<p>…My FIL and MIL have always liked “stuff” – they like to hunt down the bargain, they like to spend money in general. However, over the past 5-6 years things have gone from quirky to downright alarming. They’ve bought a broken carousel horse that is now lying in the yard (they live on 8 secluded acres in suburbia). They own 5 tractors. They’ve installed 6 of those storage sheds, one just for Christmas ornaments and electric figures. This is in addition to a large home and an enormous garage (easily 2,500sq ft) that are both full of things they buy at auction. Dishes, carpets, furniture, Happy Meals, christmas trees, lighthouse figures… They own 5 sets of deck furniture. It’s all on the deck. My FIL was injured a few months ago when attempting to work on one of the many machinery things (chippers, lawnmowers, tractors, skeeball!!) in the garage; a bunch of stuff fell on him. The drop ceiling he put in years ago is also falling down/off in pieces, randomly.</p>
<p>Their home has a leaking ceiling and heating problems. The siding is riddled with carpenter bees and the driveway/lawn is littered with dead plants, birdhouses, fencing. etc…</p>
<p>The last straw was their excitement about purchasing…a piano. Neither of them plays. The home has no ground floor entrance but FIL was going to have the two of them carry it in. My husband finally talked them out of it. They don’t always return our phone calls (“oh” she’ll say “I meant to do that”), don’t have a landline anymore, and my BIL is physically closer but not likely to intervene. I am really worried, but I don’t see what we can actually do about any of this. I am hoping that when DH tells them we can’t stay there anymore, and stay 20 minutes away in the closest hotel, they will start to see it’s a problem. These are people with financial means, and college educations (in his case) and they are only in their very early 70’s.</p>
<p>My in laws own a “store” which is filled with nicely arranged junk… Also a huge garage that was once a carriage house. Second story of the garage is filled, first floor can fit one car. Barely.</p>
<p>Their saving grace is that it is all decently organized, and neatly stored, but omg there is a lot of it! </p>
<p>The problem is that among the cr** there are valuable items. But unless you have some knowledge of that particular genre of collectables it all looks the same. Example: on a shelf of matchbox cars is one replica of a very old tin car, and one actual very old tin car that is worth real money. </p>
<p>Their children all are trying to get them them to do some cataloging and inventory of the things that have value and the things that don’t. They could do a great episode of Antiques Roadshow just on their stuff!</p>
<p>And the home maintainance issues also exist, though not to the extent of your inlaws’. Very old, large home, desperately needs to have some work done on parts of the siding. And they have the original, single pane, wavy glass windows. Beautiful, but you can watch the sheers wafting in a strong winter wind. I dress in many layers when we visit in the winter.</p>
<p>Good luck. When I watch those hoarder shows I see greed, and selfishness. Yes there is often a degree of mental issues, but Maybe its starts with look at all the stuff we have.<br>
Then it becomes an addiction. I think it’s more an addiction. But then I habit had to seal with it. We see the t treating of these people with kid gloves because they react with temper tantrums. Is that the best way I don’t know. Seldom seems to be.</p>
<p>How is the cleanliness? Do the toliets work?</p>
<p>You have my deepest sympathies. Unfortunately, hoarding is a mental disorder that gets worse with age and is not easily corrected…even with interventions from family/mental health specialists/housing code inspectors. </p>
<p>Last year, I helped out a friend whose recently deceased parent had serious hoarding issues and it was a lot of work…especially considering no one else in the family was able or willing to help out. </p>
<p>To worsen matters, we only had 6 weeks to clean out a junk-packed 3 story-1 basement house because the house needed to be sold off due to reverse mortgage taken out against both of our advice. Did I mention it was during the height of summer?</p>
<p>It was physically and mentally taxing. </p>
<p>In comparison…it took several aunts/uncles, their kids, and mom nearly six months to clean out grandma’s smaller Bay area house…and she was a minimalist with possessions and was extremely meticulous about organizing them in house and storage. </p>
<p>From mom’s description…sounds like they had far less than 1/5 of the stuff my friend and I had to clean out. And they didn’t have to deal with broken objects and filth. :(</p>
<p>There is also great amount of laziness. People who accumulate without fixing the maintenance problems are avoiding the unpleasant work and instead, buy stuff because it makes them feel like they’re doing something. If you spend your money on stuff, you don’t have any to spend on repairs.
My mom is always making “improvements” to her home- buying plants, patio decor, furniture, appliances- while at the same time her home is cluttered and needs a good cleaning. She’ll go out shopping, and then complain that she has no energy to pick up the clutter in the family room (that has been sitting there for months.) Her garage is also stacked to the brim, and has room barely for one car.
