Seems that the folks who are being so firm in their suggestions to the OP are the ones who had bad relationships with their MILs. Might be some projection going on. Telling your kids that their GM is “very sick” can be misinterpreted by the kids. Ouch.
For the record, my MIL was fine.
These grandchild threads can involve some projection on both sides. It doesn’t mean this DIL is a control freak.
Does that mean that the folks giving such strong support for the grandmother have bad relationships with their DIL s of grandchild’s mother@jym626?
@jym626 GM was physically ill. Would it has been better to tell the children that she was disapproving, mean and hateful to their mother?
Go back to the OP. The OP suggested including one pic. The DIL said - thanks for thinking of us but we are looking forward to sending our pics introducing our own little family. OP replied - well I didn’t intend for you not to send a card and I really want to. DiL relented and said ok, one photo because baby is new. OP responded by adding 3 photos.
OP, when DIL expresses her feelings - you have a tendency to minimize them, discount them, or figure that if you just explain more, you’ll “win.” It’s her baby. These are her moments to have for the first time. Her decisions to figure out. You are not “equal” to her or your son in the raising of this baby. It’s as simple as that.
No, it might have been better to say she had health problems, since calling someone “sick” has many connotations.
Such strong feelings for so early in the morning.
Maybe those seeing both sides of the story, or perhaps even understanding the grandmas wanting to include her extended family, of which she is proud, have perfectly ok relationships with their inlaws.
My MIL died when my youngest was 6 mos old. I never really had an opportunity to have qa MIL. I am a bit sad about that. And sad for my DH.
“Sick” means sick to a young child, especially when they see an old woman who walks with a limp and later is homebound. You are reading way more into the word
I think there may be something to the question raised above about whether the family dynamic around the couple being unmarried is playing into this. The GF may not really feel like a member of the family. Part of the reason for a wedding is that formal welcoming (hopefully) of that other person into the family in both sides. She may have suddenly been thrust from the role of near-stranger to the OP into this quasi-DIL role. Maybe “VERY unplanned” means the baby was the result of a hookup, and now the couple is trying to make a go of it. Talk about stressful for everyone involved! Speculation, of course.
@jym626 My MIL before either of my son’s were born . They were raised without any grandparents because both my husband’s parents and my parent’s died before they were born. I didn’t think much about what they missed by not having any living grandparents until my oldest asked me " Mom, what’s a grandmom?" When I explained to him what a grandparent is, he said “Do I have any ?” I explained to him that his grandparents had died before he was born. His observation at that point was kids with grandparents get more presents on their birthday or Christmas. Pretty basic observation for a 5 year old. Did he miss out on the wisdom and love that a grandparent could provide? Yes, but it was far more upsetting to me than him . He also missed out on some of the harm that a dysfunctional relationship could cause. And BTW, I had a very good relationship with my MIL. And as a healthcare professional who worked with EH children, I’ve witnessed the damage that can be caused by some dysfunctional relationships.
Au contraire, slackermomnMD, I think you are minimizing the impact of the words you chose to use and how that may be understood by others. Even if unintentionally, it can cause alienation.
But this isnt my battle. So folks can continue to attack the OP all they want. She hasn’t returned.
And FWIW, I am in the field too, carolinamom2boys. Dysfunctional relationships typically go both ways. No one is blameless. Thats not to say there aren’t some abusive people out there. Of course there are. But this particular tug of war, in this OP example, is an example of problems on both sides. And if you are in the field, you would understand the potential interpretations of calling someone “sick”.
I agree with intparent. As it seems the babys parents arent married, the mom may feel disconnected. But she too can make an effort to be included. Relationships take work.
I hope like heck not to be the kind of MIL that DIL has to “tolerate”. She is incredibly kind and thoughtful. They will be here for thanksgiving. If I have some alone time with her I may ask her to be sure that we maintain an open dialog so she feels comfortable letting me know if there is ever anything I do that she has a concern about. They are much more into healthy eating and organic this and that, so I am trying to have healthy things in the house when they visit for Thanksgiving. I asked for guidance on what to buy for them. We are both doing our best to be sensitive to each others feelings. So far, so good!
Fwiw, I had a good relationship with my MIL. (She is now afflicted wth Alzheimer’s so of course things are different.). Indeed, I really don’t recall any instances in which she overstepped her boundaries re how we raised our kids.
JYM, I think you are and will be an awesome MIL.
