<p>I’d have to bite my lip not to say something like “where’d you go to school again, grandma?” or “tell your friends she is going to Harvard. They’ll probably forget in a few minutes anyway”, or “mom, its called B.U., not P.U.”</p>
<p>I sure wish MY mom and dad were around for their grand kids, but I’d also wish I’d be beyond trying to figure out what to say… OTOH, if they were PAYING, I’d probably be thinking about it A LOT, . I have a recently deceased Aunt and Uncle who helped a lot, financially. FWIW , I don’t think they would question our choices.</p>
<p>For now, tell Grandma to say “Well, she is considering Harvard, Yale, and Stanford, but she’s looking for the school that is just right for her.”</p>
<p>A new idea. She can apply to Columbia College (Missouri) and Cornell College (Iowa) as well as Favorite College so Grandma can say “Well, she was accepted to Columbia and Cornell, but she decided Favorite College was the right school for her.”</p>
<p>LOL MidwestMom, that’s certainly creative! Is it worth the application fees though?</p>
<p>My parents gave me a huge gift when they allowed my immigrant grandfather to live with our family, never letting on that there were difficult moments. I treasure the memories of the stories he told, and I try to pass them on to my kids so that they feel the connection…kudos to you for opening up your home to an older family member who can enrich the life of your daughter, even if you do have to vent sometimes on CC!</p>
<p>Spideygirl:“Oh, Grandma! Please whisper when you say such things. DD will be helping to pick your nursing home, and we don’t want to upset her”.</p>
<p>Oh that’s good…that’s real good!!</p>
<p>MidwestMom2Kids: For now, tell Grandma to say “Well, she is considering Harvard, Yale, and Stanford, but she’s looking for the school that is just right for her.”</p>
<p>I’ve used something similar with Grandma in the past, just to, you know, shut her up. Something like “Harvard has been emailing DD all the time since she was a freshman, begging her to come there”. Yeah, it’s sarcastic, but I’m not good with quick replies - that’s why I started this thread - y’all are awesome!!</p>
<p>OP, we have exactly the same situation with my 83-year-old father, except that he lives nearby, not in our home. Super comeback suggestions above, but they wouldn’t have accomplished the goal of changing his heart and mind. We tried everything to get him accept that D’s obscure LAC was a good choice for HER. No dice. He doesn’t get how the college landscape has changed over the last decades. And he can’t comprehend that D wouldn’t have touched those high-status schools with a 10-foot pole even if they had begged her to come. He wants to be able to brag about the name brand, and that’s pretty much all that matters to him when it comes to his grandkids’ education.</p>
<p>I’ve finally just accepted that we are not going to be able to make him happy about this. His views are set in stone, based on a lifetime of opinion and some outmoded thinking about higher education, and no amount of snappy comebacks or other persuasion is going to change any of that. So my strategy these days involves just sidestepping the whole topic. When he brings it up, I simply don’t engage. A noncommittal grunt followed by a swift change of subject usually gets us past the moment, and avoids alot of elevated blood pressure on both sides.</p>
<p>BTW, I’ve made it clear to D that Granddad is wrong to be critical of her choice, but that he’s old and set in his ways, and I see no point in upsetting him to no purpose. She gets it; her feelings aren’t hurt, and she knows that my strategy of not arguing with him does not mean a lack of support for her. She knows she chose well, DH and I know that she chose well, and I’ve decided that’s all that matters. </p>
<p>Anyway, the laser beam is beginning to shift to my poor 11th-grade nephew. My brother has a PhD from Stanford, and my dad assumes that Nephew will stroll effortlessly into The Farm as well. As a favor to Brother, I’m beginning to explain to Dad the facts of life about admission to the super-elite schools, that the acceptance rate is 9%, that stellar stats only get you into the pool, that things have changed since Brother went there, that undergraduate admissions is a whole different ballgame than graduate admissions, and that in any case – heresy! – I don’t think Nephew is even interested in Stanford. From the look on his face, I could see that he still isn’t buying it, so I’m stepping out of it. I’ll share my noncommittal-grunt strategy with Brother, and then it’s their battle.</p>
