This appears to be more between you and your H, not with the in-laws. I would suggest for you to tell you H how you feel. I think this may be an ongoing issue between two of you. He may not even realize that’s how you feel - “He doesn’t value your time and effort in the relationship.”
- did you do the work expecting money? If yes, keep all that is offered graciously.
- if money was not expected, refer to earlier post about HIS parents versus yours
- Optional suggestion for him is to give the excess to charity/college fund/fund for those same parents just in case
This is only a big deal if you make it a big deal. As you said, no one really needs the money.
My parents have taken to sending fairly large checks (hundreds) for various birthdays/anniversaries/etc. I think it is too much, but it would offend them to give it back. I delayed depositing checks and that got me in hot water with them as well. They are in their 80s and have decided that giving the money to us as a ‘gift’ is preferable to giving it to the government when they pass.
So you, not your husband, did an enormous bunch of work for his parents. They said thank you with a monetary gift. Your husband , not you, decided to give it back. Wow.
This isn’t his business. His parents give you anything, that’s between you and them (ok, unless it’s a puppy!) My husband would have been in the doghouse, and THEN he would go apologize to the parents for interfering. I do think it’s a big deal – he insulted you, and them. I’d at least allow myself to be mad. And allow myself to let him know it.
Your husband needs to take this money and shower YOU with some love. Does he not realize what an awkward position you were put in during this whole house chaos?!
Please show his this thread:
Dear Hubby of really kind person,
I have heard of the chaos and stress that your parents’ buying-but-not-moving into a new house has caused your wife. It sounds like she really stepped up and went above and beyond what would have been expected of an “in law.” She did it out of love, yes, but you really messed up trying to not accept the thank you gift that your parents offered.
First, it can be insulting to the giver to refuse a gift. And second, it sounds like your wife put in a lot of effort in this situation, and so you were refusing a gift on her behalf as well.
Take the money. Tuck some of it away if you feel so compelled. Then take the rest and splurge on your wife. Take her away for a weekend getaway. (Or at least a fancy night out to the symphony and dinner.) Verbally thank your wife for loving well on your parents during a difficult time.
And jewelry. Buy your wife some jewelry. She deserves it.
I understand where you are coming from, not wanting to trade your love for family for a pile of cash. But think of the bigger picture here, and let your parents feel generous. Allow them to save face here, since they surely know their abrupt decision not to move caused a lot of trouble for everyone.
And let your wife feel appreciated.
Sincerely,
A Stranger who just had to declutter and sell a parent’s home
(and all I got was a seafood dinner and a box of photos!)
As the thread unfolded, it became clearer that YOU did the work (your husband did not) and that he returned a large chunk of the gift with the reasoning that he thought his parents paid you too much. That changes things for me. In my view, he interfered with a gift your in-laws gave YOU. In this case, he could offer an opinion if he wanted, but it was up to you whether to accept the gift or give it back (and surely not to put a dollar value on how much your time was worth!!). In this case, a polite “no need to pay me” to your in-laws would be a nice gesture letting them know you did it for love, but if they insisted, keep the gift because it gave them pleasure to show their appreciation for your efforts in this manner. Originally, I thought the final decision should be your husband’s because they are HIS parents, but in this case, the help given was ONLY yours and the gift was meant from your in-laws to YOU. It really had nothing to do with him.
It also sounds to me that this hit on a deeper issue of your husband’s appreciation for work you do (usually for free) and putting a value on it. I think you should share your feelings about this with your husband. I think the fact that you helped HIS parents is even needing more appreciation then any work you do in your own home.
@powercropper 's letter is great!
I predict that if your BIL keeps what he was given, that your H will then brood about that and demand some equalization when your ILs die. 
Some people are just very strange about money.
Years ago, when my S was 18 mos old and I went back to work part time, H referred to my income as “peanuts.” The situation did not improve thereafter. (Of course, the fact that I was part time was what made it possible for him to work full time and not worry about a single thing having to do with the household…)
Here’s what I think you should say to H: “I understand you felt bad taking money from your parents, and that’s OK. However, that money was really for me, not you, since I did most of the work. So I figure you owe me a substantial portion of the money you returned to them. You can repay me with cash, right now, or by [fill in the blank with something you’ve been wanting him to do].”
I think returning part but not all of the money is idd no matter who did the work. Either you are comfortable accepting the money or you’re not.
