<p>My daughter and son, 3 1/2 years apart, were pretty close when they were small. Now that they are adults and have their own lives (daughter has been on the other side of the country for nearly seven years), they have really grown apart. It’s understandable, but it makes me sad. I know that they are very different people, and the combination of living on opposite coasts as well as having very different interests and personalities does make staying connected a challenge, but I really feel they are missing an important relationship that could support them throughout their lives. </p>
<p>My brother and I were not close. He passed away about 10 years ago, and I really regret that I didn’t make more of an effort to bridge the gap. I do understand how hard it is when lives take radically different paths, but I wish there were something I could do to facilitate a closer bond. When I think of what my kids had and how much has changed between them over the years, I’m heartsick.</p>
<p>Does anyone have any suggestions for nudging siblings closer together? I’d love to hear them.</p>
<p>Do you know if they email/Facebook with each other??? These days, while it is not face-to-face contact, it is a way people keep in touch and what “works” for many young people. They may do this and feel it suits keeping up with each other. </p>
<p>If not, maybe be sure when you talk with them individually, that you mention stuff that is going on with the other one so they at least have some info as a way to be “in touch”. </p>
<p>Or you could throw a big party for some special occasion and fly them both home to attend! :)</p>
<p>Be careful how you approach this. It can be viewed as blaming/pressure/pushing. There may be something that you are not aware of. More than likely they are grown, busy, and will have to make the relationship a priority when they’re ready.
Don’t ask if they Facebook. You’ll sound silly, they will know you have an agenda. They know how to use facebook and are in communication that way if they want to be. If there is a special occasion to bring family together, lovely! Don’t create one. Do talk about the other sib during conversation. Be careful not to disclose private information. You will loose the trust of both children.
As much as you want to share your thoughts on keeping a close relationship with their sibling, you can no longer put them in a room until they make up. It has to be their road. As sad as it is for some parents, their children simply may not be best friends when they grow up. Yours may find common ground later in life, they may communicate more than you know. It has to be their doing.</p>
<p>I have found that dealing with a messy parental issue – alcoholism, divorce, shared dislike of a new spouse/partner, serious illness, death – can bring siblings together pretty quickly and effectively. Be thankful you have not provided any opportunities of that sort for your kids to bond over.</p>
<p>My son had an event on the east coast that required a flight out of the city where my daughter lives. I asked if he was going to have time to visit his sister, and the look on his face, like a lightbulb going on, convinced me that he really meant it when he said,“Oh, I didn’t even think of that!” They haven’t seen each other since Christmas, and when she was here then, they really seemed to enjoy each other’s company. How could he not have thought of her when flying out of her town?! He’s never seen her place or visited her on the east coast since she’s been away. This is the sister he used to follow around and idolize when they were in grade school.<br>
It turns out that he will plan to see her a few hours before his plane leaves, but he didn’t seem interested in prolonging the trip to make the visit longer. She took a day off work to accommodate his schedule, and seems more interested in spending time with him.</p>
<p>I know this is not within my control. They are both working hard to be independent and self-sufficient, and we have good relationships with both of them. But you’re right, blueiguana, they are grown and it’s up to them to decide what they want from each other- not me. My son may have felt a bit of pressure in that he knew I wanted, and expected, him to visit her while he was in her city, and may be annoyed at me because of it. Thanks for pointing that out, as I will be careful to not inquire too much about how the visit went or put my own hopes for their relationship onto him when he gets back.</p>
<p>It’s funny how, while you’re raising your kids, many of the things you worry about turn out to be for naught, while some of the things you take for granted may never materialize. But it’s time to let go, and let whatever it is, be.</p>
<p>One of the ways my family keeps in touch is through vacations. Yes, when my sis and I were young brides or young professionals, our parents paid for most of the trip costs. But, looking back, had it not been for their generosity, there would have been a big gap in our relationship.</p>
<p>SO, to make sure that HIS children kept in communication, my FIL gave each of his four children a decent amount of money under the condition that all invest together. I think he must be the only human on the planet who thinks that’s a good idea. Textbook case of how to turn siblings who are indifferent to one another into siblings who hate one another. It’s* such *a source of stress in the family!</p>
<p>My older sister is nine years older than me, I didn’t see or talk to her at all for six years of my life (age 10-16) because my parents had a PPO against her, and now I only see her once a year-- but we still talk almost daily on facebook. My mom is not aware. It’s not a secret, it’s just not something we have any reason to discuss with her. Maybe your kids are more involved with each other than you know.</p>
<p>My younger sister and I have no relationship, though I still see her from time to time as she lives with my parents. I suspect when she is older and we are both settled down and have kids of our own, she is going to be more interested in a relationship with me. From what I have observed with my older sister, I think that stage of life makes one take more interest in family than when you’re young and trying to establish yourself as an independent being.</p>
<p>^ Good for you for establishing a relationship of your own in a way that is comfortable to you.
