CD Re: Post # 195. I’m so sorry you and your H had to deal with this. The first thing I can think of is that your MIL must have been mentally ill. I think you did a good job with the way you and your H handled this with your S’s.
I know it is hard to predict what one will do in the future, but as much as holidays are a huge celebration in my family I have no intention of making it obligatory that anyone show up - including my children and their spouses. I understand that once they are married that will have their own priorities and make their own choices. If they opt to go elsewhere to fulfill other obligations or desires, I will miss them but will not hold it against them.
One thing I know for sure, the party will go on. I am sure many of our friends or neighbors might find themselves in the same position. So they can fill whatever spaces are at my table.
I think as others above have said there is much more to this situation than OP is saying to us.
I feel for everyone that has inlaw and parent issues. My MIL lived 3,000 miles away when she was alive and my FIL died before I married H. MIL was not very nice to me, but we visited at least once a year when the kids were younger. My parents are 100 miles away so they are the ones we spend most holidays with and my D’s have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents who are in their early 70’s and active.
When D1 was 9 weeks old we spent her first Christmas with MIL. All she did was complain to H that I spent too much time sitting in the bedroom nursing the baby. H always stood up for me to her and over the years we spent less and less time going to visit as she was so unpleasant. I always tell my girls that if H or I become unpleasant when we are older they have the right not to visit us!
Since we’re OT, in the early days of our marriage, because we lived in CA and MIL was on the east coast, DH did make a point of visiting her at Christmas and I usually had to be at work most of that week. So we celebrated with my mother and brother on a different day, went out to dinner, traded gifts. For other reasons, this was usually Christmas Eve (but not always) and he flew out on the 25th. This shift worked for all of us. This month, D1 and bf (love him) are headed for a big shindig at his grandparents’ and so our Thanksgiving (both girls, both SO’s and 2 of my best friends) will be on Saturday. D2 suggested it, rather than us sticking to Thursday with a short group, everyone got excited and immediately bought in.
Our D recently married. I told her something very similar to the above. We are being very flexible on holidays.
We always did the every other year thing for holidays, especially when S was young. I assumed that is what most people do. Now, not so much because, tbh, my side is more fun.
Several years I also hosted and had both sides of the family come.
Granted T’giving is the only shared holiday as I am Jewish and H is Catholic - so not as many holidays for sides to fight over. But neither side ever gave grief over not coming.
I’m not saying that I would expect that. However, while I’ve never been in this situation, I think i’d prefer a rental with both our names on the lease than having him buy a new house in his name and parents’ names on it and expecting me to move into ‘his’ place which will obviously continue to be ‘his’ place if we split. To me, in the former situation it would at least seem he was making some commitment, no matter how limited to us as a “couple.” In the latter, he’s just doing what he planned to do without me.
A long time ago, I read an article about what makes a later in life or second marriage work. (I can’t remember where). One thing it said was that marriages which began with the couple moving into a space which was new to both of them and buying new things together or at least bringing things from both their homes had a higher rate of success than those in which one party moved into a home owned by and fully furnished by the other.
I’m a fairly new grandma and my kid and spouse both put a lot of time and effort into decorating the nursery and buying baby equipment. I think they would have been furious if either side of grandparents had done the decorating.
“They haven’t gone yet to hospital. I’m pretty sure she knows I plan to be there and that I don’t care if I don’t see the actual delivery. I don’t want to SEE it at all, I would be at head if anywhere. I didn’t even want my hubby watching down there, and his arm made an awesome thing to pull on during pushing! Her mom plans to be in there for it all. I get that she wants here mom there and I don’t mind. I would like to be there so I can see him asap.”
She’s talking about potentially being “at mom’s head” during delivery! I think she’s not getting that it wasn’t about whether she wants to see the delivery or not, or whether she wants to be there to see the new baby ASAP.
