My son has been a bedroom slob his whole life. During high school it was a mandatory chore to pick up his room once a week. He’s home right now and will be moving out soon. Since he’s been home I’ve left him alone, but I always have a heart attack if I walk in his room. He lives off the floor. I wonder if there is something wrong with him. I haven’t wanted to fight with him about it while he’s home, because he does things that are helpful around the house and he’s respectful.
I haven’t helped him with his laundry in the year he’s been home, but I made him dust his room after 8 months. But, yesterday for the first time I did his laundry, picked up all his clothes and tidied. Since he will be leaving, I thought it was the last time I will ever do this. He came home and was very thankful. He was going out and when he left I went to put some more clean clothes in his room. His good pants and dress shirt were on the floor where he took them off.
I’ve had talks with him about how his wife won’t put up with this and it could cause issues. I’m just concerned as to how someone can live like this? Will he change? I know it shouldn’t, but it really bugs me because I worry there is something wrong.
Then, in his senior year of college, he lived in an off-campus apartment with three other guys. Each person had his own bedroom. Two of the roommates were people who value neatness. The other guy was as sloppy as my son. After some discussion, an agreement was reached that everyone would keep the common areas of the apartment neat and clean, but what happened in your bedroom was your business.
I visited my son there several times and saw him be quite careful about putting things away and getting rid of trash in the living room and kitchen. But his bedroom was a disaster – so much so that you had to take a flying leap over the clutter to get from the door to the bed.
When your son needs to be neat, he will be. If he doesn’t need to, he probably won’t.
“I know it shouldn’t, but it really bugs me because I worry there is something wrong.”
What are you referring to? What could be “wrong”???
Sounds like he doesn’t really value hanging his clothes up. Just have him close his door so you don’t have to look at it. And then, don’t open the door.
My older son is very similar. I’ve noticed though that each time we visit him (once a year) the level of slobbiness remains pretty constant. (There was a jacket he wore at a wedding that was hung on a chair for a year. We teased him about it and it was back in the closet this visit.) I don’t know if he got a girlfriend if he’d pick up for her. He clearly doesn’t for our visits.
Younger son wasn’t much tidier, but has gotten much better. He had 15 weeks at Officer Training School to learn to be meticulous, but I can’t say it seemed to have rubbed off when he came home! He actually does pick up pretty regularly when he’s here. We have a cleaning woman who comes once a week, and I tell her not to do his room unless he’s got it picked up.
I’m going through something similar, but it has more to do with taking care of things. Our house is neat and clean, and we take care of our material things. We wipe up spills, keep SS appliances shiny, use coasters under drinking glasses, etc.
But our daughter, who keeps her bedroom very neat, is sloppy and dirty in the kitchen. She just moved home and put her coffee maker in our kitchen. I spent the morning cleaning the stained carafe, and wiping down the entire coffee maker. How can anyone let it get that cruddy?
Former slob here - my teenage and college years were the worst. My mom called my bedroom floor the biggest shelf in the house because everything I owned landed there. Now I’m more of a minimalist. I love seeing the carpet!
S1 also reformed his ways senior year while living off campus in a townhome. I do wonder if part of it is that he had a blank slate, whereas his closet and dresser at home still have many, many items which neither he (nor I ) were ready to part with. Perhaps if you make one pass through his room and eliminate the obvious and then have him work with you for attempt #2. Offer him a tote or duffel bag to store elsewhere those items he is not ready to get rid of. With and empty closet and dresser, it might be easier to put things away and just could start at new neat trend.
S2 is at home and we cheer when we can see the floor in his room. have offered to paint the walls and upgrade to a larger bed and he hasn’t taken the bait yet. It’s been 10 years since I first made that offer.
S1 was also a slob but improved dramatically when he was marrried. He’s single again but has kept things in fairly good order. I’ve been pleasantly surprised when we have visited him. The common areas that he shares with others is clean, and his room is cluttered but neater than ours.
