<p>I’m in one of those blue moods and this has been bothering me for a while… depressed and feeling cynical. Wish my GF was smarter, and don’t think that’s a good reason to dump her after 7 months of a relationship… after all intelligence is not everything, but she doesn’t provide for interesting conversations or have any real passions other than watching manga, which I do watch and found to my delight that I actually enjoy… but I feel like I am missing something, and either need smarter gf or to do math in solitude. (She’s a math person as well), and she also cares for me. About 4 months ago she flunked one of her calculus midterms (which didn’t bother me, who am I to judge?), and now she can’t take it anymore, but even though I offer to teach her and learn with her, she just gives up, and doesn’t seem to have much of an interest in math anymore or at all, other than to get her degrees for engineering… and so I feel I was cheated when I got close with her.</p>
<p>How do I proceed from here? I think she would be absolutely devastated and heart broken if I broke up, and I do love her, but my intellectual side is not being stimulated at all with her. Regardless of what happens we’ll be friends, but I don’t want anything bad to happen…this feels like Catch 22, and may be a trivial crisis for most people here who may have gone through much worse. So indeed regardless the outcome it’s not the end of the world, but I am just not happy and want to know if there’s another option.</p>
<p>What you’re feeling is very typical when two people are in a relationship and one decides it’s not working for whatever reason. Expect to be in this position again while you’re young and dating. It’s normal.
It sounds like you want to break it off but are afraid to. Afraid of hurting her feelings, and afraid of whatever fallout comes from that. But think of it this way. Are you really being fair to her to stay in a relationship where she isn’t being valued and cherished?
Is it fair to continue on just because you don’t have the courage to end it? </p>
<p>Whatever you do, try to be honest without being unnecessarily hurtful. Of course she’ll be hurt, but you can preserve her feelings and dignity by being careful how you approach it. Don’t tell her she’s not smart enough for you or say anything critical of her. You might say how much you’ve enjoyed your relationship and that you care for her, but that you really don’t feel like moving forward with it at this point in your life. Just saying that it’s not working for you right now but don’t know exactly why is better than saying anything hurtful. As the mom of both a daughter and a son, I assure you that preserving her dignity is important if you want to remain friends. </p>
<p>But it does sound like you need to take a break from the relationship, as it’s not positive for you, and therefore not for her either. Don’t be afraid. She’ll probably be upset, but you can mitigate it somewhat by how well you handle it.</p>
<p>And whatever happens, don’t talk about her to your friends, unless it’s to say something nice. Treat her as you would like to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot.</p>
<p>Great advice from moonchild as far as how to treat her. The discovery process of what you need to be fulfilled in a relationship is what dating is all about. Relationships should be a joy, and when they become a burden, that’s a great big red flag that it’s time to move on, with as much thoughtfulness and sensitivity as you can. The intellectual part of any relationship is key in the long run, and if it’s not there, then she’s not a keeper, no matter how nice and sweet. Good luck.</p>
<p>Great advice from both of you!! I am going to wait till I can see her in person to talk things out, but without mentioning why or my reasons for it, and that way I’m pretty sure we can make a semi smooth transition to still very good friends without hard feelings.</p>
<p>Shush, you have to be prepared for the hard feelings, but you have to be true to your own needs. You are not doing yourself or her any favors by staying together just so you don’t upset her. Be strong!</p>
<p>Be kind and don’t blame her for your dissatisfaction with the relationship. You certainly shouldn’t stay with someone out of guilt. She is also a perfectly fine person without needing to share your interests, priorities, or abilities. Sometimes, it just doesn’t work out.</p>
<p>For future reference, is it absolutely necessary that your gf be interested in math? Is it a dealbreaker for you if she is not? Intellectual stimulation is a valid need in a relationship, but it’s also important not to limit one’s options to an arbitrary interest set. Some of the happiest long-term couples I know do not actually share interests or hobbies at all. What they share is a common set of values and a compatible set of communication styles.</p>
<p>^you’re absolutely right, and I wouldn’t mind at all for her to pursure in whatever she wants to pursue, she portrays herself as a math person and avid interest in math, not much else, hence she is being very meritocratic about her reasons for math, and I am going to nicely break up with her, without stating my reasons, other than I am not ready to commit to a full relation, and she will stil be a very close and dear friend to me, but this way I will not be cheating her of her time for something that is inevitably coming. There are a few other variables that make it complicated, for example her parents outright loathing me for simply being deaf. While she is not part of it, it does affect her as well if not more than me, when her parents scold her for merely contacting me (they do not know that we are/were couples). I perhaps am also not truly ready for a committed healthy relationship, and will re-explore that option later on perhaps after college.</p>