People like this don’t want to change, and they are insulted if you suggest that they should.</p>
<p>I spent a considerable amount of time throwing out old junk in the basement a few months ago after combining two households. Now we have a neat and tidy basement with room enough to walk around and workout. My wife is a pack-rat but agreed to a lot of things that I tossed - she was even somewhat eager to throw out old stuff.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine purposefully accumulating junk as I need a reasonable neat and tidy environment to be productive in and junk everywhere bothers me.</p>
<p>One issue with hoarders is that they view all their possessions…including stuff an objective person would view as junk as an extension of themselves and would view even suggestions of tossing stuff out as a direct attack on themselves. </p>
<p>And that’s assuming that relatives/mental health specialists/health code inspectors have the mental and emotional fortitude and reserves to deal with an often Sisyphean task of forcibly tossing out junk posing as health hazards considering the hoarder will just accumulate more junk at a later point and you’re back to square one…or worse. </p>
<p>And that’s assuming people who don’t live in the house know about the hoarder and his/her problem…</p>
<p>I just completed five days of helping my parents go through their things because they have moved to a retirement home and are having an auction for the items they no longer need. The reason my parents are hoarders is not because of greed and selfishness, as someone mentioned up thread, but because they can’t make a decision. They think they might use that item again someday, or someone else might need it. They don’t know how to throw things away. My dad wants to repair the garden hoses before selling them (just throw them away), and my mother had a very nice looking iron that I almost put out to sell, until she told me it doesn’t work (just throw it away). The only way junk got thrown away during the last five days, was if I was standing right next to them as they went through things, and they debated about the value of the item, I would say, “toss it”, and then it went to trash.</p>
<p>This is a constant battle with dh. His family definitely has hoarding tendencies, and myself and my SIL (wife of his brother) have really had to set boundaries. She’s stricter than I am. She simply won’t let certain things in their house, like plastic cups from a sporting event, for instance. I’m less strict, but I have started a “if something comes in, what goes out” philosophy. And I let dh have almost full run of the garage. That’s where he can keep whatever ridiculous piece of wood that he comes across.</p>
<p>Dh’s sisters are another story. When his oldest sister died, and we went to her apt, it was almost like those shows – crap everywhere, half-eaten food, etc. The other sister thinks that if she buys a plastic bin and puts a label on it, somehow it’s no longer crap. But it is. How many broken pencils does a family need? But there they are, in a clear plastic shoe box labeled “pencils” along with dozens of other plastic shoe boxes with labels like “stickers” and “notepads” and “tape.”</p>
<p>What’s worked best for me with dh is just saying that I can’t operate in a space with so much clutter. I refused to go to the sister’s apt anymore. When he brings junk home, I just sweep it into a drawer, and he never misses it.</p>
<p>I think that all you can do is put of a boundary. When they ask for help in bringing some new item into their home, you say , “No.” No reason is needed. Just say No over and over until they finally hear you. Do not relent. Do not let yourselves be swept up into their mess. That is what I mean by a boundary. You may not be able to change their behavior, but you can work on your own response. </p>
<p>It sounds like they do not want any help, so I don’t think that there is anything you can do aside from contacting their town/public health. They may require them to move which would put them in a more sanitary living situation but this would only be a temporary solution. </p>
<p>My parents moved to a smaller home and they were forced to confront how much stuff they had. It was very difficult for them to get rid of so much of it. My brother and I had to help and we had to be very firm. In the end, they were grateful that we helped and were firm with them as it allowed them to attain their goal of moving into a new, smaller home that was up the street from their grandchildren. They were not quite at the hoarder stage, but were moving in that direction. Having a goal (the move) and help (my brother and I) allowed them to move forward. They have not built up their ‘stash’ since moving. Yay!</p>
<p>I"m sorry you are dealing with this. It is a very painful situation.</p>
<p>It’s like dealing with 3 year olds with lots of money. MIL was destitute as a child, so I can understand her but she clearly is embarassed by how it has escalated. My FIL just loves the deal. Loves the hunt. Loves the “victory” of possession, but doesn’t much care about owning. We’ve suggested having a yard sale but they resist like crazy. Keep saying when they die, we’ll get all this valuable stuff. (BIL and DH joke to their parents’ faces that we’ll just have to resort to burning the whole place down. Sigh) </p>
<p>Did I mention they also throw their leftovers into the yard for the animals? When 4-5 raccoons attempted to chew through their French doors to get into the house, my BIL and DH threatened to call the health department. I gave them tracts about Hanta virus and rabies. They acknowledge that it isn’t very smart, but I’m don’t know I believe that they’ve stopped. My kids haven’t been in the “yard” in 10 years or so. Both MIL and FIL have been treated for Lyme. The woods are full of deer, foxes, raccoons, possums, mice… </p>
<p>I’m reading this and thinking DH will have to sit them down. This is nuts.</p>
<p>Wait a minute. Is this really ‘hoarding’ or is it a bit of quirkiness on their part in the stuff they like? Frankly, I know all kinds of people who have ‘collections’ of stuff that I personally would want no part of yet it’s meaningful to them. I know some people who have a bunch of old cars in their yards that some people would call ‘hoarding’ or ‘junk’ on that I find interesting and wouldn’t mind having some of them. My W has tons of fabric that I wouldn’t mind getting rid of but she says (and I believe her) that she uses it to make quilts. I have a bunch of lumber remnants and containers with miscellaneous screws/bolts and other assorted bits and pieces in the garage that I’m sure my W wouldn’t mind throwing out but I keep it because I anticipate using it at some point (and maybe saving me a trip to Home Depot).</p>
