I’m upset, sad, demotivated, tired, want to cry, and this is probably not the right place to vent it out, and you probably don’t care, but i’m gonna do it anyway, because i’m just so done with everything.
I feel like absolute crap, and I know that people have it worse than me & what not, but this year was just the worst ever year in my fifteen years of living & I feel so worn out right now & I need someone to talk to, or some advice, or words of wisdom, I really don’t know what i’m looking for, i guess.
I’m a 15 year old girl. Born and brought up in a competitive town in America, and moved out of America in 7th grade. I now live in this poor country, but I live in a pretty rich town.
From 7th grade, the years have just been getting worse and worse, and i’ve just flucked my way from then. Please don’t tell me “i’m too young to be feeling like this” and all that bull, because i’ve told myself that a lot, and it hasn’t proven anything so far. Up till 7th grade, life was good, life was great, and it was probably like that for all of you, but these are the years that I was actually happy. I didn’t have too many friends, but I was a happy little girl. And then, we made the decision to move, to this place. I was fine with it, I guess. 4 years in this place, and I go back to my hometown, didn’t seem like much of a bad idea. Exposure was fine with me. But then I went to school, and let me tell you, it was bad.
The kids would say the meanest stuff, bully me for being ugly,fat,annoying,dumb,hairy,weird… I never thought I was any of that, but they’d still bully me for it. At the beginning, I was hurt by their words, and actions, but as time went on i’d brush it off. I was used to their words. This happened until 8th grade & I moved to a new school, and that year I joined this popular guy asked me out. I don’t do relationships in school, so I said no. Now this new school I went to was a posh school. Kids were v v fast paced, incredibly judgmental. There were cliques, the teachers were not motivated to teach, & the fees were high. I wasn’t looking forward to it, & I went in thinking that i’d keep my status low, and just study & get my way out of it. After HS was over i’d go to some reputable college with my hard work & this crap wouldn’t matter anyways. So i wanted to maintain a low profile and get through it. I knew my boundaries, and this relationship status in 8th grade, seemed like bs to me. But after that all hell broke loose. People started seeing me as the same ugly,fat,annoying,dumb,hairy,weird girl again, and it was depressing. Every single thing I did, they would judge. They’d say crap to me in front of the whole class, write about me, say it in front of my face. It hurt. No one treated me like a person. Everyone looked at me like I was trash, and it’s silly because to this year, they still treat me that way. I even made this group of friends who make me feel so bad about myself. They physically hurt me, and say such horrible stuff to my face, don’t invite me to parties, call me names. But that’s another story.
Then 9th grade comes, and I eff it up. Big time. I tried my best all those years, to not listen to them, and chuck their words, and get some self confidence, but it all came crashing down, just like my grades. I started getting bad grades. One thing that those kids never said crap to me about, was gone. Now they had another thing against me, my grades, my intellect, & how bad it was getting. My family started becoming really unsupportive. Now let me tell you a bit about my fam. They’re strict, i’ve got helicopter parents. I don’t understand them, one bit. I don’t have much freedom, & they only love me when I get amazing grades. Otherwise, they show me hell. So the entire 9th grade was horrible. The home environment as well as school. I didn’t have any true friends, so I relied on the internet for comfort. My social media, where I talked to strangers, who made me feel good about myself, and showed me positivity, which I couldn’t find until then. I even met some guys online, who I could confide with, and they gave me these positive vibes, and that’s basically what fueled me, from then. This was also the reason, I had zero time on my hands to even concentrate on reality. Realize how much I was messing my life up, and realize how much I was deteriorating. I was so obsessed with that virtual reality I made myself, that I forgot about the shiiit the kids at my school were saying, and the negativity from my parents, and that’s the good part. But the thing was, I also forgot about my priorities, aims, goals, aspirations. I became lazy, wasn’t inspired by much anymore, and then at the end of 9th it all came crashing down. i deleted all my social media, and I faced the consequences of what I did to myself. Realized how badly my friends were treating me, how I was a piece of trash to almost everyone at school, let my self esteem go completely, ruined my contacts with my teachers, lost my good grades, failed AP’s, failed my parents, let down everyones expectations, hate from my family… I faced all of that, in the span of this month, and there’s still more to face. I keep receiving the notifs of the consequences, and i’m trying my best to digest it, but it hurts so much. I’m only one person, and i’m just trying to dig myself out of the hellhole i’ve dug myself this year, and the past years, and it’s difficult, but i’m trying, but it’s so so so hard.
Sometimes, I still get distracted
Lost
Confused
Tired
Lazy
Sometimes, I reactivate my social media, and then i feel like crap for doing so
Sometimes I talk back to my parents, and then beat myself up for it, because I realize how much crap they’d had to face because of me
Sometimes I can’t get motivated enough to work hard, or finish a portion in my time table, and I cry, and get a panic attack, and slap myself, because I feel like i’m back to square one.
Sometimes I look back at those nightmares in the past years and I feel like dying.
Why did I cheat that one time?
Why did I lie so hard?
Why did I make my mom cry?
Why did I talk back to those bullies & make things work?
Why am I so lost all the time?
Why did I scar my body?
Why did I starve myself?
But what did I do to deserve this.
If I didn’t fluck 9th grade up, I would’ve ended up in a mental institute, suicidal, or dead. Social media, the reason I messed up, was also the thing that distracted me from the stuff that went on in real. It was the wall I built up, which didn’t allow the bullies to get to me, or my parents to over stress me. But now that that’s down, I feel empty, and sad again. I’m lost.
This year, I need to let go of the past, but i’m still in the same school. Same parents. Same environment. Same home. How do I let go of the past when EVERY SINGLE THING is still there in front of me. How I supposed to forget & survive, when the same things that happened in the past years, will still happen. Am I supposed to ignore them? I’ve tried a million times before this, but I know how it ends up. I end up giving in, at the end. I’m always the loser.
Don’t tell me I need therapy or a guidance counselor. My school is crap enough, we don’t have a guidance counselor, my dysfunctional family is done with me, I couldn’t stand up to their goals, and I don’t have any relatives. Now, I don’t even have the strangers who I used to confide in online to help me out.
I wrote in my diary a bunch of times, that the past is the past, and that i’d work harder & strive for myself, and not for anyone else, but this is impossible in this environment. I don’t know what to do anymore. My motivation and drive is a mess. I’m a mess.
Ugh. Help me.
