Me too. Unfortunately I did ask my sister to be with me during delivery of my first. The labor nurse asked me if I wanted a mirror and I must have mumbled because she got one. Oh. My. The nurse wasn’t good at positioning the mirror…When it was very nicely aimed at my right knee, I said “it’s perfect”. But my sister took a look (this is what happens if they are at your head) and said “she can’t see.” So the nurse readjusted until I could see what was going on. ugh. I honestly believe using the mirror delayed birth for a good half hour.
As for breastfeeding, for some reason, I thought stopping had to be a joint decision. So I nursed the first child for 30 months and the second child for, uh, 40? But really, after month 20-something, it’s just for comfort. I worked, so I nursed when I came home in the evening.
“As far as single moms with fathers in the picture, sometimes judges in the first six months will order very frequent, short visits in the mother’s home, if it all possible, or at a neutral site if it’s not. But, you know, I think you sell fathers short. More fathers (even those not in a relationship with the mother) want the best for their kids and understand that the nursing relationship is a very short period in the life of a child and will work hard to support it.”
I wasn’t talking about the supportive fathers, but the ones fighting in court. A judge will consider any reasonable plan, but will not order the parties to have visitation in the mother’s home. Even 30 years ago the judge I worked for would try to work with the parents, but he didn’t side with the mothers who said that they had to be with the baby 24/7 because of breastfeeding. This was Boulder, so the claim was made often. Wanting to breastfeed is one consideration, but so is the role of the father in bonding, the rights of the father to have visitation. Usually, for the first 6 months he would order very limited but frequent visitation, but it was usually 4-5 hours at a time, maybe 2-3 times a week depending of the working schedules of the parents. If the parties agreed to the visitation at the mother’s house, fine, but really that didn’t work in most cases. Who wants to ‘visit’ while having the other (angry?) parent watching your every move, taking the baby back to feed for 30-60 minutes of your visitation time? Also, often the father’s family wanted to visit too.
I was not saying that babies of working mothers couldn’t receive breast milk exclusively for a year or more, but that when that mother returned to work it usually isn’t possible to feed from the breast exclusively. Bottles are needed for daycare, for other child care. My daughter received breastmilk for her first 6 months or so, but because she was in the NICU, it came through a tube at first, and later through bottles. There also came a time she needed a supplement added to the milk to make it 22 calories per ounce, and she needed vitamin D added because breastmilk didn’t have enough for her, so of course it had to be from the bottle. She got the benefits of breastmilk without the convenient delivery system. Even when she was released from the hospital, she got breastmilk from bottles because I was adding vitamins.
It’s a lot easier to pump at work now than in the old days. Babies can drink cow’s milk starting about age one. So, a lot of babies now are weaned at that age. For many families, it’s tougher to go from breast to formula to milk. It requires baby to adjust twice.
Babies still get the baby vitamins if they are breast fed…at least if they are white babies. (White women tend to be low in vitamin D, especially during the winter, so breast fed babies of white moms get supplements.) Yep, my grandbaby’s dad has the job of administering them.
My grandbaby was mostly breast fed for the first year. Mom pumped for 45 minutes twice a day at work. Mom scheduled all phone calls for those slots. Puts a sign on the door which amounts to "do not enter’ twice a day. Back in the day, my employer would not have tolerated that.
The supplement my daughter got was a power and had to be mixed with the formula. The other option was a fortified formula. She needed the extra calories and vitamin D as she had what they described as rickets and told me breastmilk is low in vitamin D, which many babies get from being out in the sunshine but which babies in the NICU do not get from artificial lights.
I was disappointed in the fortified formula suggestion so they came up with the powered supplement mixed with breastmilk solution. When it was time to leave the NICU, the problem became the supplement, which cost $8 a packet X 3-4 per day. I thought it would be an easy call to the insurance company to ask “Insurer, would you like to pay $24-32 per day, or would you prefer this baby stay in the NICU at about $300 per day?” I was wrong. Insurance would not pay, so then the solution was to give the fortified formula for every other feeding.
I could have just ignored the formula and done breastfeeding, but my child was underweight, and I really needed to measure how much she took in, how many calories she was eating. Even with all this, she only weighed 13 pounds at a year.
Surprisingly, her pediatrician thought baby vitamins were a waste, and took her off them pretty quickly -after many stains to her clothes and bibs.
15-30+ My first stopped nursing and started walking in the same week. My second nursed until we could discuss whether he would prefer my milk or milk from the refrigerator. I’m surprised no one has mentioned the oxycotin–you know, when you’re nursing the baby and you’re overcome with the feeling that it just doesn’t get any better than this.
Best decision I ever made. I first thought I would just try it for a week or so… but immediately knew it was the right choice for me. It deeply strengthened my bond with my daughter and made me feel almost blissful…although that was probably just the oxytocin!
The ease of breast feeding was fabulous. I can’t imagine the work of bottles, and mixing formula, and sterilizing nipples…yikes, so much work!
My mom did make some negative comments (she never breastfeed me) and I still bristle thinking about it all these years later.
