<p>My son is at school. We dropped him off in California on Wednesday and we live in New York. He’s the youngest of our children. He said it would be easiest for him and for us if we didn’t call too often. I understand intellectually that he needs to gain a sense of independence. I didn’t call Thursday, but yesterday (Friday) I started worrying that he didn’t have a printer. So I called. Today I saw that he had spent $100 at the school store so I assumed he’d bought a printer and I called once more. Well, he was not happy that I was so on top of everything. I know now not to call and to wait to hear from him, but it is hard. I feel like I have screwed up by calling, especially today. I think it will be fine if I just let go and let him call on his own time (he said once a week would be good). Is this normal? He’s really a great kid. I am feeling like a lousy mom…I am afraid my controlling tendencies cause him to think I don’t have confidence in his abilities…AUGGHHH. I just miss him…</p>
<p>Take the cure from your S. If he says once a week, I’d say respect his wishes. He’s just really busy with his new life and you should be happy for him. Enjoy hearing from him (when he does call) but don’t ask him nit-picking questions about every little detail of his life. As for the printer, let him figure it out for himself. This is the time for him to make his own decisions. Wait for his call, then gently ask him how he is getting along without the printer. You don’t want to become a helicopter parent.</p>
<p>I know. I am totally going to respect his wishes. I just feel badly that I was hovering in a helicopter manner. I am cured, just a little miserable that I yielded to the worst instinct. But thanks for reaching out. I REALLY don’t want to be that way.</p>
<p>Relax, Babar. You’re obviously an excellent parent to raise kids that are ready for and confident about college. So what if you call an extra time or two? Give yourself some credit and don’t be so hard on yourself.</p>
<p>And from now on, I suggest you keep paper/pen by the phone to make a list of funny or interesting things that happen in your community or at home. Everytime you feel like calling, add to the list instead. The next time you talk to your son, you will have plenty of home things to tell him and you won’t be as tempted to nag or ask questions.</p>
<p>Thanks! That is a GREAT idea! I am going to go find a pad of paper to put by the phone - Then I am going to go out for a bit to actually allow funny/interesting things to occur! :-)</p>
<p>Babar, lol, there’s a book somewhere that has many lists of diversions in it - it’s called “Dont Call That Man” by Rhonda someone I think. My single friends swear by it so they aren’t tempted to call someone they’re dating. Anyway, some of the stuff I remember is - if the list doesn’t work - take all your phones, and lock them up in the trunk of your car. Oh, and obviously, don’t drink and dial, or dial and drink. I do realize this is your son, not a romantic interest, but the exercises are the same.</p>
<p>The really good news is that once your son gets through this time of asserting and establishing independence (though it’s impossible to say if it will be just a few weeks, or perhaps into junior year) he’ll start calling a LOT.</p>
<p>Oh, and by the way, it’s not a bad instinct. I had to delete AIM off of all my computers when D left for college; it was driving me crazy those first few weeks of school to see her online and recognize that she was NOT sending IM to me, and, I do not have any self control when it comes to D. So I killed AIM off every computer in the house, and all of my laptops. Four years later she’s begging me to reestablish AIM on my main laptop. “But we need to be able to chat, mom!” LOL. So you see, it’ll change. You just have to wait out this time while your son gets himself established, but, it’ll all be good in the end. </p>
<p>Oh - if you really, really want to hear from him? Send a care package, preferrably with cookies or something yummy - something in such abundance that he will want to share with his new friends and dormmates. That’ll usually get you a call. :)</p>
<p>Babar, my DD said the same thing to me when we dropped her off at college several years ago. In fact, we had to cut short our trip by one day because she said all the parents have left and that we should leave. Then she said “Don’t call for a week.”</p>
<p>I was terribly hurt by this but understood that she needed to start her new life at college on her own terms. Pat yourself on the back at launching your son successfully.</p>
<p>Actually, I personally feel as a student that since my parents are shelling out $40k a year for my education, the least I could do is answer the phone when they call and let them know how my day was. They usually send me an email if it’s not urgent, so usually I’ll be the one to call them. It’s definitely more often than once a week. </p>
<p>I kind of like keeping my parents involved and most people I know are on the phone with their parents pretty often. Even my first week I wanted to let my parents know how my classes were and everything.</p>
<p>It’s possible to be independent while still keeping your parents in your periphery.</p>
<p>It’s fine to not call for awhile, and to have him not want your calls, but there is also a time where you can insist on a certain level of involvement, especially since sometimes a little parental guidance is critical to finding your way the first year.</p>