And given that he didn’t even do the work, and BIL and SIL are involved too, it just seems like it’s trying to make some kind of point. “I’m not like the others–I don’t want your money. Or at least not as much of it…”
And in case the above sounded harsh, I will add that I can imagine my husband doing something similar. Not that specifically because his useless siblings would never help :). But he is very very uncomfortable when people give him money. I think a lot of men are and it can make them do really odd things in response.
How thoughtful of your in-laws to pay you for your services! A more common complaint would be “I do all this stuff for my in-laws and they never even say thanks”.
My husband would be the one saying we don’t want the money - and he wouldn’t mean it as a slight to me. I have had to “teach” him to accept graciously. We usually tell our parents what we did with the money (bought a new dishwasher, or whatever), but we actually always make sure we have that amount available to “refund” should our parents ever need it.
If you have children, you could accept the money and tell your in-laws you did the work out of love, not an expectation of any payment, but you really appreciate it and you will put it in a college fund for their grandchildren. Then have your kids write a thank you note to them for the money put in the college fund.
I would have graciously accepted it. You didn’t do all the work expecting a monetary reward and your in-laws were saying thank you and showing they appreciated all your effort. People really need to learn how to graciously accept a gift or compliment!
As for your husband, let him know how his actions seemed to you to devalue your efforts. Let him know how this made you feel. He was way out of line on this one.
Python20 says it well “people really need to learn how to graciously accept a gift or compliment!” You don’t argue with the giver of a gift, or tell the giver they are wrong for giving you a gift, or try to return said gift to the giver.
I have been training my dear H for years. “Honey, thank you for taking out the trash!” His reply “Don’t I always??” That exchange of words did neither of us any good. Now I say “Honey I’m about to give you a compliment. Just say thank you” before I go on to tell him I appreciate him taking out the trash. He is a work in progress, but I think I’ll keep him!
^^^This.
^^^ And this.
Just wondering:
Why is this obvious?
OP First of all you should sit back and take a deep breath. In your earlier posts it sounded like this home purchase could cause much conflict in your family. It seems the house was sold and the ILs presented a cash gifts to the children. So the house is out of the picture and the ILs appear to be happy if they are giving out gifts. This is wonderful.
Next your husband needs to know that people give gifts because they want to. IMHO asking the hubby for more cash is kind of tacky. I would say, “You know I’ve missed most of the summer taking care of your parents house. Let’s go to the lake or city so I can catch up.” Your price point for the mini vaca should be 80% of the gift. Or just let it go.
Some people think taking care of an empty house is a nonjob, because after all it is empty. They don’t give any thought to day-to-day maintenance or cleaning before a showing.
I know you’re ticked about the gift money, but think what would be if this house sat on the market for many more months, had a major repair issue, or was sold at a substantial loss.
Take the experience as a whole and move on.
Money can make people weird. Here are some examples (none of which might apply to your situation, but they illustrate the possibilities). 1) Parents think that if they give to one child, they must give the same amount to all children. Some of the children are okay with this, others aren’t. 2) Parents think that if they give money to the children, the children are beholden to them. 3) Children think that if they receive money from the parents, they owe the parents. 4) Parents do not realize that giving gifts late in life might put them into Medicaid divestment territory. One child realizes this; others don’t. That child realizes he or she can’t control what his siblings do with their gifts but he or she can control his own family’s share.
I just don’t like the way the hubby trumped this wife.
Why doe he think he has essentially “veto power” in this situation? Sure it’s 'his parents" but this is a long-term marriage so it’s not like the wife has a recent relationship with these folks. They probably think of her like a daughter.
The wife is not a child, she’s an educated woman…it was a gift to her, not him. She worked, she helped prevent the in-laws from sustaining a larger money loss.
It would be one thing if he said to his wife, “that is too much money. It’s your decision, but I would feel better if you gave $XXX back.” But no, it’s like he essentially grabbed it out of her hands and gave it back. How disrespectful.
Sorry, I just meant by the nature of the fact that we were in no way expecting to get money for the work that we did, and relative to all of our financial status’ it is not so much that we would be going hungry without it ;).
I love some of these responses! I had not even really thought about it being something more for ME than for US.
I’ve had the same issue. I might understand it, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.
powercropper’s letter is great!