Okay, is it weird that I keep playing Rachelle Terrell’s song “Could have fooled me”? It’s a break-up song, but the first stanza seems so apropos. I’m a single mom, losing… I mean sending, an only child to college. Helen Reddy’s “You and Me Against the world” used to be our song, now break-up songs seem more fitting. Eighteen years of being someone’s mom, and then the center of your world just moves on. The neighbors aren’t helping, asking with the saddest look in their eyes, what I’m going to do when the kid goes. Even as early as three months back, I was so ready for the freedom college would bring – TO ME! But now? Not so much. Who knew college would feel so much like a breakup?
I still have a list of things I plan to get back into, but the closer it gets to move-in day, the sadder I become. I’m piling all the stuff the kid plan to takes to school in the front foyer. It has reached the point now where all I have to do is look at his stuff sitting there and start crying. I know that this too shall pass – at some point, hopefully. I just constantly marvel at the things I never knew about parenting. Any other basket case out there?
It’s hard for me because if I have a kid who is good and is busy. With a kid like that they already don’t infringe much on one’s “freedom” because you can already do what you want since they can be left alone and are pretty fun to be around when you are both at home. This means that one is losing something and feeling like one is not gaining much in return (friends who battle with their kids more don’t feel this way).
My tips:
Don’t call it empty nest - HATE that phrase. Call it “new beginnings” or something that is more positive!
Move the stuff out of the foyer if you can - an empty closet, the garage - looking at it everyday when it’s not happening for a few weeks (?) it invoking pain and perhaps stress for you soon to be freshman!
It’s like a shot. The worst part is before it happens. Once it’s done (the move in) PROBABLY you’ll be in better shape.
Signed, about to be a “new beginnings” parent too!!!
@abasket, yeah, I was thinking I should move his stuff to an empty bedroom. Having it in the foyer just helps me inventory things more easily, but it’s probably worth moving it. Thanks!
I don’t know far away he is going but book your hotel now for parents’ weekend. Get a 2016 calendar and mark all the days he’ll be home for breaks and the last day of classes. If you’re not on social media set up a FB or instagram to stay in touch. Talk about how often you’d like him to check in once he’s gone. My son thought once a week was fine (I didn’t) I took comfort in tracking his debit card transactions so I knew he was okay. And be prepared for a different kid to come home next may. You will survive!!! (Play gloria gaynor!)
Schedule back to back activities for yourself. Go to the gym, take salsa lessons, redecorate, etc. the first few months will be the most difficult one.
It is time to stop making your son the center of your life. Be aware of his breaks but find things to put on your calendar for you to enjoy without him. Volunteer somewhere or take a class.
Do not stalk him on FB or expect unrealistic expectations for contact with him. Once a week should be fine. If he wants to text more than that to share something that is fine but don’t intrude too much in his new phase of life.
I imagine it is harder for single parents. I sobbed my heart out as my husband drive us home on move in day. But I quickly became used to the new routines. After the first summer break I was eager to drop my kid off.
Now is the time to look forward to the next stage of your life which is to take care of you.
Think about what you enjoy or any personal goals you have.
Plan an outing with your friends so that you have something to look forward to after dropping child off to school.
Join a fun class to explore a hobby, work on your fitness goals, and take this as an exciting adventure where you can decide to do whatever you want. Try new things. Do something that you have always postponed but that you have always wanted to do. Enjoy this complete freedom that you have. Take a weekend trip and enjoy a spa treatment. Pamper yourself and commit to meeting friends and being a bit social. When they come home for holiday break you will see a change in your freshman but also let them see the new you.
When my only child left for college over 1000 miles away, I thought I’d fall apart. I missed her, but knowing she was happy and staying busy helped. And just when I was really beginning to appreciate the up side of an empty nest, I became a card-carrying member of the “Sandwich Generation” when parents’ health began to fail. Here’s hoping you can enjoy doing what you want to do without filling your newfound free time by becoming a caregiver to another family member.
Find a large church in your area…doesn’t need to be the same religion as you. I found one that has tons of groups because it’s such a large church. One was for “empty nesters”!!! They said they meet on Sundays, but get together outside of that. I am planning on doing that. I have friends, but I’d like to make new ones. Without the benefit of kids, schools, organized kids sports, it’s kid of hard to make new girlfriends. There is also a book club that meets once a month on a Thursday, i was thinking of doing that, too.