<p>My son was also one who said, “Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” He said he would call once a week, and if we called, he would deduct that from his calls. Well…pretty soon he was calling a lot more than once a week. He called if he needed something, or if something exciting had happened that he wanted to share, or even occasionally if he was feeling down and just wanted to talk. (The last was infrequent, I admit.) He would usually call as he was walking back to the dorm after classes.</p>
<p>I understand how you feel, and how hard it is NOT to call when you really want to hear from him or to make sure things are working out right. Don’t worry; I’m sure he will forgive you quickly. He probably realizes that it is hard for parents to let go.</p>
<p>Instead of calling my son, I occasionally email him if there is something interesting to tell him or a question I have about something he might need. That way he can either ignore or call me, as he chooses.</p>
<p>i warned my D I would email…that way, i can share, and she can respond when she can…both my Ds say I talk on the phone too long, as if there is such a thing…so the email would get it out of my system, and they would be able to respond when they can…</p>
<p>I think it is a fair compromise, because i think our kids should understand that we parents will be going through something, and it is not all about them, its thst well, we should always do what the child wants, and that child shouldn’t have to worry much about the parents needs…</p>
<p>Doesn’t it seem sad that a mom who spent all that time and money dropping her kid in California, and her son gets unhappy because she got a bit nervous and checked on something…why can’t the son jsut say, mom, love you, glad you care, its sweet, and let it go…to get unhappy at mom is unfair…</p>
<p>Notice how its all on the kids terms…interesting…whatever the kid decides or chooses and informs the parents…seems so cold…and lacking of understanding on the kids part…</p>
<p>I understand that they don’t want mom bugging them about every little thing, but why not share a bit at first- food, roommate, classes, etc…after 18 years to tell mom she is being a pain is just rude</p>
<p>For all of you who lament your sons not calling—there is the other extreme which can be really hard too. Just took mine back to school today. Quick drop off, wasn’t on campus more than about 40min. He was very unhappy with dorm and has already called 4 times b****** about it. Yes, he’s right, we are paying a fortune and they have set the A/C so that it can not be turned up above “low” and its 85 in room. Yes, the bathroom grout is moldy, and yes his basement level room smells like mildew…BUT there is NOTHING I can do about it. I kissed his roommate goodbye and wished him luck…would it be terrible if I changed my phone numbers? ;)</p>
<p>I think it’s a sign of strength and an excellent relationship that Babar’s son feels comfortable openly communicating to his mother “give me space for now”. I don’t think it’s unfair at all and it WILL even out, if her son is given that time and space. </p>
<p>I only want D, and others, to call me because they genuinely, truly want to do so, not because they feel some obligation. </p>
<p>Of course, mailing out a big box of cookies will make the phone ring too. :)</p>
<p>This is the catch-22 of the modern ease of communications. A few days ago I was speaking with my H about what it must have been like for his Father and Paternal Grandmother when his Father came to Uni in the US from Egypt in 1948…The periodic letter, no phone calls to speak of- occasional cables with real news(almost never good).</p>
<p>Now we have the opposite. We are all accustomed to being able to instantly chat and message and all and so there is this sense of imperative to do so. Among my friends who sent kids off to school last year (very, very far away), there were those who knew where, when and what their kids were eating for dinner every night, and those who, unless there was an emergency, typically spoke once per week and left idle chit chat for MSN about once per week. </p>
<p>Generation after generation of parents and kids seemed to make do with very periodic contact, even in the beginning. Now that we have the freedom to choose, I think we have to establish basic limits (we will talk once per week or something like that) and then let the kids figure out what works for them. To do otherwise, even in the beginning, undermines the process of them learning to be on their own (IMHO).</p>
<p>When all else fails meditate and send cookies!</p>
<p>Agree with the care packages of luxuries. Shows you are thinking of him, with no expectation from him to return in kind.</p>
<p>babar:</p>
<p>It looks like your son is ready to exert some independence which is as it should be. I recommend that when you do talk to each other, you let him tell you what’s happening at college, you tell him what’s happening on the homefront, and try your hardest to refrain from ‘telling him what to do (printer, laundry, eating, activities, etc.)’ unless he asks your opinion. If when you do talk, the conversation sounds from his perspective as if you’re ‘mothering’ him too much, he’s likely to call less often. </p>
<p>After a few weeks or so, you’ll probably settle down into a calling/email pattern and it’ll at least be more predictable.</p>