I think the decision on how a mother chooses to nourish her child (Breast or bottle) is a decision that comes with very sensitive emotions and no one should ever question or try to undermine a new moms choice.
Twoinanddone, I have personally seen judges order visitation in the home of the mother. Granted in both cases they were amicable situations where the parties just wanted Is dotted and Ts crossed. In both cases, the mom generally went out of the father’s company but would come back when needed. But it’s not never, and even in less amicable situations fathers are often very supportive. Because in the vast majority of cases it’s only really necessary for the first six weeks or so till milk supply is established. Assuming that the first week there often won’t be visitation, it’s only a matter of inconvenience and accommodation for five weeks, if at all. My former boss and his ex amicably divorced and bought a duplex. Worked beautifully for them until school age.
And, respectfully, when moms choose to forego bottles (or babies refuse) there are other options for working mothers. Whatever each woman chooses is fine, but there are options and lots of women avail themselves of all sorts of creative solutions, even for premies or children with health issues. It’s not better or worse, but the bottle really isn’t the only option and a creative breastfeeding team can help most moms who choose not to use a bottle for a period of time. But, of course, only if it is helping the mom to achieve her own goal . And just to be clear I’m not talking about excluding fortified formula or necessary nutrients, but rather, the choice of some moms to exclude artificial nipples.
Well, when a baby has two mothers, it’s entirely possible for the non-birth mother to co-breastfeed successfully, although it obviously requires a great deal of work and commitment. In fact, I know of at least two couples – one of which I know personally – in which the second mom co-breastfed their baby successfully even though she’s a trans woman who is also the baby’s biological father.
So a lot of things are possible. I doubt, however, that there are very many, if any, fathers who aren’t trans who would be willing to make the necessary commitments and take the necessary steps. But, hey, if they’re really feeling left out, they can always give it a try!
Donna, I’ve worked with families where both moms lactated and others where both dads used the supplemental nursing system. I will concede that in LLL we got the people who were most deeply committed or in the greatest need, but I never failed to be amazed at the sacrifices some parents were prepared to make and the inconvenience and disapproval they were willing to accept. My LLL days are behind me now, but I still believe that our society isn’t as informed and accepting on this issue as it could be, so I hate for families to get the idea that if they want to breastfeed, it’s just too hard. There are so many difficulties that can be overcome with support and ingenuity! And there are people who would love to help any woman who wants assistance.
6.5-9. S1 knew I was pregnant before I did; he quit nursing once I was expecting S2. S2 weaned himself because he liked solid food much better. I would have gone two years if they wanred, though I was not sure I could deal with a nursing 15 mo old and a nursing newborn.
Just came from a day with our “second D” (under parented so is ours) and she is struggling with the fact that their baby is not thriving from her breast milk. period.
She has received no support from anyone to stop breast feeding and is feeling frantic.
Baby has not gained enough weight at all. Mom began pumping and weighing and using formula as a supplement a couple of weeks ago. Finally, as this was becoming worrisome.
She said, today, that not one single person has said that it is ok to focus on baby’s health v.s. breastfeeding.
She is exhausted and overwhelmed by the “you must breastfeed” message.
When I arrived today Mom was a mess and sent to bed. I then fed baby 6.25 of formula and breast milk in 45 minutes with many burps (has had gas, not getting burps as tends to fall asleep mid eating–but I did not let her and she obliged me).
This is a record! and, again, she is 7 weeks old.
Baby and I then played and had fun. Mom said she is not hanging out with Baby other than feeding and hoping she sleeps because she is so exhausted by the constant feedings.
Dad is great and super hands on but not home all day and so…
We are giving mom permission and support and modeling as, at this point, baby thriving is what matters the most. I have encouraged her to pump and make sure baby gets some breast milk as long as she can but also to cuddle and have their skin to skin contact, even giving the nipple. But this mom’s milk is not enough and so…
We have been very worried and mom has felt such pressure.
And doctor has not been helpful–just breastfeed has been the message as well as from every person she has talked with such has her lactation coach.
I could have/would have/should have been a wet nurse! No doubt could have handled 3 babies at my time. Still, only did D for 13 weeks as had no reasonable way to pump. And I was uncomfortable as she did not need what I could provide.
Even then I knew I had much to give away, even then I was sad that I had too much and no outlet.
I know that there are programs now where you can donate breast milk to hospital nurseries and so on–
I so wish that had been an option for me.
I had been so successful that I thought about trying to get milk in when we adopted our S at 17 weeks.
I have ended up wishing I had tried, think I would have been successful (pain and all) and that it would have been good for both of us.
25 years ago --so.
SO, my worry about 2ndD’s baby and her lack of rich breast mild is not because I personally had
any issues. I feel for her but her baby simply has not gained enough weight.
and she is not enjoying her baby–who is funny and sweet and lovely–but mom is now so tired and stressed that she evens says she is not happy being with baby awake.
My mother had the same issue as your D many years ago and I guess I was given formula since I was losing weight and not thriving . Seems to me these are the situations formula was meant for.