^ it was somewhat that way in my situation @Nrdsb4.
I will put this out there just in case any of you have children who marry someone who lost their parents early in life as I did. Not seeking any sympathy here, I just want to share my perspective. I may or may not have complained about this before on these boards.
It was always frustrating to me that it was just assumed that we would spend every holiday with dh’s family simply because I had none (I’ve mentioned in this thread that I am an only myself). It would have been nice to have not had the obligation to always be with dh’s parents on all holidays - whether we went to their house or they came to ours.
I’ve also had many friends where both sets of their parents were local, and my friends would have to hurriedly make the rounds to both sets’ homes on holidays to keep everyone happy. This often entailed cutting short time with their own nuclear family. Now these same friends of mine are expecting the exact same thing from their adult children that they complained about when they were younger couples!
When you are adult, you have your own home, whether you are single, married, with or without children. There were holidays that I wished we didn’t feel obligated to go see dh’s parents - even if we just stayed home as a couple before ds. After ds came along we eventually moved “Christmas” to either the weekend before or after, but we were still expected to drive there every year at that time of year. Yes, we probably should have told them, “no,” especially early on, but how do you politely say that when you don’t have a reason not to go other than you just don’t feel like it? I am not an introvert at all, but dh’s mom is one of six and those super large, super loud, extended family gatherings were (and are) not fun to me.
I hope ds and any future wife and offspring will continue to come see us for holidays, but if he doesn’t, I’m not going to complain about it. I refuse to get hung up on a “day.” I hope I can see things from the perspective of ds and his future wife.
Sorry, I know this is off-topic, but it does go to familial “expectations” which often hinder good familial relationships, IMO.
This thread compelled me to reach out to my daughter’s MIL last night via text. I have met her and spent time overnight in her home before. My daughter is an only child of a single parent, and I wanted her to know I appreciate her as my daughter’s MIL. I have some health issues and it gives me comfort to know she is there if I am not.
@CottonTales - that was lovely of you!
We no longer live in a society where everyone lives next door to one another. I totally understand both sides. I’d love to be next to my DIL if she has children but I already know her mom will be first. And I’ll totally accept that because that was my own choice. It’s not a personal affront to your friend, it’s a protection of self for DIL. There is lots to come!
I don’t think the scenario presented in the first post is all that unusual (and I have only sons). Many daughters will have their mothers to help initially. That is pretty typical. The other grandparents are not being told they can’t see the grandchild
(that would be a whole other story and truly sad for your friend)., just that they will need to wait a few weeks. Frankly, it sounds a little over the top for your friend to camp out for a couple of weeks before the birth, without being invited to do so.
All this talk about the daughters being the decision makers reminded me of a conversation I had in the car (why do those interesting talks always seem to take place while driving??) with my D a few years ago when we were driving back to school after a term break at home. She said “Mom, I know you love your job and you have a busy life , but I have an idea that I want you to just think about…” I said OK, and braced myself … “So, when I’m about 30 and in my career and then have a couple of kids, would you consider coming to live with us? Because when I go back to work, I wouldn’t want to leave my babies with anyone but you. You can have your own apartment. Or even a little house next door. Whatever you want. Just please consider it.” This came totally out of the blue… “Mom! Are you OK? Why are you crying?” LOL
OK, she’s my only… and this really caught me off guard. Then I started looking for a pen so I could have her put the offer in writing. LOL
When I gently suggested that perhaps her someday-in-the-future husband/partner/baby daddy might not be on the same page about having his MIL move in, she laughed and said “Get real, Mama! Whoever he is, you know I’m going to be in charge of this.” Interesting!
Our son is not even married yet, but we have met his serious gf’s parents (at their insistence) and my wife especially already has a very good relationship with her mother. If, someday, there is a grandchild, I hope we can be involved early. I can’t even think about what could happen or who might want want. I thought I had an idea here, but I dont!
Y’all are the best. There’s so much I want to comment on, but this thread kind of took off so I won’t address everything. But @CottonTales my ds1 is engaged, and I adore his future MIL. I would text her the same thing you did, except she and her dh are cycling across Montana right now. I feel so fortunate.
I ended up sharing the link to this thread with my friend. She said it was really helpful to hear the different opinions. In fact, she said I could post this:
"Hey, I’m the BFF mentioned here, and I just want to say thanks to everyone who responded – and to say that a conversation with my DS has improved the situation considerably. Reading this thread helped me clarify my feelings and thoughts today and helped me frame the conversation. I’m not a CC member, but I can see how helpful this forum can be!
