Is being anti-social bad? (Long)

College Life
1

<p>In high school, I was a bit of a loner and I never really made friends - I had a ton of family obligations so I always had to race home as soon as class let out because I needed to watch my younger sister while my parents worked. I didn’t join any clubs or sports, so my only “friends” were people I sat with at lunch. I think I might’ve hung out with a few girlfriends maybe twice, at most, outside of school in all four years. </p>

<p>Because of this, I have grown very accustomed to being alone. I’m not awkward; I can be very engaging in conversation and my main shtick is being funny/making people laugh. When I started college, I immediately found an extended social group where I fit in. For the first time I was being invited to everything - lunches at restaurants in town, parties, movies, art museums, etc. People text me constantly now (I only had an emergency cell phone in high school and no social networking sites) – it has become exhausting very, very quickly. It has gotten to the point that I actually dread getting text messages because I know that I’m gonna have to talk to whoever it is for at least half an hour before making up a shotty excuse as to why I have to go. This group gossips constantly - it’s as though they literally cannot hold a conversation for longer than three minutes if it’s not about someone else. It kind of gets me down just being around it. </p>

<p>I never really learned how to maintain friendships. I can balance school and family perfectly and those have been my two main priorities for the longest time, but now I need to balance social relationships too and it’s emotionally draining. I have recently distanced myself from most of my friends and told them I needed some time to myself. Almost immediately after doing this, I’ve felt 10x better. I’ve gotten ahead on my school work, I’m getting more sleep, I feel happier. Now all of these people are upset at me because they feel insulted - they think I think they aren’t good enough for my time. That isn’t the case, I tried telling them, but still they insist that my behavior is way too bizarre to simply be me wanting to be alone. </p>

<p>Again, to emphasize, I’m not socially awkward (at least on the surface) - I strike up conversations with people all the time, I’m confident enough to just plop myself down with any old group at lunch, and I can appear as though I’m some social butterfly. I just find people so exhausting. I don’t know how or why a group feels so compelled to go to a Chipotle four miles away three times a week but they do and it’s just… tiring. Exhausting. Tiring. Draining. Literally the only things that I feel after hanging out with my “friends.”</p>

<p>I want to be alone. I’ve been chilling by myself for the past week or so and loving it, even though a lot of people are angry. However, I’m worried that there’s something really wrong with me that I’m not seeing. Is this behavior going to have serious implications later on in life? Can some people just be fine alone or are meaningful friendships a crucial part of life? </p>

2

<p>No, you’re fine. One day you might feel the need to make more friends because of how you feel (not because of some idea you have about what you should feel) and if/when that time comes it sounds like you’ll have no problem doing so. But if you can’t be bothered to keep up with people, then don’t.</p>

3

<p>I’m not very good socially. </p>

<p>It probably contributed greatly to me being in a very happy 25 year marriage…</p>

<p>However, being in my sunset years of my 40s, I have to say I’ve learned social niceties enough to cope at work and with casual friends. Some things you find trivial or dumb as a kid you realize are things you “have to do”. And you do them if you have to, and try to smile.</p>

4

<p>I would think that meaningful relationships are a crucial part of life but I would also think that a group of gossiping, luncheoning, “friends” that don’t support your desire to not always be connected will not provide you with those meaningful relationships.</p>

<p>There are many people who would prefer time to themselves or time pursuing activities that interest them over socializing just for the sake of socializing. Putting your time and efforts into your studies is commendable. Having the skill to interact with people you’ve just met is a great skill. I would suggest that you continue to be friendly with your current friends but don’t let them cajole or bully you into spending time doing things you don’t want to do. If you have interests, either school related or extracurricular, that you enjoy possibly you could socialize while doing those activities (study group, club, volunteer effort, etc.) and because you have something in common with the people you are socializing with you will find it enjoyable instead of tiring.</p>

<p>Also - I suspect that this is your nature and has not developed due to your family obligations during high school. Probably those obligations just allowed you to not have to figure out this aspect of your personality until now. My daughter craves alone time and prefers for it to be unscheduled alone time.</p>

<p>Unfortunately lots of us have the feeling that you have to be social to be happy and will push to see you socialize. When really what we want is for you to be happy. So, continue being happy doing what makes YOU happy.</p>

5

<p>If you’re happy, it’s fine.</p>

<p>If later you find that you’re unhappy, then you know how to change it.</p>

6

<p>You’re just an introvert. I can relate to that very much. I’m not a socially awkward person at all. I can make friends very easily, and I can easily carry on real conversations with people for a long time. I’ve found over time that I mostly prefer to spend my time alone. I have a lot of friends that go out several times a week, and most of the time I’m at home either studying, reading, browsing the internet etc. </p>

<p>It sounds like these friends aren’t really the type of people that you’re able to truly connect with. It seems like their idea of a fun night is what you’d consider a big inconvenience. That’s okay. You’re not obligated to spend all of your free time with them. </p>

7

<p>Initially I thought you had a problem, but you dont. Because youre happy when youre alone which is weird to be honest. I would find you weird if you said you needed time to yourself. i would think as your “friend” that have “problems” because being alone…well, causes you to think to yourself. its all good. it really is. Its good that youre happy.</p>