This is why I mentioned to the OP that there may be communication she does not know about. My brother and I chat now and again on facebook. He no longer lives in the US. We fondly refer to mom as ‘bad-mother-unit’ when she’s acting up. This may not be the kind of communication OP wants or would find humor in… at this stage of our lives, we find it hysterical! Much of our fb chats are after she’s called him (forgetting the time difference…after 20yrs?!) and wants to chat away when it’s 4am there…then she hears another voice and wants to know who it is. Dear God mother! He’s a 45yo grown man living thousands of miles away, he can have anyone he wants in his bed!.. or she’s stopped by my house and told me that keeping a man happy isn’t sleeping in men’s pj’s (ie not lingerie). So there are some things that you can only laugh about with your sibling… and you only NEED to do when you are older… jeez even my brother knows if I’m in my husbands pj bottoms on a Sunday morning when mom decides to ‘Pop’ by… well, let’s just say that’s probably not what I went to bed in… :)</p>
<p>My kids range from late teens to 25 and ever since the eldest first left home we have encouraged the kids to visit each other to the point of making it known that we would pitch in on the costs of any trip to visit the other one.</p>
<p>Sometimes we have paid for the entire flight, sometimes split it, sometimes just a tank of gas and some cash to buy their sibling a meal, but we feel that sibling relationships are one of the best you can have and we wanted to encourage our starving students to make the effort even if they could not entirely afford all the associated costs.</p>
<p>Somemom, I feel like you do. I told my son I’d cover any expenses of his visit, and encouraged taking a cab rather than saving money with public transportation to save what little time they had. I do hope he didn’t see this as “pressure” to visit, but he may have.</p>
<p>They don’t converse on Facebook- my DD and DH are facebook “friends” and he can see her posts and wall. My son doesn’t really do much on facebook, actually. Rare for a 22 year old, I know, but he isn’t into it. I know they don’t converse much because each one asks me how the other one is! After I update them I sometimes say, "Why don’t you give her/him a call sometime? " They both answer, “I should.” But it seems they never do.</p>
<p>^ You are probably right, however fb chat is like IM’ing at the bottom of the page so you wouldn’t see it. Sometimes young people have their family blocked from different connections (ie you don’t see the good stuff mom!).
Your sentiment to pay for their trips are kind. They will work in many families. I am looking back to when I was college age and my brother was just out of school…if my mom had ‘sent’ me to see him we’d have both died. I was still an ‘in-the-way’ little sister. We had to grow into our adults selves, and find our adult relationships on our own. My H & his DS were totally different…irish twins, went to college together, and are still very, very close. But that’s who they are.
My point being don’t judge how they are now as how their relationship will be in 5-10 years from now. That may seem forever to you. They are just trying to get their lives going and even though during the day they are all grown up, put them with a sibling and they are still little kids again…they may not like that just now. It will work itself out. I am far more in the ‘family beach vacation week, parents foot the bill’ than the ‘I’m sending you a ticket to fly to your brothers’. That’s just me.</p>
<p>This is something that never occurred to me, but of course it would be so. Especially since they are both newly on their own. “Little Brother” especially may be sensitive to this, which might explain why big sister is usually more interested in getting together than the other way around. Great insight, blueiguana.</p>
<p>Another note- I’d actually find it amusing and not mind it in the least if my kids talked behind my back calling me “bad-mother-unit”. I’d enjoy that they have that kind of bond. They used to. When Star Wars came out when they were kids, I was fondly and irreverently referred to as C3PO. If you remember that character, you’ll know that’s not a compliment!</p>
<p>moonchild- I honestly think it’s great that you want to foster this for your kids. PLEASE do not take my comments as deterrents! They are only small insights from my experience.<br>
I do like the idea of a family vacation. Your children won’t spend their money this way, even if they have it, for a long time. Making a tradition of a beach week, skiing trip, whatever THEY would find fun. Yes, parents foot the bill here. I don’t know if this is financially possibly for you. Depending on where you are in the country this tradition, with the kids bringing their own families as the years progress is very common (kids begin paying their share when they are able).