<p>Oh, LasMa. I empathize completely. And you’re right - it’s nearly impossible to change anyone’s mind - especially old folks. I’ve learned the hard way that banging my head against a wall will not move the wall, and will only give me a headache and make me mad. My daughter has no where near the grades for a place like Stanford, but I’m happy she’s choosing a place where she will be safe and looked after (I’m a single parent due to an unforeseen tragedy, so safety is a bit of a hot button for me), and has solid core classes with great professors. As much as I would like to do the brush-off/grunt with Grandma (saves energy!), she expects a response. I really really love everyone’s comments!</p>
<p>It can be helpful to talk about how the world has changed. When one friend went to the University of Washington thirty years ago, he strolled in with a barely B high school average. Most of his high school graduating class wasn’t college bound. </p>
<p>Today the UW has only a few more “seats at the table” but many, many more applicants. You just can’t earn a living wage with a high school diploma as you could do in Grandpa’s day. That means it takes a 3.5 GPA or better to get into UW or many other STATE schools. It really is brutal for the kid who has undertaken some challenging high school classes or simply is a bit slower to mature. </p>
<p>It might be a nice thing if the Stanford grad uncle would exclaim (in Grandpa’s hearing) “Thank God I’m not applying this year. I would have never gotten in with the current competition!”. Offer uncle a fine bottle of beverage if he’ll do the deed. . .</p>
<p>The strategies of trying to “convince” the old folks that Stanford et al are much harder to get in, they aren’t right for junior, etc. seem less productive to me than the strategy of simply refusing to engage in the discussion, or doing the “uh huh, we’ll consider it / that’s interesting / pass the salt.”</p>
<p>Another way to pass off such comments is to say, “I’m sure you’re right,” or “you’re probably right,” but go on with your own plans.</p>
<p>Everytime Granny mentions Big Name A University, just say…
‘But Mom that IS where she’s going’</p>
<p>and when she brings up Big Name A University again say…
‘But Mom she’s enrolled in Big Name B University’</p>
<p>Keep doing this and changing the name of the college every time until Granny (now concerned she has Alzheimers) drops the subject herself.</p>
<p>By the end of it she’ll just be happy she still remembers your daughter name</p>
<p>HaHaHaHa!! Love it!</p>
<p>Must not drink coffee while reading LaContra. Must not drink coffee while reading LaContra.</p>
<p>LaContra - welcome to CC! Between advice on this thread and description of college drop off you’ve added a delightful dose of cynical parent humor to this board.</p>
<p>Along with excellent advice already offered to the OP - perhaps you could combine the “good celebrity” names from the small LAC with the infamous alums of the schools Grandma finds flawless. When Grandma mentions Big Name School X - you can reply “D knows it’s a wonderful place - in spite of (unpopular/infamous/addiction plagued public figure)'s alum status, but she likes school Y, it was also the choice of (Mother Theresa Clone) so it must have something going for it!” This way you’ve covered both the positive and negative reinforcement aspects, and given Grandma name dropping data on both sides of the issue, firmly biased in your daughter’s favor of course.</p>
<p>If that LAC comes with a scholarship, you could mention the cost delta. Most grandparents cannot fathom today’s college costs (heck, most of us parents are still amazed).</p>
<p>Mom, you KNOW I love you, but having this conversation for the umpteenth time is probably about as helpful to me ( my blood pressure etc.) as S feels “Prestige U” would be to achieving his future goals!</p>
<p>PS Your mom probably figures she has over a year to work on you both. Personally, I wouldn’t be so set in stone about the choice of any school quite this early. Your S is just starting his junior year? He could easily change his mind about his major and his choice of school several times between now and then. Even if he doesn’t budge an inch, I’d just continue to say that he’ll be carefully considering all his options.</p>
<p>How about" mom- its a great school and very affordable for u,. It will allow us to continue to afford to have you live with us". Maybe she’ll get the hint.</p>
<p>As an aside, I work with/evaluate a lot of older adults with cognitive problems, so in all honesty I didn’t find the “mess with her and make her think she has alzheimers” particularly funny. Sorry. JMO.</p>
<p>I am SO saving all of these suggestions. We are going through a bit of the same…this will be very helpful. Man, you guys are witty!</p>