<p>However, Id have to say that when a problem arises, no matter what it is, you’d think for yourself and think what youre doing is correct without anyone else’s input which is a very bad thing to do. Also, if you stay that way during college and have a job that requires interaction with people, Id think you wouldnt do so well because you dont like having friends…but you said youre a social butterfly so its all good.</p>

<p>The only thing Id be SUPER pissed about when im forty, is looking back and saying, “Wow, I didnt have any friends in college and was alone the whole time and now look at me, I wish I at least took some risks and talked to people and getting friends and having the experience of interacting with humans”</p>

<p>“I think I might’ve hung out with a few girlfriends maybe twice, at most, outside of school in all four years.”</p>

<p>Plz tell me youre joking…that’s incredible! Thats SO limited. Crazy crazy limited. How do you do that? How do you cope with yourself like that? Did you do that cause you just dont find humans interesting? </p>

8

<p>@comfortablycurt It’s comforting to know that someone identifies with me. I guess “introvert” is actually a great way to describe it; I hadn’t thought of it before. I just like spending time alone. I figured that as a freshman, freshmen generally have this inclination to amass as many friends as possible as a mechanism of coping with the transition to college; and a lot of these friends are the result of convenience (usually they live near one another, or they coincidentally attended the same orientation, something trivial/random like that) – I figured that as I moved up in my major, I’d find people who share the same values and ambitions as me and I’d be able to make more meaningful friendships then. </p>

<p>@Justabe1020 - I never said I didn’t “find humans interesting” - and I don’t really have to “cope” because being alone doesn’t cause me stress. Cope suggests that I’m grappling with something; I’m not. If I’m at home watching TV, doing homework, or reading, I’m at peace; it isn’t as though I so desperately wish I was out somewhere with people because I could easily arrange that, I just choose not to. </p>

<p>I also don’t understand the part about you saying that I’d regret these decisions at forty and “now look at me” - you’re implying that being introverted is gonna have horrible ramifications when I’m older; which may be true I guess (I wouldn’t know - that’s why I’m asking), but you didn’t really elaborate on them so I’m confused as to what you’re getting at. </p>

<p>It isn’t like I don’t “like” having friends - I don’t have some internalized resentment towards human friendship; it’s literally just that I find typical college-eque friendships to be exhausting. </p>

9

<p>@preamble1776 it may not be true for now. Cause you’re all into your business now and the present and currently and now. A lot of people regret things when they’re older. You think youre awesome now, 5 years later. boom! Thats how I was. Thats how my dad explains. Thats how my friends are. Thats how my sister is. Youd say, “i wish i did this, I wish I did that, I wish I had a bf, I wish i went to parties” cause nowhere down the line will you ever be in a situation where you will be around people your age, go to as many parties as you can, have as many opportunities to have friends…but…I cant evne make my point cause you dont really like people your age because of how they think and their maturity level, you dont like parties cause, well, I think you just choose to not go to them, its not like you dont like them, and you dont care about having friends…</p>

<p>so there, I wrote all that and have no point in the end. lmaoo Youre happy. You probably have an AMAZING first impression so thats why people like you soooo much which is hard to do as a freshman/newby.</p>

10

<p>@preamble1776 you definitely sound like the quintessential introvert. I’m very much the same, I love interacting with people and my work is incredibly people oriented, but at the end of the day I’m exhausted and I need to be alone to have an opportunity to recharge my batteries</p>

11

<p>@Justabe1020‌ - I never said I was “awesome”? I also never mentioned not wanting a boyfriend. I don’t drink and EDM isn’t my favorite genre, so I’m not a partier by nature. A lot of kids don’t party, I don’t think they are left with deep, ever lasting regrets well into old age about it. I also never said I didn’t like people my age – there was nothing about liking versus not liking; it was just tiring. The gossiping is irritating but I don’t think its the product of them being 18; it’s just their personalities. </p>

<p>@jazzcatastrophe‌ - That captures it well - I like being around people in conversation and interacting, joking around, talking about serious issues or just talking about something on Netflix, but then I need time to myself to just reboot or recharge as you said. </p>

12

<p>I hear you! I can get along fine with people, but some are just so socially needy. I put off Facebook messaging and texting people so that I can avoid the hour long conversations, as well! My best friend and I understand each other pretty well on this subject. If someone says, hey, I can’t talk because I have to study, or hey, I can’t meet up for lunch because I have family over, neither of us cares. Other people would feel upset or put off, but in general, we’re like, “Okay! See ya later.” I still like to have close friends, but I prefer not to be overwhelmed by them. It’s why I take longer to become close friends with people…I would rather spend small chunks of time with someone rather than immediately try to intertwine our lives in some strange immediate friendship. :smile: I like to have time to think on my own, as well. When I’m with a lot of people I don’t know well or someone who’s very vociferous, I tend to feel like my thoughts are being suppressed, because my brain is on such a sensory overload from them. Anyway, also an introvert here, extroverts just don’t always understand, so go live life the way you want! </p>