My friend has one son. He and DIL live near her parents. She accepts that the grandkids will always be closer to the DIL’s parents. She is invited to join them on vacations and often does. She has become close to the DIL’s mother, and they talk weekly. Both feel free to share their concerns about the grandkids and parenting. My friend lets the other grand mom vent and does the same. The grand mom is very careful with suggestions to the young couple. (I mean, my friend lets the DIL’s mom offer suggestions.)
I learn a lot from friends.
Of course, we want to see a nice, happy family for a nice, happy child. But really, are we suggesting every time grandma picks up an issue, mama has to set down the newborn and respond with magnanimity? At this point in her life, new baby, it still all has to be 50-50 because, after all, it takes two? And if grandma keeps escalating, more comments, more “issues,” more letters, the mom has to match her? What happened to knowing when to back off? (Don’t most of us learn this with our kids, starting in about high school?)
Of course, we all want cozy relationships with our children’s SO’s. But there gets to a point where we give the new parents breathing room and license. (Or newlyweds, kids who are working long hours, maybe kids who just bought a home, etc.) We listen to what they do freaking say, respect that, and decide when to give them a break. Not push. That’s part of our 50%, no?
Thanks, @bookworm.
Your friend’s situation sounds like mine. Dil’s parents live near them, thousands of miles away from us. But the in-laws are as fabulous as our daughter-in-law. We all get along wonderfully and we count our blessings.
Another thought. Maybe baby parents are a little uncomfortable with having A child out of wedlock, although it’s certainly more commonplace these days. But in the chance that they are even a bit embarrassed about it, just conjecturing, perhaps they don’t want it shared with many other people just yet. Just musing.
Two things: I feel blessed, and I wonder how OP treated her own mother-in-law. H and I have had wonderful parents. Both sets doted on our daughter and relished every moment with her; however, they were almost too respectful–never offered advice, never asked for a holiday, never asked for a visit. On the other hand, H and I made a decision early on that we wanted D to have the benefit of extended family, especially grandparents. We moved back east to be closer to them, visited often, split every holiday between them, and from the time D could hold a telephone receiver, she spoke to them every Sunday. Both sets came for birthdays, graduations, First Communion, and Confirmation. D has had wonderful, warm relationships with both sets of grandparents, and still misses H’s parents, who died several years ago.
When D went off to college, she called my parents that first Sunday to talk, and they were incredibly moved. They called us and said they had assumed D would stop calling once she left home. They told us how much it meant to them that we had fostered their relationship with D. They said they regretted that they had never done that for my sisters and me.
I had never thought of this before reading this thread, but I think with this background D will likely include us when she has children, just as we included our parents when we had D. Though it wasn’t precisely intended, there is something to be said for modeling and leading by example.
I think a lot is about context.
Suppose DIL came on here and said - my MIL is great, but she wants to include some pics of us in her holiday card. I know this sounds petty but I really wanted to have “our” first holiday cards.
I bet a bunch of us would say - let it go, a too-excited grandma is a great problem to have, besides she’s sending it to a bunch of old biddies you’ll never see. Let it go and don’t die on that hill.
But we have a bigger context here. The hypothetical DIL now says - she wanted to be in the delivery room and never consulted me about my desires. When I was in the hospital, she decorated my condo and took it upon herself to rent the stork. She makes comments about my bf, makes me feel guilty for spending time with my own mother, and always seems to have an opinion and I have to keep pressing the point that I’m the baby’s mother. Now she wants to send out cards with him - before I do! I told her I didn’t like the idea, she pushed, I relented to try and keep the peace and now there are 3 pix on the card! Help!
In THAT context, we’d all say - enough is enough. How can we help you draw your boundaries?
OP - you can win a lot of battles this way. but there is a saying about winning battles and losing wars. Is winning the battle of the Christmas card worth losing the war over?
@“Lady Lorna” , That’s just perfect. I am hoping that happens with us too – we have always seen my parents at least once a week and when they lived across the country we always called. They are so good to my family that we just want to! My in-laws aren’t particularly pleasant, and we speak with them once or twice a year; even though we’ve tried to foster something better, my kids just don’t like them (amongst other things, they’re very critical). I’m hoping to remember all of this and behave properly when I’m a grandparent!
good heavens @auntbea What a nightmare of a MIL!!!
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You’re getting too fat for my son; he’s gonna leave you for a skinny wife!"
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hmm…I think I would have responded with, “If so, then you raised a shallow son. Do a better job next time.”
I was lucky to have a MIL who accepted everyone with open arms.