Yes, exactly. I was such a perfectionist as a kid that my stomach was tied up in knots most of the time.
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OP- there is only one thing you can control/manage/overcome/change here and that is YOUR frustration.
First of all- your kid sounds great. Learning to do triage- i.e. focus on the important stuff and spending less time on stuff you donât care about, or can easily get a B+ in without any work or stress- is a FANTASTIC skill for life.
Second- you have mostly reached the end of the rope as far as monitoring/managing your kidâs personality. So if you havenât seen signs before that itâs time to let go- this is the sign. You have convinced yourself that your hard-working and talented kid has no inner drive-- because sheâs not just like you? Yikes. Time to let go.
Third- Itâs time for a serious reality check. The country is experiencing a shortage of mental health professionals- particularly those who treat adolescents. The number of kids going off to college needing meds management- for depression, anxiety, eating disorders, addiction, etc. has skyrocketed. You have a kid whose biggest issue is getting a few B+ grades and doesnât seem to be eating herself alive over not being perfect or âletting downâ her parents? Hallelujah!!!
If you donât have a therapist/counselor etc. for yourself- it might be a good idea to see if that kind of support will be helpful for you as you navigate the âendâ of your kidâs childhood. You may find that support is helpful as you figure out âIs this my perfectionism/intense drive talking, or is something wrongâ.
Many of us have been down this road. And having a kid who knows how to triage-- focus on the important stuff and let other things go-- is an actual competitive advantage in college and in life. How great would it be to have a kid who doesnât suffer self-doubt, anxiety, loathing, etc. because that âinner driveâ doesnât insist that she be successful at absolutely every single thing???
She sounds terrific!
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Well said. Iâm still adjusting to S23 who is very smart but just does the minimum necessary (whereas his older siblings were always perfectionists). Heâs fine getting mostly Bs in college. Heâs happy and content just doing enough to pass and being average in his class. Maybe heâll switch it on later, who knows.
But when I compare his situation with the large number of friendsâ kids whoâve failed multiple classes, had to repeat years or ultimately had breakdowns and dropped out, because they let the pressure get to them, I think we are lucky in comparison.
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So, what I have observed is that the traits that result in good grades are not the only, or the most important, thing once ypu get out into the world. In most workplaces the soft skills â the ones that arenât graded in school â can take you a LONG long way. Things like confidence, empathy, salesmanship etc etc etc.
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All of this, and the ability to deal with situations where it isnât possible to do everything to perfection, and priorities need to be set. Kids who have it deeply ingrained to never lose a point on anything can really struggle in real-world situations where across-the-board perfection isnât an option. (Which is most workplaces, and most of life.)
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If it helps, my son figured a B/B+ was âgood enoughâ. Teachers even said he should be making "A"s. So I told him to find out the grades his friends made in those classes. âMom! Youâre not supposed to ask!â Me: âDo it anyways.â
Well, his friends had "A"s. And so did he soon thereafter. Just needed some friendly competition to up his game.
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1000% THIS!! My âbook smartâ honor roll student struggles with all the soft skills in the real world, and my other student who graduated by the skin of their teeth, developed some great coping skills and has a high EQ and is much more successful. I worried about the wrong kid in HS.
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This in fact is one of the major explanations for how someone can get all the way through a âtopâ law school and possibly a judicial clerkship, and then hate actually being a lawyer. It is a rather abrupt transition sometimes from the more academicky stuff to the more people stuff.
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Alternatively, some people (students and parents) want to be the âbestâ they can be, so they ignore their passion and blindly choose the âtopâ school, followed by the âtopâ medical/law/business schools followed by âtopâ residency/clerkships/firm only to one day look out their corner office window and realize how much they hate all of it.
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That too! Also running up so much student debt it is going to be many years before you can think about taking a law job you might actually like.
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I recall reading a study 20 years ago that said (atthe time), 1/3 of professionals will choose to leave their profession after 10 years and go into something else completely different. I used to joke with friends that 10 years is about how long to pay off student loans before youâre free to pursue a happier life.
But now, that time frame is probably much longer.
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A lawyer once told me a saying that people who like law school hate being lawyers and people who hate law school enjoy being lawyers.
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Here is another one: Patients get in the way of patient care.
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This was 100% me. Top 10 law school and I loved everything about it, then did a federal clerkship (which I also loved), then worked at a top-tier firm (I only mention this all because it is seen as the ideal trifecta for lawyers). But then I left law entirely after only five years. But it wasnât because of the âpeople stuffâ it was because it sucked to work so hard and put all that emotion, blood, sweat, and tears into fighting one corporation against another corporation about things I couldnât care less about.
Now I own my own business and love it (because now work matters to me).
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I think op has leftâŠ
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Me too! Except I did an LLM instead of the clerkship. I also only practiced 5 years, and now own a farm where I board retired horses. And I love going to work every day.
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Adding - but would I do it all exactly the same way if I had to do it over again? 
I would. I loved law school. And between school, clerking, and working BigLaw, I think I learned a lot, grew a lot, and gained tremendous confidence in my ability to âhang with the big dogsâ; it has carried me through the rest of my personal and professional life.
Yeah, but such a fun conversation anyway!
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Slightly off topic, but those of you who left law, are you still paying bar dues?
I am yes, just in case. I donât even live in the state anymore, and it is a state that is notoriously stingy with bar reciprocity, but I still shell out the $ every year anyway. Probably just a stupid tax for me at this point.
But now you can read that contract and know if itâs in your interest or not.
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