Disclaimer:
I am creating this thread with the intent of having open & respectful discussion about what can sometimes be an emotionally charged topic. Respectful sharing of points of view and ideas are welcome here. Passive-aggressive, rude, or snarky comments are not.
So here’s my general question to the CC community/universe…
How would you guide your soon-to-be (or maybe current) college student in a potential situation where their roommate or someone they know/hang out with has a much higher $$ spend rate than your student does? AND it’s kind of ‘over the top’. Like, the female student dorm rooms we’ve all seen decked out to the 9’s at big SEC colleges/universities, where the parents have even hired professional decorators to come in and decorate their daughter’s dorm room at Univ of Alabama or Ole Miss.
Or the female students participating in sorority rush who’ve spent upwards of >$1000/rush outfit.
Meanwhile, your family is of more modest means and maybe just paying for the college tuition, room & board is a challenge, let alone decking out the kid’s room, too.
Or what about situations in which, let’s say, your kid is attending a LAC in the northeastern US and there’s a fair % of students attending whose families are upper class level of income…the level of annual income where doing a last minute $5000 weekend to NYC is no big deal, while your family annual vacations are tent camping for a few days. Your student, because they can’t afford to participate, does NOT participate and eventually sort of gets shut out of that friend group because your kid literally cannot afford to spend hundreds of $$ each week on eating out all the time.
How would you advise/guide your kid in such a situation?
My college roommate freshman year was very wealthy. My college roommate next two years was independently wealthy. And I came from a single parent, low income, on total financial aid home.
This was never an issue.
My kids…neither of them cared at all what the “other” side of their double room looked like. They had their decor, and their roommates were free to choose whatever they wanted.
If a wealthier roommate insisted that the less wealthy roommate needed to over spend, just say…no thank you.
And you don’t have to be best friends with your roommates. There are likely plenty of like minded folks on your campus…even at pricey private colleges.
My 22 year old has many friends from college who have money. She benefits by being able to travel to their many vacation homes, I think she’s at her third or fourth this week, another one next weekend. It really doesn’t bother her at all, and she has no issue saying no to things like dinner invitations. One her close guy friends got her into box seats at basketball games because his grandfather is a big donor (got us seats in the reserved section at graduation). I’ve met several of her friends and their families, very nice. She was constantly asked when she was going to Europe this summer! She is a very confident person though.
My daughter’s college friend group had kids from the whole range of the economic spectrum. No one was every shut out of the group because they couldn’t afford to do something. If anything, the group tried to make sure they were doing things that everyone could easily afford/manage, and the kids from higher earning families were low key about their parents’ lifestyles.
I know for my daughter if she were excluded because of parental income, she wouldn’t have wanted to be friends with those kids in the first place. (And there was probably some self selection in where she applied because if she got those vibes from college visits, she nixed those schools from her list).
I do think the southern big school culture is different. My D now lives in a southern college town and noted how dressed up everyone is, not just for games, but going out at night, dinner, etc… We see it too when we go to visit. Dresses, make up, heels seem to be the norm for events (with adult townies too). That said, my D has found her people there and just does her own thing, wears what she wants, etc…
Important to remember that the schools that were being discussed in the other thread are huge and draw kids from all over the country. There will be people from all walks of life, all manners of dress, etc…Everyone should be able to find friends they can be comfortable around.
I think a good life lesson is to be yourself and real friends will like you for who you are.
if somebody is openly mocking you about not being able to afford something, then that person is clearly not part of your crew. They’re not a friend. Start to emotionally distance yourself from that person and purposely put yourself in new situations with OTHER people…join some other clubs or whatever, so you can find people who you can connect with in a more meaningful way.
is it ‘not fair’ that some people have more than us? Sure. But life isn’t fair. So don’t waste your time hanging around people who bring you down.
Just because somebody has a lot of money doesn’t mean they have a lot of class.
one’s dorm room doesn’t have to be totally matchy matchy between 2 female roommates. For some female college students, having everything in the room be in the same color scheme between the 2 students’ sides of the room is a really big deal. But guess what? It’s not a big deal and it doesn’t matter. So if your roommate gets upset because you have a blue rug and she feels it clashes with her fuzzy pink bedspread, earth to roommate: suck it up buttercup…deal with it.
I think everyone benefits when we remind our kids to run their own race.