btw- I do remember C3PO! I know far too much Star Wars trivia to hold my head up anywhere but Comic Con! I have my big brother to thank for this…</p>
<p>I don’t think there really is anything you can do – except make sure that you aren’t putting any barriers in their way.</p>
<p>My 24-year-old son and about-to-turn-21-year-old daughter were very close as children but grew apart during adolescence and now rarely communicate with each other (they live on opposite sides of the country and see each other only once a year – and I don’t think they call, text, e-mail, or IM each other in between, although they may look at each other’s Facebook pages). They seem to have little in common, and I guess they’re too young to value the unique relationship of siblings.</p>
<p>I was also very distant from my own sister (whom I did not get along with well when we were children) when we were young adults. But in middle age, we became closer. Oddly, it helps that she now lives on the opposite side of the country; we communicate better by e-mail than we do in person. It also helped that we were forced (by certain decisions made by older members of our family) to cooperate as co-executors of three estates: our mother’s, our father’s, and an aunt’s. We found that we could work cooperatively in settling the affairs of these family members even though we are very different people, and I think we learned greater respect for each other’s ability and knowledge. But you can’t exactly plan that sort of thing.</p>
<p>moonchild, if you find the magic potion, let me know. My two sons have never been close, even as children. Any info. they have about the other comes from me. I wish they had a relationship but it just never developed despite all my best efforts.</p>
<p>I second the idea of offering to pay for the siblings to meet up. With the kids getting older there will come a day when all they have outside of their friends is each other and their spouses. The special relationship of siblings is knowing that there is somebody who shares your childhood and the memories. It is one of the most special bonds next to your husband/wife and kids. Have you discussed this with either of your kids? I think sometimes we all take the people closest to us for granted, thinking there will always be time to make ammends or to get reaqainted. Unfortuantly, life has a way of passing by and relationships get lost. In your kids case it is not too late.</p>
<p>Also family gatherings might be planned at fun and exciting places. That is a sure way to get all involved. Do you have family parties and holidays at home inviting extended family? Try to do as much of this as possible and maybe something will spark for the kids.</p>
<p>I really like the vacation idea, but logistics (the kid’s lives) make this a tough one. </p>
<p>We’re big on holiday celebrations. We always have extended family here for Thanksgiving and Christmas- and had a big birthday party for DH last year. My son was able to make it to all. My daughter was only able to come for Christmas. She lives on the other side of the country and won’t be here again until next Christmas. She’d love to come “home” more often and we pay for her airfare, but it seems either work or school prohibits it. That’s why I was really pushing for my son to see her while he was in her east coast city.
They did meet up, btw, and had a breakfast and dinner together, although not alone as my son was with his gf and family. It’s a great family, though, and I’m sure it was fun for my daughter. Just not that much bonding for the two of them. But much, much better than nothing.</p>
<p>I offered to reimburse him for his expenses, and he declined with, “No thanks. I didn’t mind.”
He really is working at being all grown up.</p>
<p>Another note, my siblings were all much older than me, so I was not very close to them, simply because of the age difference; they had all left home by the time I was 10.</p>
<p>As we became adults, 2 of them delayed kids until they were in their 30s, and I had kids in my 20s. Two of my kids were the same grades as two of their kids, sharing that similar life experience at the same time made for huge connection opportunities.</p>
<p>I also agree on the family vacation idea, if I can afford it, I would always want to offer to pay for my kids to join up with their families on family trips as we age.</p>
<p>My in laws did this a few times and it could be nice…depending of course on the company you keep ;)</p>
I know far too much Star Wars trivia to hold my head up anywhere but Comic Con! I have my big brother to thank for this…</p>