"I absolutely understand why my DIL wants her mom to be there when the baby is born and also why she and my DS want some alone time, but neither of them had expressed those wishes during our conversations in the past few months, so I felt blindsided. But today I realized I had been making plans based solely on our schedule and never asked what they preferred. And although it was clear in my mind that we did not expect to be with them every day, I never actually told them that.
“When we talked today, I apologized for assuming instead of asking, and my son apologized for issuing directions instead of initiating a conversation. He also assured me he never meant for me to feel he was “forbidding” us from coming at a certain time. The conversation was very helpful on many levels, and I think we both feel much better – and he promised lots of baby FaceTime and Zoom sessions. Bonus points: I confessed to my DS that I almost didn’t say anything about how I felt and he told me I should always feel free to talk to him if I ever felt hurt by something he said or did.”
@cameo43 my ds2 has said something similar! He said he’d find a house with a casita that we could live in. lol
Thank you for cycling back and letting us know your friend found the thread helpful!
Yeah, I told her that we tend to think it’s bad form to leave people hanging after they’ve invested time in your thread. lol I can remember doing all kinds of college research or writing first-person narratives about my experiences with certain colleges, and then the poster ghosted us. Grrrr. How rude!
@Youdon’tsay ,All the best to your friend! She sounds lovely and flexible, very glad she was able to talk to her son about this. Congratulations to the new grandma! Very exciting times ahead.
Sounds like you need to get your friend to join the Parent Cafe. 
Glad she had a productive discussion with her son.
I am going to assume that she will read this, too, so let me say, Yeah, you should join!
She will be like my dh and sons … At first, they thought I was crazy and eventually transitioned to, “Go ask about that on college confidential!”
Nice resolution- and thanks for sharing the outcome!
And there’s a whole grandparent thread she could participate in!
Thank you for sharing the outcome! As the mom of two boys I am prepared for this as I am going to assume their wives will want their own mothers there first as I think too many people around a new baby is stressful. The poster who said grandchildren and grandparent relationships are built over time is 100% true. In a few months the new parents will be happy to have all grandparents around helping and eventually babysitting so they can have some free time!
One of my girls recently had a baby, her DH’s family lives abroad and he definitively did not want me/us visiting right away or being there for the birth, because it was not fair to his family. Lucky for him, we are grown ups about it all and said, “whatever you want, just call when you are ready to see us.” (It’s a two day drive.) Guess who called when DDs water broke and asked me to come ASAP and bring one of the sisters, because all of a sudden they felt so alone? And there were no further issues as the help was appreciated. So, that went great and choosing not to make an issue of it was the right thing, if you make something an issue, then the other person might take a stand from which it’s, later, difficult to back down.
But I, too, had an in law who asked to be in the labor room (FIL :Barf:) and understand that pressure. And I would not have wanted my in laws helping me, because your own family already knows who you are, for better or worse. Too many in laws would be judging you (even if they did not mean to) at your most vulnerable. One of my DDs was a stressed out mess after her baby, her sister and I kept saying this was so unlike her, but in laws would have come to consider that to be ‘her.’ She got over it and is doing great, and is back to herself. Because we’ve known her for her entire life she had the ability to be weak with us and not be judged, always and forever, to be that person she was that few weeks. (I had very judgy in laws, so I could see this being a concern in some situations.)
I have girls, so have not experienced this Mom of DS exclusion, but my retired sister has boys and often speaks of wishing for more closeness with those families. I have officially shared my girls with kids with my sister, both have their kids Facetime with Auntie, too. Sis is a marvelous person, innately better and more idea filled with kids than I am, yearns for the closeness, and has the time. I am thrilled, and the girls are thrilled, to have one more adult who loves and connects with those toddlers and babies. It’s a roundabout way to have Sis get more of the connections she so desires. It’s funny, too, we (DDs and I) are all relatively close to Sister’s DIL, and she is a lovely girl who could use help with her kids, who could benefit from more closeness, but just does not see it or does not reach out.
I am making a mental note to encourage my DDs to reach out, even more, to their in laws 
Glad everything worked out in the end but this is the biggest BS I ever heard. It is not about him.