<p>Truth be told, the one task I really helped her out with was her app for Wm & Mary/St Andrews, because if she gets in, for at least 2 years she’ll be far, far away. Fingers crossed.</p>
<p>I made the conscience decision that I was going to micro-manage her through her college apps (make lists, go over them often, check things off) because they were too important to mess up and she had a lot of stress getting the grades, taking the tests, writing the essays, etc, in spite of any “attitude” I got from her. Then I’d back off and let her live her life and learn from her mistakes. It’s been six years since those dreadful few months and we’ve gotten along great since then. It does get better!</p>
<p>eta: I did share the decision with her, letting her know that I knew I was more involved than either she or I wanted, but that was the way it was going to be. I think that it helped that she knew that this wasn’t how it was going to be for the rest of her life.</p>
<p>I would keep helping her. If she doesn’t get into college, she’ll be living with you for the rest of your life and you’ll have to put up with more snotty remarks! lol</p>
<p>You love her when she is being snotty or nice? Right? It’s no way to talk to you, but, as teenagers, we sometimes get cantankerous from all the stress of getting out of high school and getting into college.</p>
<p>I just wish my mom was as helpful as you! I love her, but I actually have to do pretty much everything related to getting me into college. She doesn’t know a whole lot about college, so I have to hold her hand through getting me into college. Weird huh?</p>
<p>My response to “I’m not stupid!” was “And neither am I. Now answer the question. A simple yes or no will suffice.”</p>
<p>^Perfect! I’m using it.</p>
<p>Chedva: Perfect reply. </p>
<p>But there are times when you don’t get an answer. Then there are consequences. And no, your child won’t be living with you forever, whether or not they go to college (or the right college). My daughter has found out in the last week or so that in certain areas I am right. I let two major issues happen after a warning of what could happen. Guess what? There were consequences, from the world…not from me. She really didn’t like it and I didn’t say I told you so!</p>
<p>Kids aren’t stupid. They just know more than we know. About everything.</p>
<p>I suppose you could meow back at her,</p>
<p>LOL…</p>
<p>This is just part of the stress of this time and the age of the child. I find it’s best not to address this much in real time, but later when things are calm and going well. </p>
<p>*Often followed by…
“Oops…Mom, where are those envelopes?”
*</p>
<p>Oh yeah! Been there, heard that. And, don’t we have to bite out tongues so we don’t say something like…“A smart kid like you doesn’t know where they are???”</p>
<p>Ugh!</p>
<p>You can’t win at this time. :/</p>
<p>{{{{ Hugs }}}}</p>
<p>If she’s not normally a brat, cut her some (silent) slack. Very stressful time, and we’re all a little short when we’re stressed out…I know I thought at some points it wouldn’t matter if my son got into a college or not, because I was planning to bury him in the basement any day! :rolleyes:</p>
<p>And to keep yourself smiling, just picture them feeding you soup and changing your bedclothes some day!</p>
<p>Here is why I am not quite so stupid in my D’s eyes as my H is: When she has told me something before and I’ve forgotten it, I preface my question with “I know you told me but…” H just asks the same question again and again.</p>
<p>^^^ I’ve told my H a million times that if they reference something/someone he is clueless about NEVER let them know. I’ll be happy to catch him up later. Just nod and smile.</p>
<p>Let her do her own applications. As she said, she’s not stupid and therefore is perfectly capable of doing her own applications. When I was applying to college, my dad was constantly on me about my application deadlines. At one point he started yelling and all my pent up stress came out and I just screamed at him for about ten minutes to let me do my own applications because I had already made lists of each school’s deadline with essay topics and marked off exactly what I’d already done. The only thing either of my parents did after that was proofread my essays and provide a better microphone so I could record music supplements. I got into my top choice school and it was good to have to experience that sort of autonomy.</p>
<p>^I wish I’d made that clear from Day 1. Good for you – you’re probably about 1-2 years more mature than her now because of it. Next plea for help will be met with a little more resistance on my part. How else is she going to handle being on her own?</p>
<p>On this forum, there are 100 threads about this topic, and about 300 different opinions. You know your daughter. You know what she needs. This is how kids learn…with a combination of “by themselves” and “with help.” Trust your instincts, and don’t do the “tough love” thing because it worked for other people. If I did that with my son, I believe he would not have been as successful at college apps./auditions (a complicated process in a busy year.) </p>
<p>Does that mean others weren’t fine alone? Does that mean he isn’t functioning just fine at school by himself? Not at all. Use your loving mommy-radar. The fact that you are asking the question at all means you won’t go overboard in your helping. Esp. if you are not doing it FOR her but HELPING her do it herself.</p>
<p>^Thanks for the vote of confidence – you’re right – I’ve got to strike the right balance for my specific child. When I read my original post, I realize I left out the context of her request, which was a two second call after school (with 3 APs) and before practice (she’s a 3 season varsity athlete). After practice, she goes to her tutoring job (a local 3rd grader). So it’s not like she’s sitting around with her feet up while I’m doing errands for her. Which is why I try to help, but I do need to set some (gentle) boundaries just so I don’t explode. It’s a balancing act.</p>
<p>Motherhood – the toughest job you’ll ever love.</p>
<p>“Right back at you sweetie” would’ve been my reply. And “you’re welcome, next time, you can do it yourself.”</p>