<p>I personally don’t think it’san issue, even if it doesn’t suit your style, unless - </p>
<ul>
<li><p>It’s a health issue - actual trash and old food, etc. laying around attracting pests and germs.</p></li>
<li><p>It’s a safety issue - where one can’t walk around the house or up and down stairs safely because of too much stuff in the way.</p></li>
<li><p>It’s a financial issue - where they’re spending themselves into the ground buying things they don’t need and end up not using - i.e. buying it to just have it then repeating.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>Really, there are lots of people, maybe most, who have some boxes of Christmas stuff they store and some people have more than others (I know someone who goes all out on the decorations). Some people collect things they like that other people have no interest in. I guarantee that if I go into your house you have some things on display that I’d just get rid of if it suddenly became mine and the reverse is also true.</p>
<p>The drop ceiling issue and stuff falling needs to get taken care of but that could be due to simple maintenance neglect and not storing things as they should - something that happens in many households of people who aren’t hoarding. Maybe you could help them with straightening out some of the stuff, perhaps getting appropriate shelving/cabinets, and giving them a reference to a company/person who can fix their drop ceiling issue. If they just don’t know what to do with the extra tractors, which often seems to be the case with people with a lot of tractors, then maybe you can find a reference for someone who can remove them as well. If they want to keep them then it’s fine - they have plenty of room. </p>
<p>So, while their tastes don’t coincide with your own, you need to evaluate whether they really have a ‘hoarding’ problem in the context of health/safety/financial issues before getting too concerned about it. If it’s not a health/safety/financial issue then they’re just doing what they want to do and there’s nothing wrong with that.</p>
<p>Edit - Your most recent post makes it seem there might be a health issue so it might not be as benign as my post implies that it could possibly be.</p>
<p>My in-laws are hoarders. They have emotional issues that make it almost impossible for them to part with anything. H has accidentaly reduced his mother to tears by suggesting that something be thrown out. They will sell things from time to time, but then proceed to go out to auctions and garage sales and buy more stuff. H finally just drew a line at safety - such as, no stacking boxes in stairwells, no stacks higher than your head, must have a clear exit path from every room in the house. I can’t go in the house anymore (probably been 8 years) but H goes to visit once a year to check on them. </p>
<p>Our attitude is "They are adults. They are still mentally competent. Their immediate health and safety is not compromised. " So we just ignore the mess and the stuff. Don’t know what we’ll do if we discover that their home is unsafe…</p>
<p>My heart goes out to everyone who is dealing with this issue. I didn’t know it was so common. But, as a result, H and I are minimalists. I loved getting rid of things!</p>
<p>Speaking from first-hand experience, “hoarding” begins the first time a person acquires an item that has no “place” in the house, and the person says “Oh, just set it down anywhere.” The OP’s in-laws are W-A-Y beyond that. A 4200 sq.ft. house with clothes piled to the ceiling? No problem … buy a larger house. (No, I’m not making this up.) A thousand socks is bad … a thousand unmatched socks goes beyond a little well-intended advice. Forty filing cabinets won’t hold papers brought home from work? </p>
<p>Well, you get the idea. It’s really difficult to get the attention of hoarders until it’s too late to help them. My advice is to follow bookreader’s advice and set some boundaries. It’s better than being dragged into their fantasy world. Just my two cents …</p>
<p>Hoarding is the accumulation of not only possessions, but wanton uncritical accumulation to the point there’s little/no space to use rooms as intended, safety becomes a concern(i.e. health/fire hazards, emergency escape routes, etc), stuff accumulated includes actual garbage/broken useless items, etc. It is often accompanied by accumulated filth from garbage and inability/unwillingness to keep home clean due to space issues. </p>
<p>When I arrived at my friend’s late parent’s house, there were many rooms one couldn’t even open the door to because it was crammed full of broken furniture/junk. It was pretty bad…and that was after friend and another mutual friend already cleaned out around half of the stuff. They said when they first arrived in the house, you could barely get into the house from either door.</p>
<p>Here is when hoarding/having stuff compromises safety:
When falls happen due to the clutter
When animals come in with the stuff and create health hazards
When emergency personnal (medics, EMTs) can not enter with their equipment due to lack of space. </p>
<p>I will address the last problem. My husband is an EMT and runs into this more often then you’d expect. The ‘hoarders’ may have enough space for them to get around the house (there is a clear path through the clutter/boxes/piles of stuff), there isn’t enough space for a cot/stretcher or a wheelchair or for two people to walk side by side to help get the person out. This is a huge problem.</p>
<p>So it may be easy to ignore the situation and say they are adults who are managing fine on their own in this cluttered environment, the reality may be that if there is a health crisis (and if they are elderly, there is a good chance that a crisis will come), the clutter will create a problem.</p>
<p>Very interesting site. There’s a test to determine where an individual is on the hoarding continuum - also photos at the bottom of the page that illustrate different stages of hoarding.</p>