all and was very nasty to her mother. Cousin is back in jail for 15 years this time and my other cousin (sister to cousin in jail) said that her mother who is now mid 80s and having health problems recently said that she hopes she dies before cousin is released.</p>
<p>It’s very sad because cousin showed such potential as a kid, but she also always wanted just a little bit more than anyone else and really laid on the guilt when she didn’t get her way. I don’t know how much my aunt visited.</p>
<p>It depends. Are they dangerous to me or others in my family? It just depends. Could not say ahead of time. But for sure I would continue to love them, pray for them, etc. I would do everything I could to stay in touch and offer love and support as long as it didn’t endanger others. I wouldn’t allow my household to be turned upside down, but I don’t think I would ever outright abandon my kid.</p>
<p>Both my kids are kind of the opposite of violence, so as a hypothetical, I can only imagine an accident. I’m limited like that.</p>
<p>^^^^^Ditto. Therefore, the only violent felony I could ever envision would be that they made the terrible decision to drink and drive and hurt or killed someone in the process. God forbid…</p>
<p>I’d never stop loving them or being there for them in that situation.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I’ve had several clients inpast years who saw their sons go off to prison. In each case, drugs were the cause. It was so helpful for the parents to find others in the same situation. Everyone became experts at wiring money to the store. Everyone had to learn to set limits on the “will you accept charges?” phone calls. One Jewish young man learned to speak in Haitian dialect, so found protection. Another declared himself Kosher, also for better food and protection. I’ve known retired businessman who went in weekly to speak to residents about career plans. Another taught computer skills. Everyone’s son survived, but it truly seems as tough a road for the parents as for the son.</p>
<p>please post often, as so many of us are wanting to be supportive.</p>
<p>It makes my chest hurt to even think about these things. When my children were little, they really were pretty good kids. It never, ever occurred to me that they could do even foolish things. So far, and I am on my knees, head to the skies as I type this, they have not been in terrible trouble. But they’ve had their issues, and there were times when it was more than I could take, and I had to tell them so. There is a point where I just can’t take anymore, and have to get away from even those I love dearly, when they are acting foolishly, harmfully and not lfollowing rules. And this is waaaay before this point. But I’ve had enough of a taste of what kind of damages could happen, to know that these things are not just remote, happen to someone I don’t know type events, as many young people I knew as children have had problems. No one did anything violent, but yes, there have been some who have done time in jail who were involved in drug dealing, were found with child porn materials and other things that one just does not associate with the sweethearts we know as children.</p>
<p>I know people in this situation. It gets tough because of issues of “is it my fault?” and “what did I do wrong?”. That often expresses in denial about problems in the family, though not always.</p>
<p>A much more difficult situation is something I’ve seen, which is the children of war criminals. I’ve spent time with a few children of Nazi mass murderers. That is strange because there is no issue of “did I cause this” but rather “how do I reconcile this reality with the complex feelings of being that man’s child?”. Sort of a completely innocent guilt.</p>
<p>There are many very nice people I know that have only not killed someone while driving drunk (and/or impaired by age) by the grace of God or whatever higher power people believe in. People who do bad things because of poor decisions, I would probably continue to love and support, as long as they are taking steps to change and improve their lives. If they cannot see how their actions harmed others, I might have problems/conflicts but would likely still love them as loved ones.</p>
<p>You know, Zoosermom, I read that book, “We Need to Talk about Kevin” a long time ago, and I remember thinking that it was so far fetched and not at all realistic. Now with Sandy Hook, and some other horrorific things that have occurred, one can see that these young adults do have family, parents, and it is a night mare for them.</p>
<p>I’d rather die or my kid die than for have him be the sort that is dangerous to others. So what does one do? One does what one should… Take directions from those who can advise as to what to say, and what to do. Because that would be way over my head as to coming up with anything, and I would not want to make the situation worse. So I would keep my mouth shut except for my “sorrys”, deeply felt believe me, and just march to the beat of the executioner’s drum as to what a parent should do. I think I would be broken.</p>
<p>Many times when I don’t know how to act, that is what I do, is seek advice from those familiar and go through the motions, until I can come up with anything else. And that is what I would tell other parents to do too.</p>
<p>I’d definitely be in therapy while the child was gone in order do prepare myself to handle what happens next i.e. rehabilitated or not, genuinely sorry and having learned a lesson or not, etc.
It would be most difficult to balance loving someone so much and accepting that they might be a really bad person. And to learn how not to blame myself, I suppose.</p>
<p>Did anyone else read “We need to talk about Kevin?” I read that at around the same time the relative’s son was sentenced so it really affected me. >>>>></p>
<p>yes. honestly, some people are just irredeemable and it would be very difficult to accept that this is your child and there is nothing you can do. I would have to cut ties and go thru mourning.</p>
<p>When my older daughters were little, they were in a camp like setting part of the summer. One of them was very fond of a young woman who was their in a leadership role. The girl was took a shine to my daughter.
When this girl went off to college she made a bad decision which resulted in a car accident that took a life. She ended up spending time in prison because of it ( it was a drunk driving situation ) My daughter was very upset about hearing this that she tracked her down and began to write to her in prison .
The young woman served time , but I believe may have had her sentence shortened.
She was so happy that she heard from her that they have still managed to keep in touch .
She did get her life back on track and ended up going to grad school in the same city.
I know my daughter gets together with her every now and then</p>
<p>I don’t put someone who had a car accident and was grossly negligent so is put in prison for it, in the same category as some truly violent people. I agree that we need to have measures in place to bring down these types of incidents, but that is a whole other story, than someone who will venture into true confrontational violence. And then there are those who did something truly heinous. I don’t think there are that man true “bad seeds” around, the Kevins, but there are some people who have a temper that just puts them in a truly dangerous situation. It’s the ones who will do crimes on a premeditated basis that frighten me. Some who are in jail are “but for the grace of God” go I, or a loved one having drawn an unlucky card when doing something that many, many of us do. Yes, in many ways that is dangerous–I see that, and may be causing more harm than the criminal who is lacking a conscience or has learned to ignore it. </p>
<p>We, as a nation, incarcerate far more of our population than other first world countries,</p>
<p>CPT, I respectfully disagree. There are many “bad seeds” out there. I worked in the JUVENILE prison system for over 10 years and interacted with way too many adolescents who were true “bad seeds”. They killed people for no other reason than that person had something they wanted. They felt no remorse and would and will do it again in a heart beat. </p>
<p>One of them told me, dkitty, I like you, but if you were walking down the street in my town I would shoot you. When I asked why? His response was, you should know better than to be walking down my streets. Scary people.</p>
<p>Sociopaths, whether or not they are violent, are the scariest people on earth. They are essentially soul-less, empty shells, except for extreme capacity for vicious, driven behavior. They are estimated to be approx. 4% of the population.</p>
<p>Read The Sociopath Next Door. Will scare the crap out of you.</p>