I’m having a really tough decision about going back to school this fall. I started at a university right out of high school and was only there one quarter before things at home fell apart and I left. I came back and got my AA at a local school and am now wondering what to do. My parents are both sick and disabled. They were in their 40’s when they had me, and things are scaring me. Neither of them are on their death beds yet, but I don’t know when it’ll get worse. My mom had a couple of strokes when I was younger and has been having clotting problems and a degenerative disc since and is pain everyday. So basically I grew up with a sick mom, but now my dad is having problems. He’s been diagnosed with COPD and high cholesterol and can barely climb the stairs before having to take a break. He seems like he’s falling apart. My older brother lives at home and basically supports them, and I don’t want to him to face it alone, but I’m more of a mooch than a help at this point and I don’t want to be. I know I want to go back to school, but a huge part of me is screaming not to leave them. I know they want me to do whatever I think is best. So I’m wondering about being back here as much as I can. I’m also thinking of seeing if I can get someone to come in and help with the house some while I’m gone since they have troubles. But honestly I’m on the fence about going to school and worrying about them, or waiting here in a static state for something to go wrong.
But 3 to 3 1/2 hours to get home. Think I could pull it off for most weekends? Not all, but I’d like to come at least once or twice a month. Or should I go at all?
Wow! You really need to go to a therapist and get your priorities straightened out (and I say that in a loving way). Briefly, you are doing nobody any good sitting in a frozen death vigil. You are best able to help by moving forward with your life.
Sure, 3-1/2 hours is doable. You may wish to schedule out 1 weekend a month (coordinate around mid-terms, finals, sports, other activities), to come and add a boost of assistance to your brother. You may wish to identify specific key activities and schedule them for each trip home that will be a real help (get car services, clean and organize kitchen and re-stock pantry, seasonal major tasks, etc.). Your brother has the basics covered- maybe doing some of the extra’s would be a good thing. With a very defined schedule and very specific plans & dates for contributions, I think everyone would be happy. It would be an enormous burden on you, but at least you will be living into your future, rather than being frozen, paralyzed in this present reality. And you will be better positioned, 2 - 3 years down the line, with a degree (and maybe a job), to be of REAL help.
You need real-person dialog to see the larger context, put a plan in place, and have the courage to act. Congratulations on seeing what you need to do! Good luck!
On a practical note, I live about 4 hours’ drive from my husband and we see each other 1-2 times a month. It’s definitely close enough to drive for a weekend. 3-3.5 hours is even better. You could always drive down on Friday afternoon or evening and return on Sunday night.
But, I agree that you should see a counselor - one at school if you are still in, maybe one at a community mental health clinic if you aren not. Talking it over will help you manage the distress of this situation and figure out your priorities, as well as make a decision. I think you should also discuss with your brother - see whether and how much help he feels he needs, and what you can do to support him.
I obviously don’t know anything about your situation beyond what you’ve just posted, but I can say that if your parents are like most parents…they want you to do what’s best to make a better life for yourself. This is a rough situation, but I’m sure they don’t want you to sacrifice your goals to take care of them.
3.5 hours is a long drive (keep in mind that that’s 3.5 hours -both- ways), but it’s certainly doable with some careful planning. As previously mentioned, you’d want to plan it around your schedule at school. If you have three exams coming up next week, then this weekend probably wouldn’t be a good one to go home. However, if you have three exams this week, you probably won’t have any next week, so this coming weekend would be a great weekend to go home.
You could even potentially use some of that driving time to your advantage. If you learn well by listening, recorded lectures and such could be a great learning tool so you can continue studying while driving. This wouldn’t work for me (a physics major), or for a chemistry or math major, but for someone majoring in history, sociology, foreign language, etc., it would be great.
Ditto the advice above. Speaking as a parent, there’s nothing easy about having your child leave but it’s also a huge win! It means I’ve done my job raising him and he’s now strong enough to go out and conquer the world. Ok, so he’s only learning how to at this point, three hrs away at college. Did I cry when he left? Oh sure. But I also celebrated because I want him to succeed! I’m saying this because I want you to know that, even if it’s hard on all of you, it’s normal and healthy for you to take that next step.
As for returning for visits, see if there is a public transportation option such as the bus because that would allow you to rest. It sounds like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and I hate imagining you adding all that driving stress to your plate!
3-3.5 hours is perfectly doable. We do it all the time to go to football games. No problem.
Go to school. Sitting at home not accomplishing your goals just adds one more family member to worry about. If you don’t go you’ll be back two years from now wishing you’d gone and gotten that degree.
I agree with ItsJustSchool–pick a weekend a month to come home with specific tasks in mind.
I think your idea of having someone to come in to help is good, too. Your brother may need a break - caregivers are often forgotten - and once a month may not be enough when he’s dealing with the day-to-day problems. And talk to your parents about your concerns, too.
Do your parents belong to a church? Maybe they can get some help there.
Can your brother talk to their Doctors about arranging for a social worker to direct them to some resources?
Your parents need help, but you should not be the one doing the bulk of the work. Maybe you come home once or twice a month to help your brother. out.
TV4caster, That your son drives 5 hours on a Sunday only to drive back 5 hours the next morning does not sound typical, especially if he is doing that kind of thing frequently. I think in the case of the OP, a plan to come home once a month or so to help out sounds reasonable.
Is there any chance you could find another student who lives nearby to carpool with occasionally? That might help both of you.
Have you considered transferring to another college which maybe be closer to home?
You are in a tough position. How does your brother feel about it?
The drive…well that’s subjective. I’d find driving 3.5 hours one way to be too much to keep doing often. Especially for something that might, at least at times, feel like more of an obligation than something you want to do. Then you also have to consider weather and traffic. Some places are easier for travel than others.
Is there a mega bus or train that goes from the college area to home?
Is there a different college closer to home that might make sense? If not, I think your answer is made for you.
if there is another college option, I’d consider it. If your parents were to get worse, do you imagine that you’d decide to leave the college and come home? If so, a closer option might be best to begin with.
One problem is that you will be wanting to go home to be helpful, so you have 8 hours of driving, then spending time helping…leaving little for homework that weekend. So even if you plan a once a month trip, projects and tests may affect how much you can do.
Yes, I’d be concerned that even coming home once a month or so (and having to travel 3+ hours to get there) could interfere with your studies and your life at school. And agree that finding some local resources to help out your brother sounds like a good idea. I assume your brother is still a young guy and that is a lot for a young person to be dealing with. I didn’t really have to deal with caretaking issues regarding my parents until my 50’s and that was tough enough. I can’t imagine having to deal with all of the stress and complexities of that as a young person. Good luck to you and take care of yourself too.
I agree. I was just pointing out that if someone can do that, then coming home once per month is nothing for a 3 hr trip. DS definitely comes that far once per month.