I have only sons. This is how it is when the wife is close with her parents. I understand. My mom came first when I had my first then MIL came two weeks later. I wanted my mom first.
Interesting perspectives - I do consider my in-laws to be my family.
I hope my future dil (should I have one) would consider me family, but it takes time for that feeling and that depth of relationship to grow. Unless the families knew each other previously, were in the same town, the couple were high school sweethearts, etc. And even all of that doesn’t guarantee those family feelings.
@Hoggirl I agree. Not sure how to say this right, but my H is one of four boys. All are very close to their parents. In choosing life partners, respect for their relationship with their folks was definitely important.
I totally respect my husbands parents. But that doesn’t mean I wanted two sets of grandparents visiting at the same time the week my kids were born.
It was just too many people!
Personally I can think of a way to spin the later visit as better. The new mother’s sleep deprivation will be high and she will be so grateful for naps. The baby will be awake for longer, making eye contact, and perhaps giving an adorable smile.The grandparents can cook and freeze a bunch of meals. If either of the new parents will need to begin working again, the grandparents can make the transition smoother.
When the baby is newly born, the grandparents can send flat rate boxes of snacks. Maybe even a weekly flower delivery. They can think of creative ways to make the new parents feel cared for.
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Childbirth is very safe but it’s not completely safe. It’s normal for a woman to want HER parents there and for the woman’s parents to want to be there. It’s their daughter who is undergoing the rigors of the birth and if something happened well…that’s MY baby in trouble not the in-laws./
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@TatinG - unfortunately so very well said. My first child died very unexpectedly shortly after birth and I nearly died from birth/med complications two days later. After the fact I heard it was a train wreck at the house with both sets of parents there. My mom was beside herself about the possibility of losing me in addition to her grandchild and my inlaws wanted to be waited on and were upset that their son was spending his time at the hospital with me and not with them. It was awful on so many levels.
FWIW, my inlaws treated me like an outsider for the first 15 years of my marriage and were horrible after our son died so I wasn’t too excited about having them join us right away after our daughter was born. Thankfully my H felt the same way. I’m 100% sure they blamed me for having to wait 3 weeks to come visit but H didn’t want them there any more than I did.
Respect definitely goes two ways.
I hope your friend’s DIL will let her know in some way that she expects your friend to be part of the grandchildren’s lives. I think that’s mostly what new grandparents want to know—that they will be welcomed and supported in a relationship with the new family, and the new grandchild.
I agree with those who say to play the long game. The baby won’t remember whether you were there the first day or the next month, and you want to go when the visit will be most likely to be helpful and positive. In my opinion, that timing is for the new mom to decide with her partner.
For moms of boys, I think it can turn out very well if you are open to building a close relationship over time. I wanted my parents to be in town when each of my children were born, and my in-laws came later. But MIL was clearly thrilled to be invited and the visits were very special. We definitely bonded when my kids were babies because she really listened to me and did her best to pitch in with all the work. She is just as close to my kids as my mom is—lucky kids!
This. I didn’t care if DH was there, I was just happy my mom was there through labor (though not during delivery, heaven forbid) and beyond. As for MIL, I’m not sure I’ve properly introduced her to our son yet.
But, I do feel that both sets of in-laws have a stake in the game, so I understand the potential for hurt, but this time belongs to the parents, and they get to decide. Anyone who’s hurt needs to get over it. <says choatiemom=“” who=“” doesn’t=“” ever=“” want=“” to=“” be=“” a=“” grandma=“” but=“” would=“” butthurt=“” left=“” out=“”>
When our kids were born, we were fine not having any grandparents around. We had three sets. If they all had come, I would have been a wreck.
But we were very very very happy to have them all come when I had to go back to work. They came in sequence with about a week between them. It was so wonderful for us to go to work and know our babies were being cared for by loving grandparents. And the grands didn’t have us around all day! We enjoyed evenings and weekends with them when they were here. For us…it was perfect.
Our kids were born pre cell phone. But we took photos every week, got them developed and mailed them!
There was some jockeying for position when my first was born. My parents came first and brought lunch and then left us alone to nap while they went out to buy everything the parents of a new baby could possibly want, up to and including an apartment size washer and dryer. Next weekend my mother-in-law came, admired the baby, and said, “So, what’s for lunch?”
Second kid, no one came except my dear sister-in-law, who made dinner, walked the first kid to the school bus and took the film to the one hour developers (hey, it was 26 years ago) so I had pictures to send to my parents and mother-in-law.
It all works out.
My sister unfortunately has a situation very much like OP’s friend. Yes, her son is responsible, but his wife (and this is not uncommon) makes it hard for him to be happy if she doesn’t get her way as far as hanging out with her family. He simply can’t take a stand because she’ll be upset which makes his life miserable. It’s sad, but just the way it is sometimes.
The best and most important thing any grandparent can do is support the new parents in the ways they want to be supported. They’re adults - they get to decide what they need, whatever our hopes or expectations are.
