<p>From beloved D, this morning, when I tried to ask if she had given one of her recommendation writers the stamped addressed envelopes I had prepared for her…</p>
<p>Just wondering – what do other moms do when you get the snotty rude reply? I told her that’s no way to speak to me and she responds, “What way? This is my normal tone” in a completely snotty tone. I am torn – do I stop helping her with this whole college app thing (sending scores, filling out financial aid applications, going to Staples after work to get the exact kind of envelopes her Math teacher wants and then stamping them and addressing them)? I know it sounds stupid (the level of work I’m doing) and many here probably tell their kids to do it themselves, but I know she’s stressed beyond belief so I’m willing to help.</p>
<p>So “school me” CCers – where do you draw the line? Do you help if they’re nice about it and acknolwedge their help? Or do you count the days until they get in SOMEWHERE and you can finally say “you have now lost the rite to be rude to me.”</p>
<p>Often followed by…
“Oops…Mom, where are those envelopes?”
Just take a deep breath and get through this stressful period. She’ll thank you later, probably.</p>
<p>Wow. I have asked myself that question a 100 times the past year with S. I just try to remember that I am the adult. He, like your D, is under a lot of pressure to get things done. I have also helped out in a purely administrative role. S is more non-communicative, short than snotty (he responds by grunting). When I have reacted to his attitude he looks at me like “What??”. I have successfully taken a deep breath and left the room; I have also successfully told him he needs to be thankful! I have also handled with humor (which works best for both of us) when I tell him I just want to make sure he gets into college so that he is not living at home next year :)</p>
<p>I have seen a huge improvement in his overall demeanor this year because he is under less stress at school. There is a good chance that I might just miss him when he does leave for school ;)</p>
<p>Make a list of so far, what has been her responsibilities and what you have helped or taken care of. Have her look at YOUR list and tell her that all these things must be done - have her determine which she still wants your help with and which she is willing to take over. THEN, have her look at her list - and ask her if she is sure she can accomplish those and anything on your list that she wants to take over. </p>
<p>Be straight out and let her know ( I can here my neutral, but firm voice saying this!) that you are willing to help but that it’s not your obligation, therefore you won’t accept an attitude about your help. Or, she can resume ALL responsibilities - and remind her that either way, SHE is the one who accepts the results of it all - whether good or bad - cause it will set the stage for her college experience.</p>
<p>welcome to the "I have a kid who makles snotty comments " club :-)</p>
<p>Twio suggestions:
1- do not join her in the drama; calmly tell her precisely what you want: “please don’t speak to me in that tone of voice” . . then, when she tries to lure you into keeping the argument going, reply with either no words at all - a raised eyebrow works for me - or just repeat yourself once and calmly walk away</p>
<p>2-keep helping her with the college stuff . . . it’s your only hope that she’ll leave :-)</p>
<p>It’s not a battle I’m prepared to fight. I am the adult, she is the stressed child. H is the one who gets terribly upset. I tell him not to let a child determine his mood.</p>
<p>I suppose you could meow back at her, class of 2015. Maybe she’ll get the hint
My s tends to sigh and roll his eyes. It does seem to get better when we communicate via text. Dont hear the tone or see the facial expressions :)</p>
<p>Actually, just go with the ‘stupid’. For instance, I must have asked my D ten times if she’d finished and submitted a certain app. She complained that I wasn’t listening, wasn’t this, wasn’t that…but she knew that there was no way ‘Stupidissimama’ was going to be much use in keeping her on track so she did it herself. And when, in the course of about the fifth conversation about it, she was explaining to ‘Stupidissimama’ exactly what she has accomplished, she realized she’d forgotten a kind of important step, I just looked blank. Worked like a charm. </p>
<p>She knows I’m there for her…but not to the extent of addressing and stamping envelopes.</p>
<p>My kids sometimes use that line, and I usually respond with “Forgive me, but I remember when …” - and I make my point with some really humorously dumb thing done over the years. Usually no offense is taken because whatever incident was funny and not a shining moment of intelligence and you just have to laugh. It can backfire though if the kid is feeling particularly sensitive or out of sorts. Usually relieves the tension though.</p>
<p>^Thanks all. Good to hear I’m not alone. I did leave the room this morning. And I think I’ll text more. But it’s amazing – she can work a “tone” into even a 5 word text. It’s like they’re all haiku artists…:)</p>
<p>Hrm, I don’t think it’s alright to accept rude behavior, from anyone, but especially your own child. I’d respond with the same way I did when my kids were little and started whining. “Do you ever get what you want when you act/speak that way?”</p>
<p>My other response to the OP’s D’s comment of “I’m not stupid”, would be “Then why are you acting like you are?” In that particular case, she’s acting ‘stupid’ by being rude to someone who’s helping her! I wonder if she would speak that way to a teacher that she’s hoping will give her a good recommendation!</p>
<p>Great thread! Glad I’m through the admissions process with the snotty one, but I confess I actually told my DH this morning (for the first time ever) that I hope D’s D is just like her and if not, then I intend to bribe my future grandaughter to NOT respond to her mother’s phone calls and e-mails during her first year of college. There has to be some retribution, LOL!</p>
<p>I also believe in pointing out rude behavior. It’s our job as parents to train our children to be likeable creatures, rather than odious brats.</p>
<p>By preparing stamped self-addressed letters you may be treating her as stupid, thus the defensive comments. It’s still no excuse but maybe a reason.</p>
<p>GT–I did them because she asked me to. “Can you get some envelopes and put the addresses on them and stamp them?” Maybe I should have drawn the line then and responded “I’ll buy the envelopes and stamp them. You can address them.” </p>
<p>I think I’ll definitely stop reminding her about deadlines. Because she isn’t stupid.</p>
<p>I would certainly prepare the envelopes with such a request. So, we’re left with just plain snottiness of which I’ve been the victim many times. I did stop doing anything for D as she felt she was so much more capable than me (in truth she was).</p>
