I can’t imagine wanting my own parents in the delivery room during active labor. The thought of having my in laws there is so totally unfathomable I don’t even have the words.
I would not want anyone visiting during a pandemic if we had a new born in the house.
We are way past the age for having any more children, but if one of my daughters had a child I would understand if they wanted to be cautious during the pandemic. In fact I would recommend that they keep us (and the equivalent in-laws) away.
They’re having a baby around Thanksgiving, her parents will be there for ~a few days, then they want to spend the rest of December alone as a family? I don’t see anything wrong with that. It will be less tiring to spread the visits out.
I don’t understand why women are always blamed if a couple spends less time with his parents than hers. Men are responsible for their own choices.
When our first was born 20 years ago, we were 1500 miles away from any family. IIRC my wife’s parents came a couple of weeks after the birth and stayed for a week and helped. My parents came maybe a month later. The reality is that my wife felt more pressure to entertain my parents, whereas with her own she felt she could just relax a bit more and let them help. I think the reality of the situation was actually the opposite, but she was worried enough about everything that I wasn’t going to argue. Even though I have always been pretty hands on, the reality is that there just isn’t as much a new dad can do, regardless of how much he wants to help. So she got to make the call.
I definitely think that having two sets of grandparents around new parents and a newborn is too much. It’s great that the OP’s friend is wanted and can go there when the other grands aren’t there.
My close friend gave birth before I did. She never felt so close to her mom then in that first week. Her mom let GF and SIL spend time with the baby, and took over cooking and cleaning. His parents were much older and were the visitors to be entertained, sO came weeks later.
One of my favorite memories was resting in hospital room, and hearing my mom’s voice in the hallway. Unbeknown to me, my son’s father had been in touch with my parents, and picked up my mom from airport. My father drove up with our closest relatives a week later, for the bris.
I think the dynamic is much different if parents are in the same city and go home after a few hours.
D1 is expecting her first child this Feb. If we didn’t have a pandemic and the hospital would allow more than one person in the hospital then she would want me to be there, but as of now I am still negotiating this with my son-in-law. (I think I will lose) 
I am very close to D1 and she would feel very safe/comfortable to have me there with her. I mostly likely would stay with them for few weeks after the birth even though I live within few miles from them.
D1’s in laws are very nice people, but they are not the same to D1. Their daughter recently had a baby. They were there when the baby came home because the mother had a c-section. The MIL understands why D1 would prefer to have me there initially, but I am sure they would want to drive down to see the baby as soon D1 is ready, and I would make sure I give them some space.
My ex’s mother was always a guest in my house. She expected to be taken care of whenever she visited. I was in no shape to entertain her after birth.
It is disappointing not to be there right away to see the baby, but seeing the baby in 2 months maybe more fun. Relationship is built over time. I think by being understanding now may go a long way.
Just to clarify, my friend didn’t expect to be in the delivery room, lol, or even the hospital. And the other set of parents also is 2,500 miles away.
So many emotions at a time like this. I don’t have grandchildren, but do have 2 sons. At their births both sets of grandparents came and the grandmothers saw the babies right after I gave birth and ready to receive them.
Turned out my MIL, who I had a prickly relationship with, turned out to be the most help and a much better granny all around. Things might change in that regard with your BFF. I always thought my mom would be the better granny, but it turned out she was always more interested in her own kids (me), than her grandkids.
My suggestion is she is going to have to “suck it up, Buttercup”, as my SIL likes to say when we have to do something that we grimace about, but need to do.
This is how many relationships go with the sons’s family. The DIL emotions are high, she doesn’t know what to expect but just doesn’t want everyone around her but her mom. Probably has nothing to do with his she feels about son’s mom, but what she needs. I’d help your BFF try to remember how she felt as a young mother, help her cone to terms with it’s not personal, sort of like what we are doing here. She will thank you for it.
As a mother of 2 boys, I’m already trying to steel myself for this.
Among my friends with adult daughters, having her mom (along with the father of the child) in the delivery room is very common. It certainly wasn’t when I gave birth - nobody did that. A woman having both her mom and the baby-daddy/husband there during delivery has been common among my friends’ adult children.
When my friend’s daughter had her baby a year ago, my friend was in the delivery room the entire time along with the daughter’s husband - so the new mom with her own mom and husband. The daughter’s dad, in-laws, sibling and her husband , the husband’s sibling and her husband, a set of soon-to-be great grandparents were all in the waiting room. After the birth they informed all of them that it would be about an hour and a half before any others could come in, and they could come in one or two at a time. The mil lost her patience and barged back after about 45 minutes. Why she wasn’t stopped by someone on the hospital staff is beyond me. The daughter who had given birth was completely nude, being cleaned up, etc when mil barged in. Her husband had to tell her she could not be in there yet. Again, a staff member should have stepped up to the plate but the mil speaks very little English. It caused a HUGE rift between the son and his mom that lasted for months. Dealing with people that do not have proper boundaries is difficult. It wasn’t a new to him that his mom had boundary issues, but this was a particularly hurtful episode.
