I'm worried about my sister. Please help me.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My parents have two children. My older sister and myself.</p>

<p>My sister is much older than me (about seven and half years older). She’s 27, has no college degree, no ambitions, and still lives at home. Approaching 30 years of age, she still has no idea of what she wants to be, and is barely holding on to her job at a waitress at Red Lobster.</p>

<p>To make things worse, a little over a year ago her boyfriend at the time knocked her up, and she is now a single mom. Her ex-boyfriend, who truly loves the kid, can’t stand my sister, and doesn’t want anything to do with her. Which sounds a bit cruel, I know, but I can sympathize with him. My sister is very emotional, always thinks she right (which she never is), and always wants to get her way. She’s stubborn, delusional, and constantly P.O’ed, and I can see why no man of character would want to be with her.</p>

<p>Getting back to the point, she’s now a 27 year old single mom, working at Red Lobster, and still living with my parents (who are barely getting by themselves. I come from a lower-middle class family). My parents and I worry about her, and she appears to have no future whatsoever.</p>

<p>On the contrast, I’m a 19 year old University student, currently in my fourth semester of college. I’m a pretty good, ambitious student. I have studied abroad around Europe, plan on transferring to a top public school in the fall, plan on studying abroad again (this time to master French), plan on interning in Washington (I’m a PoliSci major), and eventually plan on attending an T-14 law school. My sister and I couldn’t be any more different. For this my parents absolutely adore me. They see me as the future of the family, and there’s a lot of pressure on me. However, they, and I, still want my sister will be at least somewhat successful. At least to the point where so she can live on her own and adequately provide for her son.</p>

<p>My parents have done everything they could to motivate my sister into going to school, but no avail. She’s getting older, and now that she has a kid, I’m losing hope. I feel as though she plans on living under mommy and daddy’s roof forever, or at least until a man comes and takes her away (but the way she acts that’s never going to happen). She has expressed interest to me in the past about going back to school, but she has never took the initiative to do it. I don’t know what to do, and am seeking guidance. What can I do to motivate my sister into going back to school? Any advice is appreciated.</p>

2

<p>Cannot do anything, do not even try. You have asked for advice. Here is mine.</p>

3

<p>You sound like a wonderful brother. I bet you’re a great uncle, too. </p>

<p>But, you’ll go crazy if you try to be a hero, too, and “rescue” your sister from herself. It rarely has a happy ending. As long as she’s not addicted, abusive, or otherwise unhealthy, she has to solve her own problems. (And, despite their good intentions, your parents are part of the problem as enablers.)</p>

<p>Please concentrate on your own goals and how to achieve them. That’s probably the best hope you can give your parents, and by extension, your sister. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

4

<p>The change has to come from inside of her. Nothing you can do externally will ever change that.</p>

5

<p>As long as your parents allow her to live at home and don’t force her to grow up, she never will. The baby complicates that but if they want her to change, they need to force her to change and that probably starts with kicking her out of the house–which probably should have been done about 7 years ago or more.</p>

6

<p>Agree with those who say you are clearly a kind and caring sibling, but that the drive to change has to come from within our sister. She sounds like she has some personality issues to work on as well as some behavior changes. If your parents make it too comfortable for her to stay at home, it will be hard for her to change. Good luck and stay our course.</p>

7

<p>Although you are a good brother and your parents feel responsible in taking care of their daughter, which to a point they should, but the question is how, and how long. I feel that they are enabling her to do what she does. they need to give her an ultimatum, either they will help her get an education and get her to the point where she becomes more independent, or she will have to start figuring out how to support herself without their help. Maybe hitting rock bottom will motivate her to do something. As long as she has someone taking care of her, there will be no motivation. This does not mean that they love her any less but in fact that they care enough to want the best for her.</p>

<p>You do realize that once your parents are unable to take care of her anymore, she will look to you to take their place.</p>

<p>I trying not to be harsh be sometimes its reality. Tough love sometimes works.</p>

8

<p>You’re a wonderful brother. However, it sounds like she should be evaluated by a doctor and that is something she has to agree to do. You cannot take on this responsibility, but maybe your parents can encourage her to seek help.</p>

9

<p>I agree there is nothing brother can do but concentrate on continuing his own success.</p>

<p>I would be careful, however, about issuing ultimatums to the sister, or saying she should be forced out of the parents’ home. At least without more information about whether she is a huge financial burden to her parents or otherwise abusive to them.</p>

<p>The fact is, she has a baby to raise. I would focus on trying to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant again, and trying to make sure she keeps her job. If she gets forced out of her home at this point, things could get very much worse for the child, and for her.</p>

10

<p>You can offer to see a therapist with her if you are willing to…sometimes when a person is depressed they cannot make the first move. You can ask her to go to a movie and such. Actually motivating her? No, you do not have that power. Also, consider that maybe college is not right for her but some type of job training could be, or that a skill (welding, electrician) might be more interesting and a faster track to a job for her.
Good luck and you sound like a caring person.</p>

11

<p>You sound like an awesome, caring brother and also very compassionate. Unfortunately , you aren’t very likely to " fix " your sister . For whatever reasons, sometimes siblings brought up in the same home , by the same parents have very different goals, values and ambitions
I am the youngest of four and one of us is so different from the rest that it shocks, embarrasses , and sometimes infuriates the rest of us…not to mention my mother
I think you could have a talk with her , but don’t expect it to change how she is. She is at the helm of her life , as are you
Keep up the good work on working towards your own goals</p>