13

<p>A lot of people really misunderstand what introversion is. It isn’t a fear of socialization, it’s not “depression,” it’s not a dislike of friendship…it’s just the preference to be alone most of the time. It seems rather silly to suggest that this is a problem and that it will be deeply regretted later. </p>

<p>The stereotype of the college kid going out and partying and having huge groups of friends is just that - a stereotype. Movies don’t typically portray the serious students that prefer to stay in and have some quality time with themselves watching a movie, surfing the web, doing some recreational reading, or any other of a number of activities that one can do on their own. If Van Wilder or Animal House had been written about students staying in and relaxing, they wouldn’t have sold too well. But simply because this is the image that the media chooses to use as the “college stereotype,” it does not mean that this is the goal for all college students. It’s hard for an extroverted person to understand it…but some people just don’t want that. </p>

14

<p>From wikipedia page:
As earlier stated, extraverts are often found to have higher levels of happiness and positive affect than introverts.[27][44][45] An influential review article concluded that personality, specifically extraversion and emotional stability, was the best predictor of subjective well-being.[46] As examples, Argyle and Lu (1990)[47] found that the trait of extraversion, as measured by Extraversion Scale of the Eysenck Personality Questionnaire (EPQ), was positively and significantly correlated with happiness, as measured by the Oxford Happiness Inventory. Using the same happiness and extraversion scales, Hills and Argyle (2001)[48] found that happiness was again significantly correlated with extraversion. Also, the study by Emmons and Diener (1986)[49] showed that extraversion correlates positively and significantly with positive affect but not with negative affect. Similar results were found in a large longitudinal study by Diener, Sandvik, Pavot, and Fujita (1992),[50] which assessed 14,407 participants from 100 areas of continental United States. Using the abbreviated General Well-Being Schedule, which tapped positive and negative affects, and Costa and McCrae’s (1986)[51] short version of the NEO’s Extraversion scale, the authors reported that extraverts experienced greater well-being at two points in time, during which data were collected: first between 1971 and 1975, and later between 1981 and 1984. Furthermore, Larsen and Ketelaar (1991)[52] showed that extraverts respond more to positive affect than to negative affect, since they exhibit more positive-affect reactivity to the positive-affect induction, yet they do not react more negatively to the negative-affect induction.</p>

<p>So basically extroverts tend to be happier but it has a lot to do with how our society views extroverts and introverts. The way the system is set up, you will probably be more successful as an extroverted individual who takes part in social interactions frequently. The article also notes that introverts aren’t unhappy but more neutral with their emotions.</p>

<p>A person doesn’t have to party or hang out with people they don’t like to be extroverted, but you can’t shut the world out for a week in today’s society because introversion is seen as a negative trait. That being said the term is being hijacked like how “nerd” was hijacked five years ago. People are more likely now to be okay with labeling themselves introverts because it’s become hip and it gives the sense of heightened intelligence and independence. It’s similar with depression; having a bad week doesn’t mean you’re depressed just like wanting to be alone every now and again doesn’t mean you’re an introvert (but it does sound like you may be introverted from how you describe yourself).</p>

<p>I’m pretty heavily introverted and it is a major disadvantage in my social life. I close myself off from other people by doing small things that I may not even notice like how I sit and talk. When I was younger instead of seeking interaction with others I would daydream of fantasy worlds and be content focusing and flourishing them rather than just talking more with others and having experiences in the real world. It’s something I still struggle with to this day, but I do continue to change my behaviors where I open up more and try not to do the little things that close people off. It makes my life better every day I continue to improve. Time alone is good but introversion is not, it’s debilitating if it goes unchecked.</p>

<p>It seems you don’t really enjoy your friends too much except in terms of a casual relationship. You might just need a change of scenery and meet other people, but even with the current group I don’t see why they would have a problem if you only hung out with them twice a week. You do have to interact with them consistently though in order for it to be a meaningful relationship. People may have hated the fact that they felt like they were being ignored, which would happen if you just stopped responding to their texts and calls without warning.</p>

<p>Hope this was helpful</p>

<p>P.S. In opposition to something said earlier, I believe my introversion was a product of my circumstances having to deal with living in an area where it was hard to go over to other kids houses and have them come to mine. It seems logical to me that when you spend hour and hours alone as a kid your thoughts sort of become the only thing to talk to. </p>

<p>P.S.S. Just to clarify I don’t think being introverted makes you a bad or substandard person, it’s just as I said earlier very debilitating in terms of having fruitful experiences in the real world.</p>

15

<p>Just as an update; today I hung out with a girl who I’ve been talking to for a couple of weeks and she has a very similar personality to me - she’s not very big into huge social outings with tons of people and finds them exhausting as well; by the end of our little excursion into the city, I did not feel at all exhausted, drained, or frustrated. The reason I’m saying this is to address some people who tried to suggest that I can’t enjoy friendship - I think I just need to seek out people who appreciate time alone as much as I do so that when I do decide that I need to distance myself for a bit, they completely understand and don’t take offense to it. </p>

16

<p>^^Great! I wondered if you just needed to start finding like-minded friends. :slight_smile: I hope that girl turns out to be a great friend that still gives you alone time when you need it!</p>