Throughout their lives they will meet people with more- more money, more status, bigger house, nicer car, more attractive spouse/significant other. You can’t spend your entire adulthood craning your neck to see who has more/better/best.
I was such a hick showing up in college that when I met someone who said her dad was 'in banking" I felt a little sorry for her- I knew people “in banking” growing up-- it was a “mom job” to work as a bank teller once the kids hit middle school and didn’t need a parent at home when school let out (the banks closed at 4 or 5, so mom was home in time to make dinner). I knew it didn’t pay that well.
So I was mystified to hear about the “summer cottage” in Maine (more like an entire Island) and the trips to islands I’d never heard of in the Caribbean until a benevolent classmate explained capitalism and the global financial markets to me. Who knew “banking” was a lucrative career- especially second generation banking?
I think our kids figure things pretty quickly these days. There are people with more and people with less. And it doesn’t take long for the college friend groups to solidify and the problems more or less handle themselves. Kids at all income levels love a bargain whether it’s thrift store shopping or learning to make their own creme brulee or finding cheap things to do on the weekends.
And then there are kids who need the “best of everything” and eventually, your kid learns to avoid that kid!
I also do not think that the solution should be that colleges impose $$ spending limits of how much student should be allowed to spend on their dorm room decor.
The purpose of your kid going to college is to learn. To listen, absorb, and engage with people who are different from them. To learn from people with different points of view from them. Sometimes, that learning is going to be hard. It’s going to be UNCOMFORTABLE! And that is OK!
Your kid is going to hear things that upset them, things that make them angry, things that they totally & completely disagree with. That is ok.
How the student handles those situations is an opportunity for personal growth.
Tough situation–especially for some sorority members at SEC schools.
I have a niece at an SEC school in a sorority who deals with this type of situation. Experiencing the extreme wealth of other students’ families engenders feelings of shame & discomfort.
I think that it is a more difficult situation for female students than for male students.
The incredible wealth of some students at Duke University was encountered by other relatives. The most common topic of discussion among parents was personal wealth.
Trying to keep up with the Jones is not a good way to go through life – at some point we all need to learn to live within our means. I would never indulge my kid with extravagances because of their friends even though we can afford it. On the flip side, my kids know enough that some of their friends have tighter budgets and plan group events accordingly. If your kid’s friends consistently plan high budget outings, maybe they are trying to exclude your kid and are not such good friends.
1 of D24’s BFFs attends Univ of Arizona. BFF took 1 of those freshman english composition classes that everybody everywhere seems to have to take their 1st yr in college. Professor had everybody go around the classroom and say what were a couple of hobbies that each student enjoyed doing in their free time.
Ok, smart move on the professor’s part…sort of gets people to talk a little about themselves. It’s a good ice breaker activity and gets everybody to open up a little bit before you start diving into literary analysis topics.
BFF’s turn was up and she said she really likes to read for fun & do crochet. A very tan female student sitting behind her then scoffed and said, “Psh, like, are those even hobbies? Mine is tanning.” And then the student talked about her sorority, going to fraternity parties, etc.
That student thought my D24’s BFF was kind of pathetic. Meanwhile, BFF thought the same of the other student. Both of those students learned from that brief exchange, “yeah, that person is definitely NOT somebody I’d want to hang out with.” Thankfully, they didn’t have to do any group projects in that class with each other. And thankfully, the world is a big enough place there that it’s possible to find your crew if you start looking.
I read Paying for the Party: How College Maintains Inequality, by Elizabeth Armstrong and Laura Hamilton, when it was published 10 years ago or so. An interesting study in what can and does happen to students with disparate incomes when they hit college. I’d highly recommend the book to anyone who is interested in the subject.
My children observed income inequality most clearly during their study abroad experiences. There were students jetting off every weekend to a new location, shopping haute couture, and partying non-stop. There were also students running out of food money by week 11 or 12 of the semester and patching together solutions which most often involved accumulating more debt than planned to finish out the abroad experience. Those students didn’t travel anywhere other than the original study abroad city/country. What my children observed is that those two groups had almost no overlap past the first week or two of study abroad. There was a third group of students as well, those who didn’t seem to be hurting for money, but definitely were sticking to a budget. That third group had the most interaction between all three sets of study abroad students.