It’s just so natural to feel a loss with that door closing, but I love abasket’s suggestion that we call it something else. Even though my last son is busy, I still enjoy seeing his smiling face everyday. It’s what is “normal” to me. I do have to say, my oldest was a stinker…but I still felt that pain driving home from college. It took about 2 months for it to seem like “normal”. You will get there…to the place where it doesn’t bother you to see his room all nice and neat. I tell you…you will get used to that!!! Just think…no more HAVING to cook dinner. or worry about what time he’s coming home on the weekends…did he shut the garage door? Is he okay on the road? Many of us are going throught the exact same thing so we are here to commisserate with.
Join a health club…i started Jazzercise. It’s only a couple days a week, but it does fill time…and it’s good for me. We can all cry on each other’s shoulders here in a month!!
I am not single and I work full time. I still had to acquire 3 different un-related hobbies to fill my time after work and exercise. I am very happy that I did, I would be very deep into depression and my younger left to college 8 years ago. Find your own un-fulfilled dreams BEFORE depression fills you! In my case it was NOT passing on its own, I had to take care of it. 8 years later, I am still very much engaged with my after work activities, the more, the better I sleep (surprise!). Still have to see how I will feel on retirement, that one has been scaring me for the past 8 years much more than having empty nest. How in a world to fill additional 8 hours?
BTW, I did not have to “join a health club”, I have a membership to 2 already and have been exercising for about 2 hours on a daily basis most of my life. This is NOT any hobby, this is just a daily routine, you sleep, eat, exercise…
First, I agree that now it is time to do things you want to do. I was a bit sad when my kids left (especially my youngest) but I’ve been surprisingly busy and happy to the point where the kids joke that I always need to cancel a bunch of things when they are home. Which leads me to…
Second, there are a lot of breaks in the schedule so they do come home from college quite often. Soon after school starts there is parent weekend followed by Thanksgiving, a long Winter break etc. It is not like you won’t see each other. And when they are home my kids always appreciated things a bit more (ex. favorite meals etc.)
Third. Decide on a way to keep in touch…ex. weekly calls. Don’t demand daily calls or something because it is not healthy for either of you.
Fourth. Take a minute and feel pride in yourself for raising a college bound child. As a single mom I’m guessing this wasn’t easy. And feel proud of your S as well. His heading off to college may be a transition, but never forget that is a wonderful thing!
Fifth. Remember what you were like at that age. I know that I felt ready to spread my wings, become more independent etc. Every time I started missing my kids I remembered to how I reveled in my freedom in college (back in my college days before cellphones and computers we all made once a week calls home). As I look back I so appreciate that my mother (then a widow) gave me that freedom. And with that freedom I grew, matured, became more independent etc. …these are all things you really want for your child.
It will be fine. You will find plenty to fill your time. And you will always be your child’s mother.
@MiamiDAP, I appreciate your candor. As far as retirement, I got that all planned. I’m going to become a globe trotter and strike a lot of places off my list.
I’m not single, or a mom, but when my kids left for college it punched a pretty big hole in my life. At the time, my spouse was working (and living, most of the time) in another city, so there was definitely a loneliness factor, too.
My main ways of dealing with it were (a) my dog – dogs never go to college! they can’t even drive themselves anywhere! they’re not embarrassed by you! – and (b) spending way too much time reading and posting on a college-related website, which helped me continue to feel close to my kids without actually bothering them.
I’m not a single mom or the mom of single child, but as my third (and last) gets ready to leave home I’m finding it so much tougher than it was when her older siblings left. I was married for 10 months before our first child was born so I feel like I’ve been a parent forever… Not sure what I’m going to do to fill the void, but finding some hobbies and starting an exercise routine will definitely be called for.
Agree with all of these comments. Sent oldest off to far away college last year and will send last off next year. So while we are not empty nesters, I feel your pain. He came home this summer and although it was at times annoying (messier, etc) he leaves in 2 weeks and I am feeling very similar feelings of loss as I did last year. It was hard. So my advice to you is that take some time to be sad…it is a loss. But do it in private - not in front of him. You know he is aware of the fact he is leaving you alone. A good shower cry is cathartic. But then, take time to take care of yourself and do all of the great things people mentioned above. It does get easier. But then you will go through it again next summer. And congrats on having a kid going off to college…you did it. You should be proud!