This is a little story that always stuck with me: Years ago, when my twins were maybe 6 yo, my grandfather passed away. We have a small family, so the only family there was my grandmother (Nana), my mother (Grandmom), my sister, me, my husband and my kids. We all arrived at the funeral home. My kids, being little, didn’t fully understand what was going on and darted ahead to run to the casket, as they had something they wanted to put in it. My husband quickly, gently but firmly pulled them aside and said - there is an order here as to who’s most important. First, Nana and Grandmom (widow and daughter) get to go the casket. They get to spend as much time there as they like, since they have the greatest loss. Then, mom and aunt (meaning me and my sister) get to go next. Then, only after that’s done, we can all go up and pay our respects. He was right. I loved my grandfather dearly, but AT THAT MOMENT it wasn’t about my pain - it was about supporting to (and deferring to) my mother and grandmother in terms of the “front row seating.”
I recognize we’re not talking about death here! But the point is – in certain events, there ARE hierarchies of whose wishes are most important, and who gets first dibs on (metaphorical) front-row seats.
@romanigypsyeyes This is a bit off track here, but I wanted to say that I’ve made a lot of plans around my dog, who is a rescue with an unpleasant past and cannot be crated. I would have done exactly what you are doing. And your dog has the sweetest face! I want to kiss that forehead.
" I get that she wants here mom there and I don’t mind."
This is the sentence that gets me. It is not FOR her to “mind” or “not mind” that the laboring mother wants her own mother there, or her best friend, or her sister, or no one other than her husband. It’s not about what the paternal grandmother wants in this situation. It simply is an irrrelevant judgment. It’s like “minding” that my neighbor painted her living room yellow. It’s not for me to mind, as it is just not my business / decision to make.
What I noticed about the quote from OP in #207 is that in those few sentences there are no less than eleven “I’s.”
Thanks, @Pheebers 
Your fur-child is a cutie, too!
Our dog is also a rescue and does have some separation anxiety issues. She LOVES being around other dogs but gets anxious if humans aren’t around her constantly. It makes it hard for anyone we know to pet sit because they can’t be with her constantly and we really can’t afford a kennel when she’s perfectly fine to stay with us.
…
I completely understand @MichiganGeorgia and everyone dealing with abusive or “misdirected” MIL’s having been in similar situations.
OP, if you are still reading this: Open your eyes and shut your mouth.
Your son’s priority is his little family. *You are not to assume, OP, that you sit in the middle of that. *
Let the girl get her rest. She’s tired and, physically, still weak. She’s insecure about her mothering skills so, let her learn and let her be the mother to her child.
And for goodness sakes, you are not her mother, so don’t try to “mother” her! Stay out of her kitchen, keep your opinions about breastfeeding to yourself, and let her go to her own mother for private, personal advice!
Quit showing off and bragging, you didn’t have that baby, she did. Just be happy for them and learn to take a back seat!
Help your DIL see you as an asset!
If she’s not going to use you as a babysitter, go on travel! Trip Advisor has great ideas.
Otherwise, you may find yourself seeing that grandchild less and less.
For anyone wondering, I took the emotional abuse from my MIL because I knew my MIL had to have some redeeming qualities since she did raise a wonderful son and I had hoped those qualities would show through to the kids. Also, my FIL IS an awesome grandpa and exceptional FIL. He has always been extremely kind and loving towards me and our children.
(@jym626, my kids were very young and I don’t think they would have understood the term “health problems”. Grandma WAS “sick” with the effects of polio, cancer, chemo and was constantly in pain. If she needed to “take it out” on me, then it would only be for a short visit. She passed away and I hope she’s finally at peace and without pain.) Now that our children our of “marrying/partnering” age, they don’t have good memories of her, but they do have good memories of playing with grandpa, so, it has been worth it.
I have been on CC since 2007 and I have no clue how to see “all” of someone’s posts!!!
You are all better sleuths than me.
Curious question: For those of you with critical/difficult MILs, did your MILs have daughters as well or only sons? Personally I’ve seen a pattern.
Abasket - click on the person’s name, then click on Replies. That’s it!
Ok thanks PG. Going off to read ALL your posts!!! 
(actually, I don’t see “replies” - wonder if I have my account set up wrong…)
Can you click on a name and bring up that person’s screen? The Replies should be in the upper left corner.
Oh, got it - up there. NOW, going to read all your posts. Haha.