<p>Prompt: Describe your favorite place.
I’ve drafted the first three paragraphs of the essay:</p>
<p>Every time I visit, I am overtaken with admiration of the expansive landscape. The auburn canyon is home to hundreds of corrugated vines that stretch from wall to wall. The off-white valley floor is evenly lined with peaks of gleaming obsidian, and years of tireless weathering have only given the site more character. Though I have ventured to this place many times, each experience is as novel as the first. What is this mysterious wonder of the world, you may ask? My 1918 Baldwin Monarch Baby Grand piano.</p>
<p>This network of keys, hammers, and strings is capable of producing a broad spectrum of sounds. The higher register, used mainly for ornamentation, emits trickle-like sounds when touched. The lower notes, conversely, boom thunderously. The notes in between, the middle register, is where most playing is done; the full, warm timbre makes for enticing melodies. These diverse elements contribute to the versatility of the piano. However, this instrument is more than just a mechanism for sound production.</p>
<p>The piano serves as a personal therapist. With the familiar creek of the aged mahogany bench, we begin a conversation. Everything that has been on my mind-- frustration, sadness, or excitement-- is channeled through my fingertips, and onto the keys. Without delay, the soundboard articulates a sympathetic response. No matter how hard I beat the keys, they rise back up, willing to continue the dialogue. In this way, the piano is the ultimate tool for coping. </p>
<p>My questions/requests:
Any suggestions for my next paragraph? What do you think would make sense sequentially?
Are the transitions ok?
Is it too wordy? I don’t want to look like I’m just spewing big vocabulary words.</p>
<p>Thanks!</p>
<p>First paragraph is great. Third paragraph is great. Drop the second - totally. Remember that the REAL topic of the essay is YOU. The piano is just the fabric for the story. Now to make the essay really shine: </p>
<p>The key sentence is this one: “The piano is the ultimate tool for coping.” So the next paragraphs should SHOW that. First, a scene (descriptive) that shows you with frustration or anger or … whatever. Next, you going to the piano to work out that frustration, anger, etc… How do you approach it, what is the “relationship” with the piano? Does it start out aggressive and mellow as you “cope?” Last paragraph shows you as a calmer, more together person… STRONGER in a way for letting the piano work things out… maybe by showing the “angry” music transforming into something happier, a metaphor for the transition in YOU!</p>
<p>This has the making of a fantastic essay!!!</p>
<p>(btw, “creak” is the word you mean)</p>
<p>—Robert Cronk, author of Concise Advice: Jump-Starting Your College Admissions Essays [Second Edition]</p>
<p>Structure of the next paragraph: Maybe a fight or argument with a parent or a teacher. They don’t understand. You are totally frustrated… So you go to your piano.</p>
<p>Remember it has to be descriptive. Don’t SAY that you had a fight; SHOW it! </p>
<p>“For example, last week, I could not believe the words coming from my father’s mouth: “You WILL STAY HOME TONIGHT!” Did he not understand how important my plans were? Continuing the argument was futile. I stomped out of the room, the slam of the door rattling the walls. I retreated to my piano…” </p>
<p>That wasn’t great, but you get the idea of showing, not telling.</p>
<p>‘Solfeggietto’ by C.P.E. Bach could be effectively featured in your essay to convey a variety of emotions–frustration, anxiety, and rage are just a few. Furthermore, it’s quite a widespread piece, so your essay reader won’t have to look it up on YouTube to appreciate your description of its emotional power. I think it’d fit with the desired theme of using piano as a coping method, as you could describe a time when you were frustrated/anxious/angry, and you expressed and relieved your emotions through your playing. </p>
<p>However, if you’ve already had an experience with something like this in real life, I’m sure it’d be much more organic to feature that in your essay. If not, though, I hold to my recommendation of Solfeggietto.</p>