DH is a packrat and doesn’t pick up after himself. I’ve been working on decluttering for a couple of years, but am now down to big items which require assistance to move.
I was a big slob til I moved into a dorm and had no space!
Reformed? I wish! My kids had chores when they lived at home, but not so many that they interfered with doing whatever they wanted. Once they went off to college, my only requirement while they were at home was that they did not take food to their bedrooms or leave open Mtn Dew cans/cups sitting around overnight. They think I’m a crazed clean freak and D1 has commented repeatedly on her stress over the condition of her home whenever we visit, even though I have never said a word. (It’s astonishingly awful with dustbunnies the size of actual rabbits.)
Dh has actually started cleaning in our kids’ homes, mostly washing dishes, throwing away food left out and changing clogged air filters after wiping down vents. The kids thought I put him up to it, but he admitted it was all his idea. Since then I’ve asked dh to refrain from doing anything unless asked for help. DiL’s dad does chores every time he visits and she loves it. I’d be concerned that she (or anyone else) would take it as a criticism if I did the same.
Dh has numerous allergies, including dust mites and various molds, which is one reason we prefer to ask our kids to come visit us instead of staying at their homes. The last time we visited S & DiL we stayed at a hotel, saying we didn’t want to upset their dog (who freaked out previously when dh went to the bathroom in the middle of the night.)
I was a slob as a teen. My mom wouldn’t even subject the cleaning lady to my room. I was pretty slobbing in college too. Then as soon as I had my first apt in NYC after graduating I became a clean freak. What I hate the most now is clutter anywhere. There is a dedicated space for everything in my house. I also vacuum almost every day or swiffer - mainly because my two dogs are both shedders. I also cannot stand dirty dishes in the sink or unmade beds.
I do think since you/your H are head of household that you have the right to establish some limits/boundaries that could effect other people in the house (no leaving stinky food, dishes in room for smell purposes or inviting animals/bugs to join in the room).
But clothes left on the floor doesn’t effect others unless they are being asked to iron them due to wrinkles!
My D was moderately messy when she was in high school. Just enough to keep the door closed so I wouldn’t have to look at it. I don’t know why ,but a general observation that boys are worse. But she had a horrible habit of cooking something terribly complicated and just leaving a huge mess in the kitchen. They are always too busy rushing out of the house to clean up.
But it is much worse now in college in her off campus apartment. I visited once and just about gagged and stayed at the front door to pick her up. I believe that it just got so bad they had given up trying to get to the bottom of it ( did I mention boy roommates who just didn’t seem to care?) I explained to her that living in that type of chaos could cause anxiety and a form of depression. She was suffering a lot of anxiety in her senior year.
I came up with a plan where they had to dedicate at least 1 hr each to pick everything up and out of the way and then I sent in a hired cleaning crew as a present a week before finals. She was so grateful and has been staying on top of it since then (or so I’ve been told)
A messy bedroom is one thing, but a kitchen that looked like an episode of Hoarders was too much for Mom !
My oldest was a slob at home but has become downright persnickety in college. He moves into his first adult apartment this weekend, alone because he can no longer stand having sloppy roommates. We visited him at his college apartment last spring and the place was a wreck, all but his bedroom and the bathroom he used because he cleaned and organized them.
I had to laugh at this. You could be talking about my D3. Now that she’s only home for summer, the 3 month long unpacking process morphs into the packing to return to college process. She complained about having too many suitcases and wanting to give me one back but so far, it still has stuff in it! The chaos stays in her bedroom so that is fine.
I wonder if it’s a sort of nest-building comfort level or desire to hibernate and be cozy with all of your things around. It will be interesting to see if it changes. I don’t think she would be uncomfortable if the magical fairies came and ruthlessly tidied up, but I’m not sure about that.
I was a slob as a teen. My room was a pigpen and my folks STILL joke about moldy dishes under my bed. Now my kids think I am too OCD/clean especially about clutter and my bed being made. There is hope!