BTW, OP - I am NOT saying your friend has boundary issues at all.
I do think daughters prefer their own moms over their mothers-in-law in most all circumstances. I mean, I think that is pretty normal where there are normal family relationships. Birth is a particularly unique situation. But, as the mom of a son, I get how the OP’s friend must feel. I mean, she is just as much a grandmother as the daughter’s mom is.
I’ve mentioned, “a daughter’s a daughter all her life, and a son’s a son ‘til he takes a wife,” on these boards before, and it has not been well-received. I get it - it’s not fair, but that is often how things play out.
EDIT: OP - sometimes people are TOO respectful of others an wind up getting trod upon/taken advantage of. It sounds like this might be the case here (though we only know her/your side of the story). When everything settles down after the birth and awhile after their first visit, I think it would be perfectly acceptable for her to express her expectations of frequency of seeing grandchild/visiting to BOTH her son and dil together about. She may not get what she wants, but at least they will know how she feels. But, I do think she should talk to them together and not just put her son in between his wife and her.
Well, put me in the minority. The excuse has nothing to do with the pandemic. She’s allowing her own parents to see the new baby immediately and they also live far away. She’s telling the husband’s parents that they have to wait well over a month later. I’d be very upset.
If the husband has a good relationship with his family, the blame falls squarely on him. My own brother has a wife who controlled him from day one, including prioritizing her own family. It took years, but it all finally came to a head. The end result has not been pretty.
You articulated this better than I did.
And only one son for me, but I am also trying to prepare myself for this. I think it’s best to go in with low expectations.
I like that they put this out there now. Communication is always key. I also think a visit in January sounds so much better than immediately after the birth. The DIL will be feeling better and both parents will have time to adjust to their new responsibilities .
OP - One more comment. My parents moved to our town when D was 3. They saw her every week from the age of 3 until she graduated HS. My mom was present at every show, recital, sporting event, etc… My inlaws saw her a couple of times/year. Guess which grandparents she was closer to once she was a young teen? Hint, it wasn’t the local grandparents.
Distance does not have to negatively impact the relationship your friend ends up having with her grandchild. Especially in today’s day and age with modern tech.
Good reminder that the relationship forming between grandchildren and their grandparents is developed over time. Were it my friend, I’d advise being in it for the long haul. Acknowledge that it is understandably disappointing but don’t let one’s feeling slighted at the birth impact the long game here!
Very often, new mothers want their mother to be there at the onset. Having two sets of grandparents jockeying for time especially during these times is really not the best idea.
I would let this one go and be delighted to see the new grandbaby in January. As noted, the new parents will be better adjusted as new parents plus there will only be one set of grandparents visiting at that time.
Too many people is…too many people.
^I agree with @thumper1. I wanted my mom around, because she had taken care of 86 newborn foster babies over the years - a true expert. She was a godsend and stayed in Maine for six weeks after our first was born. I loved my MIL, but she tended to make “helpful suggestions” that got a little wearing. My in-laws were still working when I had my kids, so they didn’t visit for several months after each birth and that was fine with me.
What is a red flag to me is that the prospective grandparents want to fly out a couple weeks ahead, be there for the birth and probably some time after. If I’m the prospective couple - whether it’s due to quarantine or not - you’re looking at a month of having this set of people around - omg, how overwhelming for the new parents!!! Even if they are not staying in their home - for some people this creates a real sense of obligation - it would me.
I did not want anyone besides H home with me after having each of my three kids. I am that “obliger” personality and would have felt like I needed to attend to them, talk to them, etc. No thanks said this introvert. I was confident enough that H and I could figure things out with these new babies on our own. (and the grandparents were within an hour so it was possible for quick short visits)
I would also say that this will be the first of perhaps many parenting disagreements the family might have. I do not have grandchildren - they would be nice someday - but I am not owed them or the experience of them coming into the world.
My colleagues/neighbors had a baby (their first) 8 weeks ago. The new mom’s parents live overseas. Her MIL quarantined for a month and then drove up a week before the baby was due, and stayed 3 weeks. The MIL isn’t unkind, but has a somewhat odd personality that turns a lot of people off. I was surprised when the new mom told me that it was actually her idea to have the MIL come and stay for so long! She was very grateful for the help… and added that her husband, on the other hand, was not at all excited at the prospect of having his mom with them for a month. “I don’t mind her, but I know she is really going to drive him crazy”. Just a different perspective!