I agree it’s common for the new mom’s parents to be more involved at first, but I don’t blame the new mom for needing what she needs. Keeping score, especially at first, just isn’t likely to get the less involved grandmother where she wants to go.
Gender roles are changing, thankfully, and I hope that means more men will share responsibility for maintaining family relationships, planning holidays and visits, etc. I don’t blame a new mom for not doing for her husband’s parents what he isn’t doing himself.
It’s thoughtful and generous for the OP’s friend to want to fly 2500 miles and quarantine at an Airbnb before baby’s arrival day. But from a new mom’s viewpoint, that’s a lot of pressure to have the in-laws around for a significant period of time. It’s easier to say “let’s do this later” than it is to say “you’ve just spent all this time and money to get here, but we don’t want you here for hours every day.”
This.
My parents and inlaws both lived 800 miles from us. But we made an effort to visit family whenever we could and our kids ended up being close to both sets of grands. By college age, the kids were voluntarily making the effort to visit them. We have lost both of my parents as well as my FIL in the last 5 years and we are so grateful for the close relationships that were formed.
My parents and inlaws were for the most part really great, but there were a few times I got annoyed with my inlaws. I wisely kept my mouth shut. (H can likely say the same about my parents). Let some things go. In the long run you will be glad.
My oldest daughter and I have talked about this, even though she is not yet engaged lol. Not sure why she felt we needed to talk about it.
I told her it was up to her who was in the delivery room - I would gladly be there if she wanted me, I would gladly wait somewhere else. But I get first dibs haha.
I also said I would gladly stay with her for however long she needed me afterwards. Not as a visitor, not as a grandparent, but as a worker. I would cook, clean and do other chores so she and her (future) husband could bond with their baby and get their footing. Of course I will take over holding duties when allowed, and during the night so she can sleep, but my role would be to make their transition as easy as possible.
I can spoil my grandchildren later 
My parents and my in-laws were always competing as to who was the better parent and then grandparent. It was not a good thing. Both groups were always guests in my house (not helpful at all and required lots of attention when visiting). They all lived close so luckily never had overnight visits. I had them over together for my daughter’s first birthday and it was such a disaster (compounded by the fact that my daughter broke out in a rash that turned out to be fifths disease in the middle of the party). I rarely had them over together and I never had another family birthday party.
I contrast this with my visits to my daughter in her small studio apartment where the first thing I do is wash whatever dishes are in the sink.
You need to make your relationship with your children and grandchildren within the boundaries that they set. Also, you shouldn’t compare your relationship with their relationship with other members of their family.
To me even saying “it’s up to you who you have in the delivery room” sets an expectation that you hope a window is open for you to be there.
I personally just don’t get the whole “dibs on when/how I get to see the baby” thing.
I have 2 girls and one son. I have never really given a thought about whether the girls might want me there. Honestly if I think about it - you are partners with your H/SO and just went through a 9 month pregnancy - WHY would that person not be the support you need? You will have a medical team as well. The purpose of the delivery - to me - is a safe, healthy outcome for the baby and mom. No outside person is going to ensure that - your medical team will.
I am very close with my son and his wife. She is VERY VERY close to her mom and 3 sisters all who basically lived their childhood without a man in the picture. If she becomes pregnant I would not be surprised if she wanted one of them in the room with her. Heck, my son might want one of them with her. Does that slight me? Not in the least.
I would be thankful for any role. Whether that is doula in the delivery room, meal maker who drops off food for them the first week on their doorstep, cheerleader from afar for breastfeeding/sleepless nights or whatever. I figure when the time comes and a baby would be here that will all work itself out.
I hope OP’s friends S and DIL are at least being KIND about it all and not being rude - that would not be ok. But to soundly and confidently share THEIR plan and wishes as they enter this chapter during a very shaky climate is a sign of maturity make decisions.
Both my SIL’s had homebirths and rather fraught relationships with their own mothers, so in both cases my Mom was there for the birth and the mom’s Moms came a little later. (I think I had my MIL about a month after the birth of my first - we were in Germany at the time - my Mom came within a day or two.) My Mom was unusually laid back and literally spent most of the time doing laundry and washing dishes. She was really wonderful to have around!
Nobody came to delivery room except my husband and the midwife.
With the whole Covid situation, I’d cut everybody lots and lots of slack.
I get that things are different because of Covid, but I don’t think it should be used as a convenient excuse if there are already patterns of slighting the in-laws. “Oh, we’d LOVE to have you come right away, but, you know, Covid,” is disingenuous if it is the preference that would have occurred anyway.
I think talking about these issues before they are “ripe,” as another poster mentioned is a good idea.
I think ds may be in for some surprises about mother-daughter relationships and how close and/or tense they can be if and when he ever has a SO or wife. My parents died before I was married, and he is an only, so he has never had much exposure to the complexities that exist in a mother-daughter relationship.
If anything, my family was slighted in favor of DH’s family. It caused a lot of tension in our relationship.
So it’s not always the case that the husband’s family gets shafted.