12

<p>

</p>

<p>Have you ever asked your sister what her future plans are? Do you think she would agree that she plans to live with your parents forever? I’m going to be the devil’s advocate here and ask why you think you know better than she does what’s good for your sister? Maybe going back to school isn’t something she would be able to handle right now. There really is nothing wrong with being a waitress, and with a few years of experience, perhaps she can get a job at a higher end restaurant and earn a decent living. I know people in their 30’s doing just fine waiting tables at expensive places.
She has a baby, and probably knows that she needs the support of her family right now. She’s only 27, and she will mature. For some, it just takes a little longer.
Be a really good brother, be a good listener, help her out with moral support instead of criticism.<br>

</p>

<p>I hope you’ve never told her that. How hurtful.</p>

13

<p>You can actually make surprisingly good money waiting tables at a place like the Red Lobster. It’s an OK place to be for now. At some point, she’ll probably want to move out. When she’s ready, she will.</p>

14

<p>I know how you feel. I’m the only one of my sibs to go to college and to become a professional. One stayed behind to live at home a very long time. </p>

<p>I felt frustrated I couldn’t change them. I felt guilty because my life ended up in ways I thought were much better. And I felt angry that my sib lived at home and ‘mooched’. But then I realized it was not my life nor my business. If my parents cared so much about the mooching, they were adults and they could deal with it; obviously they didn’t care enough to change anything. So I stopped focusing on them and focused on things that impacted me only. </p>

<p>It is hard I know, and will be a slow process, but hopefully you will come to accept she is where she is and it is up to her. Other than being supportive when she shows signs of interest (e.g. point her to resources if she brings up going back to school), and being a good role model, you can’t make her life for her. </p>

<p>You need to focus on you, and achieving what you can for yourself. And keep in mind, some people actually like the low key, non-changing way they live their life and neither want nor suit more achievement/ambition/goals. </p>

<p>Most paths in life are very crooked. Only a tiny subset of people go from A to B to C. Most start at one spot, and end up down extremely different paths later on. I know from your vantage point she is ‘old’ yet from mine she has her whole life ahead of her. Looking after a young child while working is a giant handful already (and as someone who has been all around the world, pursued many degrees and been a mom- I can say she’s already had an amazing life experience that surpasses going around the world :)). </p>

<p>Here is a true story for you. I know someone who was, in her late 20s, working full-time at a cheesy chain restaurant. Know where she is now? A full professor at Harvard. I kid you not.</p>

15

<p>I can think of two things you can do to help her.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>You can stop looking down on her. Do you think that she is unaware of your low opinion of her? How do you think she feels about that? </p></li>
<li><p>You could offer to help her out when you are around. For example: you could offer to babysit your nephew. You could read to your nephew, go for walks with him, play with him, etc. You could ask her what she would like you to do to help her out. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Maybe you already do item #2. Wonderful! Concentrate, then, on item #1.</p>

16

<p>As you get older, you will learn one of life’s hard lessons: you cannot save other people.</p>

17

<p>

</p>

<p>I agree with this, this is where you need to start. The original post came across extremely snobby and self-righteous, and if that’s the attitude in your home, your sister is never going to believe she is capable or WORTH getting her crap together. It sounds like she’s a real piece of work and I think your heart and mind are in the right place, she does need to grow up and get it together, but I don’t think being so judgmental is doing anybody any favors. Saying things like “she thinks she’s always right (but she never is)” and “my parents absolutely adore me” followed by listing your resume makes ME feel discouraged and I’m not even your sister.</p>

18

<p>I would propose that the OP was not being harsh or judgmental but merely descriptive. I don’t know (probably because I don’t have better writing skills) how anyone can describe anyone who has a host of negative traits and come across is merely descriptive and not judgmental. </p>

<p>Let’s give the OP the benefit of the doubt that he was merely describing his sister accurately and is seeking advice about ways that he can help. </p>

<p>My advice to the OP is to focus on your life right now. Study and study hard. Your sister is in charge of her life and only she can change it. Your parents clearly are not fans of the ‘tough love’ approach’ so they will be continuing to deal with your sister and grandbaby on a daily basis. but that is their choice also. </p>

<p>Good luck to you.</p>

19

<p>Right now, your sister is a young single parent with a very young child and limited education.</p>

<p>It’s a challenge for a person in this situation to cope with her parenting responsibilities and hold down even a part-time job. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect her to pursue a more serious career or go back to school until the child is considerably older, unless your parents take on most of the responsibility for the child (which may not be a good idea for many reasons) or unless she marries a man who is willing to fully share in responsibility for the child.</p>

<p>Even if she were the most level-headed person in the world, right now, living with her parents and working at a relatively casual job might be the best choices for her because she has a child to raise and limited resources with which to do it.</p>

<p>I know you would like to see your sister do more with her life than she is doing now, but I think it would help if you recognized that her parenting responsibilities may prevent that.</p>

<p>There is a lesson here for you: becoming a parent changes everything. It’s a very good idea to go out of your way to avoid becoming a parent until you (and hopefully a partner) are truly ready for it (which usually means that both you and your partner have finished your education and at least one of you has a steady, decent-paying job with health benefits).</p>

20

<p>Be the best role model you can be. She is undoubtedly watching you and taking notes.</p>