The OTT dorm decorating doesn’t bother me. There are lots of luxury purchases other people make that I wouldn’t partake in - this is just one more on the list. Out of my three children, one did have a much more extensive ‘vision’ of how she wanted her room to look - I was happy to help make that vision happen…on a budget.
What does trouble me is how much income correlates to college graduation rates, and the inequities therein. Most people dropping out of college do so for financial reasons, often times leaving with debt and no degree (the worst of all outcomes).
I don’t believe the issue here is money. It’s manners.
Our son encountered real wealth during his high school years where many of his classmates came from families with household names. We never heard him talk about being intimidated or uncomfortable around these students. What he DID mention (and what we observed) was the fact that you’d never know the students from the wealthiest families by looking at them. I believe many of those students found their family names/circumstances more burden than blessing and just wanted to fit in as “regular” kids. On the other end, if you looked like you were seeking status, that was a sure indicator you didn’t have it, and these kids were savvy enough to make the distinction and avoid telling behaviors. Remember, many spend what they can’t afford; appearances can be deceiving.
Again, money isn’t the problem here, behavior is. Rudeness is not restricted to any level of the financial spectrum and is easy enough to ignore.
And really none of this is new. 1980 - I balanced schoolwork and a work-study job in college but many of my friends had the time and money to live a more relaxed life - parties, Spring Break travel, newer clothes for every semester, etc. And some didn’t. Like everything else it seems worse because of social media.
Interesting thread. As people on this website may know, I came from a very poor background. I was on public assistance and I was on full scholarship throughout my undergrad and graduate years.
I was always amazed when people would tell me “yeah I’m really mad that my sister went into my bedroom; she also goes into my brother‘s bedroom and I make them stay out of mine.”
I don’t know if I impacted anyone the first time I said “Wow, you guys had your own bedrooms? They would then shockingly ask, don’t you? And I would say, no I shared it with three sisters. That would generally shut them up.
I didn’t feel I was at a disadvantage because I always had someone to talk to. I guess it’s just your own perspective. My roommate and I did take a very wealthy girl with us down to the barrio one time, and she had a blast! She still remembers it to this day. It was a completely other world for her but she was just such an awesome person with a great perspective on things.
I was the poor kid at my college and it was fine. Sure, there were some events I couldn’t go to for money reasons, and sure, I was utterly shocked by the (in my view) ridiculous things people did with their money, but that was no different from my high school experience, except that the spread of wealth was wider.
Dorm decorating can be done on a budget of $0, and it requires creativity that (in my experience) college students nearly universally respect and do not mock. Same with clothing. I don’t know if things would have been different at an SEC school, but I doubt it. There are mean people everywhere but there are wonderful people everywhere too.
I agree sometimes this is a question of bad manners, in which case the solution is pretty obvious. Life is too short to waste it worrying about people like that.
I also agree another part of what is happening is colleges are sometimes exposing kids very rapidly to the very real differences in family wealth that exist in our society, and even without any kid actually wanting this, it can lead to social conflict.
And honestly, I think for many of us it takes years to really start handling that sort of thing with consistent grace and good humor. And often it remains one of those life-long things you can keep screwing up periodically, and hopefully learning to do better.
So . . . do your best to be generous with others and yourself? Understand you are all young and encountering new things and will sometimes have conflict? Try to be quick to apologize, quick to forgive, and quick to laugh about it all?
It all sounds kinda generic, and yet I do feel like this is so built into modern life in our society there is no fixing it, there is just getting better at handling it yourself.
So my son wouldn’t care. I know my daughter and son had contact with their roommates and they discussed who was bringing what and what they would share expenses on. Never an issue. They also kinda did somethings together and some separate. As long as they’re nice people and kind, they wouldn’t care.
If you’re talking about first meeting and planning a dorm room, it’s best to be upfront. You can say " I’ve got a scholarship and am on a really tight budget so can’t afford to buy xyz. But I can do … "
And depending on what your kid has experienced to date, having a conversation about running your own race or reading a book like Paying for the Party can be helpful. (Helpful for everyone - whether monied or not.) For many students, college will be the first time they meet peers from vastly different backgrounds. Having strategies for connecting with others – whether it’s knowing not to talk about flying private or your family’s island or suggesting a meet-up for a no to low cost event – can help ensure that you make the most of the incredible student body at your school.
And thankfully, the world is a big enough place there that it’s possible to find your crew if you start looking.
