Once our children have children, they become the parents, not us. My mother was/is a very hands on grandmother/great grandmother, but after the birth of my first, I didn’t have her stay with me. She actually hired a baby nurse for me that was suppose to stay with us for 2 weeks. After the first week, I sent her home as I wanted to take care of my son myself. When my mother offered the nurse again for my second child, I immediately refused the gift.
My parents were at every event my kids had; dance, baseball, school performances, graduations, etc… My in laws, who also lived in the same city as all of us, came when it was convenient. If they had their regular dinner plans with a friend on the same night as an event, they didn’t come see the kids. When we went out of town, or could not find a sitter, my parents were always available and my kids spent the night with them often, just because. My daughter stayed one night at my in laws as my son was having his spend the night birthday party, and my daughter was recovering from pneumonia, so we didn’t want her at home. My parents were out of town, otherwise, she would have gone there. This was not for lack of trying from both my husband and I; the in laws just had their priorities, and those did not include my kids. To this day, my mother lives for the great grandchildren. My kids have a Whats App group with mom where they upload pictures almost everyday of the great grand daughters. Mom loves to show them off to her friends on her phone; I am not sure my MIL even pays attention to the pictures we email her, nor does she have pictures out we printed for her.
While I did get to see my daughter’s baby the day after she was born, I gave the new parents all the space they wanted. We sat in the hospital room when she asked, ran errands, and did anything we were told. The day they came home from the hospital, we flew out. I returned when her husband went back to work two weeks later for one week as she had a section. This gave the new family 2 weeks to bond and get use to having a newborn around. In the evening when my SIL was home, I stayed in my room to give them space. They lived in a tiny rental, and my SIL likes quiet, something I am not!! This worked well for all of us. I did have to bit my tongue a few times as my daughter was not interested in my suggestions as that is not what the experts said. She is well read, but follows the guide books to a tee; there is no gray in her world; she is very type A like her father.
I really was fine with seeing my son’s daughter after the two week bonding period. My son and DIL are so laid back, that they let me do anything for the baby and I was very hands on. My DIL’s mother, while she loves her grandkids and is very close to all her own daughters, feels she has raised her own children, and doesn’t want to help with the grandbabies. She loves to play with them, but when visiting, according to my son, she doesn’t change diapers, feed meals or put them down for naps. When my husband and I are around with either grand daughters, we change diapers, supervise meals, take care of bath and bedtime, and go for walks. Our kids are always offered nights out, which my son always takes us up on! Type A daughter, not so often.
For all of us grand parents, we need to allow our children to be the parents and we do what we are told. Be welcoming and offer to help, but step back if that is not what the new parents want. I think, at least for my daughter, she had these grand allusions of what life would be like and what she expected from her husband and the grandparents. Turns out, raising a child was a bit different than she thought, so she is lightening up a bit, even with her in-laws.